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Ever since getting together, Dean and Castiel have slipped easily into a comfortable, familiar routine. Each night, right around eleven-thirty, Dean will yawn loudly and excuse himself for the evening, Cas will follow behind a few minutes after, Sam’ll do a poor job of feigning blissful ignorance about what his brother and friend are doing (an actor, he is not), Dean and Cas will have sex, and then Dean’ll pass out in the arms of the angel who now quite literally watches over him as he sleeps.
It’s strange having joy and happiness as a part of his life on the regular now, to the point where Dean can recognize them like old friends. But still, even when everything seems to be going right and there’s no real reason to question any of it, here Dean is, doubting it all.
He’s happy, yeah, but it’s Cas he’s worried about.
It’s not so much a question of whether or not Cas loves him; that’s something Dean is certain of, more than anything in this world. He would (and has) bet his life on that truth.
It’s more so a question of whether or not Cas is satisfied with the state of their relationship. Specifically, if Cas is satisfied sexually.
With Cas, sex had been something of a learning curve. Angels didn’t exactly get mediocre sex ed in middle school, and Cas didn’t have a ton of lived experience to go off of either. His understanding of sex was pretty much just the basics.
He had been reluctant and nervous during their first time, which was understandable and honestly expected, so Dean had made it a point to guide Cas through it and all at his own pace. It had gone well, with Cas never once needing to stop, despite Dean continuously pausing and asking if he was good. Each time he was asked, Castiel had simply nodded and smiled, assuring Dean that it was right for him -- that it was right for them both.
But now, despite having had sex dozens of times since that initial experience, it still feels like Cas is harboring that same reluctance. Dean thought it would’ve lessened by now as Cas’ confidence grew, and yet, he still finds himself pausing in the middle, still asking Cas if everything is alright, if he’s good. And just as Cas did during that first time, he always nods and smiles, always comes with a loud moan after Dean does, and always whispers a sweet and assured “I love you” as Dean pulls out of him.
That should be all the affirmation Dean needs -- key word ‘should’ -- but it’s hard not to feel uncertain when Cas never makes a move on his own. He’s always just responding and reciprocating Dean’s advances. He never speaks about sex, not unless Dean brings it up first. And if Dean ever tries to get a little dirty going by asking Cas what turns him on, the answer is always just a slightly perplexed “you?”. Never any mention of specifics.
Maybe it’s just his wounded ego talking, frustrated at the fact that Cas isn’t constantly begging for his dick, but Dean can’t shake the feeling that he’s doing something wrong here.
So tonight, when Cas walks in the bedroom to join him for their usual evening routine, Dean chooses to address it, blatantly so: “You want this, right?”
Cas stops in his tracks and raises a brow at Dean. “Want what?”
“This--” Dean gestures between himself and Cas. “--Me. Us.”
“Of course I want you, Dean,” Castiel says, sounding more than a little affronted. “Why would I ever not want you? You know how intimately and deeply I feel for you.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know that part. And it’s great, right back atchya,” Dean says, dismissively, probably a bit too dismissively, but he needs some answers here. “I mean the sex, Cas. Do you want to have sex with me right now?”
“Well, it’s 11:30. This is what we always do at 11:30.”
“Yes, but do you want to be doing this right now?”
Cas pauses for a moment, a pensive look on his face as he considers. “I’m not opposed.”
Now it’s Dean’s turn to be affronted. “You’re ‘not opposed’? That’s not exactly what a guy wants to hear to get in the mood.”
“Oh.” Cas’ brows knit together and he purses his lips. “Well, then I’d very much enjoy it if you were to fuck me right now. How about that?”
“...I think I liked ‘not opposed’ better.” Dean heaves out a sigh and runs a hand over his face. He pats the spot beside him on the bed. “C’mere, sit down.”
Frowning, Castiel hesitates before he moves toward Dean and joins him on the bed. Dean throws an arm around Cas’ shoulders, bringing him close. “I need you to be honest with me. Am I doing something wrong here?”
“No,” Castiel says, immediately.
“Then why are you only ‘not opposed’ to sex?” Dean asks. “Why don’t you ever ask for it, or even talk about it? Am I really that bad? Come on, you can tell me, I won’t be offended.”
Well, maybe a little offended, but he’ll keep that to himself.
Cas shakes his head. “No, your performance is always impressive and commendable.”
“‘Impressive and commendable’?’” Dean parrots back, blinking at Cas. Well if the mood wasn’t already dead, it surely is now. “Um, thanks.” He tightens his hold on Cas, giving his shoulder a small squeeze. “But I know you well enough to know that’s not the whole story here. Something’s on your mind, so go on, spit it out.”
Castiel swallows and turns away from Dean. “I mean it when I say that I want you. Always, and in every sense that you’ll allow me to have you. It’s not you, really, it’s--”
“I swear, if you say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, like we’re in some kind of a chick flick right now--”
“But it is me!” Castiel interrupts. “It’s my fault you’re feeling this way. This doubt, this disappointment, and it’s all because I can’t satisfy you in the way you deserve.”
“You can’t satisfy me?” Dean says, incredulously. “No, no, everything is great for me, why do you think I’m friggin’ begging for you every night? I’m the one who can’t satisfy you, even after we’ve done it like a million times now!”
“No, that’s not it!” Castiel exclaims, frustration evident in his voice. It doesn’t seem like it’s directed at Dean, but a larger issue, perhaps the very same mystery that Dean is trying to uncover.
And if there’s one thing Dean’s gotten good at over the years, it’s solving a mystery, and he’s not about to let one as important as this go unsolved and tarnish his track record.
Gripping Castiel’s chin, Dean tilts it upward and locks their gazes together. “Let’s try this again, and I promise, no matter what, I won’t get mad at you. I just really need you to be honest with me, Cas. Can you can do that for me?”
Castiel leans into the touch of Dean’s hand, nodding slowly. “Alright.”
Dean inhales deeply before speaking. “Do you like having sex with me?”
Castiel falls silent, the look on his face mirroring the one that he often has when they are intimate. It’s that same look of reluctance and confusion, and it speaks volumes before he even gets a word out.
“I do,” Cas eventually says. “But...I don't think it’s so much the physicality or arousal of it that I enjoy. If anything, that component of it makes me a bit uncomfortable.” He bites down on his lower lip and looks down at his clenched hands. “And I know that’s the part of it you’re supposed to enjoy, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t bring myself to...”
“And that’s alright,” Dean assures. “You don’t have to force yourself to do it for me, it’s okay.”
“...but that’s just it,” Castiel continues. “I’m not forcing myself to do anything. Because I told you, I do like having intimacy with you, that’s not a lie. But what I like about it is seeing how you enjoy it. How you enjoy me, and how I can satisfy you in the way that you deserve. That means absolutely everything to me, Dean.”
Suddenly Dean being Cas’ one and only “turn-on” makes a whole lot more sense, along with those nods and sweet smiles, and of course, the profound declaration of “I love you” at the conclusion, each and every time, without fail. They aren’t cold, artificial instances of Cas trying to conceal his sexual dissatisfaction with Dean -- they are exactly how Cas is satisfied.
“You always will satisfy me, no matter what. Don’t you ever forget that.” Dean presses his lips to Castiel’s forehead, kissing it. “But I don’t want you to feel like we constantly have to have sex every single night just because I want to. I mean, I always want to, I don’t think I’m ever not horny.”
“Yes, I’m more than aware of that,” Castiel says, chuckling.
Dean laughs along with him, his expression then morphing to something more serious as he looks Cas in the eye. “I’m serious, though. From here on out, I’ll ask you. I won’t ever just assume. And if you say no, well, my right hand’s just got a little more work to do in the shower.”
Castiel blinks, his head tilting slightly. “Why would our not having sex make for a more strenuous shower experience for you?”
“I...y’know what, don’t worry about it,” Dean says, waving a dismissive hand. “Alright, I’m gonna ask you again, and you’re gonna answer me honestly with what you want, so don’t even think about lying -- do you want to have sex with me?”
“I was being truthful earlier when I said I’m not opposed. Because most of the time, I’m not,” Cas says, shrugging a bit. “However...it’s quite comfortable where we are right now. Like this? Maybe we could just do a little bit more of this until you fall asleep?”
“You got it.” Dean brings Cas a little closer to him, enveloping himself fully in the angel and his warmth. “Is this alright?”
Castiel smiles brightly and nods, as he always does when Dean asks the question. “It’s perfect.”
“And kisses, are those alright, too?” Dean asks.
Cas nods again. “Oh yes, kisses are always alright.”
Dean breathes out a relieved sigh. “Halle freakin’ lujah.” He collides his lips with Castiel’s, kissing him.
Cas kisses him back, enthusiastically and sweetly as he always does, but now, there’s a newfound and apparent confidence in it, the reluctance and confusion finally taking a backseat. As they part from the kiss, Castiel whispers against Dean’s lips, “I love you.”
He says it just as he does after sex, that same hearfelt and sincere declaration that never ceases to make Dean’s heart flutter.
“I love you, too,” Dean returns, smiling at his angel and holding him a little tighter.
It’s all still little confusing for Dean, someone who’s never been shy about the fact that he enjoys sex, very much so. And it could be confusing for awhile, hell, he might not ever fully understand it. But what he does now know is exactly what Cas needs and wants from him, and more importantly, he knows that Castiel is happy and satisfied with him and with their relationship.
Mystery solved.