Work Text:
Felix’s POV
I sit alone at the dorm, it’s the first day of our break. Chan and Jisung are at the studio as always and the other members went to visit their families. I'm sitting in front of our tv, watching a random drama, which I quickly end up getting bored of. I reach out to my phone to call Chan, to ask when will he and Jisung come back to the dorms, it was evening already.
"Hi Chan-hyung", I say when he picks up the phone.
"Hey Lix, what's up?" He asks.
"When are you two coming home?" I ask, blushing from embarrassment. Why am I so clingy?
"I literally have no idea. Jisung and I still have a lot to do, it'll take a good while", Chan answers, with an apologetic tune in his voice.
"Yeah, okay hyung, it's okay", I tell him, while clearly getting upset.
"We're sorry Lix", Chan apologizes.
"No, it's okay hyungs", I say trying to fake a fine tone to my voice.
"Alright, bye Lixie", Chan says, just before hanging up. I remove the phone from my ear and look at its black screen.
"Bye.." I sigh. I continue watching the drama, just to distract myself and my thoughts from getting messy and out of my own control. Regardless of my tries, the thoughts start flooding in, attacking me. I've suffered from overthinking for a quite long time, and even I knew it's not good for me. I start getting lost in my unnecessarily mean and hurtful thoughts.
"Maybe they just don't want to be with me? Of course they don't. Why would they want to be with such a dumb person like me?"
Quiet tears start running out from my eyes and my fragile body starts shaking out of anxiety. I quietly sit here, in the corner of our couch, warm tears on my cheeks, shaking uncontrollably, slowly falling asleep.
I wake up in my room, really confused, not really remembering how did I end up here. The last thing I remember was just... Crying on the couch and falling asleep. But still, how did I end up in my room? I reach out for my phone, to check the time.
It's 2pm. I have slept for over 15 hours. I open my phone and check my messages. 2 from Chan.
"Good morning Lixie!"
"Last night you had fallen asleep on the couch, so when Jisung and I got home, we carried you to bed. We have already left for work and I don't know when we are coming back.."
I read the messages and sigh upset.
"This is why I hate breaks. Always alone"
I stand up and stretch a bit, then walking to the kitchen to have a really late breakfast, which some may call brunch. I make a coffee and a sandwich for myself, then eating and drinking in silence. I wasn't really familiar with the quiet dorm which echoed every and each word that I said.
I take another sip from my coffee, getting an idea:
What if I made some coffee for Chan and Jisung too?
I smile gently while making more coffee to give to the older producers. I leave the kitchen to go and put on some actual clothes. I quickly put on the clothes, then grabbing my phone and heading back to the kitchen.
I pour the coffee into a thermos bottle and take two cups with me. I exit the dorm after double-checking that the door is locked. I put on my earphones to listen to music while walking to the company. I put on my "JYP artist"-playlist and start blasting the songs of my so-called "sunbaes".
I finally get to the company and ask the info-worker: "Hi, excuse me noona, but in which studio are Jisung and Chan in?"
"They are in the 3rd studio room," The worker says while smiling nicely. I thank her and head to the studio. I knock on the door, before entering the studio, where I find Chan and Jisung both listening to a possible song intensely. I wait for them to finish listening to the song before I notify them about my existence.
"Hello hyungs", I say smiling warmly.
"Hello 'Lix", Chan says, only glancing at me quickly, while Jisung almost completely ignores me.
"Uhh... I brought you guys some coffee", I say trying again to get their attention and in response to that, Jisung turns in his chair to face me and smiles quickly.
"Thank you, could you put it there?" He asks, pointing at a table at the side of the room. I leave the coffee there, then trying once again to get Chan's or Jisung's attention.
"Uh... So how is everything going?" I ask.
"Hey, Felix", Chan says, turns around in his chair, and looks straight into my eyes.
"I really appreciate that you made us coffee and everything, but could you please leave? Can't you see that we're super busy?" He asks, a little annoyed. My breath gets stuck to my throat.
"Ye-yeah, okay, sorry", I breathe out, then quickly walking over to the door of the studio.
"Uh... Um. Bye", I whisper before stumbling out the door. I quickly run back to the dorm, choking back the tears from my eyes the whole time.
The moment I step inside the dorm and close the door behind me, I let the tears spill. The warm tears run out of my eyes, making me sob hopelessly. I meltdown to the floor, putting my arms around my knees, hugging them, trying to calm myself down. My sobs keep getting quicker and quicker, turning to hyperventilating.
"No, no, no, no, no", I breath out in a panicked tone. A fun thing about me is that panic attacks make me panic even more.
"Help", I cry out hopelessly. My whole body is shaking. I try to breathe to get oxygen to my lungs, but it keeps getting stuck to my throat as if something was blocking the air from going down to my lungs.
Everything starts to blackout once again.
I wake up in front of the front door of our dorm. I hastily look for my phone, to check the time. It's 1.33am.
"Chan and Jisung are still working", I think while walking to my bedroom. I exhaustedly fall on my bed. I am so tired. So tired, of everything. Everything is getting too messy, too hard to handle. The lack of sleep and way too much anxiety. Everything has piled on me, while I keep bottling up everything, not showing it on the outside. I caress my ankles and legs, which are full of scars from self-harming in the past. I've kind of grown over it, it just doesn't give out the same feel it did before. I pull my pillow to my chest and hug it with all my strength, fighting back tears.
I hear the front door of the dorm opening and closing. A couple of steps, the sound of walking. The door of the bedroom next to mine opening and closing. Then it's quiet again. Chan is my roommate and he is nowhere to be found, now, when I definitely needed someone to listen to me, my worries and how lost I felt. How lonely, alone, uncared, unwanted, and worthless I felt. I silently put the lights back on, sit on my bed with a notebook and a pencil, while hugging my pillow. I open the notebook and start pouring my heart and my mind out.
"Good enough? Am I really? Why do I keep being the last choice, am I seriously that unattractive, boring? And you know what, the worst part is when your heart feels empty, lost. It keeps screaming out for help, that no-one seems to hear through the walls you've built. I'm sure now. I need to go. I need to end this all."
I quietly sit at the corner of our couch, taking small sips from my coffee. A drama keeps coming from the tv in front of me, trying to distract me, completely failing in it. I sigh loudly. I'm so numb at this point. I have no idea how long I've been sitting at the same spot, blankly staring at the wall, random teardrops falling from my eyes.
It's raining outside, which kind of gives me the feeling that I'm not the only one feeling so horrible. The sky is too. I have to force myself to look away from the light grey walls of the dorm. I search for a clock and find it on the wall, above the tv, from exactly where it has always been. It's 4pm. Still too early to sleep. The time passes way too slowly. I reach for my phone and check if anyone has called me, or messaged me. No-one. I frustratedly throw my phone away. Why can't anyone contact me? Was everyone seriously so busy? So busy they don't have 5 minutes for me? I start crying again, out of frustration and loneliness. I start to understand what people mean when they say that you could die from loneliness.
The warm teardrops keep falling from my eyes, all the way to that point my eyes hurt. I dry my eyes definitely for over the 15th time for today. I didn't get any sleep last night, I kept having nightmares, waking up, and not being able to sleep because I was scared. I finish my 6th cup of coffee in the last 4 hours, then weakly getting up from the couch and taking a walk to the kitchen, to pour myself yet another cup of coffee. After getting my cup of coffee, I walk over to our balcony. I quietly sit there, enjoying the cool wind and the waterdrops that rain over me. I watch down to the ground from the balcony. "If I fell from here, I definitely would die," I thought, standing next to the edge, watching the ground. I shake my head and look forward, to the busy streets of Seoul. So many people just walking there, being all busy and worrying about their own lives. I sigh. Something inside me kept shaking and screaming for help. Then again, something else kept me from talking to others. I softly sigh again get up as the rain slows down. I sip the last drops of the now cold coffee, as I walk back to the living room. I take a look at the clock that is still quietly ticking on the grey wall. 6.30pm.
"It's late enough to sleep", I decide, heading to my bedroom.
I let my body fall on the bed and open my phone to put on a song, our song, grow up. I start tearing up once again, after hearing all the encouraging words sang by all my bandmates. What would they think if they saw me now? I shake my head and crawl under my blankets, letting the song play again and again and again, until I slowly fall asleep to it.
I wake up, as I feel the cold air brushing my body. The wind is sneaking inside from the window I probably had left open. I grab my phone to see what time it is. It's 11am. I get up and put on the nearest hoodie that I can find. I softly walk to the kitchen and open the fridge. No food. Literally. The fridge was completely empty, there was absolutely nothing. I slam the door and scream, as a way of letting out all the anger and sadness I have kept inside. I sigh, knowing that screaming and crying doesn't help at all. I walk over to the closest table and pick up a piece of paper and a pencil, writing a letter for Jisung and Chan, just in case they happen to come home before me.
"Hi hyungs, I'm at the grocery store, buying food and such, since our fridge is empty. I'll be back at some point.
-Lix, 11:49 :)" I write, adding the time and a smiley to the end, as I always do, it has become a habit of mine. I put down the piece of paper, then walking to the hallway. I lazily put on my jacket and beanie, side-eyeing the mirror. The person in the mirror doesn't remind me of myself at all. Big, dark, and heavy bags just under my eyes which are red and swollen, messy hair, and just a hopeless looking person overall. What have I become, in just a couple of days? Why was everything so heavy? I let out a deep sigh, putting on headphones and shoes, then walking out from the door. I open my phone and put on one of my oldest playlists, called "I'm a mess of unfinished thoughts" which included the saddest songs I knew. I step outside from the front door of our dorm building, instantly getting soaked by the rain, that just kept going on.
2:12pm.
I finally exit the shop with the groceries, deciding to take a walk, just around the corner.
I walk and walk and walk, getting even more soaked by the rain if that's even possible. I don't want to stop, don't want to freeze, If I now stopped, would I ever be able to continue? And that's why I decide to keep walking, 'cause I'm too afraid of stopping.
5:15pm
I see a bridge. I have no idea where am I at currently, I have never come so far from our dorm. The idea of climbing to the edge of the bridge feels so tempting. Just to sit there, feel the wind. Having the risk of falling. I put down the groceries and climb on the edge of the bridge. Sitting there, legs just lazily hanging towards the water. The dark sky has cleared up from the rain and you easily could see the stars. The song I was listening to, slowly changes to another one. The quiet piano intro of Sia's song 'breathe me' starts to play in my headphones. I don't even notice when the warm tears start falling from my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. Suddenly the song stops and my phone starts vibrating to notify me, that someone is calling me. "Channie-hyung," my phone tells me. I ignore it and stand up on the edge of the bridge. I was so ready to give up. The song gets to continue as Chan hangs up.
Then, the song stops once again. "Hannie-hyung," my phone says this time. I sigh and pick up the call.
"Yeah?" I say.
"Oh gosh? Lix where are you? You left for groceries almost seven hours ago?" Jisung says, with a bit scared tone in his voice. I dry my cheeks, eyeing the water, that seems to be so far away, but still, the idea of jumping is so tempting.
"I am at some bridge" I simply say, walking back and forth on the edge.
"Chan get the car ready, now", I hear Jisung saying.
"What bridge?" Jisung asks, trying to keep his voice steady.
"I don't know", I say, still walking back and forth, randomly swinging my legs outside of the edge.
"I have never been this far from the dorms", I continue, hearing Jisung start walking outside the dorm.
"Okay Lix", He says and I hear car doors shutting.
"I care about you, so I need you to tell me what do you see around you" He continues. I start crying again.
"No Jisung, I don't want to stay here. Could you let me go?" I ask mid-sobs.
"No Felix baby, I won't," Jisung says, then continues;
"Tell me where you are, what do you see?" I sigh.
"I see high buildings, but here are no people," I tell, looking around.
"Chan, he's at Yeongdong Bridge, drive" Jisung says.
"Felix baby, I need you to hold on a little longer okay? We're coming" Jisung says, trying desperately to calm me down.
"Could you put me on the speaker, please?" I ask.
"You're on speaker now" Jisung answers.
"Hyungs... I'm so sorry, It's seriously way too hard. I haven't properly slept, I can't eat, I'm just so fucking sad. So tired and completely lost. I keep being the last choice" I say, crying again.
"I'm just so fucking numb, I'm useless!" I scream as the tears start running down at an even faster pace.
"I'm sorry, I can't- I don't even want to do this anymore" I cry out.
"I'm sorry Jisung, sorry Chan. I'll go now. Goodbye," I say, hanging up the phone, turning myself towards the water.
"Goodbye," I say, not knowing to who anymore. Just for the whole shitty world. I take the last breath of the cool air and let my foot fall from the edge, towards the water, closing my eyes.
When I feel a pair of strong arms pulling me up, back to the bridge.
"No!" I scream hysterically.
"No, no, no, let me go!" I scream, trying to get back where I was, starting to shake, still trying to kick or punch the person holding me. They don't let go. It doesn't take a lot of time for me to get too tired and for my legs just to give up on me.
I continue shaking hysterically, just crying and crying, as someone holds me, caressing my hair.
"You're safe now, Lix baby, you're safe" I hear a familiar voice saying. I hold on to Chan, scared of him letting go of me.
"Lix, you seriously scared the shit out of us, please, sweetheart, never ever do this to us again" I hear Jisung saying. I bury my head to Chan's neck, as my sobs start calming down a bit.
"Sungie, I think you better drive this time, you see, I have this koala-baby with me," Chan says, picking me up, giving the car keys to Jisung, who was picking up the groceries. I cling to Chan with all my strength, wrapping my legs tightly around his waist, crying quietly against his neck.
"Shh Lix, it's okay now," Chan says, caressing my back, as he climbs to the backseat of his car. Jisung starts the car and starts steadily driving us all back to the dorms, putting on some calm yet happy/encouraging playlist. That's how the whole ride went, Jisung mainly focused on diving, and Chan just trying to calm me down.
"Lix, can you walk to the dorms?" Chan asks me. As an answer, I again tighten my grip around him, which makes Jisung laugh.
"I guess that's a no" Jisung says while laughing.
"It's okay darling, take your time," Chan says, carrying me inside, sitting me down on a stool, and helping me take off my jacket.
"Let's go to the living room?" Jisung -whose hand I'm now holding- suggests. I just tiredly nod, letting myself lean against him more. I walk to the living room, with the help of Jisung and Chan. As I walk into the room, I see the couch decorated as extra cozy, some snacks on the coffee table. I feel like I might cry again, literally just any minute.
"What is this?" I ask quietly, looking at the two older males, who are now smiling gently at me, as I just try to hold in my tears.
"Lix, baby, we love you, a lot," Chan says softly, holding my other hand.
"Yeah, we wanted to surprise you 'cause we realized how unfair we were" Jisung continues.
"We are so sorry Lix, we really are," Chan says and Jisung nods, agreeing to what the oldest said.
"Hyungs..." I say, as the tears spill again.
"I love you two so much," I say as Jisung dries my tears.
"We love you too," He says, smiling softly.
"Well, you two up for movies and cuddles?" Chan asks smiling widely, already dragging us towards the couch. I smile widely, not answering anything, just getting cuddled and comfy between Chan and Jisung, the two people, who literally and actually saved me. The ones, I love the absolute most.