Chapter Text
“You know,” Shunsui was watching the moon, a small clay cup in one hand, “the human world has a saying I quite like.” He drained the little glass dry and poured himself another. The eight division moon watching parties were becoming far more regular occurrences, Toshiro found himself invited to more and more. Each time he had to convince Shunsui that no he wasn’t a drinker and no he didn’t need more.
“Oh?” Toshiro responded as Matsumoto leaned over him to top up Shunsui’s glass with a snicker. Her chest hovered just in front of Toshiro’s face and he closed his eyes tight.
“Top up, captain?” Rangiku asked him, noticing that no he didn’t need it. He had mastered the ancient art of making a single glass last all night. She shrugged and topped up a free. “More for me.” She sang and Toshiro exhaled, his breath a frosty blast across the sensitive skin of her bust. Rangiku recoiled quickly with her drink, pouting at her captain.
“It’s not something vile, is it? “Ise looked at her commander, who held a hand over his heart and batted those big tired eyes at her.
“Have I ever-”
“Yes.
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
“Tch.” Shunsui drank quickly, it was going to be that sort of night. “No it’s not vile.” He drawled. “I don’t remember who said it first but I think that’s unimportant.” He gestured to the moon above, saluting it with a cup. “Someone once said why do people climb Mount Everest? So someone said because it’s there.” Shunsui smiled, a little thing that only quirked up one corner of his mouth. “I like that. I do.”
There was no sound but the distant bustle of the divisions at work.
“It’s not a bad saying.” Rangiku agreed. “There’s a thing out there and if you want it you go get it.” She drank slowly from her cup.
“It’s certainly very human.” Ise concurred. “Go do the thing, damn the consequences and logistics.” She took a slow sip.
“Don’t sell them short,” Toshiro said, “many are ignorant of the issues but they’ve accomplished things that sound almost fantastical. Conquered their oceans, climbed their heights and even made it up there.” Toshiro gestured to the moon.
“I always wanted to drink up there.” Shunsui said and that drew stares. “You know...an Earth watching party, it sounds like a charming little diversion.” Shunsui reclined, resting his glass on one knee. He wiggled it around and with a sigh Ise topped the glass up. “I wonder what it looks like from up there.”
“They have photographs on Earth.” Rangiku said. “I’m sure one of us could grab it next time we go to the human world.” She hinted with a nudge to her captain’s arm. She’d been angling for some off time for a while now. Toshiro just regarded her from the corner of his eyes.
“Fun as that sounds not quite good enough Ran.” Shunsui drawled. “Like the human who wants to climb the mountain I’m a drunkard who has to have his party.” He let out a loud dreamy sigh. “They better hope I never find the funds to requisition a rocket.” He gazed longingly at the moon.
Rangiku snorted and leaned against her captain. “I think he’s had too much to drink, captain. I’ve never heard him say something this strange before.” She spoke in a stage whisper and the crinkling of Shunsui’s lips told everyone he heard it.
“My word and you two have certainly seen your fair share of drinking.”
“Laugh if you want.” Shunsui said, taking another slow drink. “They never figured they’d get half of what they take for granted. A couple centuries or more and I’ll be up there getting plastered and looking at Earth.”
Rangiku leaned against her captain who didn’t dare move. He just kept looking at the moon. “Impossible goals, eh?” He muttered and Shunsui made a noise in the back of his throat, hearty and approving.
“Impossible goals only grow more possible with each day!” Shunsui swirled his drink and smirked. “Who knows what happens next? In the next decade one of us could be Captain General.” Shunsui said. “If the spectre of death works up the courage to stalk Yama-jii.”
The look he got from Ise told him to move on. “Captain Hitsugaya could grow to be six feet tall!” He snapped and the colour of red on his face made it look as if he’d been drinking shot for shot with Shunsui. Rangiku’s arms fastened around her captain’s neck and tugged him tight to her chest.
“No! My captain has to stay this tall forever,” she whined playfully as she smothered his struggles, “he’s perfect at this size.”
“Perhaps Ran will become stone cold sober.” Shunsui said and Ise looked away, very quickly but a loud gargle from Toshiro caught everyone’s attention. Rangiku tugged his head free and glowered down at him.
“Did you just laugh?” She asked him, venom coming off every word. Toshiro looked up at his lieutenant, a halo around her head from the moon above. He really wanted to say something, then honestly tell her off for talking to him like that. But her hair fell in a nice way and it sort of...made a curtain, snipping them off from the rest of the world. Just her and him and the scowl turning to a smirk slowly.
“No. I couldn’t breathe.” Toshiro replied. “The idea of you stopping your boozing is an impossible dream, but I encourage you to chase sobriety, Matsumoto. It’s there!” He went on and she smirked.
“I’ll chase sobriety the minute you hit six foot. That’ll show me, lead by example captain!” Rangiku sang leaning back and letting him flop against the small table between the division captains. Shunsui nudged the drink closer to Toshiro. “We need a new bottle.” Rangiku said getting up.
“I’ll help you find it.” Ise said standing, more going to make sure that she didn’t come back out with over a dozen bottles like last time. The lieutenants were gone and that left the captains alone. Toshiro didn’t dislike Shunsui, far from it he found the man deceptive in the best possible way. He was absolutely a lout, slightly dishevelled, barely respected the uniform or the office he held but despite all that he was powerful. He had plans and when bothered to act on his skills he was a fantastic warrior.
Talking to the man was...difficult. He felt like Shunsui looked down at him, not on him but at him. Shunsui didn’t dislike him but he didn’t exactly hold any favour to him either. He was just a coworker, really. At the same time he knew that he didn’t talk to him the way he did other captains, an age thing absolutely.
“So,” Shunsui said, “you think they actually got up there?”
“Pardon?”
“It’s a conspiracy in the human world. Some people don’t believe they got to the moon,” Shunsui said looking over the rim of his cup at Toshiro, “I’m a romantic though, I like the notion of it.”
“I never thought about it.” Toshir replied earnestly, tilting his head to look at the moon. “You can understand the skepticism, to a degree.”
“Oh absolutely.” Shunsui nodded sagely. “It’s the sort of thing you hear and doubt instantly. Like the friend who caught the big fish nobody else saw.” He chuckles at that and even Toshiro nods.
“Or the schoolmate who has a girlfriend in the next district over, you’ve just never met her.” Toshiro replied and Shunsui cackled, it’s an ugly boisterous laugh but that only makes it all the more real. He shakes his head, rubbing at his chin.
“Oh that one carried a few souls far.” Shunsui rattled. “Would that we could find the district of easy to woo beauties, captain Hitsugaya” He held out a cup to Toshiro who plucked up his own cup.
“Would that we could find the lake of ever elusive fish, captain Kyoraku.” The older captain drank his cup in one quick swallow and Toshiro sipped, a proper sip if this was to be a proper toast. The taste was still overly bitter to him but on a nice night as quaint as this it certainly didn’t seem as bad.
“Speaking of impossible things, have you and that second in command of yours annihilated the couch in your office yet?” Shunsui asked and Toshiro spat the content of his mouth back into the glass. His big teal eyes slid over to Shunsui who looked into his empty cup.
“I beg your-”
“I mean I sort of expected it by now.” Shunsui elaborated. “It’s a sturdy looking piece of furniture but I thought by now it was surely on its last legs.” He moved his hand ahead of him. “There’s a divot in the exact shape of her on it.”
“We don’t!” Toshiro cried out his voice shrill, he looked around. “That’s inappropriate.” He snapped placing down his soiled drink. “Codes of conduct make it impossible.” Toshiro tried to ignore it but Shunsui had a little smile at the corner of his lips. This was the other danger of Shunsui, he had his little games and you often didn’t know you were playing until it was too late.
“We just said those sorts of things get easier each day, yeah?” Shunsui went on putting down his empty cup. Was this what happened when he didn’t have liquor, he’d ask these awful questions? Toshiro looked around for anyone else, to pull him free of this. “I mean it’s clear as day you’re fulla the hormones. She’d help ya with that.”
“How is it clear?” He snapped and Shunsui tapped the edge of their little table. “Help me with it!?” He rattled out. Shunsui raised his glass, pausing and huffing to himself. He’d picked a poor game...
“When she had you in your most privileged position you clung on here. Once you were free but locked onto her, eye to eye,” Shunsui reached out and tugged the younger captain to look into his eyes, “yer knuckles went white. Faced with death you braced, faced with her you clung on for dear life.”
Shunsui held tight, thumb rubbing against Toshiro’s chin. “What are you?”
“You shave smooth, wow.” He drawled. “You must do it everyday, right? Ukitake got you on that too?” He shook his head. “I swear that man shaves and waxes and does all kinds of things. He got me to do my back once and,” Shunsui shook his head and exhaled all the air in him. He seemed to shrink to a third his size. “Not for me, not for me for all the sake in the world.”
Toshiro turned away from Shunsui, his chin felt warm after the man’s calloused thumb pressed against it. “It’s just a crush.” Toshiro said at last. “Hormones like you said, infatuation destined to wither away.”
“Buddy,” Shunsui said and Toshiro looked up at him aghast, “you don’t want it to wither.”
“Buddy?” Toshiro repeated incredulously.
“Crushes are dangerous,” Shunsui said flatly slapping Toshiro in the chest with the back of his hand, “you know how many mortals die of getting crushed each year? There’s a scary statistic.”
“It’s not that type of crush!” Toshiro went on, where the hell were they with his booze. His mouth needed stoppered. Shunsui snorted and went to drink from his glass, pausing as yes it was empty. He put the cup down, upset at himself it seemed.
“It’s precisely that type of crush.” Shunsui corrected him. “It’s just you know not apparent.” Shunsui leaned to one side. “Poetry and music are great, ya know? They aren’t real, they aren’t physical but you feel them right?” He strums the air simulating a guitar. “The strings cut through ya as surely as any blade. You ever been to Rakugo in the human world?”
“No.” Toshiro replied.
“Oooh those are strange.” Shunsui laughed. “You used to get so many of them it was wild. Fellas sat up on a stage doing poems and stories, wordplay that teased and tormented. Fables that have been around longer than some of us have.” Shunsui grinned. “My favourite one? Shinigami.”
“Shinigami?”
“Yah,” Shunsui said, “a fella makes a deal with a grim reaper. He gets candles with people’s lives on them and he can blow them out at his leisure, to get what he wants but he doesn’t get that with every candle he’s made a mistake, then another and another. In the end he gets given his own shriveled up candle on a windy night while the ol Shinigami watches him.” Shunsui grins. “Total lunacy, made up drivel but watching it? Oooh you’d swear that’s how we worked. Rakugo is a one man show but you’d swear, to watch it, there’s a man and a devil on that stage!”
Toshiro raises an eyebrow at Shunsui who just grins at him.
“It’s all in the artistry, in the feeling it gives ya.” Shunsui took a long breath in and then exhaled steady. “Music can make you feel free, a fella on stage can convince you he’s two different people and so a crush can hurt ya.”
“It’s just a crush.” Toshiro repeated. “It’ll go away.” He said but he wasn’t sure. How long had it lingered now? How long had she haunted him like the silly poem? How long had she teased him and it used to do nothing but pull out ire? Now it tweaked something, got him thinking. Her embraces felt like they lasted longer and were warmer. He found himself looking at her more and more and in the quiet moments he felt himself ache for her.
“It might but it might just get tighter.” Shunsui said. “Squeeze ya tighter than Ran ever could.” His breath hitched in his throat. “I’m just saying I think you should go for it.”
“Based on what?” Toshiro rattled. “Based on the plethora of personal moments we share or the immense amount you know about me?”
“Eh you’re starving.” Shunsui told him. “Every time she touches you it’s like you’re fit to burst. Unhealthy way to be.” He went on with a low sigh. “Like you say it’s a crush and it might go away but the impossible and the invisible have power over us. People chased the sun over the horizon and conquered the world. You can ask a girl out to dinner, right?”
“I...it’s not appropriate.”
“You both gotta eat, right?” Shunsui said. “I’m not saying annihilate the woman on night one but you can reach out right?”
“You asked me if we broke the couch.” Toshiro said.
“In my defence I was very sure you were dating in secret. I usually get these things right.” Shunsui shook his head. “So you gonna ask her to dinner?” He asked and Toshiro just looked up at the moon. “I think you should, she’d like it.”
“She would?”
“Ran loves to eat.” Shunsui said and Toshiro groaned. “I think she’d like to do it with ya.” He went on and Toshiro looked at him, red in the face. “See I say something innocent and your mind goes there. Unhealthy,” he scrapes one finger over the back of another in Toshiro’s direction tutting, “needs fixed.”
“It’s…” What was he doing and why was he saying it. “I’m not good at it. I’ve only done this sort of thing once or twice.”
“Crud.” Shunsui groaned. “I can’t sing like an angel, I better stop trying. It’s a good thing my bankai worked on the first swing of my blade or I’d never have got it, eh?”
“What are you...why does this matter to you?” Toshiro asked and Shunsui shrugged his broad shoulders, a smirk on his rugged face. “Is my wriggling amusing to you?”
“Not at all, my heart bleeds.” Shunsui rested a hand on his chest. “I see a young man being crushed to death and he won’t move out of the way. Slowly but surely. It’s awfully cruel of you to make someone the instrument of your own demise, captain.”
“The instrument of my demise?” He laughed, folding his arms and sliding them into his sleeves. “That’s a mite dramatic, that is captain.” Toshiro responded.
“Only you know. But it’s not fair. If you never get over this crush or never act on it then you’re gonna be afraid of the person you’re closest to in the world.” Shunsui said. “Years you and her have been together, yeah? Even back when ol….Shiba weren’t it? Yeah Shiba was about.”
There was a name that opened doors in Toshiro’s memory. The big hearted captain rather put him in mind of Shunsui, that same rugged sort of stubble, the utter inability to wear their uniform correctly and...well he liked a tipple too. He’d given Toshiro advice on things like this back when he was third seat, he’d never….quite given him the fabled TALK but he’d told him plenty of things.
Had the crush started then? No it hadn’t. He and Rangiku had a different relationship then, lots of support and contact with each other. Over years it became more...No it was the same support, their burdens had just grown heavier. His and hers. She’d help him up and he’d hoist her up behind him. Leaning on one another be it in combat or during the daily deluge of paperwork.
“It can’t work.” Toshiro tells Shunsui flatly. “If I mess it up-”
“How do you mess it up?” Shunsui demanded leaning across the table to peer down at Toshiro, this was it. This was the not talking down but looking down on him. “What can you do wrong?”
“I can...I don’t know say something stupid.”
“Never happened to you before?” Shunsui needled.
“What if I go too fast or slow!?” Toshiro snapped and Shunsui raised his glass to his lips, snarled and slammed the cup down.
“Good thing only you exist in this hypothetical or she could help you out.” Shunsui went on looking at Toshiro’s drink, he crooked a finger around it and dragged it toward him.
“I spat in that.” Toshiro said.
“Second hand kiss, I won’t tell Ran.” He winked and drained the glass quickly. Toshiro gagged and leaned back. “...Wow that was chill, you wanna hold my cup for me?”
“I’m sure that’s a demotion.”
“Missed your calling as a barman, captain.” Shunsui said looking at the glass like it was a miracle. “You can invent infinite scenarios in your head. Anything can happen. You can try and hold her and fall down a pit, you can go to pay for your first date and get crushed by a runaway Kenpachi. You could try and kiss her and her jaw unhinges and she swallows you whole like a snake.”
“That last one is specific.” Toshiro said and Shunsui shrugged.
“No more or less than literally any other imaginary scenario you’re coming up with to avoid a conversation.” Shunsui rolled his eyes. “The worst thing that happens and it is, the absolute worst thing….she doesn’t like ya back like that.” Then he clapped his hands. “Then ya go back to normal.”
“....I don’t think it works like that.”
“Beg to differ.”
“So...risk everything; our friendship, working relationship, everything we have...over a chemical imbalance in my brain?” Toshiro asked and Shunsui reached across the table and rapped his knuckles against Toshiro’s shoulder.
“Yeah you get it.” Shunsui said. Toshiro shook his head at the older man’s smile. “I’ll go do it for you. Tell her you drank all your sake and professed mad love for her.”
He walked past Toshiro who sat there, not budging, not indulging this giant child. He moved around a corner and Toshiro waited, he sat there under the night sky. He didn’t budge, he didn’t move, he didn’t waver. Time passed by, clouds covered the moon and he was left in near darkness. He felt a chill, which was a new and altogether alien sensation. Something was going wrong, something was going constantly wrong.
He got up. Not chasing, not pursuing, just...investigating. He rounded a corner, peering as he went. Nothing, nobody. He’d missed something, some trick hadn’t he? He made his way into the building where, very quickly he found Ise.
“Ah, good. We have an incident.” She said and led him directly to Rangiku and a series of bottles sat around her. Shunsui was squatting beside her, chatting away to her amicably about something. “She found the very good stuff and avoided me. I fear there are secret tunnels.” Ise said. “Not that I’d know anything about secret tunnels in secure locations.”
“Then what?” Rangiku tittered as Shunsui snorted back a laugh. “Then what happened?”
“Then of course I mention how he’d be just as likely to be crushed by kenpachi after a nice meal.” Shunsui told her and she was in stitches at that, pointing at her captain. “Right!?”
“You can just imagine him running through the building, screaming something and taking out everyone.” Rangiku laughed, her shoulders shaking. “Oh! Captain! Shunsui said you wanted to get dinner with me! I think that’s a great idea!”
“See. I told you, Ran loves a good bite to eat.” Shunsui collected a bottle from the ground and peered inside. “She also clearly loves a good bit to drink eh? What’s all this? You forget how to share?”
“You got lots, was looking for a tasty one.” Rangiku rattled. “Needed a tasty one, fruity.” She rambled on her head flopping back, then the rest of her chased it to the ground. “Oh no the floor.” She gasped.
“She’s spent.” Shunsui said warmly. “I suggest you walk her home, captain Hitsugaya.” Shunsui sighed. “You might even have to carry her.” He turned to look at Toshiro, the smile on his face was utterly terrifying. The man had more teeth than he had any right to and all of them seemed to shine pearly white in that little room. “What do you say, Ran? Big strong captain carry you home!?”
“Yaaaaaay.” Rangiku sounded from the floor. “Strongest captain.”
“Oooh strongest captain!” Shunsui beamed at Toshiro. “You’re gold.” A thumbs up and a crooked smile.
Toshiro felt like he’d lost, for certain. Whatever game Shunsui was playing, this had to be the losing spot. This didn’t feel like winning, not even a little bit. There was an attempt to carry her bridal style but someone had replaced her spine with a slinky. So that meant carrying her on his back which meant just an unreal amount of her being everywhere.
Her arm around his shoulders, hanging limply down his chest one moment before clinging so tight she can move him this way and that the next. Her legs braced at his hips, arms under her thighs. Her breath sneaks around the back of his ears and her chest pressed tight against his back. His legs have never felt weaker.
“Look at that,” Shunsui called, “Atlas holding the globe wishes he were so grand.” Shunsui grinned at the knee knocking and with a gentle push guided the pair out into the night. “You make sure to get this lady home, captain Hitsugaya. Clearly she’ll also expect you for breakfast the next day.”
“Yes.” Rangiku sang into Toshiro’s neck and he wobbled almost instantly. “Breakfast in bed.”
“I never said that.” Toshiro grumbled. “I never even asked you out.”
“Eh?” Rangiku looked at Shunsui tugging on his kimono. “You said he wanted to ask me out! Did you fib?”
“Never.” Shunsui lied easily. “He absolutely wants to, Ran. Without a doubt. He said it outloud to me, big soulful eyes.” Shunsui nodded his head a few times. “Oh I want to ask her out but I can’t. Captain Kyoraku can you help me!?” He clasped his hands in prayer. “Of course I can.”
“Yer a nice guy.” Rangiku told him. Shunsui walked with the pair until they reached the boundary to the ninth. “He’s a nice guy.” Rangiku repeated to Toshiro tugging his collar. She rested her chin on the space between his neck and shoulder. She could feel his pulse through the haze of booze.
“Why are you doing this?” Toshiro looked to Shunsui who just smiled down at him. “Did I do something to you?”
“No.” Shunsui looked at the back of his hand. “Best luck with your crush, captain Hitsugaya.” He said loudly before turning and leaving. Rangiku let out a long hiss of breath and tried to get even closer than she already was to Toshrio. Considering she was half wrapped around him, it was like suddenly wrestling with a massive snake made entirely out of warm hands.
“A crush!” Rangiku half shouted this and half whispered it, leading to the worst of both worlds. She pressed against his opposite cheek with one hand and made him look at her. Her face quickly became the whole world. Big blue eyes wide, red cheeks burning and her hair totally askew. He was trapped looking right at her. “You have a crush and you never told me!?” She sounded so proud at the start and so hurt at the end. “Who!? WHOoooooooooooooooooo?” She demanded locking her arm around his throat.
“Matsumoto!” He wheezed. “Let go.” She pointed and released her hold on his neck but she sagged to one side. He near fell over, hopping to one side to balance out.
“Not fair!” Rangiku whined. “You should be coming to me for this sort of advice! You can trust me on this.”
“I can’t trust you to fill in a form.” Toshiro rattled back at her and Rangiku nuzzled herself up against him her cheek pressing against his ear. How was the woman so mobile? Was she a liquid all this time!?
“DAS WORK.” She droned loudly in his ear and he groaned at the ringing. “This is a thing I’m good at!” Rangiku whined. “Shu stealing my sacred duty of supporting my little captain in his time of need.”
“It’s not like that!” Toshiro said. “He sort of bullied it out of me.” Toshiro said, it wasn’t a lie. Rangiku gasped and tugged back on his captain coat as if trying to steer him.
“WE gotta go back! He’s not allowed to do that! Defend the 10th’s honour! Toshiro’s honour!” She called out to the night and a few yowling dogs and fellow drunks answered from somewhere. “He’s not allowed to do that.”
“It’s fine.” Toshiro replied quickly. “It doesn’t matter you have to get home and so do I.” He looked back at her and she was quiet, leaning against him. He groaned and kept on moving. Rangiku wasn’t heavy, well she wasn’t light either. It was mostly there was...a lot her. Her arms and legs felt so long, she was that much taller than him she felt bunched up. He was worried he’d start dragging her or with a wrong step he’d trip over her legs.
“Why do you want to take me to dinner?” Rangiku asked after a time, he was so sure she’d fallen asleep. “Were you going to ask me for help then?”
“It could have been.” Toshiro said, feeling her adjust against his back. “It’s not something to worry about.”
“I want to, though, help you I mean.” She sighed and the feeling bolted down his spine. “You should trust me with this sort of thing.” She groaned a little and he felt one of her hands tug on his ear before she settled her chin on top of his head. “I’m good at this sort of thing. Why wouldn’t you ask me?”
“You’re...very close to this.” Toshiro replied and he felt her make a low noise, a low grumble that rattled his head slightly. Her thighs squeezed at his waist.
“It doesn’t matter! If I’m close to them I can help you.” She leaned and her chin landed sharply on his shoulder, he swore he heard her teeth click. He looked at her and got her nose in his eye for his trouble. “Ooh careful captain.”
“You be careful. I’m not a climbing frame, Matsumoto.” His eye watered as Rangiku leaned against him. He felt something wet against his eye and then she started blowing on it.
“Kiss it better.” She sang warmly and pressed another quick kiss against his closed eye. Toshiro almost dropped her then and there, no this was the last indignity. He wou-
“Rukia!” Rangiku said. “Is it Rukia you have a crush on?”
“No.” Toshiro said quickly walking faster.
“....Ichigo!” Rangiku said and Toshiro stopped walking and turned to face her. “I don’t know, captain! You could be into all sorts.” She pressed against him and laughed in his ear. “Try all the fruit on the tree, ya never know what’ll taste good.”
“It’s, no.” Toshiro said feeling heat rise up to his cheeks. Rangiku puffed out her cheeks. “You won’t guess. Don’t think about it too much.”
“But I wanna help.” Rangiku huffed, kicking her legs and tugging on his coat. “That’s gonna be what we talk about when we go out to get a-” she gasped. “They….WORK at the place you want to take me to eat at!” She seemed thrilled at this discovery. “Right, right?”
“Ah you cracked the code, Matsumoto.” He scowled, shaking his head. “That’s right.” He hung his head in shame and Rangiku crowed. That didn’t feel good, lying like that. He felt her squirm and laugh around on his back, burying her face in his hair. “No...that’s not true.”
“Ehh no take backs!” Rangiku teased. “No take backs!” She said again. “I wanna see the mystery crush and decide if they’re worth my captain.”
Toshiro let out a little laugh. “Worth me?” He asked.
“Hm, hm.” Rangiku began to kick her legs a little. “Captain Hitsugaya is a mighty fine catch!” She called out loud to the entire world and he just about felt his heart stop. “He’s loyal, smart, dedicated, kind, strong, has nice hair and that’s just the tip of the little iceberg.”
“Little...iceberg?” Toshiro was fairly certain the iceberg was melting a little at these words. Praise wasn’t necessary, it made him itch a little to hear it. To hear it from Matsumoto was...not unusual but it sounded different tonight. Usually she said these things in crowded rooms. Not when it was just the two of them. He felt her bury her face into his hair again, a smile so warm he was sure it might scorch his scalp.
“Hm hm.” Rangiku went on. “I better get to help with all the other stuff.” She warned him. “All the other parts.”
“There’s other parts?”
“Of course.” Rangiku said warmly. “Dating is a marathon, Toshiro.” She sighed. “You’re not built for it. You’ll need help.” She went on and he made a little sound. “It’s true though, you’re good, captain but dating is hard.” She slid her arm down the front of his robe and he froze there and then. One foot raised he felt her hand press on his chest. “Cause you gotta give them a bit of yourself.”
He swallowed. Her fingers drew a small circle on his chest, she knew didn’t she? Shunsui had said more than he thought, she absolutely had to know.
“You just meet someone who, honestly, you could have met a hundred times before then. You’ve seen them a million times and one day they just,” she laughs and he could collapse, “do something. Maybe they smile at you in the right light, maybe your hand brushes theirs and you’ve not touched someone in so long it feels like you grazed the sun. But once that happens, Toshiro you don’t belong to yourself, they get a little piece of you and you have to let them have it.”
“You do?”
“You do. You have no choice and they might not even know you gave it to them. But you belong to them now, even if you never say it outloud.” She lets out a long breath and the grip she has on him grows tighter. “It can hurt a lot. Nobody told me that, so I’ll tell you that. It can hurt so much. It’s not even...like a physical hurt but it feels like it. Love hurts so much and you have no way of knowing the shape that hurt takes. Sometimes you can’t go to places or the sight of them carves you apart, sometimes hearing certain words makes it feel like something wants to chew it’s way out of your chest.”
She shudders against his back. “BUT it also feels good!” Rangiku tells him.Her voice is weak but building. “It’s warm and amazing and the way that people can make you feel. Just being with them makes everyday feel special, monumental and perfect. It can be a glorious feeling as much as it can be awful. It’s a hurt you feel in your body and a hurt you feel in your soul. But it can also be-”
“I do need help with that.” Toshiro muttered, they’d been stood in front of her door for a while. He didn’t want her to stop talking. “It’s...a lot.”
“It is.” Rangiku told him. “But you’re all about exceeding expectations, just...it’s a marathon not a sprint.” Rangiku said. “Like paperwork.” She snorted. “But you know better.”
“It couldn’t be much worse. Heartache can’t match up to filing a requisition for more ink.” Toshiro grumbled. “Matsumoto can you...move your hand?” He asked and slowly she withdrew her hand from the front of his robe, coming to rest on his shoulder. “Thank you, very much.”
“You gotta let me help you.” Rangiku told him. “You’ll be good at this but you can’t rush it.”
She wanted to help him with his crush on her, she’d felt a pain and didn’t want him to feel it. He felt sore all over, right now it really did feel like he was holding up the world on his back. His whole world. Rangiku felt heavier than honestly she had any right to feel at that moment. His legs burned and he felt sure a wrong word or wrong move and he’d falter and everything would fall apart.
Shunsui’s grinning mug, another game. Had he known she’d say this? Had he moved them around to get this result? He wouldn’t want to give him that much credit but at the same time here he was.
Quaking with her, aching after she poured out her heart that he couldn’t do the same. He couldn’t do something as simple as ask her out once. There were a thousand things that could go wrong, there were a million things that could go wrong...but just as many that could go right? Surely. That’s what she had said.
“Mat-”
“Is it me?” She asked and the world felt out from under him. The grip he had on her legs almost gave way.
“Matsumoto it’s…” He swallowed. “I...found it hard to do this.” He said slowly. “It’s not easy for me like you said. How do I put it into words? I mean what do I say to you?” A jingle by his ear. He turned his head and she held a set of keys.
“Is it me here? My place?” She asked and Toshiro felt like an idiot. A hand was placed against the door and now he was trapped. “Toshiro,” oh no she was saying his name more and more, “me?” She said quietly and he swallowed. Slowly he nodded his head.
Quiet, lots of quiet. IT was endless and bottomless and Toshiro wondered if Kenpachi MIGHT just run past and murder him right now. He’d surely appreciate it, he’d owe him one. The grip Rangiku had on him grew tighter, tighter still.
“I think you should come in.” Rangiku told him and he opened the door slowly. He’d been inside a few times, not many. Enough to know where to find the lights and to know where the basic fixtures were. As soon as they were in he heard the door kicked closed behind him. Trapped now, trapped now with her and all of it up in the air.
“Matsumoto I can,” he laughed at that, “I can’t really explain but I can try.” He waited for a response but the only reply was a quiet tugging of his robe. “It’s a crush.” He said with all the weight he could manage. “But it’s….been a crush for a while. It’s been a crush for so long that...it hurts a little bit, it hurts a lot.”
He moves further into her home and keeps trying to grab at words as they happen. “You’re...vital to me.” He said, shaking his head. “Important, essential, there’s not an exact word for it. But I need you and like you said maybe at some point I gave you part of myself, but I didn’t realize it. I have no idea how long you’ve had it or when I gave it to you. You have it and I’m not sure I can ask for it back.”
“I don’t want to take the chance it hurts you.” Toshiro said. “I don’t want to ruin what we have and what we have is incredible.” He sighed. “Every day is...just like you said it’s like the sun is right with me. Warm and comforting and making every moment worth it….but I mean it’s...it feels impossible right?”
Toshiro felt himself lifted from the ground, arms under his armpits. He was quickly turned about to see Matsumoto, her cheeks red and eyes just as red. Oh god...he’d ruined it. He’d totally ruined it.
“Everest!” She said, her voice cracking. Toshiro blinked once in total confusion. “Everest is here, Toshiro!” She told him and he blinked again and slowly his brain turned back. Shunsui and his daft talk of mountains existing for the sake of being climbed. He looked at Rangiku.
Everest. Climb. Rangiku. Climb.
Something in his head blew and his face was twice as red as hers. “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!”
“YOU CLIMB EVEREST BECAUSE IT IS THERE!” Rangiku repeated. “Everest!” She said pointing at herself. He had no idea what in the world he was supposed to do with that. She still had him in her arms. “If it's impossible take it one step at a time! Reach the peaks!” She cried out and his eyes went down for a solitary second and then back up. She caught it and she snorted, a little laugh and then looked away.
He did the same thing. Both desperately didn’t want to laugh, this was something that was supposed to be serious right? This was a proper moment that would shape whatever….they were going to become. It couldn’t start with such a tasteless joke as-
They were in stitches a second later, she broke first is what Toshiro would say. Her bright rich laugh just shattered any chance he had of holding on. He broke first she’d insist, that big goofy laugh that he absolutely had but so few people ever got to hear, the kind that ran around the room free as the wind.
They both laughed until they couldn’t laugh.
“Please...don’t tell me to climb you.”
“I mean...you might have to.” Rangiku replied with a giggle. She still held him up and swung him around, legs above the ground. “So….”
“So?” Toshiro asked as she pulled him closer.
“Where are you taking me for dinner date one?” Rangiku asked and tried to fold his arms, there was no point in pretending he had power in this position. “Shunsui said you wanted to take me out, you should do it.”
“I don’t like it. That was his idea.” Toshiro said. “I’m not going to do something that lets him win….What was it you had said...breakfast in bed. That’s your idea not his. Let’s do that. “
“Well when I said that, I was rather being,” she grinned at him tongue sliding across her lips. He froze up.
“No.” He said, shaking his head. Shunsui….had put that snake thing in his mind and right now it felt like a very real outcome. This was shaky ground. “I...are you sure you want to...do that? We can-”
“Toshiro!” Rangiku yelled out. “I am tired and you can think around corners. SO I will engage in a blunt force method.” She stood there and Toshiro paused waiting. Waiting. Then they forward onto her bed. All the air was forced from Toshiro’s lungs as Rangiku landed on top of him. He groaned desperately as she slid up against him, pinning him beneath her.
“What are you doing?”
“Crushing on you.” She said frankly and he paused.
“Oh….” He said as she made herself comfy. “That’s very obvious.” Toshiro said.
“What’s for breakfast?” Rangiku asked him.
“It’ll depend on what you have.” Toshiro replied firmly as she nuzzled up against his ear. Her legs and his wound up tangled and his arms were pinned utterly at his side.
“I like omelettes.” She told him. He supposed….it would be omelettes.