Work Text:
A Matter of Timing
By Dawn47
In her temporary quarters at McKinley station, Kathryn was going through the debriefing schedule for the upcoming week. When her door chime rang, she called out, “Come” without looking up.
B’Elanna stormed in and demanded, “We have to do something about this!”
Kathryn looked up first with her eyes and then let her head follow as she took in the emotional state of the obviously agitated engineer. In the voice that she often used to calm her favorite half-Klingon, she responded, “Do something about what?”
“This…” She gestured towards the corridor repeating, “This thing!”
Kathryn tried to suppress the grin that was threatening as B’Elanna plopped down heavily on the sofa. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain a little better than that.” Kathryn silently hoped that B’Elanna wasn’t referring to her new child as a thing.
“Haven’t you seen them together? Doesn’t it make you furious?”
Realization dawned. “Ah. You’re referring to Chakotay and Seven.”
“Hell yes!” B’Elanna stood and started pacing. “What is he thinking? She’s a former Borg! She’s less than half his age! She won’t understand him!”
“What makes you think that?”
“He’s a spiritual man, deep thinker, kind, and generous, and she’s so unemotional…well, she’s just so stiff and rigid. It’s like oil and water.”
Kathryn suggested, “Perhaps he could bring out her softer side. She understands what spirituality is and he might be able to help her with that.”
“How can you be so calm about this? Haven’t you seen them fawning all over each other?”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a good thing for new couples?”
B’Elanna sat down again. “Not if they aren’t the right couple. He doesn’t belong with her. He belongs with you!”
Kathryn tilted her head as she considered her next words very carefully. “You know that Chakotay and I are very good friends.”
“But…”
“Let me say this.” She paused until B’Elanna nodded. “Chakotay and I are very good friends and nothing more. If he has found happiness and love with Seven, how can I not want him to pursue that?”
B’Elanna looked at her like she had finally lost it. “Clearly, it’s time for drastic measures here. We need some ‘girl talk’.”
Kathryn looked at her in mild surprise. “Girl talk?”
“Yes, don’t you know what girl talk is?”
Kathryn’s hand dropped as she gave B’Elanna a look. “Yes, I know what girl talk is, I just didn’t think it was your style. Or mine, for that matter.”
B’Elanna sighed. “Yeah, that’s one of the reasons I hated the academy so much. But now, I want to talk about men. One man, in particular.”
Kathryn set the padd aside. “All right, girl talk it is. This will get me in shape for what’s coming.” At B’Elanna’s questioning look she continued. “In the very near future, I’m going to be forced into enduring the Spanish Inquisition of girl talk – the interrogation of my love life by my well-meaning sister.”
B’Elanna stretched her arms as if preparing for a work-out session. “What we need is some toenail polish.”
Kathryn shook her head in amusement. “I’m sorry, but my manicure set is in storage with the rest of my stuff from Voyager. Besides,” she said with a wrinkled nose. “You do NOT want to smell my feet after they’ve been in these boots all day.”
“All right then, how about some chocolate?”
“Now that’s something I can do!” Kathryn made her way over to the replicator. “Brownies, chocolate cheesecake, chocolate ice cream, what’ll we have?”
“Definitely ice cream.”
“Coming right up!”
B’Elanna’s communicator chirped. “Torres here,” she replied.
“Hey there,” Tom said, sounding a little odd. “Um, where’d you run off to?”
“Talking to the Captain.”
“Good evening, Mr. Paris.” Kathryn called out as she returned to the sofa with chocolate ice cream in hand.
“Hello, Captain,” he replied. “B’Elanna, are you coming back to the station cafeteria? Didn’t know if I needed to follow you when you stormed out.”
“If you get tired of holding Miral, I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone else willing to take over. She’s already used to being passed around.”
“I don’t mind spending time with my daughter. It’s just that I don’t have the necessary equipment come feeding time, and I was a little worried about you.”
Kathryn interjected, aware that there was something going unsaid between the two. “If we’re still talking when she gets hungry, bring her by my quarters. I haven’t had my share of Miral time.”
B’Elanna asked, “That okay, Tom?”
“Sure, that’s fine. Paris out.”
Kathryn watched with amusement as B’Elanna dug into her ice cream with gusto. “So…” Kathryn began in between bites, “You don’t understand why Chakotay and Seven’s relationship doesn’t bother me?”
B’Elanna paused, full spoon held in mid-air. “No Captain. I want to know why you’re pretending that it doesn’t bother you.”
“First of all… during these girl-talk sessions, you should call me Kathryn. No, strike that. From now on, when we’re not on duty or at some official function, please call me Kathryn. I won’t be your Captain for much longer.”
Grinning, B’Elanna replied, “Okay, but it’s definitely going to take some getting used to.” She paused a second before she added, “Kathryn.”
“That’s exactly what Chakotay said when I asked him to use my first name.”
“When did you do that?”
“On New Earth.” Kathryn smiled at the memory. “Didn’t make much sense to keep calling me Captain then.”
“Did you two ever, you know, ‘get-together’ when you were stuck on that planet?”
Kathryn smiled at the memories as she swirled her spoon around in her ice cream. “Still trying to win the pool on that one?”
“Just curious.”
Kathryn raised an eyebrow as she looked at B’Elanna. “Do you think we’d be sitting here having this conversation if we had? I can’t imagine being able to stop kissing that man, had I ever started.”
“Aha!” B’Elanna exclaimed, “I knew you had feelings for him!”
“Had is the right word.” Kathryn’s gaze diverted to her ice cream again.
“Are you saying you don’t anymore?”
Kathryn shook her head. “No, not exactly.” She studied her dessert for a minute before continuing. “Chakotay and I have had strong feelings for each other for a very long time.”
“Really?” B’Elanna asked with heavy sarcasm.
“The problem was that we could never act on them.”
“Why not?”
Kathryn replied, “Because I’m his captain and he’s my first officer.”
“So?”
“Our jobs are difficult enough without adding a relationship to the picture. I would never consider compromising my command, my ship, or my crew by engaging in an intimate relationship with my first officer.”
“But you’re in love with him. What’s so different about actually acting on it?”
Kathryn considered her answer carefully. “It’s substantially different. Even though we had those deep feelings, it was very important to keep the emotions in check.”
“Why?”
“We needed to maintain control. We couldn’t allow ourselves to get distracted or complicate command decisions with a personal relationship.”
“But you two wouldn’t have allowed your private lives to get in the way of your duty,” B’Elanna insisted. “You’re both stronger than that.”
Kathryn shrugged. “Perhaps, but the price would’ve been extremely high if we’d gotten distracted.”
“If we’d been out there for say, another ten or fifteen years, you never would have allowed yourself an intimate relationship?”
“No, not necessarily.” Her spoon swirled around in the melting ice cream. “But I wouldn’t have let myself have an intimate relationship with my first officer.”
“So Chakotay would have had to step down from his position to have a relationship with you?”
Kathryn nodded. “I couldn’t ask that of him, and I wasn’t about to turn over command just so I could have sex.”
“That’s expecting too much. How could you isolate yourself like that and face the possibility of not experiencing intimacy for most of your adult life?”
“How many people on board that ship didn’t have an intimate relationship or were separated from their spouse?”
B’Elanna replied, “But they weren’t in love with someone on board.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” she replied. “Do you honestly think that I would’ve put my own desires ahead of the requirements of my command?”
“Have you ever had this conversation with Chakotay?”
Setting her bowl down, Kathryn said, “No, but he understood it.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
Kathryn’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I’ve had many conversations with him over the years.”
With unease, Kathryn asked, “And you discussed me?”
B’Elanna shrugged. “I don’t want to betray his confidence, but I will tell you that I’m quite sure he didn’t understand why you kept him at arm’s length.”
“That can’t be true. I could see him being frustrated about it, still I know he understood.”
“I assumed he didn’t understand, but maybe you’re right.”
“Chakotay and I have a very special relationship. We comfort each other in platonic ways, and we keep each other on solid ground, emotionally. He is always there when I need him, and I know that I couldn’t always reciprocate. I tried, but he wouldn’t let me. He protects me in that way.”
“I know. That’s when he comes to me.”
Kathryn nodded. “I’m glad he has you for that.”
They sat in silence for a moment until B’Elanna asked. “What happens with your friendship now?”
Sighing, Kathryn said, “I’m not sure. I know whatever happens we will always be very good friends.”
“Do you love him?”
Kathryn was surprised by the question, yet her answer was immediate, nonetheless. “Yes, I do. Very much, but that doesn’t mean it translates into romantic love.”
“Could it?”
Kathryn was lost in thought for a moment before answering. “After we docked here at McKinley, Chakotay came to me and we talked about Seven. He asked for my blessing. As his friend, I had to give it to him.”
“Why? We’re home!”
Sadly, Kathryn replied, “We’ve been ‘just friends’ for so long that I’m not sure we could be anything else. He believes he has found something very special with her, and as his friend, I can’t ask him to abandon that.”
“Have you considered that he might’ve been asking for your blessing because he wanted to know if there was a chance for the two of you?”
“That’s not what it sounded like. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to end what looks like a successful relationship. It’s very likely that Chakotay and I could never be more than friends anyway.”
B’Elanna frowned. “Why do you say that?”
“We are two very stubborn, opinionated, and controlling people.”
“And you think Seven isn’t? What about me and Tom?”
Kathryn smiled. “Point taken,” and then she paused. “I just can’t ask him to give this up after everything I’ve put us through.”
“I think you can.”
Kathryn studied B’Elanna for a moment. “Are you saying that because you know something I don’t know?”
“I know you, I know Chakotay, and I know Seven. Isn’t that enough?”
With a sigh, Kathryn replied, “It’s just not fair of me to do that to either of them. Chakotay is the closest friend I’ve ever had and Seven is like a daughter to me.”
They were quiet for a moment until B’Elanna said, “Let me ask you this? What did you dream of at night? About when we would get home?”
Kathryn tilted her head to the side, cherishing the memory. “Exactly what you would assume. A happily ever after with a man I’m in love with.” She quickly added, “Oh, and possible a distinguished award or two for my bravery and sacrifice.”
Smiling at that response, B’Elanna asked, “And after everything you and he have been through, don’t you think that dream is worth fighting for? Don’t you owe it to yourself to at least try?”
“It was a fantasy. Happily-ever-after isn't a realistic notion.”
“Maybe, but if anyone deserves it, you and Chakotay do.” B’Elanna was quiet for a moment before adding, “And I happen to know for a fact that he had the same dreams.”
“I doubt that he still does.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think he stopped believing they’d come true and gave up. I think he needs to be informed that if he still wants that dream, it’s his for the taking. How can he make an informed decision without all of the information?”
“So, you’re saying that I need to talk to him?”
B’Elanna nodded. “You definitely need to talk to him.”
“I’ll consider it.”
“Please do.” B’Elanna stood up. “I should go. Tom’s probably had about all he can handle with Miral by now.”
Kathryn stood up and walked B’Elanna to the door. She embraced B’Elanna tightly and said, “Thank you for being such a good friend. Let’s keep this going, no matter where we end up.”
B’Elanna smiled. “I’d like that, Kathryn.”
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
After her guest left, Kathryn got ready for bed, going through the motions of her nightly routine as she considered what they’d discussed, her dreams, and her feelings. She had a lot to think about.
*****
The next day, Kathryn sat through her debriefings, willing herself to focus on the questions she was being asked. She thought the whole process was very random and wished to be done with it all. The line of questioning she’d been subjected to that afternoon was particularly disordered, and she hoped the admirals would get to a point.
Starfleet had made the decision to keep the entire crew sequestered on McKinley station for debriefings, a process that would take three weeks. As each crewmember finished their individual debriefings, they assisted with repairs to Voyager.
Starfleet had decided to land Voyager in an enormous P.R. event, which meant it had to be capable of entering Earth’s atmosphere and landing. The journey through the Borg transwarp corridor damaged a considerable number of the required systems, and Starfleet wanted all future technology removed.
Exhausted after her very long day, she went back to her temporary quarters to freshen up before dinner. She took a moment to stretch out on her bed and ended up dozing off. When she awoke, she realized that it was late and that if she wanted to see anyone in the station cafeteria, she had better get moving.
Despite the late hour, she found many of her former crew still gathered around the tables. This family was not looking forward to the separation and everyone was spending as much time together as possible. As she made her way over to where most of her senior staff were sitting, she overheard plans being made for various reunions and made a mental note to ask someone to coordinate all those plans.
B’Elanna beckoned her over to sit with her, Tom, and Harry. Upon seeing Chakotay and Seven at a table nearby, she stopped briefly to tell B’Elanna that she would be back in a moment.
She walked up to Chakotay and Seven and stood next to their table. “How are you this evening?”
“We are well, Captain.” Seven’s reply was courteous, but Kathryn felt like she was interrupting something.
Chakotay answered politely as well. “Just fine.”
Kathryn said, “Well, I apologize for interrupting.” She shifted her focus to Chakotay. “Chakotay, do you have some time later this evening? There is something I’d like to discuss with you.”
Chakotay nodded. “Of course, Captain. Is 21:00 too late?”
“No, that would be…” Kathryn was interrupted by Seven abruptly pushing her chair back.
“Pardon me Captain, but I need to be going.” Seven glared at Chakotay and walked swiftly out of the room.
Chakotay rubbed his chin in frustration and sighed. “Sorry about that, Kathryn.”
She turned her attention back to Chakotay. “No need to apologize. Everything okay?”
“Nothing serious. She’s just irritated because I’m not making decisions quickly enough and wants everything about our future decided tonight. Obviously, she’s not happy that I just agreed to meet with you.”
Kathryn took a deep breath and nodded. “It’s nothing duty-related, something personal that’s on my mind. Let’s find another time so you can have that conversation with Seven.”
Chakotay stood and squeezed her forearm. “Not at all, I’d love to spend some time talking with you. 21:00 in your quarters or mine?”
“Are you sure?” Kathryn waited until he nodded before answering his question. “Your quarters, if that’s okay?”
“That’s fine.” He smiled. “I look forward to it.”
He picked up his and Seven’s trays. “I should go see if I can calm her down.”
Kathryn tilted her head in sympathy. “Be patient. This is her first relationship.”
“That is becoming all too clear to me.” He shook his head. “But I’ll see what I can do.”
Kathryn was having second thoughts about talking with Chakotay that evening, yet she had already made the invitation so there was no backing out now. She made her way back over to B’Elanna’s table and sat down.
“What was that all about?” B’Elanna voiced the question that was lingering in everyone’s mind.
With a sigh, Kathryn leaned towards B’Elanna to get a look at Miral. “They’re just having a little trouble communicating.”
“No kidding?” Tom feigned surprise as Harry rolled his eyes.
“Imagine that?” B’Elanna smirked.
Kathryn frowned at them. “They are your friends, you know.”
Tom asked, “Aren’t you just a little relieved to see that they’re having problems?”
Kathryn glared at B’Elanna before replying, “No, I’m not. I want them to be happy with whatever path each of them may take.”
B’Elanna nodded towards Tom and Harry. “Hey you two, go get your Captain something to eat.”
Harry started gathering their dishes as he asked, “Of course, Captain. What would you like?”
Not keen on being waited upon, Kathryn shook her head. “Thank you, nothing.”
“We had chicken pot pie. I’ll get you the same, and some coffee.” He walked off, dragging Tom along behind him.
B’Elanna leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t say anything to Tom. He came up with that all on his own.”
“I’m sorry,” Kathryn said with a sigh. “I’m just a little on edge because I decided to take your advice and it isn’t sitting well with me.”
“Everybody knows that you have strong feelings for him. It isn’t a secret.”
“It’s supposed to be.” Kathryn was silent for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. “If everyone knows, then Chakotay has to as well. Are you sure he’s still interested?”
“Yes,” B’Elanna replied. “But he’s so caught up in his own uncertainties that he doesn’t see it.”
“I don’t know about that. Chakotay is a very confident man and usually quite empathetic to those around him, including me.”
“Not when it comes to your feelings for him. If he did, he wouldn’t be with Seven.”
“I’m having misgivings about talking to him. The timing feels wrong, like if I were going to pursue this, I should’ve told him years ago. This late in the game, it feels ungraceful.”
“No.” B’Elanna leaned forward. “You have to do this now for your own benefit. If you don’t, pretty soon it is going to be too late.”
“Not if his relationship with Seven ends. Then I can go to him when he is unattached.”
“What happens if they work it out?”
Kathryn shrugged. “Then it’s my loss.”
“That’s why you have to give him the option now, before it’s too late to turn the ship around.”
“Now that is something I definitely don’t want to do!” She quickly added, “Unless it is to escape from these dreadful debriefings!”
Tom and Harry chose that moment to return with her dinner. The four friends talked for a long while, catching Kathryn up on plans that each member of her crew was making.
*****
Seven left McKinley station to return to Voyager, deciding to stop by sickbay before returning to her alcove to regenerate.
“Seven!” The Doctor said brightly until he noticed the look on her face. “What’s wrong?”
“I need advice.”
“About?” the Doctor asked with encouragement.
“Chakotay’s behavior is perplexing.”
“Oh? How so?”
“I’m eager to make plans together for the next few months, but he wishes to travel on his own.”
“Well,” the Doctor said. “For over a decade, Commander Chakotay hasn’t had the freedom to move about at his leisure. It’s not surprising that he wishes to take time to do so now.”
“I would be an acceptable traveling companion,” Seven noted. “There is much I don’t know about the Alpha Quadrant and would welcome the opportunity to learn.”
He offered, “Perhaps you and I could explore together since I haven’t seen it either. I’m sure we can find some mischief to get into.”
Seven thought about the offer and nodded. “We might need a tour guide.”
“I feel confident that we could get one. Starfleet may want to provide us with security, being as unique as we are.” He tilted his head. “I sense that something else is bothering you.”
“Yes,” Seven replied. “I’m eager to make plans for our future, mine and Chakotay’s, but he has not yet decided where he wants to live or what he wants to do. I’m finding it difficult to coordinate our living arrangements. My alcove will need to be adapted depending on where we live, whether it be on Earth, a starship, or a space station. This will take time and with him not willing to decide where we’ll be, I’m unsure how to proceed.”
“I see,” he said while taking a small stroll around the main console in sickbay. “I’ve been considering that myself, as my emitters and my program will need a permanent home.”
“The ambiguity is unsettling,” she stated.
“Seven,” the Doctor said carefully. “All of Voyager’s crew members are suffering from the upheaval of this sudden change in our lives.”
“It has been three weeks.”
“Yes, but while you and I seek concrete plans and a certainty about our future, others on the crew simply need time to relax. They’ve been on duty without break for seven long years. For their own well-being, they need to reflect on their experiences. This is an important part of their mental health and it would be detrimental for them to be rushed through the process.”
“You’re suggesting that my needs for certainty are less important than Chakotay’s needs for uncertainty.”
“No, of course not, but being in a relationship requires compromise. Might I suggest asking him about spending half his leave traveling alone and the other half with you? I would welcome your company while he is away.”
“I will consider that, still I believe if Chakotay and I had time alone, uninterrupted, then I could help him sort out his future plans. This way, I can start making arrangements while he is away.”
“Seven, have you considered that perhaps you’re spending more time thinking of the logistics of your living and traveling arrangements than you are of what the Commander needs right now?”
Seven said, “I am merely trying to ensure the continuance of our involvement.”
“Well, give it some thought. I’m here if you need me.”
“Thank you, Doctor. Our discussion was helpful,” Seven said just before she left sickbay.
A few minutes later, Chakotay came into sickbay. “Doctor?”
Happy for another visitor, the Doctor early replied, “Yes, Commander?”
“The computer said Seven was here.”
“Ah yes, she just left. I believe she’s on her way to regenerate.”
“Thank you,” Chakotay paused before asking, “Was she upset?”
The Doctor hedged before he replied, “Frustrated perhaps.”
“She was not pleased that I made plans to speak with the Captain later.”
“Ah,” the Doctor replied. “If I may make a suggestion?”
“Go ahead,” Chakotay encouraged.
“Seven is craving certainty and stability in her life right now, but I assured her that what you need is time to relax and reflect. Perhaps meeting in the middle would be a compromise you both could live with.”
“Ah, well, thank you for speaking with her. I’ll go see her now.”
*****
A couple hours later, Kathryn found herself standing outside Chakotay’s quarters. She had taken the time to change out of her uniform, visualizing the stress coming off with each layer. It was something a counselor told her to do once, and now that her crew was home safe, she thought she could start working on that again. She took a deep breath and rang the chime.
The door opened and she immediately found herself drawn to the open arms of her dearest friend. It had been several months since they had hugged, and she didn’t realize how much she had missed it. “Mmmmm. You feel good.”
Chakotay drew in a deep inhalation and squeezed her tightly. “We have been severely deficient in our hugs of late. I think I’m going to have to put us on report.”
Kathryn chuckled against his chest. “Oh no, the last thing I need is more reports to go over!”
He drew back to look at her. “Has it been difficult?”
With a sigh, she replied, “Let’s just say I’m not enjoying reliving every single decision made over the last seven years.”
He led her over to the couch. “I know, but soon it will be all over.”
She sat down as he went to replicate coffee and tea. “Then, can I be entirely un-captain-like and start throwing things?”
Taking the seat next to her, he hesitated in giving her the coffee cup, “As long as it doesn’t involve throwing things at me!”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Kathryn took the coffee and savored the first sip before adding, “Unless it involved a hoverball?”
“Just as long as I get to hit it back.” He relaxed into the cushions behind him.
“So…” Kathryn changed the subject after a comfortable silence. “Is Seven okay?”
Chakotay took a deep breath. “She’s just irritated with me.”
“You said she’s unhappy with your decisions or with a lack thereof?” Kathryn truly was concerned about both of her friends’ happiness.
“I’m not ready to decide whether or not to stay in Starfleet, whether or not to permanently stay on Earth, or even where I might want to spend my leave.”
“That’s what leave time is for, to give you time to make those decisions.”
“I know, but I can’t seem to convince her of that.”
Kathryn thought about the situation before asking. “What does she want to do next?”
“That’s part of the problem. She won’t decide until I do. I’ve tried to explain that she should make her own decisions, that it is part of being an individual, but she is tying herself to me. I don’t think it’s healthy.”
“No, it’s not.”
“And she doesn’t understand why I want to go to Trebus right away.”
Tilting her head in concern, she asked, “You aren’t going alone, are you?”
“I’ll be fine. With our return, I feel like I need to close this chapter of my life before I think about what’s next.”
“This chapter?”
“Decade, I suppose. While the demons that haunted me while in the Maquis have faded, my nuanka, my period of grieving, needs closure. Seven wants to go with me, but her portable alcove won’t be ready in time and will require a lot of energy that the new colony just doesn’t have.”
“Chakotay,” Kathryn said as she grasped his hand. “Please don’t go alone. Take me with you. I don’t want you to have to face those old ghosts without support.”
He smiled at her thoughtfulness. “I’ll be okay. What’s left of my tribe is there and they’ve faced the same ghosts. However, I’m honored that you want to go.”
She set her coffee down and moved closer to him, holding his arm and looking into his eyes. “I’ve wanted to see your home every time you’ve told me a story about your childhood. I know it isn’t the same anymore, but I want to hear the stories all over again in the place where they happened.”
He set his tea down and put his arm around her, pulling her close to his side. “I’d like that too.”
Kathryn curled her feet up under her and relaxed against him. “I wish there were pictures of you as a little boy. I bet you were darling.”
“Ornery, more like it. Never wanted my hair combed and loved to play around in the dirt.”
“A born explorer.”
They were quiet for a moment until he asked, “What was it that you wanted to talk about? Surely it wasn’t about me and Seven?”
She pulled herself up to face the uncomfortable conversation. “Actually, it does have something to do with you and Seven.” She picked up her coffee and took a sip before setting it back down and turning sideways to face Chakotay.
Looking at his concerned face made her apprehensions mount, but she owed it to herself to get it out. “I’m hesitant to even talk to you about this. I…” She paused for a moment before continuing, “I should have had this conversation with you when we got home, but really, it should’ve happened years ago.”
“Kathryn?”
She relaxed her tense shoulders. “When you came to me two weeks ago to discuss dating Seven, I had already prepared myself to give you my blessing.”
“You knew?”
“Yes,” she nodded. “The Admiral had told me, described how much you had loved Seven in her past. Because of that, I forced myself to accept it and support both of you.”
Gently, he asked, “Have you changed your mind?”
“Yes and no. Both of you mean the world to me and if you are meant to find happiness with each other, then I will support you by being the best friend that I can be.”
“I don’t understand…”
“I know.” Kathryn fought the impulse to jump up and start pacing. “I was planning on doing just that until last night.”
“What happened last night?”
“B’Elanna and I had a long talk and she encouraged me to talk to you.”
“I already know B’Elanna doesn’t approve of my relationship. She’s made that abundantly clear.”
Kathryn quickly shook her head. “It’s not about your relationship with Seven or even how B’Elanna feels about it. It’s the…” Kathryn paused. Her heart was telling her to say it, but her mind was flashing red lights to make her stop.
She jumped when Chakotay laid his hand on her knee. “Kathryn?”
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes were brimming with tears and she was desperately fighting them.
“You can tell me anything. Even if I get upset, I promise that I won’t ever let anything hurt our friendship. Trust me.”
She nodded. “I know.” She quickly pushed the tears away from her eyes and refocused on the conversation. “This is just very difficult to say.” She took a drink of her coffee to calm herself. “Years ago, I’m certain that you and I fell in love with each other.”
Chakotay pulled in a deep breath. “Yes… I believe we did.”
“You told me that wonderful legend, and I never said anything to you in return.”
“You didn’t have to. I could see it in your eyes.”
“A lot has happened since then,” Kathryn replied, a tear falling down her cheek.
Chakotay caught the tear as he replied, “Yes, it has.”
“We’ve developed an amazing friendship that means more than anything to me.” She took his hands in hers.
“To me, too.”
“Chakotay,” Kathryn said. “If you and Seven have truly discovered something special, then I want nothing more than for you to pursue it. However, B’Elanna encouraged me to tell you what’s in my heart before it’s too late. I know it is entirely unfair to tell you this now and I don’t know if a romantic relationship would ever work between us, but…” She got caught up on her words until Chakotay touched her chin.
“Kathryn?”
“I’m in love with you. I’m sure of it, and I don’t know what to do.”
His mouth dropped open as he stared at her in shock.
Kathryn’s anxiety increased with his silence, but she squeezed his hands. “I know your feelings for me have been compromised by my actions and decisions. I’ve wanted to tell you this for so long, only I couldn’t. I believed that you understood, then B’Elanna seemed to think you didn’t.”
Chakotay almost imperceptibly nodded his head and looked down. She would have missed it had she not been looking directly at him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry for not telling you this before.” Assuming his silence meant the worst or that he at least needed some time to think, she pulled her hands away and started to stand. “I should go.”
Her movement startled him out of his thoughts. “No…” He pulled her back down and looked into her eyes. “No, please don’t go.”
She nodded and waited for him to explain.
“I…” He gave her a soft smile. “I think I’ve just made one of my decisions.”
Quietly, Kathryn asked, “What’s that?”
“I’m going to stay on Earth for a little while until we can figure this out.”
“Chakotay?” She didn’t know what to make of his statement. Was he taking time to decide which woman he wanted? Was he going to figure out if he was still in love? The emotions inside her were swelling uncontrollably. Another tear escaped and ran down her cheek.
“Oh Kathryn.” He delicately caught the tear and then moved his hand to her shoulder. He drew her close and gently touched her lips with his own. He kissed her softly and warmly, with such tenderness and affection.
She held her breath as he pulled away and then relaxed when he brought their foreheads together.
“Kathryn, my love for you has never disappeared. I had no idea that you still felt that way and was having doubts that you ever did. It would be a dream come true to be able to love you.”
Her heart constricted at his words. She reached up and pulled him into another kiss, a long, passionate one that left them both breathless.
Chakotay pulled back and held her hands again. “We’ve been through a lot and I think we should take this slowly.” Seeing her nod, he continued with an almost-shy smile. “Would you go on a date with me?”
She smiled. “A date? I’m not sure.” She chuckled at the confusion on his face. “Will you promise to kiss me on our first date?”
He smiled and pulled her close again. “Kathryn, you have no idea how many millions of kisses I have saved up for you.” He kissed her once again.
“Hmmm.” She hummed with a smile. “I’m very much looking forward to experiencing each and every one of them.” She was truly enjoying this. “Tomorrow night then?”
“In two days. Tomorrow, I need to take care of something.”
“Oh.” The smile lessened, as she understood what he was saying. “Are you sure? We can give this more time before you make a change in your relationship with Seven?”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t need time. You’re all I’ve dreamed, imagined, and wished for. There’s no question.”
Kathryn’s smile came back in full force. “You really know how to make a woman feel cherished.”
He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I plan on doing just that for a very long time.”
They sat in silence for a moment, absorbing the dramatic change that had just taken place in their lives. “I should go.” Kathryn didn’t want to leave, yet she knew it was time.
Chakotay sighed. “Yes, it’s getting late and we both have to be up early.” He walked her to his door and stopped just before triggering the sensors to open it. “Kathryn, thank you for tonight. I know it wasn’t easy.”
She stretched her arms up around his neck. “Nothing worth having ever is.” She hesitated before saying, “Chakotay, don’t change your plans to go to Trebus. Take me with you or not, whatever you need.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, a look of gratitude washing over him.
She pulled him down for another kiss and then said, “Good night,” as she withdrew and left him to his thoughts.
*****
The next day, debriefings and repairs continued as expected. Plans were being made for a farewell party onboard Voyager in just a couple days, the night before Voyager would land on Earth with a big celebration. Starfleet and the Federation were also planning several official, special events, but the crew knew that none of those events could be celebrated in true-Voyager style.
After her debriefings were finished for the day, Kathryn found herself on Voyager. She had planned to walk her ship yet somehow ended up getting her hands dirty in engineering instead.
B’Elanna peeked over a console to find her captain sitting on the floor with tools all around her. “How’s it going back there?”
“Ugh!” Kathryn scratched her nose and accidentally smeared soot leftover from a burned-out relay across her cheek. “Great. I only have three more relays to replace and I can move on to the next area.”
B’Elanna laughed. “That’s the spirit!”
Kathryn had asked her for something that didn’t require much coherent thought. Her mind was muddled from both the debriefings and her conversation with Chakotay. Not to mention that the fact that they were finally home was still trying to sink in.
Kathryn looked up at B’Elanna and could see her eyebrows raised eagerly in question. “You look like you’re dying to ask me a question.”
B’Elanna took the opportunity and climbed in beside her captain. She picked up a tool to help with the relays before asking in a hushed, secretive tone, “So are you going to tell me about last night?”
“Nooo.” Kathryn chuckled at B’Elanna’s restlessness. “A good friend of mine has some things to work out with someone he’s been dating, and I don’t want to make it more difficult for him by discussing his personal life without his consent.”
B’Elanna paused. “Does that mean what I think it means?”
Kathryn shrugged her shoulders and continued with her work. “I’m not sure as I really don’t know what you’re thinking.”
“Is he dumping her?”
Kathryn lowered her eyebrows in displeasure. “I’m sure that he will have more eloquence than to do anything that resembles dumping.”
B’Elanna’s excitement was making it difficult for Kathryn to maintain her composure. “Really?”
Kathryn just shrugged. She knew the smile on her face told B’Elanna everything her friend needed to know.
*****
Chakotay and Seven were finishing up their dinner on Voyager’s holodeck when he said,
“Seven, we need to talk.”
“Agreed. Let’s make a list of the pros and cons for each of your options.”
“Not about that.” He looked directly into her eyes, struggling with how to be honest without hurting her. “It’s about us.”
If it was possible, Seven sat up a little straighter. “You are referring to our relationship?”
Chakotay nodded, his eyes temporarily looking down at the table before concentrating on her again. “Yes.”
“You don’t find our relationship satisfactory?”
Chakotay asked, “Can you honestly say that you do?”
“We have a lot of plans to make for our future. Once we do that, our relationship will be able to move forward again.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think we should make plans together for our future.”
Seven said, “I didn’t intend for us to choose the same career, but rather to be in the same location. What you want is very important for me.”
Chakotay sighed with guarded sympathy. He was realizing that she had never experienced or even overheard the ending of a relationship. She was not hearing the unspoken words. “If our careers bring us together on a ship or anywhere else, I would love to work with you.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “You are, without a doubt, the most intelligent and gifted person that I have ever known. What I’m unsuccessfully trying to say is that I think our personal relationship is not going to work.”
Seven looked at him in surprise. “You want to terminate our romantic relationship?”
Chakotay slowly nodded. “Yes. I believe it is the best thing for both of us.”
Seven was quiet for a moment before asking, “Is it because I’m pushing you too hard?”
“That is just one symptom of a larger issue. We might have been able to make this work on Voyager. However, we now have a substantially larger community to live in. The path that my life will take from this point on should not be the path that your life takes. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. I’m in my fifties and am thinking seriously about starting a completely new path, away from all the things that you should be focusing on. I’m not sure what that future is yet and I won’t be the one who holds you back.”
Seven suggested, “We can make it work. If you want to work in archeology, you could find a position in San Francisco. I could work for Starfleet. We could still be together.”
“I’m not saying that we couldn’t manage two separate careers and still be happy. I’m saying that we are at different stages in our lives and it is something we can’t ignore. I know you don’t understand, but in time, you will.”
Seven could see that he wasn’t going to change his mind. “You are going to Trebus then?”
“Yes.” Now was the time for the rest of the truth to come out. “Seven… all the reasons I just gave you for ending our relationship have been going through my mind for over a week. I don’t want to diminish their significance by what I’m going to say next.”
“Very well.”
“Last night, when Kathryn asked to speak to me?” He waited for her understanding before he continued. “She told me…” He paused and then changed tactics midway through his explanation. “When you and I spoke about my feelings for her, I told you what I believed, that we were very dear friends, and that any romantic feelings that once existed no longer did.”
“You were mistaken?”
Chakotay nodded. “Yes. We had both become so good at masking our feelings that we no longer saw them in each other. Last night, Kathryn told me that although she wanted you and I to be happy together, she felt the need to be open and honest with me about her feelings.”
“She’s in love with you?” Seven asked in surprise.
“Yes, she is. And I’m in love with her.”
“I would not have asked you to begin this relationship if I had known.”
“I know,” he replied. “And I wouldn’t have agreed if I had known.”
“The Captain’s happiness is very important to me. Do you believe that you will be happy together?”
Chakotay nodded, unhidden hope and joy bubbling up from inside him. “Yes I do. Very much.”
“Then you are taking the correct action. We will terminate our relationship.”
Smiling with relief, Chakotay said, “I still want to be your friend, and both Kathryn and I will always be there for you if you need anything. I hope you know that?”
“Yes I do, thank you. You have both been an important part of my development as an individual and I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
“The last thing that I want is to hurt your feelings.”
Seven’s expression softened. “You are well suited for each other and I hope that I find someone who loves me as much as you love her.”
“I want that for you too.”
Seven broke the moment by saying. “I’ll clean this up so you can go to her.”
Chakotay stood. “I’ll help you. Then we can go see what the others are up to.”
*****
About thirty minutes later, Chakotay and Seven entered engineering on Voyager to find it bustling with activity. Seven saw B’Elanna and immediately walked up to her. “Where can I find the Captain?”
B’Elanna hesitated in her surprise at seeing them together and looking happy. “Umm… she’s…” B’Elanna looked around for a minute before answering, “She’s on the upper deck working on replacing relays in the warp-field assembly.”
Seven started off in that direction while Chakotay pulled B’Elanna close as if to kiss her cheek. He whispered in her ear. “Don’t look so shocked. I know what you’ve been up to.” He kissed her cheek and winked as he pulled away and followed Seven up the ladder to the upper deck.
B’Elanna watched them for just a second before finding an excuse to quickly get up those steps herself.
Kathryn was standing on a stepladder, reaching around the warp core casing. She smiled when she heard Chakotay’s voice call up to her. “Have you misplaced something?”
Without looking down she answered. “Just getting this ship put back together.” She quickly finished what she was doing and closed the hatch over the newly replaced relays. She began to step down from her perch, but paused when she saw both Chakotay and Seven standing there. She immediately regained her bearings and descended the rest of the way. “What brings you two up here this evening?”
“We came to see you, of course.” Chakotay smiled and reached up to give her a light kiss. He winked and unsuccessfully attempted to rub off the smudges on her cheeks and nose.
Seven said, “Chakotay has told me that you and he wish to pursue a romantic relationship. I know that he has wanted this for many years and I wish all the best for you both.”
Kathryn smiled and took her protégé into an unexpected hug. Kathryn closed her eyes, more thankful for this than she thought possible. “Thank you. That means more to me than you can imagine.” She pulled back and looked into Seven’s eyes, “I was so worried that you wouldn’t forgive me for my very bad timing.”
Seven shook her head, “As the Doctor told me, you’ll know love when it hits you square in the face.” She glanced over at Chakotay, “When he told me about you two, I could tell immediately that he was definitely ‘lovestruck,’ the word I believe the Doctor used.”
Kathryn smiled with laughter as she looked at her love, “Yes, I think that definitely describes it.” She moved over to him and kissed his cheek. “It took me seven years, but I finally captured him.”
Chakotay tugged on his ear and chuckled. “Yes, I do believe you have.”
*****