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Deep down, you could tell Hawks never wanted to be with you.
Why else would he have let them get to you? Stolen from your own apartment. Was the security even on? Was he that neglectful?
No, he did this on purpose. He wanted to be done with you, forget you quickly. And what better way to get rid of you than to just leave you to villains?
‘The Number Two’s girlfriend.’ The man spits at you, a dark smile on his face. You can’t see anything but that. Is it too dark? You swear there’s light, but you can’t seem to focus on him. ‘What a waste. Shouldn’t he be with someone who matters?’
You feel something hit your face, but it doesn’t hurt. Why doesn’t it? You deserve the pain, for making him deal with you.
You want to scream for them to hit you again, to make you feel what he has, but the words don’t want to leave your mouth.
Your arms are tied behind your back, connected to the chair you’re sitting in.
‘He should.’ You whisper, hanging your head.
‘What was that?’ You can feel a head wrenching through your hair, forcing you to look up. You still can’t focus on him enough to get any useful descriptions of him.
‘I said he should.’ You say, smiling slightly. At least he’d be happy, right? Even if it wasn’t with you.
‘Good job.’ The man says, letting go.
You’re not sure what happens next, but Hawks is in front of you. You’re still tied up, but the men aren’t there anymore. You don’t look at him, scared of what he'll say. He looks you up and down, disgust written all over him.
Then he walks away. Leaving you where you know you should be: alone.
---
You wake up quickly, gasping like you’re running out of air. You might as well be, given the situation. Your throat feels raw, your face matted with sweat and, you can only assume, tears as well.
You look around, trying to figure out why you woke up, just to see Hawks. His amber eyes are filled with fear, his feathers puffing out around him. He’s wide awake, probably has been for a while. He’s really good at waking up when you’re panicking, even if you don’t realize it.
Just another thing for him to be mad about, given how often that is.
‘Y/n.’ He says, looking you up and down. ‘Are you ok?’
Quickly, all the feelings come back. But, when you normally would want to cling to him, and as much as you want to now, you can’t seem to find it in you to do it. You put your hands out to him slightly, and seeing how much you shake, you quickly put them down.
This is the third time you’ve had a dream like this this week. Everytime, it becomes more and more real, and you’re more convinced that these dreams are a premonition.
The first time he did come to save you, but then left you because of his reputation soon after. You woke up and clawed your hands against his back, trying to regain control of yourself as you sobbed into his skin.
The second time you woke up and he was gone, only an unreadable note and a cold bed. He woke you up, and helped you into his arms, coddling you as you cried, scared of that being the future.
All you’re going to do now is bother him. What kind of idiot has three nightmares in a week about their boyfriend no less?
It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve patched him up, all the kisses you’ve shared. All the times you’ve comforted him after nightmares, reminding him time and time again that you love him no matter what.
You’ve never been strong enough to ask for it for yourself.
You can deal with it on your own. And, if your dreams mean anything--which you’re starting to think they do--you’ll have to soon enough. It just depends on how long you’ll be alive to deal with it.
‘I’m fine.’ You say, flipping over and turning your back to him.
It’s better this way. To learn how to deal with things on your own.
‘You don’t think I don’t know you by now?’ He asks, and you can hear the smile on his face. ‘Come on angel, why don’t you just tell me what’s up?’ You shake your head again, and you can feel him move closer. Slowly, he rests a hand on your shoulder, bringing a sob from your throat. You can feel how bad you’re shaking from his firm hand.
‘Can I hold you?’ You shake your head. You’re going to have to learn to work through it on your own soon enough. As much as you crave his warmth, it wouldn’t help.
The thought of someone wrapping around you right now, as comforting as it usually is, sounds like hell on Earth. Even just the possibility of it is making you anxious, your eyes screwing shut. You usually love it, feeling wanted, reminding yourself and being reminded that you matter, that you’re real.
But right now, none of those things seem to be true. He’s going to leave, you don’t matter, and you have no idea if this is real. You’d prefer that it wasn’t, but it feels real. It’s awful, how much your body seems to be rejecting itself, trying to force your insides out.
You want to throw up, to cry, to dissolve into a puddle so you can’t be touched, but also so you’re not alive. What kind of sick dream gives you the world and then takes it away?
‘Can I leave my hand here?’ What harm does it do, just to feel the presence of another? You nod slowly, trying not to think too hard.
The world seems to almost rock back and forth, making you feel seasick. As time continues trudging forward, you can feel your breathing picking up. You grab onto your head, curling in on yourself.
‘Can you breathe with me?’ You shake your head, your jaw seemingly wired shut. You can’t do anything right, can you? ‘Can you try?’ You shake your head again, not wanting to listen. He’s going to leave, why listen to him now?
His hand is the only thing that keeps you present. You’re here, someone…. Someone’s here. You need to get yourself together. You look like an idiot, barely able to breathe, much less talk or move.
Your breath begins tapering out on it’s own after a few minutes. Your body feels heavy, but you can move your hands again, making fists then letting them go. Again, and again, trying to completely return before interacting with him.
Slowly, you roll around to look at him. His hand moves from your shoulder, resting on the bed. His mouth is pulled into a thin line, trying to smile when your eyes meet his own. He looks so exhausted. How much has he been sleeping, given how often he’s had to wake you up?
‘Can you tell me what’s wrong?’
‘I--’ You want to find the words, to figure out a way to fix how fucked up you are. ‘You’re the Number Two.’
‘Yes, I am, angel, but what does that have to do with right now?’ You move your tongue in your mouth.
There’s no easy way, to voice things like this. Sometimes the best thing to do is just get it out.
Rip off the bandaid, dive headfirst into deep waters.
‘Don’t you think I’m bad for your reputation?’ His smile drops. ‘Don’t you think eventually you’ll get tired of me, and because our relationship is so public, you’ll have to find another way to get rid of me than to just break up with me?’ You can feel your breathing picking up, making it hard to voice your thoughts. Not that you’d ever want to give him any ideas, honestly. But, you can barely think about anything, other than the list of things that he could do, that would prove how much he really hates you. ‘That one day you’ll just, just leave me in some Villain’s hideout, allowing me to die instead of coming up with--’
‘Stop that.’ He sounds so angry, you start sniffling all over again. You can see tears at the edges of your eyes, the shaking of your body sending them everywhere. Quickly, you cover up your face, trying to hide from him and his gaze.
You really are useless, completely and utterly so. You made him mad, this is why you shouldn’t tell him things.
Trying to regain your breath, this time he grabs onto you, pulling you into him. Your head is forcefully shoved into his chest, the only thing stopping you from hurting your nose is your hands.
‘Listen to me. That will never happen. I could never get tired of you. I love seeing your cute face when I come home, and knowing that you’re mine and I’m yours.’ His voice is soothing, almost like a lullaby. Slowly luring you back to Earth with it’s cant.
‘How can you be so sure?’ You ask, rubbing your eyes as best you can with your hands pressed to his chest. He’s so close but you still miss him. ‘How do you know that you won’t just leave?’
Your words almost send you back into that spiral, but he shushes you and pulls you away from him slightly. He presses a kiss into your forehead, and cups your cheeks with his hands. They’re always so warm.
‘Because I love you. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you. The world could explode, and you could be the cause of it, and I’d still love you.’ You laugh a little, trying not to sniffle so loudly, but failing. ‘Are you ok? Can you tell me what happened that made you think this?’
Slowly, you laid out the points of your dream, worrying your hands as you look away from him.
How you thought he was there to save you, but he wasn’t. How he allowed you to be taken, and left you there after, because it was the easiest way to get rid of you. How, in your dream, you realized he didn’t love you anymore, and there’s no easy way to say it, so he thought it was best to get rid of you completely.
How, each time you’d woken up for the last few nights and he had comforted you, it was a similar dream. Where he had left you alone, and had never really given a reason for it, so you had to assume that it was your fault.
How, as silly as it sounds, you had almost convinced yourself that it was going to happen for real, because they had been happening so often.
His eyebrows furrow as you talk, tears threatening to take over again. He watches you intently, seemingly…. Profiling you. He breathes deeply as you talk, and shuts his eyes a little. You almost mistake it as disgust, but when you clam up slightly, he prompts you to keep talking.
When you reach the end of your thoughts, you just lay there, looking up at him. He doesn’t talk for a second, but then moves close to you.
‘Can I hold you?’
Can he? You just told him everything. He knows your hurt, your fears. He knows that you’re scared of being alone, of being cast aside. Of being truly and utterly worthless in the eyes of others.
Slowly, you nod. He shifts again, pulling you close. You wrap your arms around his back, breathing in deeply. His shirt smells like him, sinking you deeper into him.
‘I would never ever deliberately allow you to be hurt.’ He says, squeezing you a little bit. ‘I would burn down the entire city if someone came for you and took you, just to find you. The security is always on, I promise. I’m never going to let that happen to you.’ You nod a little, sniffing again.
You pull away slightly, your eyes meeting his own.
‘Are you sure?’
Even after everything he’s said, you can’t help but assume the worst. That the world could come crashing down at any second. But, he’s smart, and shuts your thoughts down with a small kiss to your nose.
He truly does love you. Wouldn’t a playboy have left by now? He could have anyone, but he chose you.
‘Positive.’ He smiles, and you smile back. ‘Do you want to try to go back to sleep?’ You nod a little, burying yourself into his chest. ‘I love you a lot, you know. Nothing will ever change that.’
‘Alright. I love you too.’ He leans down and kisses the top of your hair, exhaling sharply, so you know your hair has gotten into his nose a little. You laugh, and quickly find yourself falling back asleep, praying that he’s right, and that the world you two shared would always be this peaceful.