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"I thought your boy was at home today," Paul said as he met up with TK, pointing away from the fire engine and towards the scene with his thumb. His eyebrows were drawn together as he judged TK’s expression. At this point, TK didn’t even blink when Paul read him like a book. It was normal now.
And as TK followed the gesture, he found the culprit. Carlos was chatting with another cop, his arms folded across his chest, and definitely not at home.
"He's not supposed to be at work,” TK huffed, already mentally lining up the bullet points of the lecture he was about to give Carlos about staying at home and being a hypocrite. “I'm gonna go look into that."
"You should. Isn't he sick? Scold him for me."
"Believe me, I will."
TK quickly skipped over to where Carlos was standing, fully prepared to give his boyfriend a Paul-endorsed scolding.
"Hey, shouldn't you be in bed?" TK asked, trailing his eyes over his boyfriend. His boyfriend who was all but bedridden this morning when TK left for shift. His boyfriend who was now standing in front of him, in uniform, and not looking any less feverish.
Carlos looked up, clearly startled by the question. "No, I'm at work."
His curls were glued to his forehead with sweat and there was a bright red flush dusted across his face. Whatever lie or half-truth he was about to come up with wasn't going to fool his boyfriend.
"I can see that. I thought you called in sick."
Carlos shrugged. "I felt better."
TK couldn't suppress a scoff as he raised his eyebrow at Carlos. "You don't look better."
"TK, I promise I'm fine."
Usually, TK would have given him the benefit of the doubt. He liked to trust Carlos, to put his full faith in his boyfriend's decisions, but that was when he noticed Carlos rubbing his chest in what looked like a soothing gesture.
"Does your chest hurt?"
"Huh?" Carlos snatched his hand back to his side, fixing his eyes to the ground. "No, I'm good."
"Any shortness of breath?" TK asked, gently gripping Carlos' biceps, ducking his head in an effort to meet his boyfriend's gaze.
"No. I'm fine," Carlos said, trying to seem casual.
“Lightheadedness?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Would I lie to you?”
“Yes.” TK placed a hand on either of Carlos’ shoulders, trying to meet his eyes. “Are you sure you’re fine? I know you’d be able to go home if you just explained. You weren’t even supposed to come in today.”
Carlos' façade couldn't last forever.
“I’m fine, you know I wouldn’t be at work if I didn’t think I could handle it-” TK’s heart rate spiked as Carlos’ words cut off.
“Carlos?”
Carlos was sinking, his eyes rolling back into his skull as his legs gave way. TK tried to support as much of Carlos' weight as he eased the other man to the ground.
"Captain Vega!" he called over his shoulder.
"Hey," TK was already running his knuckles along his boyfriend's sternum, hoping to elicit a reaction. It wasn’t like when Carlos was pretending to be asleep and TK did it. That was when he would feel the rumble of Carlos’ laughter and his boyfriend cried mercy in seconds. He didn’t stir. "Carlos. Carlos, please."
"Tommy!" he tried again, not bothering to turn this time. All he knew was that something was very wrong and he couldn't handle it on his own.
His training kicked in. He reached to feel Carlos' neck, checking for the steady thrum against his fingers.
A precautionary measure. It was just in case of a worst-case scenario.
Until TK's worst nightmare became a reality.
Suddenly feeling a wash of cold flood his veins, TK realised the absence of a pressure where he knew it should be.
"Captain Vega!" he called again, ignoring the way his voice cracked as he turned back to Carlos.
All he had were his instincts. Years of training and work in the field, it was muscle memory.
One hand over the other, pressed hard over Carlos' sternum.
Enough pressure. Two inches deep. So much that he heard a pop and felt what was almost definitely a rib shift under the fifth compression.
His hands almost halted their motion but he knew he couldn’t stop. Carlos couldn’t afford for him to freeze up now. “I hurt him oh my god—“
He was one round of compressions and two breaths in by the time he placed his hands back on Carlos' chest and Tommy fell into place on the other side of him.
She was quick to speak, her professional tone never wavering, but there was a softness to it. It was almost calming, in that motherly way she spoke to praise or comfort members of the team. "It's okay. You didn’t hurt him. You’re doing it right.”
“No, no.” TK shook his head. “I definitely hurt him- oh my god, I broke his rib—“
"TK,” Tommy interrupted him, but she didn’t sound angry, “can you tell me what happened?"
"I- I don't know, we were talking and then he was just down."
"Anything else we should know about? Any history of heart issues?"
"No- No he's fine."
"TK let us take over," Tommy said.
But he couldn't. He couldn't stop.
Push hard. Push fast. Don’t stop.
The rhythm of his hands against Carlos' chest was the only thing keeping him from dying. His heart wasn't beating on it's own.
He was twenty-six and in peak physical condition. This shouldn't be happening. This can’t be happening.
"I can't," he grit out.
He had to keep going. If there was even a possibility that he could will Carlos' stubborn heart to beat again, he couldn't stop now.
"Yes, you can. Take a breather, let us do our job."
TK shook his head firmly, ignoring the tears falling from his eyes. "Can't."
"TK, I promise you that I will do whatever I can to help him."
Tommy moved a little, TK didn't really pay attention to the motion, his eyes still locked onto Carlos' closed ones. TK couldn't give up on him.
And sometimes he hated himself for it. Sometimes he couldn’t help but despise the idea that he got attached so quickly. He had fallen in love with Carlos; fast and hard, yet, in the beginning, he still found himself pushing the other away.
Now, though, that he’d allowed himself to fall, Carlos was about to be ripped away from him.
After all, how could he forgive himself for losing so much time?
But the choice wasn't his.
There were arms tightly wound around him, pulling him away from Carlos. All he could do was writhe and try to fight off whoever was holding him as Tommy replaced him in administering compressions, already giving orders.
"Settle down, kid," Judd's usually comforting voice was now like a car backfiring in his ear. Loud and abrasive, the only thing that drowned out his desperate cries for Carlos.
"No. I need him!"
"I know. I know, TK." Judd adjusted his hold on TK, looping his long arms around his younger teammate as TK thrashed in his grip. He needed to get closer to Carlos. He needed to help. "You gotta calm down. They're doing everything they can."
"They can't let him die,” TK sobbed. He was pathetically trying to get his lungs to cooperate for long enough to take in a breath. Judd’s hold stayed tight around him, a silent promise that he wasn’t going to let go, that TK wasn’t alone in this.
But, god damn, it felt like he was.
"They won't. No one is giving up on your boy until he gets up and walks out of here himself. Calm down, TK.”
Judd could hold him as tightly as he liked, it didn’t stop TK from shoving any and all of his limbs erratically, hoping that Judd would let go. “No, Judd. No, I can’t—” Not even an elbow to the other firefighter’s ribs was getting him to loosen the hold. “Let me go! Judd, stop it! Stop it!” TK was fighting; thrashing in Judd's grasp, sputtering incoherent, panicked pleas because he just couldn’t let Carlos go, like that. How was he supposed to live with himself if he wasn't helping? If he wasn’t doing his job?
He couldn’t keep up the fight though. His pounding heart still battered against his ribs like a caged bird trying to escape into the sky, but he didn’t have the strength to keep up with it.
Exhaustion caught up with him, a heaviness flooding through his limbs, to his fingers and toes. He collapsed into Judd’s hold, falling heavily against his teammate’s chest.
His breaths would only come in gasps, too short and shallow to be of any use as he choked on his sobs. His lungs wouldn’t let him take in enough air.
Quickly, Judd slid out from behind TK and gestured to someone out of TK’s line of sight. His unbreaking gaze was focused on Carlos; on Nancy working the ambu bag; on Tommy sticking the defibrillator pads on Carlos’ now exposed chest.
He watched Nancy feel under Carlos’ jaw for a pulse, only to shake her head as Tommy resumed compressions.
It was times like this that TK wished he didn’t know how abysmal the survival rate was for out of hospital sudden cardiac arrest.
He’d gotten lucky so many times, did that luck extend to Carlos? Could he wind back time and let his mistakes take him if it meant Carlos would survive this?
He just needed to know that this wasn’t the end of Carlos Reyes. It could be anything else,but TK couldn’t live if it were the end.
“Clear!”
A shockable rhythm. They could work with that.
He watched Tommy raise her hands, Nancy doing the same, the bag still in her grasp. He watched Carlos’ lifeless body jolt with the shock.
It was always something that had disturbed him. He’d seen it thousands of times, but there was something about the involuntary contraction of muscles that made TK’s stomach twist. Movement, it was synonymous with being alive, but this wasn’t movement, it was a hard yank on the strings of a marionette before the puppet fell limp again.
In TK’s mind, Carlos was always so alive. Even in his sleep he never stopped shifting, even mumbling a few words on occasion. He ran warm, often opting to go without his jacket until they were too far into their outdoor plan and he realised he misjudged the temperature. The redness that blossomed on his nose and fingers as he greedily stole the warmth from TK’s hands, it was a visual reminder that there was blood flowing under his skin.
Blood that Tommy was manually pumping now.
She felt for the pulse this time, shaking her head before resuming the compressions. She might have been speaking but TK couldn't make anything out over the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears.
Carlos was dying.
“TK? TK look at me.”
It wasn’t a hard instruction to follow when his father stepped into his line of sight, blocking his view with a worried expression.
There was too much motion that he didn’t care to follow. The passing of something between his father and Judd. He didn’t care for it. The only thing he cared about was Carlos.
"He can't die. I can't live without him."
“I know, I know,” his dad said as he brushed a hand through TK’s hair. Judd was silent as he wrapped something around TK, the metallic sheen out the corner of TK’s eye giving it away as Judd moved to rubbing his back.
He didn’t need a shock blanket. He wasn’t in shock. What he needed was for Carlos to be okay, for this to all have been a terrible dream.
Owen’s hand found its place on the back of TK’s neck. “I need you to try and breathe nice and deep for me okay? You’re panicking.”
“Why wouldn’t I be panicking?”
“I know. Just humour me.”
TK was no stranger to struggling to breathe. He developed anxiety when he was a kid, at this point it was normal to not be able to catch his breath. His hands always seemed to be shaking as his heart picked up its pace.
With a few shaky inhales and Judd’s comforting hand on his back, he tried to regain control of at least one thing in his life.
Here he was, trying to breathe while Carlos was fighting for his life.
They truly were such a pair.
Maybe if he tried a little harder to breathe a little easier; maybe if he listened to his dad, and took a deep breath—
"I got a pulse!" someone yelled. Tommy or Nancy? TK wasn't sure.
"See?" Owen laughed, it was a short two exhales, not a gesture of humour but one of relief. "He's not dead. He's okay, everything is going to be okay."
TK's voice came out soft and shaky, but he knew the two men on the ground with him heard every word.
"How long was he down?"
Owen froze for a second, startled by the question, his mind undoubtedly ticking over the same fears his son had. "TK, that doesn't matter right now."
"I asked you how long he was down."
He didn't hear the question Judd asked someone over his shoulder, but TK didn't misunderstand a single word directed at him. "Six and a half minutes."
TK titled his head back until it connected with the side of the fire engine with a soft thunk.
"Fuck."
❤️
TK saw the faintest sign of Carlos stirring before he could really process it. The scrunched up face and fluttering eyelids, and then warm brown eyes met his.
"Good morning, sleepyhead," TK sighed, a soft smile dancing on his lips.
"This isn't my house," Carlos mumbled sleepily. He brought up a hand, probably to rub his eyes, only to be met with the tug of the IV. "Too bright."
"No sweetheart, you're in the hospital. You gave everyone quite a scare."
Carlos took a deep breath as he started to fully wake up. Only to let out a sharp exhale and bring his hand up to his chest hovering it above the material of his hospital gown, as if he was scared of touching the skin.
"That hurts."
"Oh yeah, it will."
Carlos’s face contorted into a sour expression, only keeping his eyes open to look directly at TK.. It was a lot to take in, usually he was on the other side of hospital visits. "What happened?"
TK shrugged, trying to seem aloof and casual as he moved his still-shaking hands to take Carlos'. "You have a broken rib."
Carlos blinked blearily at TK, his eyebrows pinching together in confusion. "How'd I do that?"
"Actually, I did,” TK stated simply. He meant to add a shrug to the gesture but at this point he was too exhausted to do much other than bask in the relief of seeing Carlos conscious. Carlos was okay, so TK was too.
"What?"
"Your heart stopped." TK swallowed thickly, hoping to take the tears down with it. He reached over to run a hand through Carlos' hair and down his cheek, his fingers snagging on the nasal cannula for a brief second. "Your rib broke during resuscitation."
TK could help but to wince at the memory of Carlos so completely still on the ground. His hands on his boyfriend's chest being the only thing maintaining circulation as Nancy slid into place with an ambu bag pressed over Carlos' mouth.
The memory of knowing that he could easily lose Carlos forever.
"That doesn't make sense. I had a cold."
"You have a chest infection. It got to your heart and gave you an arrhythmia. Which couldn't just not be severe enough to put you into cardiac arrest because where the hell is the fun in that?" He could feel the rising anger. Frustration at everything that tried to take Carlos from him. He buried his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, I should have pushed you to see a doctor."
"Can you explain that in English?"
TK rolled his eyes, his anger subsiding into a playful irritation. He gently flicked Carlos’s temple. "Your chest infection made your heart beat weirdly and then it got worse and stopped pumping blood."
Carlos grimaced as he processed the words. "That sounds bad."
TK just sighed. "Carlos, you're in your twenties and you had a cardiac event. It's very bad."
TK saw Carlos grimace, and almost immediately sunk in on himself. He hadn’t meant to make him feel bad, but Carlos was the one constantly on his ass about keeping up with his own health, and now that their roles were switched, TK felt both guilty, and like Carlos was a hypocrite.
“I almost lost you,” TK whimpered. “I did, for six and a half minutes, you were dead and I couldn't—” He sucked in a breath, wiping his eyes.
“I didn’t know,” Carlos replied, hand reaching over to squeeze TK’s shaking fingers.
“That’s exactly the problem,” TK murmured. “You didn’t know, at all. I was going to get onto you for coming to work while you were sick; publicly berate you for not caring about yourself, but, Carlos, if you hadn’t clocked in, I would have come home to you… I would have—”
“TK, hey.”
“I didn’t know, either, Carlos. I was just going to wait it out like you were.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “I could have killed you.”
“Don’t,” Carlos whispered, giving his hand another gentle squeeze. “You can’t blame yourself for something that didn’t happen, T. You know that.” He tried to force a gentle smile.
TK forced one back.
“I’m so in love with you. I don't know what I’d do with myself if—”
“If nothing, okay? I’m here. I’m right here and I’m getting treated and I’ll be okay. We will be okay, TK.” Carlos let the smile spread a little bit.
Hearing that calmed TK down a lot.
“Yeah,” He murmured. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re okay. You’re in the hospital, and you’re getting treated, and you’re okay.” He repeated it mostly to himself, but Carlos seemed to relax at the words, as well. “It’s just us.”
Carlos perked up at that, his eyebrows creasing in a genuine manner while he squeezed TK’s hand. "Why is it just you? I thought I was more popular."
TK tapped on the railing of Carlos' hospital bed. "ICU. Two visitors at a time. The crew is still on shift."
Carlos deflated a little. "How long was I out?"
"A few hours. They got you sent up here in three. I've just been hanging around while you slept."
"And how long am I stuck here?"
"Carlos," TK sighed. Of course. Of course he’d be worried about that right now. TK narrowed his eyes, before speaking again, "Cardiac arrest, remember? You're gonna be here a while."
Carlos rubbed his face with the hand that wasn't currently connected to an IV. "That's… not ideal."
"I’m not sure if having a cardiac event has ever been ideal, Carlos." TK let out an uncomfortable breath, letting his eyes meet Carlos’s. “But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re okay.”
"Doesn't feel like it," Carlos groaned as he shifted, undoubtedly jostling his rib.
"You'll live."
It felt far too soon to be joking about it, Carlos' heart wasn't beating only a matter of hours ago, but what else was there to do? TK had already exhausted every other available emotion. Humor was the only thing he had left.
"Are you okay?"
TK raised his eyebrows. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
Carlos shrugged. "You look like you're seconds away from either crying or passing out."
"I'll be fine."
"You had to do CPR on me, didn't you? That's why you said you broke my rib."
TK was tempted to lie, the falsehood poised at the ready on the tip of his tongue. He just sighed, he didn't have the energy to lie to Carlos right now, not after everything. "Yeah."
Carlos froze, his grip on TK’s hand tightening. He drew in a shaky breath. “TK—”
"It's fine. It's my job. I do it every day."
Carlos frowned. "I'm not your job."
TK shrugged, shaking his head. "If any officer collapsed on scene I would help."
"Babe, your hands are still shaking.”
Freezing at the observation, TK quickly folded his hands in his lap, out of Carlos’ line of sight. “Don’t worry about it.”
“It's okay to be scared. I'm scared whenever I have to wrack my brain for the first aid course I did in the academy and be the one in that position until someone more qualified can step in. It's scary even when you don't know the patient, I couldn't imagine ever being in that position and not just freezing up."
He took a deep breath, shaking his head, holding tightly onto Carlos’s hand with both of his. “I couldn’t just leave you there, Carlos. You needed me."
“I’ll always need you.”
TK felt his cheeks heat up, and for the first time since he spotted Carlos from across the street, he let himself smile. “I know.”