Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Firstly, it should be made clear that Kieu My didn’t plan for this. This being possibly the worst thing to ever happen to her.
 The thing in question came into light on New Year’s Eve, while watching Fatou dancing close with Yara Aimsakul. Fatou, who’s mere presence brings a calm to Kieu My. Fatou, who’s every smile makes Kieu My’s heart jump ever so little. Fatou, who’s lips are just barely brushing Yara’s. You might think "well, Kieu My, shouldn’t you be glad that your best friend is finally getting some action?" Or "Kieu My, aren’t you happy that your friend has finally found someone she likes after all this time?" And previously, on any other day, Kieu My would think that, she really thinks she would, but the moment Fatou and Yara’s lips touch, and their dancing slows down, spellbound by the deepening of a kiss, is the exact moment Kieu My comes to the horrific realisation that somehow, after all these years, she’s in love with her best friend. The overwhelming realization hits her like a wave on a cliff on a windy day and she tears her gaze from the storm with a force that gives her whiplash. On unruly legs she stands, forcing herself to walk away.

The rest of the night is spent on the toilet, with the content of her stomach continuously being flushed down. Kieu My can’t be sure if the overwhelming sickness comes from the booze or the smoking. Or from the realization that she’s in love with her best friend who will never reciprocate her feelings. Maybe its a combination of all three, she’ll never know. She’s not surprised when she wakes up in Fatou’s bed months later. On days when Kieu My drank more than her body could handle, Fatou would always be the first one to offer up her bed. This way Kieu My wouldn’t have to explain her drunken state to her parents. What surprised her more was the realization that she don’t remember anything that happened the day before. Except for an unfortunate image of herself throwing up in someone’s bush. Please she begged mentally, have Fatou not have seen any of that. 


Its not like Fatou hasn’t seen her like that before, a messed up state whereas a bear on the top of the Eiffel Tower would be more stable, no, she’s seen her worse than that. But somehow, it now felt even more humiliating. Kieu My wasn’t usually a party girl, or a girl that enjoys heavy drinking, but somewhere in the last few months that had changed. Every time she saw Fatou and Yara talking, or laughing, or just walking since by side, she’d get this irrational need to get away. And so she did, with the help of a few drinks. And as the headache creeped in, as it always did after one of those nights, she thought that would be the last time.


It seems that her feelings for her best friend wouldn’t go away anytime soon, and she will have to find some way to just let it go. Making out with countless guys at countless parties hadn’t seem to work, so she’ll need to try something else. Maybe she’ll pick up cooking as a new hobby, or maybe juggling.


As she sets her new plan for getting over Fatou, the girl herself comes though the door, a mug in each hand.
 “Coffee” she whispers, and Kieu My smiles, not for a second taking this moment for granted.

Chapter Text

Fatou had known she was in love with Kieu My ever since they first met. At first, before she really got to know her, Kieu My’s smile would be so few, secretive and small, and she would always be closed off to whoever talked to her. Getting to know her was hard at first, but when she was finally let in, she knew it was all worth it. Her smiles had turned big and radiant, no sun could even compare. Most importantly though, she would give you all she had, all she was, unapologetically.

This is why Fatou meant it was a privilege to know Kieu My well, to see sides of her no one else would. It’s also why she knew she could never tell Kieu My that she was in love with her.

-

Kieu My had been acting strange lately. Fatou couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment it started, but in the last few weeks she’s been really closed off somehow, and it worried her. She had begun to recycle the same excuses, school, work and her parents. And while Fatou believed her at first, she started to doubt her after an afternoon spent accompanying Kieu My’s parents, because Kieu My wasn’t dressed yet. She quickly found out that none of these things were an active issue. She was way ahead on her schoolwork, work was quiet, and her parents were supportive of her as always.
So, what was the problem?

“What are you daydreaming about now?”

Yara’s voice snapped her out of it. Fatou forgot she was there for a bit and now she felt guilty. They were laying on the ping pong table in the middle of the school yard, wasting away the free hour. She laughed and apologized for not giving Yara enough attention. Yara didn’t seem to mind though.

Fatou liked hanging with Yara and had grown close to her the last few weeks. She guessed their similar situations of unrequited love had made them close.

It all started on New Year’s Eve.

Fatou and Kieu My had been sitting on a sofa far away from the rest of the party. Kieu My had been laying in Fatou’s lap, rambling about space, and Fatou had fallen in love with her all over again. It was beginning to feel like a curse, really, her unrequited love. And then Kieu My had stopped talking and started to look around.

“Who do you think should have the honor of being my new year’s kiss?” She’d said it jokingly, but Fatou knew she was really looking. So, she made a big show of pretending to think. “What about…… Nora”

“She has a boyfriend, you know this, she’s your friend” she smiled her big smile, with teeth and everything. “Indeed, it was a test, my dear Kieu My.” She laughed, waiting for Fatou to find someone else.

“Ava?”

“Are you trying to set me up with your friend group? Who’s next? Mailin?” Fatou pretended to think about it before she answered, “no, I don’t think you would be a good match to be honest” she said innocently and Kieu My snorted.

“The guy from biology?”

“No”

“William,”

“no”

“Constanti-”

“hard pass.”

“oh, so the others aren’t a hard pass?”

“Shut up.”

“What about one of those folks who already graduated? Nora’s sisters’ friends? That dude in the grandpa sweater is kind of cute”

“too old”

Fatou lets out an exasperated sigh and throws her hands up in the air to symbolize that Kieu My is impossible. Kieu My just laughs. “God, I’m gonna end up alone” she throws herself onto Fatou’s lap again and Fatou’s hand automatically goes to play with her hair.

Hours later she had lost Kieu My and ends up walking around looking for her. It was almost midnight and she wanted Kieu My’s face to be the first one she saw in the new year. Pathetic, she knew. She found Yara instead.

“Hi, Yara, have you seen Kieu My?”

She had to look down at her, seeing that she’s crouching, trying to set fire to a rocket. She looked up at her when she spoke and smiled, her eyes red. Before Yara gets to answer, Fatou opens her mouth again,

“are you okay?”

The girl had clearly been crying. She brushed her off though,

“I’m fine. You know how it goes, you fall for someone, they fall for someone else, they spend the rest of their existence talking about them to your face until you have to excuse yourself to cry and then in an effort to let out all of your frustration you want to fire up a rocket to go up and away with your sorrow, but your lighter doesn’t work-” she sniffs “you know, the usual”.

Fatou didn’t know what to say, so she just stood there like an idiot. She did know. So she had offered the only type of support she could think of, “want a hug?” She opened her arms and Yara accepted immediately.

“So who’s the lucky person?” Fatou asked softly into her hair. Yara buried her face into Fatou’s neck.

“Ava”

Ahh, “Marc, huh?”

She nodded.

“I don’t like him either, to be honest” she’d said then, in an effort to brighten the mood.

“He fucking sucks”, Yara had mumbled back.

“You’ve talked to him?”

“Nope”

Fatou laughed and let go of the hug then, cupping Yara’s face instead. She stared to brush away Yara’s tears, and she didn’t plan on saying these words to anyone, let alone someone she barely knew.

“I’m in love with Kieu My” She said, almost deflating as the words left her mouth. She’d finally admitted it out loud. She still hadn’t looked away from Yara, and she could see as her face twisted into something close to confusion. Frankly, she was not expecting the response she got.

“You’re not dating?”

Yara gave her a puzzled look, and Fatou gave her one in return, “what? no.”

“Oh, I’m sorry”

They both just looked at each other for a while, the silence dragging out, until they both just burst out laughing.

“You wanna dance?” Fatou asked, and Yara said yes.

As they danced, waiting for the clock to strike twelve, Fatou felt free somehow, with her truth out in the universe. And Yara looked happy too as they both danced closer to each other, until they were inches apart. She looked up at Yara, and Yara looked down at her, their noses were brushing and Yara looked to the side before opening her mouth to speak,

“She’s looking at us”

Fatou knew who she was talking about, and she knew it was ridiculous, but some part of her wished for Kieu My to be jealous, wished for her to want her, just a little. She didn’t know what compelled her to do it, maybe she wanted Kieu My to see her with someone, or maybe she just wanted to confirm to herself what she already suspected, that Kieu My would never want her like she wanted her.

Well, for tonight, she could pretend.

She knew it was ridiculous, but she did it anyways, she closed the gap between their lips and focused of Yara, forcing Kieu My off her mind.

-

“Is it Kieu My again?” Yara asked, all knowing as always. Fatou just nodded. Yara sat up and gestured for Fatou to do the same. She looked at her with a serious look as they sat cross-legged across from each other.

“I think you should tell Kieu My how you feel.”

She said this with a straight face, and if Yara hadn’t looked so serious as she did, Fatou would’ve laughed.

“What makes you think that’s a good idea?”

“Because she’s totally in love with you, Fatou!” Fatou just looked at her with utter disbelief.

“No, okay, listen, she’s always looking for you, ALWAYS, and she’s always looking AT you, like,, like right now, she’s literally staring at you right now,”

Fatou turned and met with brown eyes. Well… she got one thing right. She smiled and waved before turning to Yara again.

“That proves nothing.”

“sure it doesn’t, well, she didn’t kiss anyone on new year’s eve so that must tell you something!” Yara looked at her with wide eyes.

“Because she got too drunk, I took her home after, she didn’t feel well”

Yara looked at her as if to say “aha!”, but Fatou just rolled her eyes, “that doesn’t prove anythi-”

“did she get drunk before or after we made out?”

That made her stop to think. Did she get drunk before or after they made out? Kieu My hadn’t been drinking much when they were together… but that didn’t prove anything, right? She really couldn’t afford to get her hopes up for this.

“let’s talk about something else…” she tried to dodge the subject, but Yara looked at her with a look that said that she got her.

Fatou tried to look back in time, she had noticed that Kieu My had been acting strange, but could it have started after NYE? After the kiss? Could she be jealous? No… and even if it did start after NYE, it didn’t guarantee that it was because of her and Yara.

But… what if that was the case?

Maybe… maybe she should try to talk to Kieu My about this after all.

Chapter Text

Realistically, Kieu My knew Fatou wasn’t interested in Yara, and she also knew that Yara wasn’t interested in Fatou. She knew this because Yara has pointedly told her so. The other week she had sat down next to her in biology and just… straight up told her so.

“I’m not into Fatou”

She didn’t understand why she’d said it, nor why it seemed so important to her that Kieu My understood it. She had found the situation strange, but she liked Yara, and while high on her crush she took the information with glee. They had later been paired up for a project and they seemed to make great partners.

Now, what she didn’t understand was why, while lying in bed with Fatou, with all this knowledge, listening to her talk about Yara made her stomach tighten. She had no right to this feeling of jealousy, she knew this, her brain knew this, so why couldn’t her heart understand this too?

Fatou had been talking about everything and anything for hours, with her head on Kieu My’s stomach while tracing circles on her exposed skin. For every word Fatou muttered, her warm breath would hit her bare skin, and this combined with every completed circle traced by her fingers was for now what was keeping her composed, calming her idiotic jealousy.

Kieu My found that it was these moments she treasured the most, just laying with Fatou, her hand in her fair, playing with her curls. It was also these moments that made her heart race extra fast, that made her throat dry, that made her shiver. Sometimes she would just close her eyes and drift off, pretending it was more than it actually was. Pretending that Fatou loved her too.

In her research of what to do when you’ve fallen in love with your best friend, she had learnt two things,
1. It could either be the best thing to ever happen to you, or
2. The worst thing to ever happen to you
Kieu My must admit it did nothing to reassure her of anything, so really, she had learnt nothing. For every story she read where the best friend happens to feel the same way, there was another story saying that not only didn’t they feel the same way, but the confession had ruined the friendship.

So, Kieu My switched tactics. She would not, under any circumstances tell Fatou about her feelings, ever. She would push them so far down that no living creature would be able to dig them up. Her energy would instead be put into finding out how to get over her crush. Because that had to be all it was, a stupid crush, it happens to the best of us. She’d just act the same as always, because no matter how great the price could be if she confessed, it did not, and would never make up for what she could lose.

She could not lose moments like these.

“Are you even paying attention?”

Fatou looked up at her with a worried look. Shit. Kieu My tried to replay the last few minutes but came up short. She grimaced and raised her hand from Fatou’s hair to rub her forehead. This seemed to happen a lot lately, zooning out to pity herself for her unrequited love. It really was starting to get pathetic. She sighed.

“I’m sorry Fatou, could you please start over?”

She didn’t. Instead of talking, Fatou raised herself from where she laid on Kieu My to lay right beside her on the pillow instead, now face to face, few inches apart. Kieu My’s breath hitched.

See, the thing is, Fatou is beautiful, like stunningly so, and up close like this she could see every single detail of her face; her long lashes and her perfect eyebrows, her little scar and her perfectly placed beauty marks. She couldn’t even look her in the eyes right now, scared that Fatou would see the truth written in hers.

Fatou carefully pushed some hair out of Kieu My’s face, and Kieu My had to remind herself that this was a friend thing. A thing friends did. This is platonic. 100%. Yup. The thing that made it even worse for Kieu My was the fact that it didn’t feel platonic, like at all, and she hated herself for thinking so. Stop reflecting she thought.

Fatou’s hand found its place at the crook of her neck. Kieu My tried her hardest not to shudder.

“What’s going on with you, Kieu My?”

She exhaled and closed her eyes. God, Fatou had noticed, of course she had noticed. She tried to find a reasonable explanation but came up with nothing. What could she say to ease her mind?

“What do you mean?”

Playing dumb never works, but right now she’s just stumbling, trying to find a way out of this conversation.

“You’ve been so distant lately, I miss you, you know. I don’t feel like you talk to me anymore. Did something happen? Was it something I did?-” before she could continue Kieu My cut her off,

“no!” it was almost a shout, but Kieu My wouldn’t let Fatou think she’d done anything wrong.

“God, I’m sorry, Fatou. It’s nothing you did, I just… something happened, and I don’t quite know how to handle it yet.”

That was about as vague as she could be, and still she feared it was too much. She could see that it did nothing to ease Fatou, whose eyes were still pleading with her. She was waiting for her to continue, but she didn’t know if she could.

Minutes went by, the silence was killing her, but she didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t even look at Fatou. It was hot. Kieu My felt hot and it was way too silent, and she was so so so close to Fatou and she didn’t feel like she could breathe any longer. How could she continue to hide this from Fatou? She would find out and no longer want anything to do with her, she would never reciprocate her feelings-

Fatou cupped her face and broke the silence,

“breathe, Kieu My. Just breathe, ok? It’ll be alright, I promise.”

Kieu My looked at her then, focusing on her scar as she tried to breathe normally again, slowly, in and out, in and out.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? I would never judge you for anything.”

She knew that. Of course she knew that. Which made this worse. Fatou was the only person in her life that would continuously stand up for her and be there for her when she needed it, she would never judge her, never look at her badly. She couldn’t lose her, she just couldn’t. Kieu My was getting tired.

“Could you… could you just hold me for a minute?”

Fatou didn’t answer, she just took her into her arms and held her tight, as tight as she could, just as she knew she liked it.

They laid like that for a while, Kieu My couldn’t tell how long, it could’ve been hours, it would’ve been bare minutes. None of them were talking, but it was a pleasant silence. Fatou’s hold on her never loosened and Kieu My was once again grateful for having her in her life.

Kieu My’s face was pressed against Fatou’s neck, so she had to turn her face to speak.

“What were you talking about before? You mentioned Yara right?” She tried to not sound too sorry for herself.

She waited for Fatou’s response, it took a while for her to answer, so Kieu My almost thought she’d fallen asleep. Fatou held her closer though, which told her she wasn’t. She must be calculating her response, this made her worry, maybe she was about to spill her undying love for Yara.

“well, me and Yara were talking the other day… about crushes and stuff”

Oh wow here we go. Kieu My’s blood ran cold, and she stiffened. Fatou sounded nervous, and Kieu My knew what she was going to say. What she didn’t know however, was why she didn’t see this coming. Yara had told her she wasn’t interested in Fatou, but that was last week, she could’ve changed her mind. Like, who wouldn’t be interested in Fatou? Kieu My didn’t want her to continue, but still she prompted her on, because that’s what friends do.

“So we, uh, talked about New Years-”

God don’t remind me. Images of Fatou and Yara dancing close and making out would forever have a special place in her mind.

“-and Yara was talking about how I should, well, talk about my feelings… with, well, you…”

Honestly, this was just cruel on Yara’s part. Kieu My could feel her eyes start to water, but she had enough practice in hiding her emotions so she didn’t worry about Fatou realizing. Yara must’ve recognized that Kieu My was in love with Fatou and told her so. Was that why she had told her she wasn’t into Fatou? As a test to see how she’d react? And she’d just blissfully went along with it.

It honestly surprised her; she really didn’t think Fatou had feelings for Yara. She had once again been seeing only what she wanted to see. So, this was going to be Fatou letting her down gently. She couldn’t believe she’d spent all this time burying her feelings only to be rejected anyways.

“I get it” Kieu My muttered before Fatou could finish.

Fatou loosened her grip on Kieu My and faced her with a surprised expression. Fatou’s hand went to brush hair out of Kieu My’s face, but still Kieu My wouldn’t dare to look her in the eyes.

“You do?”

She sounded so hopeful and vulnerable, and Kieu My really wished that she could be happy for her. But since she couldn’t, she lied.

“I’m really happy for you two, I saw you on New Year’s, you know”

Fatou’s whole face changed, and Kieu My worried that she hadn’t sounded sincere enough. She didn’t want to drag this out any longer, so she hugged her friend before she could talk, and kissed her forehead, telling her that she deserved this, and that she wanted her to be happy. Then she got up from the bed, claiming she had a headache. Then when she went out the door and Fatou followed, she told her she just needed to sleep it off. Then she walked home, silently crying the whole way.

Chapter Text

Fatou had absolutely no idea what just happened. None. Zero. Nada.

She was left standing in her hallway, confused as to what just happened, what to do, and most importantly, how the hell she ended up in a romantic relationship with Yara.
She couldn’t follow Kieu My out the door, she was frozen. She should’ve followed her out the door. Instead, she just stood there for a minute, willing for her friend to come back, to let her try to confess her love one last time.

Minutes went by, but she didn’t move an inch. Not before the handle on the door moved and the door opened. That’s when she sprung to action, quickly moving closer to door,

“Kieu My-”

It wasn’t Kieu My. It was Ilai.

“Ow” he backed away from her while carrying multiple grocery bags.

“Expecting Kieu My? I thought she was already here?”

After just looking at him in disbelief, she took some bags from him, leaving him standing the doorway and moved towards the kitchen to unload the groceries. At least that’s one way to get her mind off things. Ilai took a notice of her silence and followed her close behind.

“Hey, are you okay? Did something happen?”

Fatou ignored him and continued to load the fridge. Ilai just stood behind her in silence, waiting for her to speak. She didn’t. She knew she wasn’t being fair, but right now she didn’t care. Fuck being fair. Kieu My wasn’t being fair to her when she raced out of her house in the middle of her trying to open up.

Tears started to fill her eyes, and for a moment she felt irrationally angry. Why wouldn’t Kieu My let her finish? She had finally decided to tell her, why wouldn’t she just let her tell her?

“What? Did you reveal your undying love for Kieu My and get rejected?” he laughed teasingly, but Fatou dropped a jar of pickles to the floor.

“FUCK” she exclaimed as she fell to the floor with it.

She could feel the tears overflowing and start to run down her face as she raised a hand to wipe them off. Uncontrollable sobs escaped her, and she wanted to laugh. This was pathetic. She couldn’t even hold a glass jar. She was a mess. She couldn’t do anything right. This is why Kieu My left. She knew Fatou was about to confess and tried to let her down gently the only way she could think of, by leaving. Of course Kieu My wouldn’t want her. Where did all of her confidence even come from? She couldn’t believe that for a second, just a second, she actually thought Kieu My had understood, and that she had felt the same way, but then she pushed her into a fake relationship with Yara and ran out.

Could they even come back from this? Not once had Fatou thought about what would happen if Kieu My didn’t feel the same way, and now she had to live with the consequences. How did she even think this would go? Did she really believe that Kieu My would reveal that somehow, she loved her too? She felt so stupid.

“Shit, I’m sorry” she let out as Ilai asked if she was okay. She could feel his arms going around her as he cradled her while she cried.

“What’s going on?” he asked, more serious now that he’d finally read the room.

“I tried to confess my undying love for Kieu My and got rejected” she said in what was supposed to be a mocking tone, but instead sounded pitiful. She tried to laugh at the situation, but the sobs wouldn’t stop.

“Oh honey.”

-

Fatou spent the next day looking for Kieu My while at the same time trying to avoid her. The embarrassment from the day before was still consuming her. She wouldn’t know what to say even if she saw her, but she knew she had to apologize. She hadn’t slept all night, she looked like a mess and felt even worse. She realized that it had been unfair of her to spring all of this on Kieu My when she knew she had something else going on. The anger that consumed her last night had all evaporated. Ilai had calmed her down and she’d realized that she wasn’t at all mad at Kieu My, she was mad at herself.

Instead of Kieu My, she spotted Yara waving at her from the ping pong table. Fatou looked around one last time before walking over to her. She didn’t bother to greet her friend, instead she just laid down on the ping pong table and shielded her face from the sun with her arm.

“What’s got you in a mood?” Yara asked as she laid down beside her.

“We’re dating”

“what.”

Silence.

“Babe, not that I don’t think you’re an absolute catch, but Ava just broke up with Marc and I’m living with a false hope that she’ll realize that he was trash all along and that her relationship with him was just a way for her to unconsciously get over the fierily love she has for me.”

Fatou blinked at Yara’s playful expression before she sat up.

“I talked to Kieu My last night.”

Yara’s eyes widened, “oh my god, did you finally tell her? why didn’t you start with that? How did it go?” she talked so fast, Fatou didn’t even have a chance to get a word in. Yara looked so excited it broke her heart. She really believed it would go well.
However, her excitement disappeared when she saw the look on Fatou’s face

“Fatou, please tell me that you didn’t chicken out and instead decided to tell her we’re dating? I’m a shitty actor.”

Fatou laughed at this, and Yara grinned, then she took Fatou’s hands in hers and kissed them as a sign of support.

“No, really. What happened?”

She sighed, “ugh, I don’t know, I thought we were having a moment, I thought it was the right moment, you know? So I told her I wanted to talk about my feeling regarding her and then she just closed off. Her whole expression changed, and she just started talking about how happy she was for me, for us, US, as in ME and YOU…”

Yara looked at her funny as Fatou continued,

“I don’t even know where that came from? I… I think she tried to let me down easy or something? But… she didn’t even give me a change to tell her the truth! She just left right after.” She took a deep beath before continuing, “and now I feel horrible, because I just sprung it on her even though I knew she had something else going on… she didn’t need this right now, I should’ve realized that.”

She talked so fast; she wasn’t sure if Yara even knew what she was saying. She looked around again for Kieu My while Yara jumped down from the ping pong table to stand between Fatou’s legs, sighing as she moved closer and cupped her face. Fatou didn’t move, she took comfort in Yara’s close proximity, and she knew Yara didn’t feel for her like that, just like she didn’t feel that way for her. She smiled at her, and Fatou tried to smile back as she spoke,

“she said she saw us on New Year’s and ‘knew’ since then.”

Yara didn’t say anything for a while, but when she did, it was clear she was done, “lord help me y’all are so clueless”

She now moved to put her hands around Fatou’s neck and hugged her close.

“Fatou, you should find her and tell her that you’re in love with her, I’m sure yesterday was just a huge misunderstanding, if you thought Kieu My were dating someone else, would you still confess your feelings for her?”

Fatou sighed. “The universe hates me”.

“The universe doesn’t hate you, it’s not its fault you and Kieu My can’t get your shit together” Yara laughed and let go off the hug to look Fatou in the eyes as she spoke, “and you’re not in the wrong for wanting to share your feeling with your best friend, so stop feeling bad about it.”

“What if this isn’t a good idea? I don’t want to add to her problems... I don’t want to become a problem.”

Yara moves away from her and throws her hands up in the air,

“Please! I literally thought you were dating the second I saw you! You’re always hanging out, always holding hands or leaning on each other or literally doing anything to touch each other, Fatou, honestly, you cannot tell me that you think Kieu My isn’t into you, she ran out because she’s sad because she THINKS you don’t like her back! Her eyes turn into literal hearts just looking at you!”

She slowed down,

“try one last time, Fatou, okay? She’s worth that, isn’t she?”

-

Kieu My didn’t show up at school that day. Or the next one. Fatou had tried to call her and message her multiple times the last few days to no avail. So… she did what any creep would do. She showed up at her place.

Not without warning though, Kieu My knew she was coming. She hoped. She’d sent a message what went unanswered and possibly unseen, but she did tell her. This didn’t make her less nervous. Kieu My would expect this, right? No one has heard from her in days, she’d texted both Zoe and Ismail, and they said they hadn’t heard from her either.
She must know that someone was bound to check up on her. That she would check up on her. Fatou was really starting to worry, so before she could overthink it some more, she rang the doorbell.

It took a while before anyone answered, and Fatou would be lying if she said she didn’t almost run away in that time,

“yes?” uhm well, it’s still time.

Kieu My’s voice sounded muffled over the comms, and Fatou could hear that she was tired, maybe this was a bad idea-

“who is this?”

Well, it’s now or never.

“It’s me, can we talk?”

It went quiet again, and Fatou was getting unsure of whether Kieu My would decide to let her in or not. She jumped when the buzzer rang, symbolizing that the door was open.
Despite everything, she didn’t hesitate before going inside.

She tried not to run up the stairs, but when she reached the right floor her breath was uneven. Taking a moment to herself, she tried to hype herself up. She could do this. She just needed to say the words, and to let Kieu My know. It would be fine if she didn’t feel the same way. She just wanted her to be okay and to know the truth. It’s fine that she doesn’t feel the same way. You’ll still be friends; she’ll still care about you-

The door to her apartment opened and there she was.

Kieu My was wearing baggy sweatpants and a neon green tank top. Her hair was tied up in a bun and she looked breathtaking as always. Fatou tried to smile at her as she slowly walked into the apartment, closing the door behind her. She didn’t take her shoes off, not sure if she would be kicked out or not.

They stood face to face now.

Fatou had been right. Kieu My was tired, the bags under her eyes were proof of that. She hugged herself, shivering. It wasn’t cold, so it made Fatou wonder if maybe she really was sick, and that’s why she’d been staying home. Fatou tried to ask if she was okay, but were cut off by Kieu My’s low voice,

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see if you’re okay”

“I’m fine.”

This was going great. Fatou started to fumble with a pack of gum she had in her pocket, working out her nerves.

“Do you maybe want to sit down?”

“We can do this here” her back straightened, and instead of cradling herself, she now crossed her arms. Putting up a front.

“What do you want, Fatou?”

Right to it then. “I want to talk to you about the other day”

“What’s there to talk about” she didn’t phrase this as a question, more like a there’s absolutely nothing to talk about, please stop talking. Fatou didn’t stop talking though.

“Kieu My, you practically ran out on me”

“I didn’t feel well”

“I realize that, but why haven’t you been answering any of my messages or calls? I’ve been worried about you, and I really need to tell you something-”

“GOD, Fatou! I don’t have to talk to you all the time! Can’t you take a hint? I didn’t want to talk to you! I don’t want to talk to you! I need some space, okay!? I NEED to be alone. Go talk to your girlfriend or something…”

Kieu My sounded so distressed, it shocked Fatou into a silence while she took in her outburst. While her words hurt, Fatou could see that Kieu My was tearing up, and with that her worry only grew.

“Kieu My, what’s going on with you? Did something happen?”

Tears started to roll down Kieu My’s face as she started to laugh and continued to laugh until it turned almost manic.

“Please just talk to me” Fatou moved closer to Kieu My and took her hand in hers. Kieu My snatched it back.

Fatou looked up at her. Her expression had turned cold. Fatou knew that look. She had never been on the receiving end of it, but she’d always pitied those who were. The tears continued to fall down, but Kieu My acted like they weren’t even there. She took a step back.

“You’re not my mom, Fatou, just leave it. I don’t need you hovering over me all the time, it’s exhausting, okay?-”

“Kieu My-”

“No, you listen, okay? I don’t want to talk about the other day, I don’t want to talk about your feelings and I ESPECIALLY don’t want to talk about your girlfriend! I’m tired, Fatou, I’m TIRED, okay? Leave. Just leave.”

Fatou was silent. She couldn’t even feel the tears running down her face. Kieu My sounded so angry, and while Fatou still worried for her, it also made her mad. What right did Kieu My have to be mad? Why did she suddenly think that pushing her away was fine? They’d been friends for forever, and now she just wants to cut her off? And for what? She didn’t do anything! or she didn’t know if she had done anything, because Kieu My wouldn’t talk to her!

Yeah, she was getting angry. Fuck this.

“You know what? I will leave. I can tell that you’re not in the mood for civil conversation, so I won’t make you talk to me.”

Kieu My looked relieved, but she wasn’t done.

“But I will make you listen to me. This is not a one-sided friendship, Kieu My, I’ve been trying to talk to you about my feelings twice now and both times you’ve cut me off. I don’t know if it’s because you don’t care about me or if you’re just trying to avoid an awkward situation, but I don’t think either of those reasons make up for you talking to me like this.”

Fatou looked at Kieu My as the hold she had on herself tightened, trying to hide her shame. She still looked at Fatou with a stone-cold expression, but the eyes did not match the rest of her face. She wasn’t going to apologize now, but she would. Fatou knew that. They were both silent as Fatou turned to walk out of the apartment.

“And for the record, I’m not with Yara, I never was with Yara. No matter how much you want me to be with her I never will, I only made out with her on New Year’s to make you jealous, which obviously was a ridiculous idea in the first place, because I know you’ll never feel for me the way I feel for you, and that’s okay, but I just wish that you would just tell me that instead of ignoring me and pushing me away and making me feel like absolute shit!”

She didn’t look at Kieu My once as she talked, she was too scared to.

And then she left, not looking back.

Chapter Text

“GOD, Fatou! I don’t have to talk to you all the time! Can’t you take a hint? I didn’t want to talk to you! I don’t want to talk to you! I need some space, okay!? I NEED to be alone. Go talk to your girlfriend or something…”

It pained Kieu My to say these words, but if she didn’t push Fatou away now she wasn’t sure when she could. The thought of pushing Fatou away never appealed to her before, not when she made out with Yara, not when she told her about her feelings for Yara – not once did she think of pushing Fatou away. She needed her in her life, she knew that. Even though they would never be romantically involved, Kieu My knew she needed Fatou as a friend. She meant too much to her.

But now, in this moment, Kieu My wanted to get away from Fatou, needed to get away. She didn’t want to talk to her, she didn’t want to hear her out, she just wanted to be left alone to push down her feelings until she was ready to put up a front again. Fatou could always read her though.

“Kieu My, what’s going on with you? Did something happen?”

The rest of the fight was a blur to her, but she wasn’t ignorant to what she had said. Her intention was never to be cruel, but she was way too familiar with the shield it provided her. She wanted to stop, she could see how her words impacted Fatou, even though she tried to hide it.

“You know what? I will leave.”

She knew she shouldn’t have felt peace at these words, but she couldn’t take it anymore.
Kieu My’s self-hatred only grew the more she talked, so when she finally succeeded, when Fatou finally decided she wasn’t worth it, she relaxed. She wanted out of this fight as soon as possible.

“But I will make you listen to me-” then Fatou had continued talking, and it got even worse. She’d called her out for not listening to her, for talking shit, and this she understood. She was rightfully called out. But then it got weirder, she started rambling about Kieu My not listening to her talk about her feelings, which she did. That’s exactly how she’d ended up like this in the first place. Okay fine, today she had cut her off, but could you blame her?

“I don’t know if it’s because you don’t care about me or if you’re just trying to avoid an awkward situation”

This felt like a punch to the gut, she never wanted Fatou to believe that she didn’t care about her, but this was unfair. Her not wanting to hear Fatou ramble about Yara a second time did not correlate to her not caring about Fatou. Her not wanting Fatou to break her heart did not correlate to her not caring about Fatou.

“An awkward situation” she’s really trying to rub it in, huh?
“An awkward situation” … that’s where Fatou was wrong, it wouldn’t lead to an awkward situation. Hearing Fatou reject her would lead to a devastating situation, a situation Kieu My wasn’t ready for. Even with all she knew now, hearing the words come out of Fatou’s mouth would break her heart even more.

But then she said something crazy. Something that completely caught her off guard.

“And for the record, I’m not with Yara, I never was with Yara. No matter how much you want me to be with her I never will, I only made out with her on New Year’s to make you jealous, which obviously was a ridiculous idea in the first place, because I know you’ll never feel for me the way I feel for you, and that’s okay, but I just wish that you would just tell me that instead of ignoring me and pushing me away and making me feel like absolute shit!”

And then Fatou had left, not once looking back to see Kieu My’s jaw on the floor.

Which brings us to now.

Kieu My were frozen in her place. What did she just say? Her brain couldn’t even comprehend the words that had come out of Fatou’s mouth. She kept trying to play the words back in her mind.

“I only made out with her on New Year’s to make you jealous”

“To make you jealous”

“You”

What? That couldn’t be right, Kieu My must’ve misunderstood. Hope and desperation filled her, hope for the possibility that maybe Fatou loved her too, desperation for it to be the case. She swayed a little, suddenly dizzy. She thought back to all the times Fatou had tried to talk to her about her feelings. When they laid in bed, and Fatou said she’d “talked to Yara about crushes” Kieu My had just brushed her off after that, thinking she’d tell her about her crush on Yara. God, what did she say after?

“Yara was talking about how I should, well, talk about my feelings… with, well, you…”

Fatou weren’t about to reject her at all. She had to sit down.

All this time, Kieu My had been so sure that Fatou wanted to talk about her stupid crush on her, to tell her it would never happen, to cut her off. But in the end, it had been Fatou trying to confess her feelings, and Kieu My blowing her off, again and again. How insecure had she been? How could she not have seen this?

She had been so awful to Fatou just minutes before. Did she really have a right to run after her now?

Fuck. She didn’t care. She needed the truth. She needed Fatou to tell her the truth.

She ran down the stairs of her apartment building and right out the door without putting on shoes or a jacket. Fatou couldn’t have gone far. She looked around frantically as she got outside, but it was hard to see through the pouring rain. Of course it was raining, it was just her luck. She was running in only socks, trying to find her love.

Kieu My started to curse herself as she ran in the rain towards Fatou’s place. How had she gotten this far? It wasn’t before minutes later she realized why when she spotted her in the far distance, of course; the girl was skating. Kieu My ran faster, until she was within shouting distance.

“What the hell did you say?”

Fatou quickly stopped her board, almost tumbling off it. She turned around, confused. Kieu My slowed her run and instead started walking towards her.

“Did you just say that you’re in love with me?”

Her voice was shaking, she wasn’t sure if it was from the cold rain or her nerves. Fatou barely looked at her.

“Kieu My, you’re barely dressed. Go back home.”

She took long, quick steps closer, they now stood less than a meter apart. She could see that Fatou had been crying – no – is crying. Her stomach clenched. She’d been crying because of her. She had half a thought to wipe her tears away, but she was too scared to touch the girl. She continued on,

“what did you say, Fatou? Are you in love with me?”

Fatou looked pained. She looked like she wanted to be anywhere but here, but Kieu My could see the moment Fatou decided to face the music. Her chin rose, and she looked Kieu My straight in the eyes with a put-on stern expression as she said,

“as if you didn’t know that already”.

And there it was. Fatou really thought Kieu My had been blowing her off because of her feelings for her. Because of her feelings for her. Fatou had feelings for her. Romantic ones. For a second, Kieu My was awestruck. She didn’t know what to say. Fatou was in love with her. Her. Not Yara, but her. For once she let her tears fall.

“I didn’t”

Fatou brushed it off. Kieu My could see she was bothered, but she put on a act. Just like Kieu My had done mere minutes before.

“Well, now you know. And what difference does it make? You were clearly happy to have me out of your hair.”

Kieu My was drenched. Unlike Fatou, she didn’t have a raincoat to shield her. She just stood there looking at the love of her life in a singlet and some sweatpants, while the rain tried it’s best to drown her. She hugged herself.

“Since when?”

Despite her best effort, her voice cracked, and she could see Fatou starting to worry about her.

“Why does it matter?” She let go of the stern act, and now she just sounded defeated. Kieu My went soft.

“Since when, Fatou?”

She moved closer to her, almost closing the gap. Fatou looked at her like she was a question and an answer all the same.

“Since we were eight and you punched Constantin for making fun of my hair.”

The answer was instant, she didn’t even have to think about it. Kieu My’s heart warmed, and she couldn’t help but smile. Fatou had been in love with her since they were children.
All this time…

“You’ve been in love with me all this time?”

Something came over Fatou, and her stern expression was back. She backed away from Kieu My.

“What do you want Kieu My? Do you want to humiliate me or something? Done. Now leave me alone.”

She threw down her board, but before she could hop on it Kieu My took her hand and yanked her back. She didn’t let go. Her hand was warm in comparison to Kieu My’s and although Fatou tried to get her hand back, Kieu My didn’t let go. She closed the distance before Fatou could even open her mouth. Her hands cupped Fatou’s face. Fatou looked up at her, expression filled with confusion.

This was it.

This was the moment Kieu My had been waiting for. There’s no turning back now, and for once, Kieu My found that she didn’t want to go back either.

“I’m in love with you too”

The words came out a whisper, but she could see Fatou registering them all the same. She looked to her lips, and then back to her eyes, her beautiful eyes. Fatou didn’t move, so Kieu My moved for her. Slowly, she nudged Fatou’s nose with hers, giving her an opportunity to push her away. She didn’t. Before Kieu My got a chance to close the distance entirely, Fatou wrapped an arm around her neck and tip toed to meet her lips.

They weren’t in sync at first.

While Fatou clung to Kieu My with all she had, kissing her like she might disappear at any time, Kieu My held Fatou’s face gently, afraid to be pushed away, and kissed her like she had all the time in the world. Because she had. And in the end, Fatou realized that too.

-

Hours later, they were lying in Kieu My’s bed, finally dry after the pouring rain. Fatou was wearing clothes borrowed from her girlfriend, and Kieu My was just taking it all in. Their legs were tangled and Fatou held her close as she kissed every inch of her face. The position was familiar, she’d lain in bed with Fatou multiple times, cuddling, but now she got to kiss her, to touch her places she couldn’t before, to openly love her. She didn’t know she could feel so happy and so… free. The smile never left her face.

Fatou continued kissing her, now wandering down her neck. She untangled her legs from Kieu My so she could reposition herself to sit on top of her, each leg on a different side of her body, hands positioned on her stomach, trapping her.

“When did you know you were in love with me?” Fatou asked softly, with so much love in her voice, in her beautiful voice, and a twinkle in her eye. The extra weight on top of her relaxed her, grounded her in a way, and she’d never felt more at peace. She placed one hand on Fatou’s thigh as she said, “remember New Year’s?” and Fatou gasped, taking ahold of her hand.

“No!”

Kieu My grinned and nodded. Fatou groaned as she bent down to nuzzle her neck.

“God that was such a mess– Yara have been telling me I’m an idiot every day since then” Fatou admits into her neck, and Kieu My can’t help but giggle. She starts playing with her hair.

“As she should,” she jokes.

Fatou looks at her with a fake firm expression “hey, you should respect your girlfriend”

“oh, is that what we are?” Kieu My grins, cupping Fatou’s face as to kiss her for the hundredth time.

“Kieu My, if this is not us being girlfriends I’m leaving and never talking to you again.”

“I will not be threatened and bullied into silence” Fatou grins too then and leans down to kiss her softly. Kieu My asks for her to lay on top of her, and she does. They’re silent for a while, just appreciating the moment. The little moments.

“I’m sorry Fatou” Kieu My puts her arms around her girlfriends’ neck, keeping her in place while she caresses her arm, “for what?”

“For pushing you away, I never thought… I never thought you’d want me like this” she admits with a lump in her throat, glad they’re not face to face as speaks. She further tangles her fingers gently into Fatou’s hair, keeping her down, not letting her look at her.

Fatou stops caressing her arm and is silent for a second. She removes Kieu My’s hand from her hair and instead entangle their fingers as she looks up at her, all smiles.

“You could never push me away, Kieu My”