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Chikage paid a visit to the cliff every now and then, offering some company to the lonely moon in the night skies above. To him, solitude was his comfort — oddly enough, the company of others made him feel a bitter emptiness inside, while being alone made him feel more whole than not.
Unlike other days, the secret agent was accompanied by an unexpected guest, one whose acute sense of perception came as a surprise to him. It was his own director, the one whose patience baffled him. Every interaction with her brought back bitter recollections of his first months at Mankai, which in return, made him feel nothing but utter shame.
Her resilience and compassion astounded him, for he seldom found himself on the receiving end of such emotions. (He wouldn’t admit it, but even August could only do so much to comfort him and Decem- Hisoka. )
Calm in the face of danger, Izumi Tachibana was a force to be reckoned with, indeed.
Maybe that was why he found her so endearing.
Yet, he felt as if this was all just a dream. Mankai Company became his new family, Hisoka was there with him, and just like that, their promise to August was fulfilled. There seemed to be no strings attached whatsoever, which led him to think otherwise. And, to top it all off, Izumi was insistent on being with him, despite his initial objections. Of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t unwelcome to the idea of a relationship with her.
But, at the same time… Although grateful for Izumi and Mankai Company, something inside him made him feel estranged from them. Was it fear? Guilt? Worry? Or perhaps, it was all three of them.
As he caught a glance of Izumi’s smiling face, amidst the beautiful nighttime scenery of the cliff, Chikage reminded himself that running away would only bring him the same pain he felt after August’s demise. Such is what brought him to take a silent, yet deep breath before parting his lips to break the peaceful silence between them.
“What if this whole thing turned out to be a lie? This “found family” of ours, this utter happiness we’ve all had for the past few years, everything we’ve all worked so hard to protect. You know, us …” Chikage took a short pause and brought it in himself to look into Izumi’s eyes. The woman was calm, understanding, and laden with her own unreadable emotions — such was reflected in her eyes when she turned her gaze to meet his own. “What if it was all just a fickle attempt to achieve the impossible?”
“Such as…?” Izumi asked in response. Her body turned in Chikage’s direction, just so she could more properly talk to the man. Small things like these, although trivial, were important to Izumi — they could make or break a conversation, after all. Seeing as Chikage needed some comfort, she thought of offering him a smile… but the seriousness of the conversation made her think against doing so.
“Happiness.”
Chikage saw the confusion etched onto his director’s face, and he allowed himself to muster a weak smile at her curiosity.
“Mankai has brought everyone together and changed us in ways we couldn’t have imagined before,” he began, looking to the moon with desperation in his eyes. “If this place had to disappear someday… what would become of us then?”
“I’m sure that won’t happen,” said Izumi. She reached out to place a hand on top of the other’s, only for him to withdraw from the warmth of her gentle touch.
“...After losing Hisoka and August, I made a vow to never open up to anyone; never again. I didn’t want to risk going through the same pain of losing another loved one — not back then, not now, never. Yet, here I am,” Chikage laughed. He looks away from the moon and Izumi, hoping to prevent his sullen expression from being seen. “Pitiful, aren’t I?”
In silence, Izumi shook her head and placed a hand on Chikage’s shoulder, rubbing back and forth to try and soothe the man.
Chikage, on the other hand, seemed to grow agitated at the innocent gesture. Why would someone such as Izumi continue to care for him so much? She knew what he did for a living, she saw his worse sides, and yet she still chose to remain next to him, going as far as to offer him comfort.
Her resilience was what made it so difficult for him to let her go. If she refused to leave him, then how could he bring it in himself to leave her?
From his loosely-gathered thoughts, the answer was simple: he would just have to make her change her mind.
Turning his head, he looked at Izumi with saddened eyes and wrapped a hand around her wrist in a vice grip. In the blink of an eye, he had pinned her to the ground, with each of his hands propped up on both sides of her head. One slam of his hand against the ground was enough to elicit the slightest flinch from her, and a bitter laugh reverberated from his throat.
“Hate me, Izumi Tachibana,” he spat, his voice a low rumble. “Tell me you hate me.”
Regretfully, his pleas fell on deaf ears, for the woman encaged between his arms responded not with words of hatred — rather, warmth was what his words got him. The foreign sensation of warmth against his cheek, the radiance of her smile, along with everything else in between was what he wanted to revel in for the rest of his days… But he couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, his duties wouldn’t allow him to.
No, he didn’t deserve any of this, not with the sins of his past actions weighing down on him.
“Izumi, please. ”
She deserved better. Anyone but him.
“Chikage...”
Chikage did nothing to stop Izumi as she gently pushed his shoulders away from her, and the tapering warmth only made the pit in his stomach grow bigger. But then, a pair of arms wrapped around his sides, pulling him back into what he expected to be lost forever: a loving embrace. A protective, loving embrace.
Even with a lack of words, the sudden gesture told him that everything would be all right. He could let everything out, all the pent-up emotions he’d suppressed over the years, without regretting a single thing. To be in Izumi’s arms, even if for a moment, was what he’d craved for so long. The warm touches and gentle kisses were unexpected, but came as something he could grow accustomed to, accompanied with the words he’d waited for someone to tell him for so long.
“It’s okay to cry, Chikage. It’s okay.”
Had Izumi not said anything, the feeling of cold tears rolling down his cheeks would’ve gone unnoticed. Chikage tensed up at the realization, but the light pats against the center of his back made haste with sweeping his worries to the back of his mind.
Plagued since birth with endless grief and anguish, Chikage had always denied himself a sense of security, for he prioritized solitude and duty over his own needs. He believed that only then, would his life be less painful than it already was. It wasn’t until meeting Izumi that he was proven to be absolutely incorrect in that aspect of his thinking.
“Just trust me, okay? Besides, if anyone tries to lay a finger on Mankai, we’ll kick their ass. Together,” Izumi whispered, smiling when she finally felt a pair of arms encircle around her sides. “So... don’t worry. Everything’ll be alright.”
“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it,” Chikage laughed quietly through his own tears and slowly lifted his head up. Hearing those very words mended the fractured heart that once beat erratically in his chest, transforming it into one that returned to him feelings he believed to be lost to the sands of time. “Given your stubbornness, I doubt we’ll be able to move forward if I don’t do otherwise.”
“I wonder who I got that from.” Izumi pouted in response to his poor attempt at a jest and crossed her arms in front of her chest, not waiting for the other to pull away. “But, I guess it takes one to know one… am I right?”
“Tch. Rude. ”
“Admit it, I’m right.”
With a scoff, Chikage shot her a playful, yet incredulous look before laying onto the grass beneath them.
“Well…” he said, tapping his chin once, twice, and even thrice. “You’re not wrong, I’ll say that much.”
Stretching a hand towards the vast sky, he gestured almost as if he was trying to take the stars into his grasp. Izumi followed suit and laid right next to him, taking in the relaxed expression on his face. There was an air of childish innocence to it, causing her to smile without her even knowing it.
It was one of those rare moments where Chikage let his guard down, where he spoke and acted without any hints of restraint. It was much different than the other times they went out together. This time felt much more relaxing. without worries or stress — instead, there was warmth and happiness.
“...Thank you,” Chikage whispered, lacing his fingers around the other’s. “For everything.”
“And thank you ,” Izumi whispered back, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “For not giving up on me the first time around.”
“I don’t think I had much of a choice,” he laughed.
“Oh, but you did ,” was Izumi’s retort of choice, followed by a soft nudge of the elbow.
“Whatever you say, Izumi,” Chikage sighed, smiling. “Whatever you say.”
As long as Izumi continued to remain by his side, hand-in-hand…
Even in the inevitable end, everything will be fine.