Work Text:
Jongwoon rubbed his eyes after waking up. His eyes looked for the windows and he noticed that the sun wasnt even up. He realized he woke up first than his alarm so he turned it off before it created a noise. He then sat on his bed while tucking his hair using his fingers. He slipped himself off the bed after and made his way towards the bathroom.
The day has finally come, he whispered to himself while looking at his own reflection in the mirror. The mixture of excitement, happiness and nervousness were evident on his face as the day he was waiting for has finally come. He heaved a sigh and his eyes wavered as he saw himself wearing the tux he wasn't aware he would wear someday. His chest tightened because of the sudden emotions rushing through his body and before the tear slipped from his eyes, he left his house and immediately went to the salon.
Looking sleek, he arrived in the venue. He walked through the vast green grass, hands on his pockets, trying to be careful not to get tripped or whatever as he was born as a clumsy man. His eyes wandered around the place. He can only think of one word to describe everything, magnificent. Everything is perfect in his eyes, from the place, decors, weather, colors picked, just everything. His lips curved into a soft smile by thinking of how Hyukjae would react to this. His vision saw Heechul talking with Leeteuk and his feet brought him in there.
“Yo Yesex!” The man in a beige suit, lighter than his, greeted him in usual way and his face distorted.
“Stop calling me that.” he frowned, totally disliking "Yesex" as his nickname. It's been years , he thought to himself while trying not to roll his eyes. "Then how about Dr. Kim?" Heechul continued teasing him and before he cursed, Leeteuk butted in.
“Just don't mind him, Yesung" Leeteuk said, chuckling. “Are you okay?” he added, asking him as he noticed the tension coming from Jongwoon’s body. The excitement he felt earlier was gone and nervousness only overcame his body now. He was about to reply when the receptionist informed them to standby in their positions as the wedding is going to start, especially the groom.
The ceremony started and Jongwoon walked down the aisle, uneasy but still managed to curve his lips. A nerve wrecking moment as everyone says. He walked slowly, so slowly to the point he felt like it was a never ending path. The rhythm of the harmony that the musician is giving wrapped around his body. The green vast expanse of grass under the carpet was as beautiful as the weather. The sky was painted blue, clouds were white as snow and the cold breeze of the wind ruffled his hair so as the white silk cloth, swaying together with the wind. A perfect day for a wedding.
He didn't care about the people standing both in his sides as he kept on walking. Not minding how everyone looked at him in different emotions. He only focuses in front, at the end of the aisle where he will stand up, where he will be waiting for Hyukjae.
Positioned himself, his hands clasped and brought them below his stomach, fidgeting as he couldn’t manage himself anymore. He patiently waits for the bell to ring, indicating Hyukjae is going to enter. He wasn't paying attention to the ones coming right after him, he wasn't at all. His mind is only secluded to how Hyukjae will look like walking in an aisle, looking dashing in his suit, the suit he chose for him.
After a moment, the bell rings. He isn't a fan of the sound of loud and annoying bells but this one is an exception. He stiffened and directly motioned his head where the starting point of the aisle is. His heart pounding and world changed when he saw Hyukjae standing, approaching the red carpet where he walked earlier. He was wrong, Hyukjae didn't just look dashing but looked more dashing and beautiful. His stomach rumbled not because he felt hungry but because of the butterflies flipping in his stomach.
He could feel the stares into him but all he did was to stare at Hyukjae as if he was the only person left in this world. As if he was in a dimension where the only two of them were there. Jongwoon felt the time ticking so fast when he saw Hyukjae almost approaching him, with a smile and eyes glistening right to his direction. His face shows happiness and contentment and Jongwon feels them too and the memories start to flashback in his mind.
~
"Mind if I share the table with you?" He startled when a guy in a cap showed beside him. He was peacefully doing his paperwork when this mf disturbed him.
"Err-- there are a lot of vacant tables here" he replied after checking out the vacant tables around him.
"I know"
"Then why share with me?" His brows creased while typing his report for his presentation tomorrow.
"Because I want to"
"You're crazy," He replied, still not giving his eyes to him. His eyes were fixed on his computer only.
"My name is Hyukjae. Lee Hyukjae, not crazy. I mean i am not crazy at all"
He heaved a sigh before moving his sight towards the guy in front of him.
"You are" he answered back plainly, with no emotions before bringing his eyes back to what he was doing.
quite cute.
Man who would've thought that would be their first interaction. Hyukjae barging into his life like a crazy person made everything go crazy as hell between them. He could still remember how that incident happened so many times because of him being an "arrogant" person as he said until he felt comfortable with him. Became his closest friend until their relationship bloomed just like a flower in spring season, blooming beautifully.
December 13, 20xx
Hyukjae was washing the dishes when his eyes caught something outside the window. He stopped and turned off the faucet before wiping his wet hands on a clean cloth. He leaned in closer and his eyes widened when he saw small, white particles falling from the air.
"IT'S SNOWING!" he beamed and immediately rushed to where his and Jongwoon's room is. He opened the door and made his way excitedly, not minding he is still wearing an apron.
"Love! It's snowing!" he excitedly announced, which made Jongwoon chuckle how cute and adorable his boyfriend was.
He closed his laptop and books before jumping out the bed and walked towards the younger. His arms automatically wrapped on its waist and kissed its forehead.
"Do you want to go outside then?" Jongwoon sweetly uttered after pulling out his lips from the younger's skin. His eyes were now on Hyukjae.
A low laugh slipped from his mouth when the younger nodded its head for multiple times as a reply. He leaned and took a quick peck before taking out his arms from the younger.
"Okay okay. Let's go change"
He couldn't help but to smile remembering how cute Hyukjae was playing with the snow. He was cold but by looking at him, he felt warm and even felt warmer when Hyukjae held his hands and brought them close to his lips and heaved. A small action made him feel the knot on his stomach that day. It was the first time someone did it to him that he couldn't forget it. They shared the moments after by hugging and throwing snowballs to each other.
He couldn't help but to feel emotional while looking at Hyukjae walking down the aisle. His eyes were locked on his face. The face he wants to see everyday after waking up in bed, the face he wouldn't get tired of, the face he wants to get close with, the face he wants to shower with kisses until they get old. He sees Hyukjae as his endgame, as his lifetime partner. He gulped as his emotions started to rise up and he couldn't help but to think of the past again. The reason why he pursued the career of being a doctor.
"Is everything okay? You're quiet" Jongwoon suddenly asked before hugging him tighter.
"You're still thinking of what course you're going to study right?" he heard Hyukjae replied after switching his position, now facing him. He hummed while stroking his cheek softly. Hyukjae reached his hand and grasped it.
"Can you study medicine for me?"
His brows met by the sudden question the latter pulled out.
"You want me to become a doctor?" He chuckled while muttering it after bringing down their intertwined hands. He earned a nod. "I really wanted to become one but you know the situation i had so i couldn't"
"And… i just sudden thought of it- Of what if you'll achieve the dream I want" he added shyly. "But I'm not forcing you. If you are thinking of something else-"
"Okay. I will" he cut him off by pressing his lips on his forehead, whispering those words. "I will. For you" he added, making Hyukjae waver his eyes and before a tear slipped his eyes, he kissed him fully on his lips.
He decided to study abroad and it was hard letting Hyukjae go for the meantime. He couldn't forget how the latter bawled his eyes out while saying goodbye to him in the airport. He almost ditched his flight and did not want to go because it hurt him seeing Hyukjae vulnerable. He didn't want to leave him but he had to. For their dream.
It wasn't easy having a long distance relationship especially in the first days. What made it hard was the timestamp he and Hyukjae have between each other. Aside from that was his schedule and Hyukjae's, they didn't meet and the only time they could talk was after Hyukjae's shift at work. While his, was there before he went to class in the morning. There were also times they didn't talk for days especially when his exams week came and when Hyukjae was busy with his work. They both understood it as they were reaching their goal for each other.
Their goals.
The time stopped as Hyukjae stopped in front of him, teary eyed. His heart clutched at the sight of him. He was about to reach out his hand, to wipe the tears wanting to slip from his eyes for he doesn't want to see him cry but Hyukjae’s lips moved faster before his hand, he read it and it tells,
“Thank you”
And that's where realization hit him,
that Hyukjae isn’t his and will never be his anymore. With a heavy heart, he replied with a smile and mouthed “You’re welcome” and saw how Hyukjae's eyes moved to his side, where Donghae was. His heart was ripping into pieces as he saw how Hyukjae’s eyes dilated, telling how in love he was with the latter.
His slightly shaking lips are curving into a smile but deep inside, he isn't. He is secretly pinching his skin to prevent himself from shaking. He feels jealous and wants to grab Hyukjae away from him.
He was hoping that Hyukjae would look at him again, the way he looked at him like he is his everything, like he is his home just like before but he knew that wouldn't happen anymore, starting from that day he came back home. He knew something was off to Hyukjae. He couldn't feel the warmth he felt before. He was always busy with his phone. Always out of the house. They don't even eat together.
Hyukjae took a bite of his food and chewed it happily. “Did Jongjin make this? This is so good!”, he exclaimed while happily slicing his food.
Earlier, he called Hyukjae to meet up with him in his cafe. It was a month after he came home for a vacation. He wanted to see Hyukjae before he graduated from college and take board exams after.
He was only staring at him, memorizing every feature he has on his face, his hair, his body, everything. He thought of this for a long time already. He knew it, he felt it, that Hyukjae doesn't share the same feelings with him anymore.
"What is it that you want to say, Woon-ah?"
Jongwoon bitterly smiled. 'You don't even call me aesongie now', he thought to himself.
"Spill it. I'll listen to you" he uttered back before slicing the steak in front of him.
Hyukjae was puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"You're in love with someone else" he calmly replied that made him hear a utensil drop on the plate.
"What are you saying-"
"It's fine. You don't have to keep it on me. Just… tell me honestly." He was trying not to crack his voice up, trying to suppress the emotion he's trying to hide. He carefully dropped his utensils as he felt his hands starting to shake. He stared at Hyukjae and he was hurt when he saw his eyes starting to get teary.
He hates it when he cries.
He hates it the most.
He bit his lips when Hyukjae reached his hand and suddenly cried.
"Jongwoon, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to"
The tears he wanted to hide, slipped from his eyes now. He couldn't keep them anymore. The pain he is feeling is too much. He was looking forward to it already but the news still made him lost for words. He didn’t know what to say nor even react to. All he could feel was his tears flowing continuously on his cheeks. He wanted to ask why. He wanted to ask what lacked him that made him fall out of their love. He gave everything he could provide. His time despite almost running out of it. For him, he never missed in giving him the attention but maybe it lacked, it was lacking.
He composed himself, breathing heavily while trying not to look at Hyukjae as much as possible, as he doesn’t want to see him crying, begging. He looked out the windows. He noticed the weather became gloomy, the skies starting to get dark and it seemed like it's going to rain. Just like what he feels.
“Since when?” he murmured, still not giving him a glance.
He saw Hyukjae bent his head down and started fidgeting his hands. “Last year” he replied in a whisper, making Jongwoon close his eyes in mixed emotions- anger, sadness and jealousy. He wanted to purr his anger out on Hyukjae. He was doing his best abroad, studying for him, for them. If only he knew this would be the end of this situation, he should’ve refused him. He shouldn’t have gone abroad and just stayed with him instead.
He has so many thoughts- of what ifs, whys and hows. How could Hyukjae do this to him? Why did Hyukjae end up falling out of their love? Was it because he was busy? Was it because he wasn’t around to cater him? To be with him?
“I was in pain, Jongwoon. I was alone, I couldn’t stand it” Hyukjae explained and at that moment he wanted to close his ears, to block them. He is tired of being tired. He wanted to tell him he was also in pain, without him. Without hyukjae every time he gets back from his school. Without Hyukjae every time he is distressed in everything. There was no Hyukjae to hug him, to kiss him, to make him feel home, to warm him. No one.
He lifted his head up, blinking back the tears that were trying to come out more on his eyes. He wiped them after and smiled at Hyukjae. He wanted to scream at him, to let out the anger but seeing Hyukjae crying and feeling sorry in front of him made him retreat. He loves him. After all, he was still the Hyukjae he fell in love with for years.
“It’s okay. I understand. Just promise me one thing…” he paused and gulped. His lips were shaking. He looked up one more time and held his hand tighter, tighter than before as he knew this would be the last time he would hold this hand.
“Please be happy with him”
He stepped back and swallowed when Hyukjae passed by him. He feels like he is slowly burning. He gulped for many times already and Leeteuk who was beside him could feel the uneasiness coming from his body. The ceremony started and he could feel the countless times of knives stabbing his heart at the sight he was seeing. His body tensed up when his most feared part came, exchanging vows and I do’s.
“Lee Donghae is someone who believes in me always”
“Woonie, I'm scared. I’m nervous. You think I can make it?”
“Hey, what are you saying? You’re the best dancer in the world. It would be a shame if they won’t see it. You are the best. You are good, don’t doubt yourself and besides I’ll be here. I’ll be with you and I believe you can make it. I believe in you”
I believe in you too, Hyukjae.
“He is someone i can run into when i feel sad, alone, and when i'm doubting myself”
“Where are you? Can you come home?”
“Didn’t I tell you I’m going to mom and dad? why, baby? Did something happen?”
“No. Nothing. Just take care when you-”
“I’ll go home, just wait for me.”
I also do everything so you won’t feel those, Hyukjae. Whatever I do, I’ll leave it for you. That’s how much I love you.
“I love him with all might. He is my everything”
“I love you, Hyukjae”
“I love myself too- kidding! I love you too. I love you. I love you more. I love you most. I love you so much, Woonie, My everything.”
Did you mean it, love? When you said I was your everything? Even if you do or don’t, you are always my everything.
“Do you accept Lee Donghae as your lawfully wedded husband?”
With cold sweat, he hoped and prayed that Hyukjae would decline it. That he would remember him, the shared moments, memories they had for years. Hyukjae stayed silent for a few seconds and his hopes popped like a bubble of the latter's reply.
“I do”
He felt his world wrecked, his breathing became abnormal and he knew to himself it was over for him, for them.
He wanted to stay until the ceremony finished but seeing Hyukjae happy and smiling because of someone else made him feel weak. He gritted his teeth and excused himself, rushing towards the exit. His steps walk into a fast pace, almost running. I used to become the reason of his smiles, his laughs. He wanted to be away in that place. God knows how much he wanted to but he promised to Hyukjae. At Least the last promise he could make.
He sees him as his everything. He poured himself into everything, almost forgetting himself just to pursue being a doctor, what Hyukjae wishes for him but turned out he lacked on taking care of the latter too. His desire of becoming a doctor overpowered his duty as his boyfriend and he couldn't blame Hyukjae for looking for the love and care he didn't give.
That's what he is furioused of.
He clenched his fist while looking down the floor. The tears he was trying to conceal bursted out in his eyes. Sobs came after until he bawled out silently, mewling just to pour out the sadness he felt that time. It was too heavy for him. Too heavy seeing the person he wanted to be with for hundred years is now married and not with him. A hand on his shoulder made him stop and looked back.
"Ofcourse it will never be okay at first but time heals all wounds, Jongwoon. I know one day, the pain you’re feeling right now will be gone and I’ll look forward to that day to come.”
What Jongwoon only knows at that moment is, he's hurt and the pain he is feeling at cannot be taken away easily.
Hyukjae and Donghae went to the table of his friends. They were welcomed with greetings and cheers. His eyes wandered around the place and noticed a seat was vacant. He was about to look at the supposed owner of it when Donghae excused himself and got distracted for a little bit. He sat with his friends and talked with them until he noticed the vacant seat again.
Kyuhyun felt Hyukjae wasn’t listening to him anymore and saw him looking at a vacant chair.
“Oh! That chair was supposed for Jongwoon hyung but from what I heard, today is his flight back in the US” he blurted out, causing the attention of Hyukjae as well as their friends.
“Back… in the US?” Hyukjae repeated softly. He received a nod from Kyuhyun and somehow felt a disturbing feeling inside. His attention was drawn away until a hand on his shoulder woke him up. He looked at the hand first before looking at the owner of it and it was Leeteuk.
“Jongwoon wanted me to give you this,” he said while reaching out an envelope to him.
Confused, he took it slowly. “What is this?” he asked.
“See it for yourself”
Hyukjae, love, thank you for making me feel complete even in a short span of time. Those times were the best and will never forget them. I never thought there would be a finale for our book. I was in the beginning but sadly wasn’t in the last chapter of it. I thought it would be us though, you and me just like what we have promised to each other. Cliché but promises are really meant to be broken not because I keep on hearing it anywhere, but because we experienced it both. I broke my promises to you, we broke our promises to each other. I have seen the reason in your eyes why you chose him, he makes time for you, cares for you, and definitely gives you everything that i couldn't before. After knowing your side, I want to say sorry for making you feel I neglected you, that I have forgotten you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you're not important to me but always remember I did. I do.
But you know what? It's really hard to fight for something that was already fated. It's hard to fight for our love that diminished. It's excruciating to let go. I truly love the most but your happiness comes first and I can see it through your eyes with him. How beyond happy you are when you are with him and I am happy for you too even the happiness you’re feeling is not from me anymore. I am leaving you up to him even though it's hard. Anyway, I just want to say Congratulations to the both of you again. This might sound stupid but im wishing and hoping it will be us in another life.
I am wishing and rooting for your happiness only.
Love,
Jongwoon
Slowly, the crumpled paper he was holding was getting wet from his tears. From the first drop until it kept coming in. He had so many regrets in his life and the one he regretted the most was breaking up with Jongwoon.
“You’re crying again. It’s not good for you”
“Jongwoon sent me a letter. He loves me all this time. He still loves me, Hae.” he mewled softly while grasping the torn paper in his hand, bringing it closer to his chest.
He didn’t fall out of their love. It was Jongwoon, It was only him all the time.
“Did you see his face earlier, Hae? I wanted to run to him and tell him he’s the one I truly love.”
“But I was a coward. I made him believe in a lie” he weakly added.
“Please stop crying. It’s not good for your health” Donghae pleaded.
“No. I was a coward, Hae. I am a coward” he cried, purring out the emotions he was holding in from the start. From the day he broke up with him. From the days he was missing him and aching for his existence. From the day he asked him to be his best man. From the start of his wedding, where he saw him standing next to Donghae.
It was surreal for him. He believed he was getting married to him for a moment. Everything became blurred and special when he laid his eyes on him. He wanted to run to him. He wanted to be in his arms. He wanted to be with him, get married to him.
He believed he was fine until he read the letter. Until a single letter wrecked him again. He felt Donghae hugging him from behind.
"But i know he will understand it" Donghae softly replied, trying to comfort him.
"That's the problem because he didn't know I am sick" he weakly whispered.
Funny that he didn't know he would really need Jongwoon in the future but he was scared. It's not that he doesn't believe in Jongwoon's capabilities as a doctor. He was scared of dying in his arms if he will really be. He was scared of making Jongwoon believe he would be okay when there wasn't certainty at all. He could endure Jongwoon crying in front of him by making him believe he fell out of love but thinking of Jongwoon crying because he died, he couldn't take it. He couldn't take Jongwoon living more miserably because he was gone for real .
He was hopeless.
He looked at the moon and closed his eyes.
I hope it will be really us in another life, Jongwoon.
I promise I will make it possible.
I love you… until my last breath.