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Sirius had been avoiding the hospital wing all day. Normally it was impossible to get him to leave after a full moon, but last night’s events had left him unable to face Remus.
He was pacing in an empty classroom near the owlery. Remus would be out of the hospital for dinner soon. Sirius didn’t think he was ready to face him, but he also figured that the longer he left it the worse it would be. He headed for the dorms, too sick to eat and figuring he wouldn’t want to speak to Remus in the great hall in front of everyone anyway.
He had expected to have half an hour to himself once he got there but he was greeted with the sight of Remus sitting on his bed, eyes hard and jaw set.
“Remus.”
He didn’t know what else to say. Oh god I shouldn’t have come up here yet, I’m going to be sick, he thought.
“How could you do this to me?”
Remus’s voice was small, and he was visibly fighting back tears.
“Sirius how could you possibly tell Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow, he could have died, I could have killed him. I would be locked up forever! Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? I trusted you.”
On the last line he broke, his voice cracked and tears started streaming down his face. Sirius had never felt worse in his life, he had never done something this bad before.
“Re I’m sorry…” he started, but it felt feeble and weak.
“I-“ he tried again, but no sound came out of his mouth. He didn’t have anything to say, he knew he had done irreversible damage this time.
No amount of apologising would fix this.
“Just go Sirius, I can’t even look at you right now,” he said shakily.
Sirius gave one last desperate look at him, and with a sinking feeling in his chest he turned and walked away, leaving his boyfriend staring despondently at the floor alone.
He didn’t make it very far before the tears welling up in his own eyes spilt. Sliding down the wall and sitting on the floor, sobs wracked his body.
The next few weeks passed slowly and hazily. Nothing felt real. He retreated far back into himself and didn’t talk to anyone. James tried, of course, although he tended to stick with Remus for meals and classes and left him alone after Sirius made it clear he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He threw himself into his schoolwork and quidditch training, and made sure to come to the dorms late each night so he could avoid speaking to the other boys.
The teachers had noticed. McGonagall called Sirius into her office for tea and biscuits one Friday afternoon.
She started off saying “Mr. Black,” quite firmly, however at the look on his face she started again.
“Sirius,” she said, softer this time. “I am becoming concerned with your distance from your friends. None of you are happy, and frankly the potions room is becoming incredibly out of order without you all in detention sorting it out every week.”
He gave her a half hearted smile at that, but said nothing.
She continued.
“What’s happened between you? I never thought I would see the day when you and James weren’t attached at the hip, let alone Remus and Peter.”
Sirius shifted in his seat, unsure of what to say.
Before he even realised he was talking, he was spilling the story to his head of house. Leaving out the parts that would give away he was an Animagus, he told her everything. Her expression remained stoic while he talked.
“Sirius,” she began, “I understand that you made a mistake. But I can see how sorry you are for it. I think you should try and talk to Remus again and try to explain once more.”
“There’s no point. He hates me now,” Sirius said miserably.
“I think your bond is strong enough to survive this Sirius, you just have to show him how sorry you are.”
Sirius thanked her and left, biting his lip and thinking about everything she had said.
The full moon was that night and Sirius had no idea what he was going to do, he desperately wanted to go but he didn’t think he deserved to. Glancing out the window, he saw that it was nearly moon rise. He knew Remus would be in the shack by now, and James and Peter would be heading down in about half an hour after dinner. There’s no way Remus will want me there, he thought. He hasn’t even looked at me since the day after the last moon in the dorms. I’ll just try and get this essay done for Charms. Remus doesn’t want me there. At that thought, he blanched, still not having come to terms with the fact that at one point he was the only person Remus would have wanted there, and now he was the last person. Gripping his quill tightly, he began writing his essay, although he wasn’t sure he was making much sense with it.
He didn’t have the cloak or the map since James and Peter had taken them earlier that evening, but he had been causing mischief long enough to know the prefects rounds and all of the good hiding spots on each floor. Casting a disillusionment spell just for good measure, he set off.
After briefly hiding from the Hufflepuff prefects on the second floor, he made it out of the castle. He removed the disillusion spell, transformed into Padfoot, then headed to the edge of a clearing in the forest where he knew they would be. Expecting to see Prongs and Moony playing as usual, he was shocked to see the wolf angry and snarling. With a low growl, Moony turned around and made eye contact with Padfoot. Shit, he can smell me. Without a second thought, he turned around and sprinted back to the castle, not stopping to see it he was being followed. Panting, he collapsed into his bed and tried to catch up with his thoughts. Remus was so angry, he was so angry at me. He definitely didn’t want me there, I shouldn’t have gone to see what was happening, I’m just glad Prongs and Wormy didn’t see me because at least Moony won’t remember. Falling into a fitful sleep, he drifted off with his mind on overdrive.
He woke up the next morning to voices.
“I can’t believe he didn’t come!”
“James, he hasn’t even looked at us since last month of course he didn’t come.”
“But he’s always there Pete, I didn’t think he would miss it even after this. Remus was so upset about it.”
The voices faded as James and Peter left the dormitory, and Sirius felt quite sick.
Was Remus really upset that I didn’t go? I thought that he wouldn’t want me to be there ever again after what I’ve done. And Moony was so angry when he saw me last night…
Realising he couldn’t get back to sleep after that revelation, he got out of bed and decided to head to see Remus instead of breakfast. He wasn’t hungry anyway.
After quickly getting ready, he found himself pacing outside the door of the hospital wing, unable to make himself go in.
Steeling himself, he inhaled deeply and pushed the door open, ignoring Madame Pomfrey’s protests as he walked straight to the bed he knew Remus was in.
Pulling back the curtains, he lost all of his nerve as they made eye contact.
“Sirius?” Remus croaked.
He looked worse than ever, Sirius hadn’t seen him this bad after a moon since before they joined him as Animagi.
“You didn’t come last night.” Remus said, his voiced tinged with an emotion Sirius couldn't quite place.
“I know I’m sorry I just… thought you didn’t want me there. I didn’t think I deserved to be there, after what I did.” He said this extremely quietly, and stared at the scratchy linen sheet beside Remus’ head.
"Right." Remus said shortly.
"Re... I'm so sorry. I can never ever apologise enough for this. But I have to try, I can't just let you walk out of my life without a fight. I know what I did was stupid, so fucking stupid. It's the worst thing I have ever done, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting it. In the moment I wasn't thinking of you and I should have been. I was only thinking of hurting Snape. I didn't think about how much it would affect you and I didn't think through the consequences. I love you so much Remus, and I will spend forever trying to make it up to you. Please say you'll let me make it up to you." His voice was becoming desperate, he knew, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "Remus I'm begging you with everything I am, please let me show you how sorry I am. I love you."
Remus held up a hand to signify he should stop talking, so he did.
“Sirius… I can’t honestly tell you that I can forgive you right now. It was such a huge betrayal of my trust. After everything I go through each month I thought you of all people would understand that. I know that you're sorry, and I know you would take it back if you could, but you can't. It's done. Snape knows my secret, I nearly killed him, and I can never be sure that he won't tell anyone. I would be okay if you wanted to join us at mealtimes and in classes again, but I can't see our relationship continuing as it was after this. I think it would be best if we officially stopped seeing each other for the time being."
Sirius felt his heart break instantly. He supposed he had known all month that things would never be the same, but hearing it straight from Remus and having it real now was so much worse than he thought it would be.
Clearing his throat, he said "Yeah I... yeah whatever you want Moony- uh, Remus. I have to go now but I'll see you later, yeah? Feel better."
Before giving the werewolf a chance to respond, he bolted from the room, not sure he could keep his emotions under control any longer. He ran out of the castle into the forest and immediately turned into Padfoot. He found that a good run around as a dog never failed to help clear his thoughts, and he really didn't feel like talking to anybody right at that moment.
A few hours later found Sirius stepping out of the shower and trying not to talk himself out of speaking to James. He knew he needed to make amends, at the very least apologise. He hung up his towel and quickly dressed, then steeled himself for the conversation he was about to have. He walked downstairs to the common room and stalked over to the table where the other three Marauders were sitting.
"Prongs," he muttered. "A word please."
James' eyes widened, but he stood up and lead Sirius out of the common room to an empty classroom in the corridor.
"Sirius," he said, face flickering with a range of emotions. Relief, uncertainty, shock, confusion.
Sirius inhaled deeply, then began his apologies.
"James. I wanted to say sorry. For what I did. And for not being there last night."
"You should be apologising to Remus mate, not me."
"I have. Wait, he didn't tell you?"
"No? He hasn't said anything. What happened?"
"This morning, I went to see him in the hospital wing. I apologised, explained everything to him. He broke up with me officially. Said he couldn't forgive me." He looked at the ground for the last part.
James looked solemn, which was a rare sight.
"And how do you feel about it all?" he questioned.
"I've been a right bloody mess about it all day. But I've been thinking. Done a lot of that lately, with all my spare time not in detention with you lot," he smiled briefly at this, then continued. "I wanted to thank you, firstly, for saving Snivellus. I don't know that I would have done the same, at the time, but seeing what it's done to Remus even when he made it out has been enough for me. I would never want him to feel the guilt that it would have put him through. And I wanted to apologise for brushing you off at the beginning of it all, you tried to talk to me and I was a right prat. I miss you, so much, and I know nothing will be the same as it was before, but will you please let me try and make it up to you? Remus and I won't be together, but I can't go on being so alone. I need you James, I'm asking as your brother."
"Fuck, Sirius. I missed you too you bloody wanker. Does this mean you'll sit with us again in classes and at meals?"
"I'm not sure I'm ready to face Remus after he broke up with me... but I'll sit with you in class and stop acting like a bloody pillock."
The boys talked some more after that, with James catching Sirius up on everything he had missed in the time they hadn't spoken.
Things would not go back to normal straight away, with the other Marauders still hesitant to open up to Sirius about anything, but being on speaking terms again was a good start.