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I was floating, or falling, or maybe flying? A single shot kept ringing in my ears, and my finger responded by pressing down and shooting a hook into the nearby wall. While my mind wandered, my body responded as it always had. Someone screamed my name, but it was muffled, sounding like a whisper. My right side was warm, as I looked and saw blood covering my shoulder and side.
Fuck.
Then he was there. He grabbed me and broke through the window, setting me down on the floor inside of a trashed apartment.
“Look at me.”
The face in front of me became clearer as the pain on my right side became sharper.
“Levi?”
His handsome face was twisted in concern and panic.
He rarely looks like this, I thought, his face always reflecting his constantly stoic and slightly annoyed mood. Why is he looking at me like that?
I reach out to touch his face, unsure if I’ll actually find a person there. The blood on my fingertips transferring on to his cheek brings me back to reality, and I feel the stab of pain in my shoulder again. I’d feel bad about getting blood on him, knowing how he hates that kind of thing, if it weren’t for that newly demanding pain.
He picks up some rags and wraps the wound as much as he can, to try to stop the bleeding, but I can tell he’s struggling.
“I’ll be fine,” I say, trying to give him a convincing smile, but it’s more like a grimace. “You need to go, I’ll be okay.”
Even though the realization that I’m really not in an okay state rapidly sets in, the look on his face is what really startles me, not my injuries. And then he says,
“I’m sorry.”
And the shock must be apparent on my face. I know that there’s more to those words than simply an apology for the situation I find myself in now.
...
I’ve loved him for years now. And there was a short time where I thought it may be reciprocated. The scouts haven’t had any major missions since Shiganshina, not like this one at least, and in the lull of semi peace, I often found myself in his arms in the dead of night, looking into his sad, intense eyes. It wasn’t a relationship, and it was more of a distraction at first, but it quickly grew into more for me. Levi wasn’t notorious for sleeping around, so I had to wonder, why me? It felt like there had to be a reason. We would talk for hours, and learn so much about each other. He was my best friend, and trusted captain, and it was a treasured friendship above all else. I liked how the younger scouts reacted to my casual teasing and fun with Levi, someone who still scared them, maybe just a little. I got to see the softer side of Levi much more than anyone else. But then, Eren’s plan to attack Marley solidified, and preparations had to be made. It almost felt like the fighting was over for a time, even if it never really was. I could see it in Armin’s and Mikasa’s face, their concern for eren and their anticipation of what is to come. I saw it in Levi too, and it is what kept him still at a distance. I hoped that his moments with me allowed him to forget, at least for a moment. But, even as hopeful as I was, I couldn’t forget about Eren across the sea. As the day of the attack approached, the distance between Levi and I grew. I had a feeling I understood why, but still, it hurt. And it hurt that much more when one night, a month before the mission, I caught him with another scout. Some girl I rarely see. She’s a newer recruit, and even younger than me. It’s not like there are a ton of older scouts for him to choose from anyways, but it still annoyed me. Though, he’s definitely outlived the life expectancy in this line of work. That night made me give up trying. I wasn’t going to chase him. And as I walked away that night, he didn’t chase me, so that was it.
...
My shock at his words quickly turned into anger as I grit my teeth.
“Fuck you, don’t apologize to me. Don’t you dare apologize to me. Go. Finish this. Bring Eren back, save everyone else. Go.”
The look on my face is of anger, but I could feel the tears silently falling down. I don’t want to hear his apology, I don’t want to see this look on his face. I want him to look at me like he has been recently, with that same stoic face. This apology sounds too much like a goodbye.
“I am going, and I’m saving everyone. I’ll send a scout for you.”
His face is no longer panicked, it’s sad I could almost swear his eyes were glistening.
“I’m sorry.” He repeats, “I’m going to finish this. Don’t die on me”
And there’s something in his faraway look, in his new resolution, that instead of placating me terrifies me. The apology doesn’t sound like a goodbye because of my approaching doom, but rather his.
He thinks he might not make it back.
Without thinking I yell, “I hate you! Don’t apologize to me! Don’t...” As the tears fall down without end. I’m tired. So tired. My right side h u r t s. But I can’t let him go, I can’t give him the goodbye he wants. I need him to come back, and this can’t be it. Quietly I repeat, “I hate you....”
I look up at him standing over me as I say this, not knowing what kind of response to expect, when suddenly, he smiles.
But it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I know,” he says. He bends down, grabbing my chin as I started to look away. He gently swipes his thumb over my cheek, brushing a tear away. “I love you.”
And he’s gone.
I stare at the window with my mouth slightly open in disbelief, and listen to the faint sounds of his ODM gear as he zips away. My vision grows darker, and I hear yelling and gunfire and I suddenly become aware of the way the building seems to shake.
Eren is fighting out there. I think.
My exhaustion catches up to me, and I’m starting to feel like I might just rest my eyes for a minute when theres a loud crash right next to me. It’s Jean.
“Shit y/n, wake up!”
He grabs my face roughly, and I look up at him and feign a smile.
“Damn Jean I’m fine, I was just trying to take a little nap,” I rasp.
Then Sasha and a scout you don’t know well crash through the window as well.
“Y/n,” Sasha simply says.
I know I can’t look too good from their reactions. But I don’t quite feel like I’m at deaths door yet, but to be fair I do feel like I may be on his lawn.
“Levi wrapped me up pretty tightly I don’t think I’m losing too much blood right now, don’t worry.” I try to convince them.
Jeans tries to doctor me as he checks for more bleeding. I have some bullet shrapnel in my leg and torso but they’re small wounds that aren’t bleeding much. I became much more aware of them as Jean felt up my right side.
“Fuck Jean I said I’m fine,” I say through gritted teeth.
“You’re definitely not fine, but you’re not dead either.” He seems less worried than when he came in but not by much.
Sasha grabs my hand for a second as we make eye contact and nods. I give her a firm nod back to convince her I’m fine.
“Jean we have to go.” She says firmly.
I nod at him, “we need you out there, you have to go.”
You see the pained look in Jean’s eyes. He’s grown up so much in the past 5 years. You remember how immature he was, and how he grew to care deeply about those around him, even shortly after joining the scouts. He is such a brave and intelligent man now. He would have never reached his potential if he joined the military police. Yet he’d be much safer, and it would have saved him the pain and burden of this life. I’m still thinking about this contradiction when he says,
“Okay. Y/n we’re leaving Christian with you. When the airship comes he’ll take you there.”
I nod at him and try to give him a reassuring smile.
“Thank you” I say. “Go, hurry, and I’ll see you two soon.” All I can do is hope.
They’re gone in an instant, and I realize I’ve caused the scouts too much trouble just by taking up so much of Levi squad’s time already. Not to mention I was unable to finish my part in this. I’m no Mikasa or Levi, but my speed and accuracy are rivaled only by them. They have a power i could never match, that is more than just muscular. It’s the power of the Ackerman clan, and it’s a sight to behold. My speed makes me deadly with the new anti-personal modifications on the ODM gear. Making me very valuable in backing up Jean and Sasha’s team when they went up against the cart titan, keeping enemy fire away from them and taking out the soldiers. And now I can’t even support them in that. Fuck. For all my speed and dexterity of course I get taken out by a single shooter. Pathetic, I think to myself.
I’m mentally abusing myself as this scout named Christian pulls out his canteen to offer me some water. I smile and take a short swig, not wanting to drink up all his water and be even more of a burden. I don’t deserve this special treatment and am almost angry I’m getting it. A scout taken out is a scout taken out, we don’t have enough units to go after every fallen soldier. Yet here I am, with Christian, who honestly looks almost grateful to be out of enemy fire. I can’t even blame him, kid wasn’t ready for this, and would surely die if he was out there now. He takes up a spot by the window sill, hiding from enemy sight but looking out for the airship.
I decide to ask him something that’s been bothering me.
“Why did you guys follow me in here? Did you see me get shot down?” Seemed like it wasn’t likely considering how much time passed between Levi grabbing me and them appearing, but the mental fog made me unsure of a lot of things. Plus, if I didn’t talk to this kid I might sleep, and that’s probably not a good idea considering the state I’m in.
“Well I was following Sasha’s orders when she told me to follow her in here,” he says. “And I realized she was following Jean. I thought I saw Captain Levi yelling at Jean about something before he stormed in but I couldn’t make out what it was. Then Jean jumped through the window and captain Levi had gone ahead.”
So Levi told him to come for me. I couldn’t decide if was thankful or annoyed. Or both. I don’t deserve it, but I’m glad to not be left for dead. I probably couldn’t have made it to the airship by myself. And if he left me and I died here, I couldn’t make sure that he made it back, and I HAD to be sure he would.
“It’s the airship... thank god” he mutters. “Let’s go.” He turns to me to pick me up, and the pain radiates from my right side once again. “Sorry!” He exclaims when he notices my pained reaction. I could almost laugh at his jumpiness if it wasn’t for the excruciating pain in my shoulder.
He pulls me over to the broken window where he gets ready to shoot a hook into the buildings in front of us, before moving to the airship almost above us now. Right before he shoots I see a rifle trained at us on the rooftops across the street. With any strength I can muster i shove him to the left hoping the shot will miss both of us. I yell “MOVE” hoping he won’t resist as we fall to the floor beside the window. The shot misses me barely and I can hear it whiz past my ear. I scream as my body hits the floor with his, and can feel myself close to passing out. My right side is on fire.
I hear Christian yell, “FUCK” as he grabs his gun and uses the window sill as cover to take out the rifle. I’m willing to bet I’m a better shot than him, but I can’t move and am trying my hardest to fight the fog filling my brain and taking away my sight.
I’m unsure how much time passes, but I come to as we’re zipping towards the airship, with my left arm wrapped around Christian as he holds my right hip. His grip hurts like hell, but I know there was no other way to carry me with him. We’re pulled in by Armin and Hange. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see their faces. They look a combination of relieved and concerned, but I can’t think much on this before black overcomes my vision.
Guess I’ll take that nap now.
...
I wake up in a bed in a room that feels like it’s shaking. I’m so dizzy, the room feels like it’s moving, I say under my breath. To my surprise a voice next to me responds, “you dummy it is moving, it’s the turbulence.” I look to my right and there’s horse face himself giving me a wide smile. I think of how he’s forcing it, and how it’s not the same smile I had so loved before. “Jean.” I say my mouth dry.
“Glad to see you made it out in one piece, you were pretty beat up when I saw you”
“Yeah well,” I whisper, my throat feeling too rough, “I’m glad to see your ass survived without my backup, maybe I should just retire now that you don’t need me.”
“Hah! Don’t tell me you’re upset that us in the 104th have surpassed you.”
“you wish” I respond, staring at the ceiling too tired to say much else.
Jean notices, and his face softens as he says “you should rest, that really was too close of a call.” I turn back to look at him and ask,
“Eren?”
Jean replies, “He’s coming home with us”
I look back at the ceiling, happy to hear the news. But my mind wanders back to what I’ve been thinking since I woke up, and there’s no way I can not ask him.
Without turning to him I say, “and Levi?”
I can hear his sigh and the way he turns his body away from me.
“Levi is fine, he took out the beast titan”
I let out a breath. Thank you, thank you thank you thank you. I don’t even realize I’m saying it faintly out loud.
“Don’t thank me.” Jean says. “The man is a force of nature, so powerful it’s scary.” He pauses and looks back at me. “If I didn’t already know you were insane I wouldn’t understand your affection for him.”
I look at him and there’s a hint of a smile there. I reach out and grab his hand. Wincing, as I realize my right arm is not in good shape. He gently grasps it and gets up. “Keep resting, I’ll come get you when we arrive” he releases my hand and I watch him leave the room.
Jean. I really was so happy to see he was okay. To feel him next to me. There’s a part of my heart for those closest to me, and he and some of the other scouts occupy it. But we both know it’s not the part of my heart that’s Levi’s. When Levi hurt me. I turned to Jean. I never meant to hurt him, but I’d be lying if i said I didn’t know I was using him. Jean knew it too, and accepted it for some time. I don’t think Jean loves me, but he did start to resent the part of my heart that was only Levi’s. I didn’t want to lose the friend that he was, so we called it quits. But on lonely nights I still found myself in Jean’s arms, when I knew I couldn’t go to Levi’s.
Maybe it’s cruel, but I’ve never considered myself a saint.