Chapter Text
The stack of paperwork sits on the coffee table in his living room, its presence glaring. Kakashi stares at it as he comes and goes from his missions. Each form has already been tediously filled out. All he needs is the last signatures- his and Lady Hokage's- and his fate will be sealed. Though why Kakashi has left them sitting there for a week, he doesn't know. It should be simple enough, he supposes. Simply pick up a pen and sign away his autonomy and individuality, just as he had done back when he'd first joined. Though back then he had been with Minato-sensei, and his had been the last signature that signified the start of Kakashi's long years in the ANBU. He forces his thoughts away from the subject of Minato-sensei. It was too early in the night to start mulling over all of his life's failures; he would have plenty of time for that later.
With not much else in the room to look at, Kakashi can't help but stare at the forms. Really, he should probably try to make his living space more lively. At least that's what Sakura had said the last time Team 7 made an impromptu visit to his apartment to beg him to train.
"Sensei, you seriously only have a couch and a coffee table? Really, what sane person has not even one decoration in their home?"
"Who ever said I was sane?" he had replied, voice dripping with sarcasm and boredom.
Kakashi had promptly kicked his team out after they began asking entirely too many questions and promised to meet them at the training grounds in an hour. Kakashi had ended up being late, naturally, earning him a dramatic scolding from Naruto and an indignant grunt from Sasuke. Still, they had managed to have a successful training session that ended in their teamwork being strengthened somewhat. Afterward, Naruto had pestered him relentlessly to take the team out for ramen, to which Kakashi had agreed to just to get the kid to stop talking.
Kakashi isn't sure why he's thinking of that day at this moment. The memory fills him with a sort of melancholy feeling, though he's not sure why. It's a happy enough memory. But now his thoughts are pulled to Team 7. They hadn't trained together in- 6 months? 7? It's been quieter lately. His life is devoid of all spontaneity, just like the old days. He is delightfully bored all of the time. Sometimes, though, he can't help but smile a little when he thinks of his team and the trouble they would get into. And man, if there was anything that team knew how to do, it was to find themselves in messes that gave Kakashi a headache whenever he had to pull them out of them.
His thoughts are interrupted by a knock at his door. It's loud and insistent, and Kakashi instantly knows that it can only be one man. Subtly has never been his forte.
Kakashi thinks for a second about escaping through his open window, but he knows Gai has already sensed his presence in the apartment. Besides, kakashi has never been good at avoiding him for long. Eventually this conversation would happen. He let out a sigh in anticipation. He had a feeling he would be sighing a lot over the next few minutes.
Even before opening the door Kakashi can sense it, this shift in Gai. It's an unsettling feeling whenever he sees Gai like this, even if it was extremely rare. Gai rarely ever got mad, at least openly. Kakashi could have a problem on his hands if he didn't find some way to calm him down. He braces himself and opens the door, shooting Gai his best bored look and adding in a two finger salute for good measure. "Yo."
Gai says nothing, simply walks past Kakashi and into the living room, stopping in front of the coffee table once he notices the stack of papers. Not a good sign. His hands are balled into fists, and there is a hard set to his jaw. Gai's anger is red hot, and Kakashi can see the strain it takes for him to keep it from boiling over the surface. But Gai has always been good at constraining his emotions, at choosing what to show and when to show it. Kakashi knows Gai won't really blow up on him. At least, he thinks he won't.
When he speaks, his voice is low and tense. "The ANBU? Really, Kakashi, are we back to this?"
Kakashi sighs and shuts the door. He goes to stand on the other side of the table, not wanting to be too close to Gai in case he got extra mad and accidentally opened one of the eight gates or something. Not that that was a plausible possibility, but Kakashi was never one to leave things to chance. He keeps his demeanor cool, hands in his pockets and carefully controlled expression on his face. "I was hoping you wouldn't find out so soon. It's really not a big deal, Gai."
Gai only stares at him as if he's trying to pull the thoughts from kakashi's mind, as if he doesn't really believe him. There is an intensity in his gaze that makes Kakashi want to bolt. Gai's facial features have always been so sharp and defined. The glare he's shooting Kakashi is all furrowed brows, deep frown, and clenched jaw. His eyes are the worst part because the anger doesn't even translate there. Instead, Gai's eyes carry a deep sadness in them. "You're serious, then?"
Kakashi finds it hard to meet his eyes. He can't bear to see that look in them, aimed at him. It makes something in his stomach twist.
Gai's voice has risen with his anger. "Kakashi! How could you even think about going back? The ANBU is no place for you! You're not a tool and you're not a weapon. You're more than this."
Kakashi scoffs at that. Since he was five years old, when has he ever been anything more than a tool that carries out the will of the village?
"You are so much more." Gai's voice is insistent and almost pleading. His eyes are intense and searching, but Kakashi fights the urge to look away again. He will stand his ground.
"I spent ten years in the ANBU, Gai. What's a few more?"
"You spent ten years in misery, in darkness, Kakashi. Is that what you want? To go back to that?"
"Maybe it is," Kakashi challenges.
Gai was never one to back down. "I don't believe that. Have you ever even stopped to think about it, Kakashi? What is it that you want?"
Want? There was a host of things Kakashi wanted, none of it tangible or attainable. None of it realistic. No, there was no such thing as wants to a broken man whose heart could only be healed by people and things that were long gone. Kakashi didn't know the meaning of that word.
Suddenly Kakashi is bitter, tone harsh now. What gave Gai the right to worry about what he did in his career? "What I want has never really mattered, has it? The fact of the matter is there's an opening in the ANBU. I was a captain once. I was pretty good at it. I'm available now. That's all there really is to it. Frankly, it's none of your business."
"None of my business? Kakashi, you're my-"
"Don't," Kakashi warns. He won't have Gai use this against him, this petty competition they've had between them all these years. It is nothing more than child's play. It doesn't give Gai the right to pry into Kakashi's every thoughts.
Gai, stubborn as ever, crosses his arms and says the word anyway. "I'm your rival. That means something, does it not? Kakashi." There is something fragile in his voice as he asks the question.
It means everything.
That's what the small voice in the back of Kakashi's mind wants him to answer. But it's drowned out by a venomous one that Kakashi has never been proud of, the voice that he's succumbed to most often in his life; the one that tells him that it's these harsh words that keep his loved ones safe, that block them from getting too close to him. It's this voice that wants him to bite back, It doesn't, if only to end this conversation right here. But something in his heart won't let him. He imagines the look of hurt that would flash across Gai's face. As a child, Kakashi would have said it without a second thought to keep the distance between them. But something in him has grown since then. No, he won't do that to Gai no matter how frustrated he is right now.
Silence fills the space between them. There is a tightness in the air that only builds as the seconds drag on. They are both utterly still. The forms lie between them as if they were paper bombs, delicate little things that could fall to the ground and disintegrate the link between them at a moments notice. He chooses his next words carefully. "I am not your responsibility, Gai."
He sees a struggle on Gai's face for a bit before he answers. "Maybe that is true, but what about your responsibility to yourself, to your students? You're a teacher!" Kakashi suppresses a bitter laugh at that.
"A teacher with no students left," he says simply.
"Naruto won't be gone forever. And Sasuke, you'll get him back. Sakura is still in the village-"
"-Training under Lady Hokage," Kakashi finishes. "Naruto will continue to grow as he trains under Master Jiraiya. Sasuke has gone to Orochimaru. They don't need me anymore. Lot of good me being their sensei ever did them anyway."
"How can you-" Gai is looking at him incredulously, shaking his head. "So that's it, huh?"
Silence fills the room again. They are at an impasse. Gai seems to deflate in front of him. He has never been able to stay mad for too long, especially at Kakashi. Sadness seems to fill the rest of his body and take the place of anger.
When Kakashi doesn't answer, Gai moves carefully around the table and closer to him.
"It's your choice, Rival." Gai stands only a few inches away. Kakashi finds himself wanting to reach out and trace the curve of his cheekbone. "I wish you could see what I see." Gai's smile is fond, with a tinge of sadness in it. It makes something in Kakashi's chest hurt. What did he see when he looked at Kakashi? What did he see that could possibly make him work this hard to save him from himself, time and time again? He desperately wants to ask this question.
"I know that you miss them, Kakashi."
"Miss them? That's not what this is about."
"It's okay to let yourself feel things. Even the bad feelings, we need them to help us grow. They make us stronger inside. Your students will come back eventually. Until then, you will always have memories. You will always be Team 7." His tone is light. Kakashi is not used to this levelness in Gai, this composure.
Gai's hand comes up to grip his shoulder. "I won't try to persuade you anymore. You've always been so stubborn." Now his eyes held the beginning of tears. Kakashi finds it impossible to look away from that gaze. It traps Kakashi in and forces him to bare witness to the pain in them.
There is a conflict on his face before he says the next part. His expression somehow looks even more pained. "Kakashi, if you choose ANBU, I'm not sure if I can-" his words trail off, but Kakashi hears the words Gai couldn't say. I'm not sure if I can still be here.
"I'm not sure I can watch that again. I don't think I could stand it."
Gai isn't meeting his eyes anymore. Kakashi is stunned into silence. The room suddenly feels like it's turning upside down. A bubble of panic and anger rises in his chest.
"Is this an ultimatum? What, if I join ANBU you'll walk out of my life? That's what you're saying?"
Gai shakes his head sadly. "No. In truth, Kakashi, there is a part of me that will always belong to you. We're eternal rivals, after all. I don't think I even remember how to not be in your life anymore." He chuckles softly at that. All those years Gai had spent forcing his way into Kakashi's life, wanting acceptance and companionship from him. All those years Kakashi spent trying to force him out of it. Kakashi wonders if he regrets it now.
"I never wanted you to walk alone in your pain. But you pushed me away back then, kept me at a distance. Kakashi, this time I'm not sure I'll be able to close it again."
Gai's hand reaches out to touch a stray silver strand of hair that has fallen over Kakashi's face. His fingertips slightly brush his forehead, leaving a tingling sensation in their wake. This last lingering touch somehow feels like a goodbye. A single tear slides down Gai's face now, and he is looking at Kakashi like he already has the ANBU mask on, as if his face is already slipping away, hidden in a place he can't reach. Before he goes, he leaves Kakashi with one last thought, conviction ringing strongly through his voice. "I meant what I said, every word of it. You are so much more than this."
The room feels empty without Gai in it. It is hollow, wide open and lonely. Kakashi is frozen in his spot. He can't tear his eyes away from the stack of paperwork that demands his attention, that will determine what happens from here on out. His heart feels like a terrible thing, a weight of sorrow sitting in his chest that threatens to drag him down from the sheer intensity of it. He's not sure where to go from here.
Later, he sits on the ledge outside his window, looking down at the scene below. It is peaceful in the village tonight; no one stirs. Light from the street lamps cast long shadows down the streets and alleyways. There is a gentle breeze that ruffles the stack of forms in his hand. Kakashi's thoughts flow through his mind fleetingly. Past, present, and future all blur together. He thinks of the progression of his life from a traumatized little boy to a killing machine. His thinks of his old nickname, Cold-Blooded Kakashi. It is this past that seems to define him and everything he has done up until this point. When he tries to envision the future, there is only a wide open expanse, colorless and desolate. Kakashi has never been any good at thinking so far ahead. In truth, Kakashi had never thought the future held anything worth planning ahead for.
I know that you miss them.
His mind pulls up images of the past, of his three genin brats. Fresh from the academy, eager and hopelessly clueless. Later, missions to faraway lands and lunch at Ichiraku Ramen. What had he ever given any of them as a teacher? Did he even deserve to miss them?
There is a part of me that will always belong to you.
The argument fades to the background as those words reverberate through Kakashi's mind. What had Gai meant by that? Was it simply a declaration of friendship, the part of Gai that had been changed by their rivalry? There is a small part of Kakashi that wants it to mean something more. It feels like a betrayal somehow. Besides, what had Gai said after that? We're eternal rivals, after all. Maybe that was all there was to it. The small flicker of hope that had lodged itself in Kakashi's heart is crushed by the weight of reality. Kakashi sighs as he retreats back into his apartment. He has always read too deeply into things.
He has a headache now and he decides it's time for bed. Hopefully the universe would have mercy on him and he'd be able to shut off his mind long enough to get a few hours of rest. Even as he thinks that, he knows he will get no sleep tonight. He heads back to the living room and throws the stack of forms onto the coffee table, signature neatly written on the last line. They slide a little too much and fall to the ground, scattering in different directions. Kakashi doesn't pick them up.