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Blinking her eyelids open felt much harder than it should’ve been, exhaustion still clinging to her. Eyeing the red glow of her alarm clock, harsh in the pitch black of the night, Lena furrowed her brow at the time. Her phone continued to buzz, vibrating the bedside table in demand despite such a late hour. A quick glance over her shoulder told her that her bedmate was still out cold, nothing ever could wake her - Lena hated that sometimes. Was she really at that stage already, criticising her partner’s sleep? What were they even doing together?
Unplugging the charger as she half sat up, her brain did a scan of the number on the screen wondering who could be calling at this time. It felt familiar but her tired brain couldn’t place it.
“Hello?” Her voice was raspy as she answered, breath held in suspense.
Silence followed and Lena wondered if she had even answered. Just as she went to pull the phone away from her ear she heard a small sniffle. Pausing a beat longer, a voice she didn’t think she would ever hear again drifted across the line.
“Lena?” The voice was sad but sweet, the way her name sounded just as angelic as the last time she heard it made her heart thump in her chest. It was so long ago now, yet it felt like barely any time had passed.
Her breath was caught in her throat, her jaw moving but no sound coming out. A quiet hiccup finally broke her out of her stupor. “Kara?” Lena’s gut dropped when her mind finally kicked into gear – Kara was calling her, at three am, in tears. “Honey why are you crying, is everything okay?” The old pet name for her slipping out without a second thought.
“Yeah,” Kara sniffled, her voice was rough, Lena figured she must have been crying for a while. “Yeah, everything is… okay.”
Lena wasn’t convinced, she could always tell when something was bothering the sunny blonde. Throwing the doona off her legs, she slipped out of bed as quietly as she could. She tiptoed out of the room and pulled the door closed behind her, not wanting to risk waking Andrea. Curling up on the couch, a throw over her knees she prodded Kara further, with one stern, “Kara.”
A heavy sigh filtered through, Lena could picture her shoulders sagging in defeat, just the way they used to when Lena would try to get things out of her. “I- I had a really rough day, and that was okay, but then, the nightmares started and I woke up and I just- I’m sorry I don’t know why I-”
“Kara, hey,” Lena gently interrupted before Kara could make herself feel worse, “Breathe.” It was quiet as Kara breathed in deeply, holding it in for a few seconds just like Lena taught her when she was overwhelmed. Good, Lena thought to herself as she counted the seconds in her head.
“Your voice is quiet,” Kara eventually said, just as quietly, unsure what to say in the silence.
“I- I’ve got to whisper, I can’t be too loud,” Lena answered, part of her hoping Kara wouldn’t ask why, the other part knowing she might already know why. Lena wondered if Kara was being quiet for the same reason.
When they were together, even before, Lena always felt like Mike was jealous of her. It wouldn’t surprise her if he swooped in as the knight in shining armour after they broke up.
“Why is it only you?” Kara asks after a prolonged silence. It sounds rhetorical, said on a sigh, like it physically pains her. Lena holds her breath, biting her lip nervously. “Everyone wants to help, everyone tries. Eliza, Alex, Mi-” she cuts herself off before finishing his name, asked and answered, “no one can make it okay, except you.”
Lena’s heart broke at the sadness in Kara’s voice, she hated when the blonde’s light was dimmed. After they separated Lena had tried to keep up with Kara’s life, watching her grow in her career, become a reporter, she had thought the woman was doing well.
“It’s been five years Lena,” Kara says on the verge of tears, “and it’s still only you.”
Lena is at a loss for words, the pure need to comfort her old flame resurging. She lets out a breath, her eyes falling closed as she lets herself be honest with herself for the first time in a while.
“My girlfriend’s in the next room, sometimes I wish she was you,” she sighs. Her heart is picking up pace, thudding so hard in her chest it’s all she can feel, “I guess we never really moved on.”
“Lena,” Kara breathes. God, hearing Kara’s voice say her name, it sounded so sweet. It used to warm her heart in a way nothing else ever could, brought light into her life. Now, it just made her weak.
“It’s really good to hear your voice,” is all Lena can say, feeling tears begin to well in her eyes against her will. She tips her head back, letting it rest against the back of the couch. Closing her eyes, she lets her mind drift back to a time she told herself she would never think on. Better times, happier times. When a simple smile from one Kara Danvers could light up the night brighter than the moon.
A few minutes passed in silence, each in their own heads. Without realising they began talking, sharing random tidbits from their lives over the past few years. Kara told Lena about Alex joining the FBI and almost getting engaged, now trying to adopt a child. Lena told Kara about Sam and Ruby moving back to National City permanently, avoiding any and all reference to Andrea. Lena asked after Eliza, having always had a soft spot for the sweet matriarch. Lena could feel the warmth of Kara’s smile through the phone as she talked of her adoptive mother, it brought a soft smile to her own face.
“I uh, I became a reporter,” Kara says, somewhat nervously.
“I know,” Lena finds herself admitting shyly, “I’ve read every article you wrote.”
“Really?” She sounds shocked, she shouldn’t be.
“Really, even your one about Seattle’s biggest cookie,” she jokes to distract the blonde, not wanting to get into just how much Lena had followed Kara’s life.
Kara groans on a laugh, Lena imagines her head thrown back and face scrunched adorably. “No,” she drawls, “that was the worst.”
“And that’s the way the cookie crumbles,” Lena mocks, her voice exaggeratedly deep despite her laughter. She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed this much, probably not since Kara if she was being honest.
“Oh my god, stop,” Kara is cackling, unable to catch her breath, tears probably leaking from her eyes. “You make it sound like I was some cheesy news reporter on daytime tv.”
“Weeeell,” she draws the word out, head tilted as if to say ‘you kinda were’, even though the reporter can’t see it. The sound of Kara’s continued laughter made butterflies erupt in her belly. There was just something about Kara that was so vibrant and warm, she could find the joy in anything.
Lena remembered what her life was like before Kara. Cold, dull, long days seeping into lonely nights, living off caffeine and whiskey. Then Kara came along, bringing joy and life into Lena’s world. Her life became warm, bright, she took days off work to take long walks in the park together. Evenings were filled with wine, food and laughter before they would curl up together in bed, whispered words of love between them. Never alone. When she was with Kara, she was living.
Her smile began to fade, she hadn’t even realised she was no longer living again. She worked more than she should, her apartment was bleak again, she had Andrea but the woman was just as much of a workaholic. Even with the woman laid beside her in bed, she would feel lonely. Their relationship consisted of missed dates, rushed phone calls, corporate events Lena dreaded, petty arguments. It was almost a business deal.
She wasn’t happy.
Of course it took talking to Kara for her to realise. She was only ever happy when she was with Kara, because with Kara was the only time she was truly herself.
“I still dream of you, you know,” Kara’s voice brought her back to the present, Lena felt like there was a question Kara wanted to ask but didn’t. Instead, she murmured, “pretty much all I dream about when there are no nightmares.”
Kara sounded so small as she spoke, Lena yearned to see the woman, comfort her like she used to.
“I uh, I said your name once, when I was sleeping. That didn’t go well,” Kara sounded like she was trying to joke but it broke Lena’s heart. If he was jealous when she and Kara were together, Lena could only imagine what he might be like now.
“Does he know you’re talking to me, will it start a fight if he finds out?” Lena couldn’t help but worry for the blonde, not wanting to cause any issues between them, even though Kara was the one to call. She would always have a need to protect the sunny blonde.
“No,” Kara sighed, “He’s passed out, went out drinking with his friends. It will be fine.”
Lena felt irritation swirl inside her, Kara had a horrible day and he goes out drinking? She never did like him but now it’s even less.
“I’m sorry, darling,” Lena whispered, debating what to say next. “I- I dream of you too.”
Kara is quiet, but Lena can tell it’s had an effect. She holds her breath as she waits, eyes drifting over to the windows. A soft orange glow begins to creep into the horizon, dawn approaching. Lena hadn’t even realised how much time had passed as they talked, with Kara time always flew by feeling like barely a minute, no matter how much she tried to savour it.
“D-Does she -?” Kara can’t bring herself to finish her sentence, but Lena knows. Does she know about us, does she know you dream of me, does she know we’re talking, will it cause trouble? All have the same answer.
“No, I don’t think she has a clue,” Lena looked over her shoulder, a small part of her hoping to see someone who cares approaching, nothing but darkness is there. “Nothing can ever wake her.” Lena isn’t sure why she says it.
“Some of my favourite memories with you occurred when everyone else was sleeping. I could always tell as soon as you would wake, it’s like your heartbeat changed and I could somehow hear it, feel it, and wake with you. You were softest during the night,” Kara rambled, likely unknowingly. Lena knows Kara would normally try to avoid admitting that, the lack of sleep was likely getting to her. “Lena, I’m sorry-”
“Kara, honey,” Lena closes her eyes as she inhales, “You make it hard to be faithful.”
Every word from Kara’s lips is sweet, soft, warm. Lips of an angel, she thinks.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Like I said before, it’s really good to hear your voice.” Lena’s eyes follow the sun as it starts to appear, wondering if Kara is feeling the same way she is. “I didn’t think I would ever get to hear your voice again. I just- I just never want to say goodbye.”
There were so many things still left to say, so many questions unasked but Lena couldn’t help but think maybe this was it. Kara obviously still felt the same. Was Lena really lucky enough to be given a second chance? What about Andrea? Mike? Their past?
Things they had said during the night rushed through her mind.
Honey, why are you crying?
No one can make it better, except you.
Sometimes I wish she was you.
It’s really good to hear your voice.
I still dream of you.
I guess we never really moved on.
“I don’t want to either,” Kara breathed back, and something settled in both their chests.
Coming from the lips of an angel, it sounded so sweet.