Chapter Text
some argue that life doesn’t change even after a loved one has passed. they say that the sun still rises each morning and the birds still sing their songs, as gleefully as they did before. sicheng doesn’t think so. for him, everything is different. yes the sun still shines, but it isn’t as bright, and it isn’t as warm. the grass covering the sidewalk is still green, but it’s dull and less pigmented than before.
it’s clear to sicheng that after jaehyun has gone, everything has changed.
<3
sicheng wakes up to his alarm blaring in his ears, eyes wet from the dream he had. he can’t remember the exact contents of the dream, but he remembers seeing jaehyun’s face, which provides him with the explanation he needs. from there, he goes on auto-pilot. he falls into the same routine he does everyday; go to the washroom, have a quick breakfast, and heads to class.
the weather is particularly cold outside today, and it makes sicheng wince. he ridicules himself for not having put on more layers when he left his apartment this morning. the cold air and ambient sounds of cars passing by allows his mind to wander; allows him to think about thoughts he tries to avoid. when a memory of jaehyun starts to resurface, he promptly slips in his headphones and continues about.
sicheng hears his name being called, and turns his head. despite the distance, he can make out yangyang’s figure and face, running towards him.
“there you are. you didn’t wait up for me!” yangyang whines, and sicheng doesn’t answer. he does slip out one of his earbuds, and yangyang silently appreciates the gesture.
yangyang begins to ramble about how he had woken up late due to his phone being dead for whatever reason. he complains about how his charger is broken and how his roommate won’t let him borrow theirs, and how he has to go buy a new one now. sicheng makes small nods and hums whenever yangyang talks, though not opting for any long responses to the younger. yangyang pays it no mind though; whether he truly doesn’t notice or is simply used to it, sicheng doesn’t know.
yangyang knows why sicheng is like this. though he doesn’t pry, doesn’t even dare walk near the subject, he knows. in ways like this, sicheng values his friendship with yangyang. he respects his boundaries and at the same time there is never awkward air between them.
they eventually part ways, sicheng waving away his friend as he attends his lecture. they’re a few weeks into the semester, and sicheng has sat at the same seat every time. it’s carefully calculated; his seat is close enough to hear his professor but far enough for people not to sit around him. he’s usually alone as the seats beside him are always empty. there are people a few rows ahead of him, friends in groups behind him, but the chatter is quiet enough to ignore. sicheng pulls out his computer, ready to create a new document to type up his notes, when he hears someone sit in the seat beside him.
he’s surprised, as nobody has ever done this before. sicheng doesn’t know anybody in this particular class (doesn’t want to, either) so he isn’t shocked when the person sitting beside him looks unfamiliar. he has long silver hair, which immediately makes him stand out from the rest. it’s wavy, framing his face nicely, and sicheng doesn’t even realize he’s been staring until the stranger’s hand moves to brush a strand behind his ears. rather frantically, sicheng turns his eyes back to his computer.
when the lecture ends, sicheng packs up his things and gets ready to leave. he almost jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
the stranger (the pretty one) is holding sicheng’s notepad and handing it to him, smiling widely. sicheng grabs it from him, thanking him quietly.
“my name is yuta, by the way.”
and though sicheng is in no mood to pursue any new friendship, he can’t bring himself to say anything harsh to the bright-faced stranger.
“sicheng.”
<3
sicheng thinks jaehyun is haunting him. of course, not literally, but the image of him lying on the couch or standing in the kitchen is engraved into his mind. sometimes, sicheng swears he even sees it; even if it is just for a mere second. when he wakes up in cold sweat at 3am, sicheng hears jaeyun’s soft whispers, lulling him back to sleep. eventually, his mild hallucinations pass, and he’s left with empty darkness.
sometimes, sicheng tunes out of reality for a bit, going to some faraway neverland, dancing with jaehyun in his memories.
“sicheng?”
moments like now.
“yeah?”
kun looks at him worriedly, but continues talking. it’s a little hard to hear him with the loud chatter in the restaurant and with noodles in his mouth.
“i was saying, i’m moving out of my old place and the room is empty now,” kun explains, and sicheng has no idea what he’s trying to imply. “my roommates want me to find someone to replace me and… i know you live alone, so what do you think about a change?”
sicheng’s immediate answer is no, but he doesn’t say that out loud. kun watches him with hopeful eyes, and sicheng doesn’t want to upset him.
“i’ll think about it.” he says quietly, and kun’s face lights up. it isn’t a promise, and for sicheng it is more of a rejection than anything, but kun doesn’t seem to take it that way.
kun changes the subject and fills the silence, talking about the new place he’s renting that’s closer to his workplace. sicheng is happy for him, genuinely, and he almost feels himself hoping that kun can see it.
sicheng has always been comfortable around kun; has always asked him for advice, for help, for anything really. he feels like the older brother that sicheng never had but always wanted, and he offers his shoulder to sicheng whenever he needs it. he was there when sicheng fell in love with jaehyun, and he was also there when jaehyun passed away. sicheng respects the elder, a lot, and tries to return the favour with equal kindness. (though admittedly, sicheng might not be doing an extremely good job.)
they continue to talk for a little, before the night is over and kun offers him a ride home. sicheng accepts it, would rather that than walking home alone with his thoughts. the car ride is silent, though not awkward, and sicheng fights the urge to drift off to sleep. when they make it to his apartment, he shuts the car door behind him, and hears kun say something along the lines of take care of yourself .
sicheng will try. if not for himself, then for kun’s sake.
<3
the thing is, sicheng didn’t always know he was in love with jaehyun. in hindsight, it’s questionable as to how someone could not be in love with him. physically jaehyun is beautiful, sicheng knows, but after knowing jaehyun for so long, he is so much more than what is on the surface. (it’s corny, yes, but it is also the truth.)
sicheng always felt wordlessly understood by jaehyun; whether it be his mood, how he was feeling, or even what he wanted to eat, jaehyun always knew. jaehyun knew when to give him space or when to pull him out of a rut. jaehyun knew when sicheng wasn’t sleeping enough or eating well. jaehyun cared for him better than he cared for himself, frankly.
sicheng even remembers thinking at one point, why it was jaehyun that had died and not him.
jaehyun was a good person. he made sure to buy a can of tuna every week to feed the stray cat that roamed around sicheng’s neighbourhood. he helped random old ladies load groceries into their trunks. sometimes, jaehyun dragged sicheng along with him to volunteer somewhere; whether it be an animal shelter or a soup kitchen.
if jaehyun was the standard for pure and kindhearted people, sicheng would be considered an awful human-being.
so, when he died, sicheng was angry. he was angry that the earth, that god, if there even was a god, let him die. that they let such a pure hearted person die; that they let the only person that mattered to sicheng die.
and yet, sicheng didn’t cry when he heard the news. he didn’t cry when he attended the funeral. he didn’t cry when he felt his throat closing up as he gave a speech about jaehyun. he remembers feeling void of all emotion; numb. in fact, he was almost unbelieving. some part of sicheng thought that jaehyun was still alive, still smiling somewhere; still finding a stupid stray cat on the street to feed.
sicheng remembers crying for the first time visiting jaehyun’s grave. engraved on the stone was his name and date of birth, along with the words: an angel. there were flowers all around, decorating it with pretty colours, representing all the joy that jaehyun had once brought to people. seeing that was enough to brim sicheng’s eyes with tears, before he was crying, asking why jaehyun had been the one to die and not him. jaehyun didn’t deserve this. jaehyun deserved so much better than this .
after that, the rest is a blur to sicheng. eating became a chore, sleeping became his escape, and living felt like a crime. his friends were distant, almost unsure, yet tried their best to provide him with the comfort they could. nobody really understood sicheng’s pain, no matter how much they tried to empathize with him.
sicheng lives on with one regret: that he never told jaehyun he loved him.
<3
waking up to a knock on your door is never a good start to your day. waking up to a knock on your door from your landlord is even worse.
sicheng’s day worsens when he learns his landlord is asking him to move out. it was something about being tight on money and needing to sell the apartment. either way, sicheng received this month’s rent back, along with an abundance of apologies, and he suddenly needed to leave this place by next week.
sicheng remembers kun’s offer. at the time, he was almost certain that he’d be turning him down, and yet here he is, pulling out his phone to call kun.
the line rings twice, before kun picks up.
“hello?”
“hi, kun, i was wondering if that room you told me about is still available?”
that was all it took.
<3
sicheng has never had roommates before. the idea of living with strangers is unappealing to him, and being the introvert he is, he’d much rather the peace and quiet of living alone. however, sicheng supposes he doesn’t have much of a choice here, and should just be grateful for the opportunities he’s given. he doesn’t have many things, most of his belongings fitting into his suitcase. the rest are folded into his backpack, which has sicheng standing uncomfortably with all the weight on his back. he’s on the doorstep of his new home, and it looks pretty big.
after hesitating for long enough, sicheng rings the doorbell. there’s chatter behind the door that stops immediately upon the noise, and he hears someone excitedly say he’s here! before the door opens.
he’s greeted with the sight of a tall man with a bright smile on his face. he holds out his hand presumably for sicheng to shake, and he does.
“i’m lucas! come on in.” he greets and sicheng walks inside, taking off his shoes. it’s a pretty big house, considering that it houses four (now five, including sicheng) people. the living room is spacious and surprisingly tidy. sicheng thinks he could even grow to like this place.
“guys, he’s here!” lucas yells, and sicheng jumps at the sudden noise. he hears a bit of rustling before two people pop out of different rooms.
“that’s mark, we share a room together,” lucas explains, pointing at a smiley boy with black hair. “and the other one is dejun. yuta isn’t home right now, but i’ll introduce him to you when he gets back.”
sicheng’s eyes widen and lucas seems to notice. “do you know yuta?” he asks, tone slightly teasing, but sicheng shakes his head. technically, he doesn’t. knowing his name can’t really be considered knowing someone.
mark and dejun come down the stairs and briefly introduce themselves, before helping sicheng carry his things to his room. the room is smaller than the one he had before, much, but it’s enough to accommodate him. there’s a desk and a bed missing a bed frame, and a wardrobe in the corner. there are no curtains covering the windows and sicheng makes a mental note to buy some.
“make yourself at home.” lucas singsongs, and the house goes fairly quiet after that. there’s a little bit of talking, sicheng thinks it’s mark speaking, but he tunes them out as he empties his luggage. when his backpack is light and his suitcase is shoved into the wardrobe, sicheng falls onto the bed, relieved. he debates taking a nap before his thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening. he recognizes the sound because there are different charms attached to the door knob (for reasons that remain unknown to sicheng) and it’s almost like an alarm going off when it opens.
it occurs to sicheng that this might be yuta. he doesn’t want to get out of bed to greet his new roommate, but does it anyway, out of politeness. when his door creaks open and he slides himself out, he is indeed met with the familiar sight of the boy who had sat beside him in the one lecture.
“oh my god, he’s our new roommate?” yuta asks, and dejun looks up at him from the dining table. he gives him a nod before his eyes go right back to his phone.
yuta runs up the stairs, and sicheng thinks his swift movements almost remind him of a feline.
“hi, we’ve met before,” yuta grins, holding his hand out. “i’m yuta. but you already knew that.”
sicheng nods, reluctantly shaking his hand. the amount of social interaction sicheng has received today is making his battery drain, and he wants nothing more but to go back to bed.
“you can go to your room now, but there’s no promises i won’t bother you later!”
sicheng can’t decide if he likes or hates his new roommate. maybe a bit of both.
<3
“i’m tired, kun, what is it?” sicheng huffs. he was fully ready to lie down and tune out the world, but kun’s caller id continuously showing up on his vibrating phone was hard to ignore.
“come on, sicheng, you know i can’t let you off without you telling me how you like your new room.” kun says, and there’s excitement in his voice.
sicheng lets out an annoyed sigh, but indulges kun anyway. there’s no way around this, as the elder is very good at getting what he wants. his explanations and thoughts are short and brief, but kun seems satisfied with his answers. when the phone call finally ends, sicheng himself almost falling asleep. he sets his alarm quickly before letting himself drift off.
<3
sicheng wakes up abruptly, hours before he’s actually meant to. he can’t be bothered to check his phone but the darkness outside his window is enough of an indicator. he’s uncomfortable; chest heaving and bangs sticking to his forehead. it was another dream about jaehyun (or nightmare, he should call it). he leaves his room, heart beating loudly, to pour himself a glass of water.
his hands are shaking, and he almost drops his glass when a voice comes up behind him.
“you okay?”
sicheng turns around and sees mark. he’s younger than sicheng, by how much sicheng isn’t entirely sure. sicheng thinks it’s evident in the way he’s a little shorter than him, face still containing a little baby fat.
“fine.” sicheng responds, breathy.
mark tilts his head, as if scanning sicheng, but shrugs and opens the fridge. he grabs a tub of orange juice, and to sicheng’s satisfaction, has the decency to pour it into a glass.
“by the way, sometimes yuta stays up pretty late. if you hear loud noises it’s probably him.” mark warns, and sicheng nods.
sicheng is tired and his eyelids feel heavy, but at the same time he’s scared to close them. the image of jaehyun being happy, being alive , is engraved in his mind; is present everytime he closes his eyes. it’s haunting and almost unsettling for him. all he can think about is the regret he has and all the endless what-ifs.
sicheng takes a seat on the couch, and just sits. he hears faint noises of yuta talking to someone; he’s probably playing a video game. the sounds are almost irritating, but they distract sicheng. and to some degree, sicheng is thankful for that.
<3
sicheng is awoken a second time when he hears talking around him. his eyes open slowly, and he sees his roommates gathered around in the kitchen. mark and lucas are cooking and dejun and yuta are sitting at the table, seemingly waiting for food. sicheng sits up from the couch, rubbing his eyes.
“you’re awake! want some breakfast?” yuta offers, and sicheng shakes his head.
“no thank you.” he declines quietly, and retreats back to his room. he has his lecture in an hour and woke up a little later than he would’ve liked. there’s silence after sicheng enters his room, but he hears their conversation start to flow again. sicheng gets dressed and pays their conversation no mind, though he can make out a few words. he feels like an outsider; everyone is already so well-connected and they’re seemingly good friends already. sicheng knows they’re trying their best to make him feel welcome, but his lack of effort is probably making it difficult for them.
he could try, if he really wanted to. he could try to make friends, he could try to start over; he could try to forget jaehyun. but sicheng doesn’t want to. even if jaehyun lives on as a nightmare that causes him to wake up at 3am in cold sweat, it’s still better than nothing. it’s better than moving on and forgetting, and in sicheng’s mind, he’d rather that than change.
with jaehyun now in his thoughts, sicheng makes his way down the stairs, getting eyed by everyone eating at the table.
“i swear we didn’t poison the food.” lucas promises, and mark laughs beside him. they all look at him expectantly; hopefully. sicheng knows kun probably said many good things about him, and he probably isn’t living up to the expectations right now.
sicheng musters a smile, denying the offer a second time. he leaves the house, door shutting out the sound of laughter.
<3
listening to someone talk for two hours is enough to have sicheng’s brain turned to mush when it’s finally over. he has a plethora of new readings and assignments to tackle, and sicheng is anything but excited. he debates going back home to start them, but soon decides against it. he’s not sure if anybody is out of the house, and would rather not walk into a full house of chatter and noise.
sicheng goes to the library instead. thankfully, it isn’t crowded, much to sicheng’s pleasure. he’s able to find himself a seat in the far back, peacefully away from all people. the library is filled with the ambient hums of computers being typed on and book pages being flipped. it’s a relaxing background noise, and sicheng can almost feel the productivity on his fingertips, supercharged.
in quiet moments like these, sicheng thinks of jaehyun.
jaehyun often enjoyed accompanying sicheng while he studied, even if it bored him out of his mind. he’d usually end up letting out loud sighs in attempts to capture sicheng’s attention and redirect his focus on himself. jaehyun liked to complain and whine as the time went on and his patience wore thin. sicheng would smack him lightly with whatever textbook he had on hand, and that usually worked to shut jaehyun up for a good ten minutes.
of course, sicheng always gave into him. whether it was buying donuts after studying or going out to get food, sicheng indulged jaehyun in whatever he wished to do. he liked to act as though he had been forced against his will to do these things, but in retrospect, there isn’t anything that sicheng didn’t do willingly. he loved seeing jaehyun happy; loved seeing his dimples paint his cheeks and seeing his face glow. it wasn’t a rare sight, he nearly always saw jaehyun in his happiest state, with them having been such good friends.
and yet, silence also reminded sicheng of jaehyun for different reasons. like when jaehyun had been stood up on a date, and had to have sicheng come pick him up. they spent the night eating tacos and watching the stars in sicheng’s parent's car, silence falling over them. and yet, there were bright smiles on both of their faces as they simply absorbed each other’s presence.
jaehyun had always been a comfort like that in sicheng’s life, and he felt as though they were peas in a pod. sicheng’s first love, and arguably sicheng’s last.
when had sicheng even realized he was in love with jaehyun?
maybe it was sicheng’s father had died, and he spent the following weeks mourning and crying. he remembers jaehyun visiting him frequently, letting him cry into his arms as his hand ran over sicheng’s back. he never spoke much, never said things to sicheng like “he’s in a better place now” or “i’m sorry for your loss”. all sicheng ever remembered him saying was a tiny it gets better into his ear as his body shook with sobs.
or perhaps it was in simpler moments, like when sicheng’s eyes brimmed with tears as laughter couldn’t stop pouring out of his chest. fond memories of him hugging his aching stomach as he moved back and forth with jaehyun, laughing hysterically. it didn’t take much to activate this state for them, even unfunny jokes that sicheng wouldn’t even react to now.
all sicheng knew was that one day he woke up and realized he couldn’t live without jaehyun, and that maybe the feeling ran a little deeper than friendship.
<3
a knock on sicheng’s door prompts him to pull out his ear buds, relaxing tunes and melodies fading away. he gets up and answers it, finding mark standing on the other side.
“hi, sicheng. we were wondering if you wanted to get dinner with us?” mark asks, and “we” apparently refers to sicheng’s other roommates nestled on the couch. he sounds the slightest bit nervous, like he’s cautious and ready for rejection. sicheng supposes he hasn’t given the younger any chance to think otherwise.
there’s two ways sicheng could go about this; he could reject them, as he kinda wants to, and move on with his day. sicheng thinks that maybe his roommates would give up on him if he did; stop asking him to hangout and stop prompting conversation in general. that could be a good thing, sicheng supposes. kun would probably be upset and give sicheng an earful.
the other thing sicheng could do is say yes. he could pursue this friendship with his kind housemates, the ones who are trying their best to reach out to him. he could finally let himself become a better person; let himself be let go by jaehyun’s hold. something inside him tells him that jaehyun would want him to say yes, and that’s what pushes sicheng’s answer.
“sure.” he says, and he hears lucas cheer in the back. he gets dressed and they file into dejun’s car, driving off to some restaurant sicheng has never heard of.
they’re all engaged in a conversation, and as much as sicheng tries to include himself, he finds himself stepping away yet again. his head falls against the seat and he watches cars drive by outside of the window. despite being surrounded by people, sicheng feels oddly lonely. empty. it’s not a particularly foreign feeling to sicheng, and it’s only grown since jaehyun has left.
“hi.”
sicheng feels a hot breath in his ear and almost jumps. yuta is staring at him intently, wearing that same smile that sicheng has grown used to.
“hi.”
“how was your day?” yuta asks, and sicheng nearly finds it strange that someone is so interested in him to want to know these things. it's been so long since someone has asked him this with genuine intent.
“it was alright.” sicheng answers honestly. he spent the day cooped up in his room as usual, assignments and work draining his brain of all functionality.
“did you start the reading? i didn’t,” yuta asks, and groans when he sees sicheng nod. “i probably should, shouldn’t i?”
sicheng finds himself smiling. “yeah, i think that’d be in your best interest.”
“that’s such a smart person thing to say. listen, i’m trying here,” yuta complains, and he goes on to make a long excuse about how he had lost his textbook and didn’t want to pay for a new one. it prompts a conversation about how textbooks are way too expensive and colleges probably have enough money to cover them, yet they don’t.
“maybe you could find one if you dug around in the trash.” sicheng says, and he doesn’t even realize he’s cracked a joke until he sees yuta laughing.
“you know, you’re pretty when you’re smiling.” yuta comments, and it takes sicheng by surprise. he can’t help the blush that rises to his cheeks. instead of responding, he turns the other way, facing the window again, and yuta laughs.
“c’mon! i was just kidding. i mean not really, but you don’t have to get all shy.” yuta giggles, and sicheng huffs.
“i am not shy.” he complains, and yuta rolls his eyes.
“yeah, yeah. sure you aren’t,” yuta grins.
sicheng thinks it’s nice, settling into this comforting atmosphere. maybe he should’ve tried making new friends a while ago.
when they arrive at the restaurant, lucas is already whining about how hungry he is. dejun says he’s a big baby and will probably devour everything in sight. lucas doesn’t disagree.
“i’m a big guy, i need lots of food to stay fed.”
“you’re like this character from the anime i’m watching.” mark laughs, and it piques yuta’s interest.
“which anime is it?” yuta asks, and mark’s eyes go up as he thinks.
“it’s called orange, i think.”
yuta’s face lights up. “oh, i know that one! it’s really sad, i think i cried watching it.”
sicheng knows this anime, having watched it with jaehyun before. it’s about a group of friends who write letters to their past selves in an attempt to stop their one friend from dying. jaehyun had cried after they’d finished it, and sicheng admittedly teared up at a couple of scenes.
“have you seen it before, sicheng?” dejun asks, and sicheng nods.
“yeah. it’s pretty good.” he comments and mark claps his hands in agreement.
“it is, right? no spoilers though, please,” mark says, and proceeds to plug his ears when yuta playfully begins to spoil the show.
“yuta, you suck!” mark whines. their chatter is interrupted when plates of food are brought to their table, and sicheng’s mouth waters at the sight. lucas doesn’t hesitate to dive right in, sighing in relief as he chews and swallows.
“i think i could orgasm right now.” yuta says.
“shut up!”
<3
sicheng considered him and jaehyun to be polar opposites.
jaehyun was an extrovert. he attracted attention everywhere he went, and friends were easy to make with a smile as bright as his. his social battery never seemed to drain, and he could go out to as many parties as he wished, finding enjoyment in all of them. sicheng, however, was much more of a homebody. jaehyun often tried to drag him out of the house and bring him to whichever fraternity was holding a party, but sicheng often denied. obviously, sometimes jaehyun’s coaxing worked. however, sicheng’s alcohol tolerance was by no means high, and he found it embarrassing when jaehyun would tease him about his drunk self.
in their love lives, jaehyun and sicheng also differed. jaehyun was popular. he dated many girls, kissed many girls, and slept with many girls. in fact, sicheng had all the reasons to believe that jaehyun was completely straight. but, jaehyun was always full of surprises, and it one day came in the form of a confession that he wasn’t completely straight. sicheng remembered thinking that jaehyun looked incredibly nervous and couldn't look him directly in the eye. that night ended with not just one person coming out, but two.
and yet, despite their differences, there was nobody’s company whom sicheng liked more than jaehyun’s.
sicheng loved seeing his eyes crinkle when he laughed; loved seeing his dimple show with every smile; loved seeing the way he shook his head to get his bangs out of his face.
sicheng loved jaehyun , and had never gotten the chance to tell him so.
<3
by the time dinner is over and night has fallen over the city, sicheng wants nothing more than to seclude himself in his room. he almost falls asleep in the car ride home, and finds the soft chatter of his roommates talking to be a relaxing sound. luckily, everyone seems to sense his growing fatigue, and don’t try to engage in a conversation with him. sicheng appreciates it.
when they get back, sicheng thanks them for the night out, and walks to his room. when he gets there, he hears someone following him. he turns around to see dejun.
“you know, if you ever need someone to talk to, we’re all here for you,” dejun says quietly. sicheng opens his mouth before closing it, giving him a nod in lieu of a response.
sicheng shuts the door behind him and takes a look at his phone. there’s text messages from kun that he’s received throughout the night.
heard you’re having dinner with your roommates!
tell me how it goes
are you having fun ~~~~~~~~~~~~
how is it
answer ur phone
it was good
good.
a little bird told me you seem closed off.
try to talk to them more, okay?
they’re my good friends, and i think they can be yours too
yeah
if you ever need someone to talk to
you know i’m always here
thanks, kun.
sicheng turns off his phone and closes his eyes, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
<3
sicheng and jaehyun rarely ever fought.
despite how different their personalities were, they rarely had arguments or fought. it was just how they worked. they knew how to sort out their problems and if sicheng thought that an argument was coming along, he avoided it.
sicheng remembers the one time they did have a big fight.
it was when jaehyun had begun to spend more time with his boyfriend at the time. it was his first boyfriend after he had come out to sicheng, and somehow, this relationship hurt sicheng more than the ones in the past. sicheng found himself unwillingly burning with jealousy at the sight of it, and he hated himself for it.
it didn’t get any better when jaehyun started declining sicheng’s requests for going out, his excuses always having something to do with his boyfriend. for the first month, sicheng was okay. he could handle himself, and he didn’t want to seem like a jealous monster. jaehyun was happy, this guy (whom sicheng can’t even remember the name of now), made him happy.
and yet, as time passed, sicheng felt worse and worse. he remembers kun telling him that he should just talk to jaehyun, but sicheng was stubborn. until one day, he snapped. he hadn’t meant to start a big argument with jaehyun with bitter words flying out of his mouth, yet that was what happened.
sicheng also hadn’t meant to cry in said argument, yet that was what happened as well.
sicheng remembers seeing jaehyun’s face soften, change from something of betrayal and anger to simply apologetic.
the next day following their fight, jaehyun broke up with his boyfriend. when sicheng had asked him why, he had simply responded with: “he wasn’t the one for me.”
<3
sicheng forgot that yuta attended one of the same lectures as him. in fact, sicheng only seemed to realize after seeing yuta sit down beside him.
“why didn’t you wait for me?” yuta asks, lips shaped in a pout.
“i forgot, sorry.” sicheng says sheepishly. it is the truth, after all.
yuta seems to brush it off, taking his laptop out at the same time as sicheng. the lecture drawls on, boring sicheng as it does with the entire class. sicheng turns to look at yuta, whose eyes are focused on the front.
it feels like the first time sicheng has really looked at yuta. he certainly undermined his beauty before, because he can confidently say that yuta is very pretty. he almost feels the urge to brush one of the strands of hair out of his face. yuta’s jaw is sharp, nose pointed, with dangly earrings decorating his ears.
yuta once again catches sicheng staring, throwing him a smirk, and sicheng’s eyes are redirected to his professor again.
when the lecture is over, sicheng decides to go to the library. he doesn’t expect yuta to follow him.
“why are you following me?” sicheng asks.
“‘cause i want to,” yuta giggles. “where are we going?”
“i am going to the library.” sicheng states, trying to walk faster to lose yuta. it doesn’t work though, as yuta simply catches up.
“i guess i am too.” yuta smiles, and his cheerful energy almost makes sicheng groan.
it’s going to be a long day for sicheng.
<3
in some way, sicheng thinks, yuta reminds him of jaehyun.
yuta is clingy, like jaehyun was, despite not even knowing sicheng too well. he always offers him food and sometimes shows up to his door with a piece of bread. sicheng usually rejects his offers, but it doesn’t seem to diminish yuta’s confidence. in fact, if anything, it seems to encourage his actions.
jaehyun was the same. he liked to cuddle when they watched movies, he liked to tail sicheng wherever they went. they were together so often that people even asked sicheng why jaehyun wasn’t with him when sicheng would show up at places alone. (sicheng always replied with a confused look, and would be met with a shrug and words along the lines of i don’t know, you guys are always together. sicheng would try to ignore the way it made his heart flutter).
yuta also has jaehyun’s confidence. he’s smooth with all his words, even if they’re stupid compliments, and his confidence never falters with any reaction he’s met with.
yuta also reminds sicheng of jaehyun in moments like now, where he’s busy blowing on a strand of hair rather than working. sicheng wants to ask him why he isn’t doing something productive if he’s in the library, but he doesn’t want to disturb the peaceful ambiance.
he decides to pull out his phone to send yuta a text instead. yuta had been the one to ask for his number, on the day sicheng had just moved in.
why are you here if you’re not going to study
im bored
and you’re here so ^.^
i dont understand the point of following me around
just go home if you’re bored
no
wanna get food after
there’s a really good sushi place around here
i have to study
and you should too
pleaseeeeeeee
please
no
go home
finee
sicheng doesn’t expect yuta to actually get up and leave, and he also doesn’t expect the feeling of disappointment to bloom in his chest when he does.