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Perfect.
That’s how most people saw her.
Perfect.
So much so that sometimes, Jimin would catch herself believing that she was. Though never in a way that made her think of herself as above everybody else - or at least she hoped that that wasn’t the case. No, it was more in the sense that she had certain expectations she needed to meet, and that anything less than that was woefully unacceptable.
They called her fearless.
And she was, most of the time anyway.
Her only fear was that she would one day be unable to live up to who she was expected to be. There was the ever-present threat looming over her head, that she was doomed to become less than she was. Not only would she not be perfect anymore, but she wouldn’t even be enough.
If there was one thing that she wasn’t afraid of, it was that the idea of being perfect would ever get to her head. There was little chance of that happening, because not only was she not perfect, but there was also a sure proof way to bring her back down to earth.
Jimin fiddled with the lighter in her pocket, burrowing deeper into the warmth of her oversized coat. She almost missed a step while rushing to the roof. She wobbled on her feet for a second before steadying herself. She was well past the point of being phased by her own clumsiness, having gotten used to it in recent years. No matter how much time passed, she could never get used to heels.
She resumed taking the stairs two at a time, like a child fleeing the imaginary monster in her basement. The monster in this case being the New Year’s party raging away in the practice room downstairs.
See, there was something else that people had once called Yoo Jimin.
Boring.
Teenager Jimin had not taken well to being dubbed boring, somehow a bigger insult than anything else she had ever been called. Another fun fact about young Jimin, she had been incredibly susceptible to peer pressure. Adult Jimin would like to think that she had gotten better about that, but it was always a challenge. She just wished that she could please everyone all the time.
Was that too much to ask for?
It probably was, and Jimin blamed that ridiculous mentality for her having to sneak out on New Year’s for a smoke. Those popular kids in high school might have been gone, but the nasty habit she had picked up to try and impress them sure hadn’t. She was trying to quit. She had gotten better lately, preparing for her imminent debut. Couldn’t very well have an SM rookie idol addicted to nicotine with the lung capacity of an eighty-year-old. Jimin was trying her best, and she hadn’t technically been lying when she told her friends that she was done with smoking. But sometimes, the urge became too strong to fight, and Jimin would fall back into bad habits.
Right now was one of those times.
Jimin paused at the top of the stairs, cursing her choice of footwear as she massaged her ankles. She would have already gladly chucked the heels off had it not been for the alternative. Walking barefoot in the middle of winter on cold concrete did not sound inviting. So with one last squeeze to her sore feet, she pushed open the door to the roof.
The cold air hit her like a train and she shivered. She even considered going back inside where it was warm for a brief moment, before her fingers brushed against her lighter and she abandoned the idea of leaving. She needed a different kind of warmth right now.
Jimin was so busy taking in the cold that she hadn’t realized she wasn’t alone. Her mind went directly to her friends somehow knowing she was going to sneak out and ambushing her. That idea quickly went out the window when she saw a girl with blonde hair crouched down on the ground. Nobody in her group of friends had their hair dyed blond. Now that she thought about it, there were no trainees bold enough to – wait.
Jimin knew who she was. Well, ‘knew’ was a big word. She simply remembered her, because it was not every day that a trainee would just up and get their hair dyed blonde. Jimin didn’t actually know her name, but she could’ve sworn it started with ‘Mi’. Miyeon or Minjoo maybe?
She stalked forward carefully, not exactly sure she wanted to insert herself in someone else’s troubles. The girl curled up on the ground was sniffling, and Jimin figured there was a fifty-fifty chance that she was crying. The weather paired with the girl’s lack of coat accounted for the other possibility that she was simply cold and had a runny nose.
Jimin prayed that it was a runny nose.
Comforting people was always more of her best-friend Aeri’s forte. Jimin was better at just mutely standing there and offering hugs to those who needed it. According to most, that was more than enough, but then again they also believed her to be perfect. So, what did they know, really?
Perhaps she was getting a bit antsy with how long it was taking for her to get her fix.
Stopping right behind the crouched girl, Jimin cleared her throat a couple of times, but to no avail. Without the knowledge of her name, Jimin had to settle on laying a hand on the girl’s shoulder to get her attention. There was a startled squeal followed by the girl removing her AirPods in a panic.
Jimin found herself jumping as well at the girl’s surprise, before holding out her hands like she was surrendering, “Ah, sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” she said lowly, her voice unexpectedly gone from having had to scream all evening to be heard at the party.
The girl looked at Jimin dumfounded, the tears on her cheeks glistening from the city lights lighting up the night sky. She had definitely been crying – Jimin even heard a hiccup or two from the girl while she was busy staring at her speechlessly. Jimin wondered whether it would be acceptable or not to phone a friend to handle this situation for her. The girl seemed so distracted by her face, that she might get away with calling Aeri and get her to the roof in time.
Jimin shifted on her feet awkwardly, itching to fiddle with her lighter to ease the uncomfortable feeling. Eventually, the blonde seemed to come to her senses and scrambled to get up.
Intermittently wiping away her tears, the girl finally managed to get on her feet and proceeded to bow deeply, “I’m so sorry Jimin, I thought everyone was still going to be at the party,” the smaller girl explained hastily as she straightened up again.
Jimin was surprised to hear her own name, and felt bad that she didn’t remember who the girl was. The only thing that had come to mind when she saw her face was the word ‘loud’. She might not be able to recall her name, but she’d noticed her before. It was hard not to, because the girl was indeed loud and talked to everyone with an ease that even Jimin was envious of.
She remembered her first impression of the blonde had been that she looked small and friendly, sat on the floor of the old practice room. She had wanted to introduce herself, but some of her friends had held her back, with warnings that the girl was known to be clingy and ‘a lot to handle’. Jimin had ended up never actually getting to know her, and she’d even forgotten her name in the process.
Her younger self really had been susceptible to peer pressure.
The girl’s face fell slightly as she understood the absence of reaction as Jimin not recognizing who she was. Jimin wanted to explain herself, to tell her how she actually did know who she was, even if she couldn’t recall her name, but the blonde didn’t give her the time to.
The girl bowed again, not as deeply this time, and with her eyes turned downwards, “Sorry, I’ll let you smoke in peace. Happy New Year.”
“Wait!” Jimin said, grabbing the retreating girl’s arm, keeping her hold loose enough that she could get out of it if she wanted to. The blonde stopped to look at her with sad eyes, and Jimin let her go. “You can stay. If you want to, I mean.” The smaller girl took her arm back and tugged at her sleeve to wipe her nose with it. Jimin smiled at her. “You should stay.”
“Okay, thank you.”
So that’s how Jimin ended up sitting on the roof besides a cute girl - who she still didn’t know the name of - at 1 a.m. on New Year’s day.
Jimin could feel her staring as she took out the lighter and the single cigarette she had hurriedly shoved in her pocket when she was leaving. She had purposely sat down against the wind and further to the left as to not blow smoke in the poor girl’s face. Either oblivious or unbothered by it, the blonde scooted determinedly until she was right next to her, their shoulders only a hair away from touching. Jimin looked at her with disbelief, only to find that she was still staring with sparkling eyes. She held her gaze for a second, wondering if the wetness in her eyes was still due to her being sad or simply the cold air. The girl smiled cutely at her and sniffled, which broke Jimin at of her trance. She cleared her throat, embarrassed by the shameless staring, before shrugging off her coat.
“Here,” Jimin said, holding out her coat for her to take.
The girl frowned, but didn’t resist as it was put around her shivering shoulders, “But you’ll be cold.”
“You need it more,” Jimin reasoned, startled when the girl fully pressed herself against her side.
“We can share it then,” the girl said as she hooked her arm around hers.
Jimin refused to look at her again after that, in case the redness in her cheeks couldn’t be blamed on the cold anymore. Finally relaxing into the warmth at her side, she put the cigarette between her lips and lit it up. She tossed her lighter on the ground with her only free hand and inhaled deeply.
Just getting to that point had taken a lot more effort than she would have thought. Maybe this was a sign that she needed to quit for real now. On the other hand, she had gained a tiny blonde who clung to her like her life depended on it - if it really was a sign, Jimin wasn’t sure whether it was a good or a bad one.
“Can I have one?”
The girl’s voice seemed to have earned back some strength as it rang clearly in her ears, even with Jimin having her back turned to her completely.
“No,” Jimin refused categorically, without telling her that she wouldn’t even have any left to give her had she wanted to.
“Why not?” The girl whined, her chin dropping heavily on Jimin’s shoulder.
“Well, if you want to ruin your health, you should…buy them yourself.”
Alright, maybe not the best advice she had ever given. This was why she needed Aeri with her.
“But it’s my birthday,” the girl insisted, and she could practically feel her pout.
“Yes, but it’s January 1st. It’s all of our birthdays.”
There was silence after that, and Jimin took it as a win.
When light snow started falling, she had smoked enough that the cold was beginning to bother her more than her need for nicotine. With one last puff, Jimin put out the cigarette on the ground and promised herself to come back later to throw it away properly. She was not about to stand up to reach the ash tray and disturb the girl who was dozing off against her side.
“It is my birthday. My real birthday,” the girl mumbled, obviously not as close to sleep as she would have thought.
Jimin turned towards her, having almost forgotten what they were talking about. The snow was falling lightly all around them, melting each time it came in contact with the blonde’s skin. Jimin tried to catch her gaze, but she was stubbornly avoiding eye contact. She looked less pouty now, and genuinely sadder.
“Oh, I didn’t know. Happy birthday!” Jimin said, cringing when her voice cracked halfway through – her throat still sore from the party.
She heard a shaky exhale followed by eyes filling with water. Jimin was at a loss, and once again proved to herself that she should never be allowed to console anyone alone.
“No, no, no, why are you crying? I’m sorry.” Jimin softly brushed the snowflakes that had fallen on her blonde hair, unsure about what else to do. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, as the girl burrowed her face deeper into Jimin’s shoulder.
“You’re the first one to wish me a happy birthday. No one else – no one cares.” The girl clutched her shirt tightly, tears dampening the thin material as she shook her head. “No one ever cares,” she whispered.
Jimin’s heart broke a little right there and then.
“That’s not true, I care. Happy birthday,” she said again, brushing the girl’s hair more firmly. There was too much snow now to take away all the snowflakes.
The girl gave her a watery chuckle, “What’s my name?”
Jimin’s hand froze, and she averted her eyes when the girl’s head rose from her shoulder.
“I don’t know, I’m sorry,” she answered sheepishly, feeling like she was apologizing for the tenth time that night.
Jimin’s hands were starting to freeze in the cold, her fingernails turning blue. Her whole body was shaking slightly as even more snow was making its way to the ground. She could feel the deep rise and fall of the girl’s chest through the thick winter coat still pressed to her arm.
“Minjeong. My name’s Minjeong.” Jimin avoided her eyes guiltily, choosing to pick at the snow falling on her lap. “I’ve been a trainee here for two years,” she managed to utter out, voice on the verge of breaking.
Jimin gathered up enough courage to look up at her and saw that she was staring directly at her with glossy eyes. Just one blink and more tears would go on to join the dried up ones on her rosy cheeks. Jimin wished she could wipe them away – even better if they would stop all together.
“Would you…” Minjeong trailed off, gaze shifting down to her thighs as Jimin made herself busy by melting snowflakes under her thumb. “If I asked you to pretend to care about me, just for a little bit, would you do it?” The girl breathed out, tightening the grip on her arm like she was afraid that Jimin would just up and abandon her.
She should leave, she really should. Some random girl was up on the roof in the middle of winter asking for a stranger to care about her. If that didn’t send all kinds of red flags, she didn’t know what did. The girl blinked, and tears fell, trailing down her face. She was crying, spewing nonsense and snot was running down her nose, yet Jimin was still compelled to give her a chance. Maybe she was just that pretty, and Jimin was just that shallow.
Jimin almost never had anything to herself. Everything she did was for other people. She was about to sell her freedom to some company for a decade in order to be able to do what she loved. She had been told to leave everything behind in order to achieve her dream of singing and dancing. She was going to quit smoking to pursue that dream. Sure, picking up the habit had been a shitty decision, but at least that decision had been hers to make.
Would it be so terrible to do what she wanted without thinking about others’ needs for once?
Whatever the case, when her hand went up to cup the girl’s face, it only felt natural that her lips follow.
Her mouth was warm, a startling contrast to the frigid air surrounding them. Jimin exhaled deeply, fearing rejection for only a second before a hand was pressed to the back of her neck, bringing her in closer. Minjeong kissed her back eagerly, bringing up another hand to tangle in her hair.
Jimin had kissed her fare share of people before. She knew that this wasn’t her prettiest kiss. She couldn’t even feel the skin under her fingertips, her hand was so frozen. Both of them had lips chapped beyond compare and runny noses from the cold. She could feel the taste of cigarette, mixed with the horrible punch she had drank earlier. The blonde kissing her back still gave up the occasional hiccup, a reminder of the tears she had just shed.
Yet all of that hardly seemed to matter in the moment.
Neither of them pulled back, unwilling to stop, even when their breathing got labored and their noses kept bumping each other clumsily. Jimin’s fingers tingled painfully when the girl brought up a hand to cover her own. She winced at the feeling and the Minjeong must have taken it as her needing to stop, because she was soon pushing her back.
“You’re freezing,” the smaller girl chided, taking the hand away from her face and blowing on it.
Jimin let out a distracted hum while flexing her fingers, unpreoccupied by the pain of them thawing. She used her free hand to tilt the blonde’s chin up and leaned back in. Minjeong let out a small yelp as Jimin captured her bottom lip again. She heard a sigh, but the girl seemed to compromise by kissing back, all the while dragging her hands under the warmth of the coat. Jimin happily complied and grabbed her sides gently.
Everything was going too fast.
Jimin didn’t even know what she was doing, acting on impulse half of the time. They became a mess of hot breaths and freezing skin. She was so numbed by the cold, that Jimin barely felt it when nails were dug in her shoulders. Minjeong seemed to grow impatient, suddenly taking charge by licking at her lips and Jimin gasped taken aback – this was a far cry from the tentative pace that they had taken things so far. She felt the smaller girl climb on her lap, straddling her thighs, and Jimin realized that she had unknowingly been the one to guide her there.
Jimin wasn’t in the least bit preoccupied with what exactly making out with someone outside during a budding snow storm was going to lead to. All she could think about was how warm Minjeong was, and how she wouldn’t really mind if they got buried under an avalanche as long as she could keep kissing her. Luckily for her health (and unluckily for her sex life), another unfortunate consequence of the cold crept up on her to ruin the moment – sneezing. Minjeong didn’t even have time to look disappointed when she pushed her back in a panic, because relief swiftly flooded her face when Jimin sneezed on her shirt instead of directly in her face.
Well, this sure was embarrassing.
“Oh my God,” Jimin groaned, wishing she would disappear into thin air.
She hid her face in her hands as Minjeong laughed gleefully at Jimin being a human disaster. This was perhaps the dorkiest laugh Jimin had ever heard, and she felt it revibrate in her whole body. She would have found it cute was she not too busy trying not to die from embarrassment. Minjeong wrapped her hands around her neck and brought her in closer until she was able to put the coat around them both.
“Better?” the girl managed to ask teasingly in between her bursts of laughter.
“Thank you,” Jimin grumbled as she attempted to wipe her nose with her sleeve discreetly.
Minjeong hummed and hugged her tighter until Jimin was practically melting in the girl’s embrace.
Jimin had never had any strong feelings about winter. It was an inconvenient season, while also sometimes managing to prove itself as eternally beautiful. In this moment, however, Jimin couldn’t think of winter as anything but her favorite season.
Because even in flurries of snowflakes and frigid winds, Yoo Jimin had never felt warmer.
***
Jimin was sick.
She was in bed shivering and surrounded by used tissues because she had a cold and it was all Minjeong’s fault.
She would’ve have been resentful towards the girl, but Minjeong had showed up unannounced at her door with soup and promises of staying to take care of her until she got better. How was Jimin supposed to be mad at her when she was running around her room, setting up a humidifier, relaxing music and a table so she could feed her the soup?
She had tried everything to get rid of her, but the blonde wouldn’t budge. Jimin looked like shit, with her bare face being whiter than a ghost and snot running down her nose like there was no tomorrow. Still, Minjeong had looked at her without blinking an eye at her disheveled appearance, and with a sympathetic smile, had started caring for her.
“Here, drink this. You’ll feel better,” Minjeong ordered after setting up the table with the bowl of soup on it, gesturing for her to stand up.
Jimin sighed and immediately regretted it when mucus got stuck in her throat, which made her succumb to a coughing fit for the next minute. Minjeong patted her back encouragingly and Jimin tried to swat her away but to no avail.
After catching her breath, Jimin turned back to her and frowned disapprovingly, “You shouldn’t be here, you’ll get sick.”
Minjeong just looked at her for a second, before snorting, clearly amused by the situation, even though Jimin failed to see the humour.
“You’re cute,” Minjeong announced decisively, shoving a spoon full of broth in her face. Jimin could not remember the last time she had been called cute. “Here, drink the soup. I made it myself. It’s good though, I promise!”
Jimin pouted, but eventually gave in when Minjeong threatened to make airplane noises like she was a child if she didn’t comply. Fortunately, she didn’t need to pretend like the soup was good, because it really was. Jimin would have told her she was a good cook had she not been too busy slurping the broth down enthusiastically. When Minjeong was satisfied with how much she had eaten, the girl let her lie back down. When the blonde proceeded to grab all the used tissues in the bed without an ounce of regards for her health, Jimin wondered whether she was purposely trying to get sick.
“You sure you don’t have the flu?” Minjeong asked with a worried expression, laying her hand on Jimin’s sweaty forehead. Jimin let out a whine at the possibility of having the flu, and focused on the cool feeling of the palm pressing softly on her warm skin. “I think you have a fever.”
Jimin opened her eyes slightly to find Minjeong already looking down at her with concern in her eyes. When she saw her staring, Minjeong smiled at her and brushed back Jimin’s strands of hair that were stuck to her clammy forehead.
Jimin became convinced that the girl thought that she was perfect. Why else would she still be looking at her with awe after seeing Jimin being all gross and sick? She had gotten that impression as well when they were back on the roof. Even with how much of a mess she had been, the warmth in the girl’s eyes hadn’t left once.
Minjeong got up and went to search around in her drawers while mumbling something about medecine and cough syrup.
“Do you think I’m perfect?”
“Of course not silly, no one’s perfect,” Minjeong answered distractedly, as she moved on to the dresser after coming up empty-handed from the bedside table. For a second, all Jimin could hear was the opening and closing of her drawers, “Mmmh…where are the- ah! Wait, that’s not it. What is even is that? Hold on…”
Jimin watched blurrily as the blonde shuffled around her room, throwing everything she found to be useless on the floor.
“Minjeong,” Jimin called out lowly, not really sure she even had anything she wanted to say.
“There they are! Oops, sorry. I know I’m too loud, I’ll shut up now.”
Jimin didn’t want her to shut up - she wanted her to keep talking and stay by her side forever.
Maybe that was too much to be feeling for someone she had met two days ago, but then again, the night she had learned her name was also the night they had first kissed. Maybe she was only thinking this way because the fever was getting to her head.
Lost in her thoughts, she hadn’t seen Minjeong walking back to her until she felt the bed dip at her side.
Minjeong cupped her cheek and wiped a tear from it, “Does it hurt a lot?”
Jimin hadn’t even realized she was crying.
She nodded affirmatively, unable to tell her that she was crying because someone liked her and didn’t think she was perfect. The blonde would probably run away if she told her, freaked out at how fucked up Jimin actually was.
“Do you want me to take you to the clinic?” Minjeong whispered, brushing her thumb against the tears Jimin wasn’t able to hold back.
“No.” Jimin said, sniffling as the girl handed her a tissue.
“Okay, but you have to rest. Take these first.”
Jimin blew her nose loudly, far past the point of caring what she looked like. The combination of the fever and the crying made her too hazy to think clearly.
Minjeong gave her the pain relivers she had found in her dresser and proceeded to tuck her in, an action Jimin was too exhausted to protest.
Drowsy from fatigue and the medication, Jimin tugged on the girl’s sleeve weakly to keep her from getting up, “Stay with me. Please?”
All worries of getting Minjeong sick gone out the window along with her dignity, Jimin refused to fall asleep until the blonde was lying down next to her.
***
When she woke up the next morning with her arms wrapped around Minjeong who was snoring softly, Jimin had only one thought in mind.
She had never known anything as perfect as what she was feeling right now.