Work Text:
Hurt.
It's hard if you lose something or someone. And whenever you lose something or someone, it hurts you. Especially if it's the ones you loved the most. But the worst part is only when after you lose it, you realized just how important those that you've lost meant to you.
Sometimes, even when you lose a simple pen made you realize that the pen you lose is the one that didn't make your fingers hurt whenever you were writing. And that simple pen was the best one you owned.
Losing a pen is not as hard as losing a pet. This may or may not make your week or maybe weeks full with negative feelings such as angry or just plain sad. Even though the pet for example is a cat, is not friendly, it's an angry little furball or it always hissing that you would think that if you lose it wether it ran away or simply got into a car crash, you won't care. But the moment the cat is gone you realized that your life seems.. boring. At least when the cat was with you, there will always be someone waiting for you to come back home, there will always someone who give company to you when you were doing your assignment and there will always someone who will climb into your bed in the middle of the night and cuddles you.
The loss of a best friend is worse. No more walking to wherever your feet take you, no more chatting about God knows what. No more laughing and then stopped and you looked at them and then automatically laughs again. No more pulling an all-nighter together and just talk or gossip. And no one to vent or just simply talk about crushes and secrets to.
Well, losing a sibling is much more worse. Eventhough they are sometimes annoying, made fun of you, never gave you any privacy that you very much needed or simply stole your stuffs, at the same time they were there for you, lend you some of their clothes or maybe even protect you. And they were there whenever you want to rant or even cry when your mom doesn't understands you or you just need some attention.
Losing someone never was easy, and it will never be. Arguably, the ones that you loved the most.
Love is a scary subject isn't it? Ask anyone what love is. The answers must be different. Love is something that you trust. Imagine trusting someone you love with your whole being, your heart, your brain and even your soul and they could crush it anytime, moment. But you still give them eventhough you know you will get hurt somehow. You can't get away from love, that someone will make you feel special and you will even take a bullet for them; even if they were the one who fired it.
Losing someone doesn't specifically means death. No, it means to others such as long distance and not able to communicate. Or maybe.. witnessing the love of your life walked away from your life and leave you there. All alone.
And that's what Bokuto witnessed, the love of his life walked away from him. But he knows, it's all his fault. Sitting in the couch and hiding his pathetic face that's stained by his tears using his hands. He should be dying because of the guilt that's eating him, he will let it because he knows it was his fault. What a pathetic excuse of a boyfriend Bokuto was.
He was the reason Akaashi left.
Highschool, freshman year. Akaashi saw Bokuto at the entrance ceremony and that's enough to make him fell in love. You could say that it's love at first sight. He knew that he was young and it maybe a temporary silly crush but he couldn't stop himself. How could you stop your own self from falling in love?
Bokuto was the center of attention. With his loud, strong and reliable personality, how could he not be in the center? He is practically a star. Everyone wanted a piece of him. Including our dear Akaashi.
And that was the problem. Akaashi thinks before doing anything and for Bokuto, he's not like Akaashi. Akaashi followed his mind, Bokuto relied on his instincts. While Akaashi was studying the things he doesn't have too for example Astronomy or even Advanced Physics, Bokuto go out with his friends or even play games.
What Akaashi thought was a short silly crush turns out into a long painful love story. It hurts when he sees Bokuto has been failing his studies. It hurts when Bokuto doesn't care about his grades at all.
After a good 2 years, his crush still hasn't gotten away. And that's when he and Bokuto started well.. talking to him. The principal asked Akaashi to help Bokuto with his grades because Akaashi is a smart kid and brighter than his batchmates.
Akaashi, being the good obedient student he is and having a crush on the owl haired guy, he agreed. He was ecsatic, he listed all of the things that Bokuto needs help with. He also jotted down all the facts, formulas and notes in a separate book so he could help Bokuto.
Well, Bokuto being Bokuto, wasn't as ecstatic as Akaashi . He would lazily greets him and never appreciated Akaashi's tutors, despite Akaashi's hardwork on helping him. Instead of learning, Bokuto asks Akaashi about his personal life.
And because of Akaashi's stupid feelings for his silly senior, he answered all of Bokuto's questions and even added some extra information about himself. By the end of the day, they didn't learn anything except about each other's life.
"You are not boring as I thought, Akaashi." Bokuto once said.
Since then, feelings took control. Akaashi knew that he was supposed to help Bokuto with his studies, not helping him cheat his exams and he knows that doing Bokuto's homework is wrong. But everytime he wants to help Bokuto to learn, he will get distracted by him.
After months of not studying, the kouhai decided that it's time to confront his senior and teach him, not help him cheat in tests. So one evening, Akaashi finally had enough courage too confront Bokuto but the latter just had to mess things up.
"Bokuto, listen. We really should start stu-" he didn't even get to finish his sentence when Bokuto interrupted by placing a finger at Akaashi's lips, silencing him.
"Shhh, don't wake up my cat, he's a light sleeper." Since when does this guy has a cat?
"But you don't have a- nevermind, we really should be-" Akaashi stopped when Bokuto placed a hand on his cheek.
"Akaashi, you're always trying to tell me something but, believe me.. I know.." Bokuto said before slowly leaning in and kiss Akaashi's soft lips.
All of the studies, the facts, the formulas had gone missing. Akaashi's brain is now blank and his heart is literally skipping a beat. Without thinking, Akaashi wrapped his arms around Bokuto. And well, I'm going to skip this part, let your imagination do their thing.
From that day on wards, whenever Akaashi comes to tutor Bokuto, it will only be a full make out session.
When spring comes, Akaashi realized how much his grades had fallen and decided to pick himself up. He wants to get good grades and make his family proud. His feelings had finally calmed down and now he can study peacefully. When the time to choose his career came, he knew exactly what to pick. Drawing. People will always compliment his drawings. Akaashi loves drawing as he can express himself with his drawings as he isn't good interacting with people.
Akaashi, knowing Bokuto well advices the latter to take Business Administration as it's the easiest course because the homework are less given than the core courses. And of course Bokuto, being stubborn and never took any Akaashi's advices took the same as his friends; theater. Apparently his friends said that you won't have to go to lectures as long as you act something at the end of each month. Akaashi knew that Bokuto wasn't a good actor. Hell, Bokuto didn't even know how to lie.
University life was getting harder and harder. Akaashi would've been happily studying if it's not because of his boyfriend who is friends with the wrong kind. Bokuto's friends would always invite him every weekend and go drinking. Akaashi asked Bokuto to stop. Simply because he cared for Bokuto. But Bokuto wouldn't listen. Bokuto didn't care.
Love had two different meanings for both of them.
From Akaashi's point of veiw, he loves Bokuto and can see him as the person who he can spend his entire life with, and even care for that person. While for Bokuto, love is... Comfort? Comfort that he needs to vent out his emotions. Comfort of someone cooking for him. It was comfort and not once did Bokuto realized that he has been hurting Akaashi.
Whenever Bokuto comes back home drunk and bruised, it deeply hurts Akaashi. Seeing Bokuto fails his tasks or jobs because he couldn't care less made Akaashi feel embarrassed and guilty. Guilty because he didn't do anything to help his beloved.
Akaashi knew that the relationship he in is toxic. He knew that the relationship is eating him from the inside and he knew that he should stop but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself too. He loved Bokuto eventhough Bokuto hurt him.
After a long period of time, Akaashi realized that his mental health should be his main priority. He's relationship with Bokuto is getting nowhere and he should start living by himself, take care of himself.
One specific incident made Akaashi realized how toxic his relationship with Bokuto had been and made him pack his things and leave.
"Kou, hear me out please. You are going to regret this!" Akaashi exclaimed while holding Bokuto's wallet tightly, hoping the man in front of him to stay.
"Relax, Keiji. I'm just going to have some fun with my friends!" Bokuto replied, not interested in Akaashi's pleading.
"Kou, have you ever considered my feelings? Whenever you're back home drunk, or bruised, it hurts me. And I was the one who took care of you! Who am I to you? You treat me like a butler or some kind of robot. I have feelings, I am a human being." Akaashi felt tears swelling up in his eyes but he held it. Bokuto finally took his wallet and slightly pushed Akaashi.
"Akaashi please, I'm just going out for a little bit. I expect some dinner when I come back home." Bokuto said seemed unphased by his lover's words.
"..do.. Do you even l-love me?" Akaashi stuttered and he felt tears rolling down his face, staining his cheek with tears.
Bokuto took a glance at Akaashi's face and gulped before answering.
"Yeah, sure." And with those words, Bokuto went out leaving Akaashi behind.
After Bokuto did that to him, he packed his clothes and belongings. With his stained cheeks and bloody knuckles because he just punched his and Bokuto's picture frame out of... anger? Sadness? No, hurt. He then, left. He left without any note or anything at all.
Oh how he would like to disappear from the world, right there and now. It hurts him from the inside but he knew that he had done the right decision. He knew that if he stayed any longer, he would've be Bokuto's doll that does nothing except satisfy his needs. He is human, and humans needs attention and love too.
On the other hand, Bokuto wasn't enjoying himself. He's been thinking about Akaashi's words. He just realized that Akaashi had been suffering because of him. He realized that he had taken advantage of Akaashi for his own selfish needs.
Bokuto left the party early, hoping that Akaashi was still there. Hoping that Akaashi would forgive him. Unfortunately, Akaashi had left. To his utter realization, Akaashi wasn't there to welcome him with a hug. Akaashi wasn't there to ask him wether everything is alright. There's no life in their apartment anymore. The closet was half empty.
And we are back to the current situation. Losing Akaashi made Bokuto realized how much Akaashi had meant to him and realized that how stupid Bokuto had been. Akaashi did everything for him, he helped Bokuto cheat his test and did all of his work for him just so Bokuto could rest because of his hungover. But it was too late, Akaashi is gone.
Akaashi is an angel and yet, Bokuto didn't realize that. Akaashi was the one who stayed with him in his ups and downs.
Bokuto thought wether he can get Akaashi back? Well we all know the answer to this question. No, it's too late.
Being a young adult that spent his time enjoying his youth made him forget the most important person to him.
I wonder. How long would Bokuto get over this heartbreak?