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You normally did not cry. You tried hard not to hold yourself up in your room and let your depression take over. Like many others, you had struggled with depression all your life. It was a fight every day not to give in to the icy darkness that could consume you fully. You had gotten good at keeping the darkness at bay. After all, working with the Winchesters was not something you could do if you were constantly depressed. The things you saw every day would be enough to destroy you if you let them. You could not do that though. You had to help the boys. They had given you something to live for and you had to keep fighting for them.
Tonight, however, you gave in to the need to cry. You sat in the corner of your room in the bunker with your knees to your chest and your hands fisted in your hair as you cried. You could feel the darkness, which you normally kept at the back of your mind, lapping at the forefront of your consciousness, like waves at the shore. The thought that you could just give in to it crossed your mind. It would be all too easy to let the darkness consume you. It was easier than fighting constantly. You could plunge yourself into that dark void. You could allow yourself to enter the state where you felt dead and emotionless. With this would also come counterpart of anguish and pent up energy. There always came a need for something to bring you back to life or simply remind you that your were, in fact, alive. There would come the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. It was like being locked in a sensory deprivation tank and screaming to get out, but no one would ever come save you because they could not hear you.
A rush of wings startled you from your contemplations and it was enough to push the darkness away a bit. Concerned blue eyes bore into yours. Castiel sat down beside you and you crawled into his lap like a small child. You felt weak for doing so, but right now it was a little hard to care. You sought comfort and Castiel was giving it. You buried your face in his chest and began to sob. You clung to his coat and nuzzled into him.
“I’m fine.” You struggled out still crying into him.
“No you’re not, but that’s okay. You can’t be strong all the time.” He said gently, wrapping his arms around you. You began crying more at this. Affection was something you felt like you did not deserve at times like these and something you were not truly accustomed to at any time. A warmth swaddled your body and he began singing softly to you in Enochian.
When you finally calmed down some, you peaked up from his chest to see the source of the warmth. Big black feathers surrounded you. You wiped your nose on the back of your hand and then wiped your hand on your jeans. You began running your hands through the feathers of his wings. It was oddly comforting to you and he did not seem to mind. You laid your head on his shoulder.
“Thank you” you said hoarsely. Your voice always sounded terrible after crying. The darkness was far from your mind at this moment and you were in control, not it.
Castiel lifted your head and kissed you sweetly, wrapping the both of you tighter in his wings. “You are never alone. You are always loved. I would be lost without you.”
You kissed him back and let his words become a light that consumed you.