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Snow fell lightly to the streets of Seoul. It was beginning to pile up around the front door of the shop, and surely, Jaeyoon would have to shovel it aside eventually, but he won’t. He’ll let it fall in with every customer, watch it melt into the carpet, and will mop up the watery remains when the carpet is too wet.
His little jewellery shop is hidden away from the main streets, but somehow, someway, people find their way here. He’s lucky to have such a steady flow of customers, but today is one where he wishes he could close up the shop and sit by the front window with a cup of yuja tea to watch the snowdrift to the pavements.
Incidentally, that’s not the only thing he’d watch from the window. Across from his shop, across the small lane, is a cosmetics shop—Innisfree. He’s never been quite sure why they moved in across the street when there are many more places that would suit better, but he’s decided that perhaps it’s fate. Seokwoo stares at him from the window of the shop. Of course, it’s not actually Seokwoo. Rather it’s a photograph of him from one of his numerous Innisfree shoots and it’s been stuck to the window. He’s grinning, gesturing to one of their products, and there’s seemingly a glint in his eyes.
Today is the anniversary of when they began to date many moons ago, but also the anniversary of their break-up.
Jaeyoon figures it would be quite a boring retelling by now. Only his closest friends know about his famous ex who broke up with him on Christmas day and their anniversary. He knows that Inseong will show up at his door later with some food and a movie that will quell any of Jaeyoon’s sorrows, but today, he feels especially nostalgic and finds he wants to go down memory lane.
So, as the sky darkens and the snow continues to fall, Jaeyoon texts Inseong and tells him not to come over later and instead spend the evening with Youngbin, his boyfriend and also Jaeyoon’s friend.
It feels selfish to take Inseong’s time away on Christmas when he could be spending it with Youngbin.
Inserting the key and turning it at 6 pm, Jaeyoon plays with the ideas swirling around in his head of where he should visit first. With a light growl of his stomach, he chooses to go to Myeongdong first to buy some street food—what had been a regular date-place for Seokwoo and him. Jaeyoon’s been there since, but not alone.
He clears any apprehension from his mind when he steps onto the subway and by the time he steps off again, he’s ready to eat food instead of apprehension.
Sweet and warm smells drift about Jaeyoon as he walks by the food stalls, looking out for something yummy. He ends up buying perhaps too much food, but in the end, his hunger is stated and he feels a bit like an owl, burrowing it’s head into the soft down of its coat, cosy and safe. Taking the last bite of his hotteok, he goes to throw the paper away only to be faced with Seokwoo once again. The Innisfree in Myeongdong is huge, fake ivy covering the side of the shop and only letting small patches of light leak from the shop. At the foot of the building there’s another Seokwoo, this time pointing to a product in his other hand and doing that thing with his lips that is neither a smile nor a frown.
“Stop pulling that face,” Jaeyoon scoffs playfully at Seokwoo who bats his eyes innocently.
“What face? Oh~ This one?” He pulls that exact face, the playful one that infuriates Jaeyoon but not because he hates it, rather because he adores it. “You’ll have to kiss it off me, I’m afraid.”
Jaeyoon wants to growl and walk away in frustration at Seokwoo’s playful challenge. Instead, he fits his fingers around the lapels of Seokwoo’s coat and drags him in, guiding their lips together.
Jaeyoon kisses Seokwoo with ferocity and teeth. Seokwoo gasps into his mouth and twines his fingers through his hair, melting into it and letting Jaeyoon lead the kiss.
They break the kiss, leaning their foreheads together. Panting, Seokwoo says, “Let’s go to mine.”
Jaeyoon places a softer kiss to his lips and takes Seokwoo’s fingers from his hair to thread them with his. “Let’s,” he breathes.
A girl shouts behind him, breaking Jaeyoon from his thoughts. With an exhale he leaves Myeongdong and goes to COEX Mall. He promised his mother that he’d buy her that perfume she adores and figures he can kill two birds with one stone.
COEX, strangely enough, is where they met.
It’s a huge place. Sleek and fresh in design and brimming with people. Inside, Starfield library is the place of many memories for Jaeyoon. Seokwoo, being a trainee for SM Entertainment at the time, used to spend his free time—he didn’t have much—looking for books. Or perhaps, for a friend.
Jaeyoon had reached up for a book. He could see it, right up there. And yet, he just wasn’t tall enough to reach it. Jaeyoon wasn’t short by any means, these shelves were just vast and taller than they should be for practicality. Then again, the library wasn’t designed for practicality. It was designed to be beautiful and elegant, and that’s exactly how Jaeyoon remembers it. It’s also how he remembers that arm that swooped up and up and up and grabbed the book—Jaeyoon’s book—off the shelf.
Jaeyoon’s eyes had laid themselves on Seokwoo. Young and gorgeous Seokwoo who had stolen Jaeyoon’s heart right at that moment. With a “Was this the book you wanted?” Jaeyoon knew he was a goner.
Now, Jaeyoon looks back up at that same shelf, nostalgia filling him, tainted with remorse. He still can’t reach the books on that shelf, but this time, he doesn’t have anyone who’ll help him reach it, who’ll help him take the book from the shelf. No smiling eyes, or blushed cheeks to admire.
Jaeyoon helps a little girl take a book from one of the shelves as a consolation to himself. Much to his dismay, she calls him ‘ahjussi’ as if he looks that old, but her giggles make him smile and so he wishes her a good time reading and turns to search for the perfume.
He gets lost when he’s trying to leave the Mall and somehow ends up around the entrance of SM Entertainment. Once again, he’s faced with Seokwoo. This time he’s blown up on a huge LED screen. Advertisement after advertisement plays with no respite. Jaeyoon told himself that he’d only watch until Seokwoo disappears but it seems SM is particularly proud of him today. Jaeyoon sits, torturing himself, but he supposes…
Jaeyoon sighs to himself, the tendrils of his hot breath mingle with the cold air until it succumbs to the cold and is swallowed.
Today, he wanted to do all this as a way of saying goodbye to Seokwoo. His heart has weathered many storms because this heartbreak and maybe now it’s time to say farewell and move on. However, he feels as if it’s done nothing to ease the pain and has instead fanned the flames so much that… Maybe Jaeyoon can’t say goodbye.
To say goodbye to Seokwoo, he’d have to say goodbye to all the memories that he cherishes with the man and he can’t stand to lose those as well.
“Do you think of me, Seokwoo?” he asks the LED screen silently, so silent that it’s barely a whisper. Insipid voices slither into his mind saying, “Why would he think of you?” and “He’s busy. Too busy to hang onto thoughts that would weigh him down”. He’d usually reject them, but perhaps they’re right. It’s been 4 years, his career is at its peak, and he’s loved by the nation. Why should he care about Jaeyoon who can’t let go of a past love? Who still lingers on it, clings to the memories like a pathetic loser?
“He broke my heart. Why do I still love him?” he whispers to himself.
Finally, the advertisement changes to something that is in no way related to Seokwoo and Jaeyoon tears his eyes away from the screen.
It’s time to go home.
It’s grown far later than 6 pm and the subway is near-empty, allowing Jaeyoon to sink into one of the heated seats for his trip back to the shop. His apartment sits upon the shop which his grandmother had left to him. She’d gotten it through gambling in Busan and had moved her jewellery business to Seoul as a result. Jaeyoon had adored visiting her back then and when she left the shop to him after her death, he’d known that he should continue running it. No one else had an interest in running it in any case, and he had no other plans after finishing up his military service. It seemed like the best decision.
His stop is called out and he lifts himself from the seat, mourning its heat, and trudges back to the shop. His limbs are sore after sitting in the cold for so long. Perhaps he could run a bath. It’s been a while since he’d had one.
Jaeyoon slows as he nears the shop, surprised at the tall figure looking up at his apartment. The laneway isn’t lit well at this time and so Jaeyoon continues to walk closer and closer until his feet stick to the pavement, his heart falls to the floor.
“Seokwoo?”
Said man turns his head, eyes wide under the baseball cap. His mouth is concealed by a black mask, but Jaeyoon can almost picture the jaw slacked panic on his lips.
Seokwoo looks good—he’s an idol for god’s sake, of course he does, Jaeyoon silently berates himself—but in the 4 years that Jaeyoon hasn’t seen him, up close like this, he can see the small, minute details that have changed. Tiny crows feet, barely noticeable, settle at the corners of his eyes. The tan, hip-length coat he’s wearing seems tight around his biceps, which could be attributed to layers of clothes to fight the cold, but Jaeyoon knows he’s gotten buffer for some recent acting roles. He’s been rumoured to have dipped his toes in the action genre and his hench figure reflects that.
Every time Jaeyoon has imagined something like this, he’s imagined running away, or shouting, or bursting into tears. Somehow, though, he feels calm right now as if the cold had not only numbed his body, but also his heart.
“Would you like to come in?” Jaeyoon asks after a moment of silence where Seokwoo stood gawking at him, and Jaeyoon stood inspecting Seokwoo.
With a jerky nod from Seokwoo, Jaeyoon unlocks the door to the shop, stepping through and gesturing for Seokwoo to do the same.
Jaeyoon leads them through the shop, and up the stairs to his apartment where he begins to shed his coat, scarf and hat. Seokwoo does the same, sliding his feet into the guest slippers when he’s finished.
Jaeyoon potters to the kitchen, beginning to boil water for tea, and fetching two cups from the cupboard. A few steps away, he hears Seokwoo clear his throat.
“Your place still looks the same,” he says, his eyes sweeping around the apartment.
“Yeah, I haven’t really seen the need to change it much.” Jaeyoon reaches into a lower cupboard in the kitchen, pulling out a bag of cat food. “There has been one change though.” He smiles at Seokwoo as he shakes the bag. “Ae-Cha yah! Come eat!”
Seokwoo gapes as a calico cat slinks out of one of the doors of the apartment, meowing at the sound of food.
“I thought you were afraid of cats?” Seokwoo says, staring with interest as Jaeyoon strokes Ae-Cha as she eats.
“I was, but… Ae-Cha was hungry and meowing outside the shop door. I was going to give her to a friend after a while, but I just couldn’t. I’d grown too attached.” Ae-Cha purrs as Jaeyoon scratches behind her ear. “Now she’s my little fur-baby. Aren’t you?” he coos, smiling brighter when she chirps up at him.
Ae-Cha had shown up at his door a few months after the break-up and it almost felt like she was sent to him. So he wouldn’t feel so lonely after Seokwoo’s departure from his life.
Jaeyoon made them both tea, asking Seokwoo if he minded having yuja tea which he didn’t. He hands the cup to Seokwoo and they sit on the beige couch in Jaeyoon’s living room.
Jaeyoon waits, deciding that Seokwoo must have a reason to be here and therefore he should be the first to talk. After many false starts, breaths, sighs, Jaeyoon grows impatient.
“Why are you here, Seokwoo?” It sounds callous to Jaeyoon’s ears, and Seokwoo flinches a little.
Seokwoo swallows his mouthful of tea, places it on the coffee table in front of him and looks into Jaeyoon’s eyes. Jaeyoon lifts an eyebrow at him.
“I’d like to try to mend things with you. If we get back together then… All the better—”
Jaeyoon places his cup onto the coffee table hard, causing the tea to slosh over the lip on the mug, and cuts Seokwoo with his stare.
“Seokwoo,” he says, venom curling under his tongue. “In case you forgot, you broke up with me because you wanted to focus on your career. Why has that changed now? Do you think you can drop me and pick me back up when it’s convenient for you? You broke my heart, Seokwoo.”
“I know, Jaeyoon, and I regret it so much,” Seokwoo says, pain etched into his words. “I—” A harsh sigh. “It wasn’t my idea, and I regret it so much.”
“What do you mean it wasn’t your idea?”
Seokwoo shoulders, covered in a cashmere blue jumper, drop. “My manager found out that we were dating and he said… He told me to break up with you.”
Silence fills the room as Jaeyoon digests the information. Ae-Cha is the only one making noise in the room, the metal pendant on her collar brushing against the food bowl, her little chews making an audible crunching noise.
“What has changed now? Why have you decided to show up now?” Jaeyoon asks, voice softer than the harsh venom of a few moments before. He wraps his cardigan closer to his body.
“I told them,” Seokwoo begins slowly. “That I have someone I love and that I wouldn’t allow them to set me up with anyone. The agency wanted to set me up with an actress but I told them I couldn’t pretend to be in love with someone when there’s someone I already love dearly. It would feel like a lie.”
“But you act as a living. How would that be any different?”
“Because it wouldn’t be you and I’d be miserable wondering what if? What if I hadn’t broken up with you? What if we were still happily together and I didn’t have to be in love with someone I’m not in love with.” Seokwoo reaches for Jaeyoon’s hands, holding them between his own and inching closer on the couch so they were centimetres apart. “I don’t want to live a lie, Jaeyoon. Not if I have the chance. Would you give me another chance?”
Jaeyoon could say no. He could say no and move on with his life and never have to deal with the stress of dating an idol. But, this wasn’t just about dating an idol. This was about dating Seokwoo and a few hours ago, he never thought he’d get a chance like this ever again.
“Okay,” Jaeyoon replies, nodding his head slowly. “But on one condition.”
“Anything.” Hope fills Seokwoo’s eyes.
“If anything happens that might get in the way of our relationship, you tell me and we talk about it. I can’t lose you like I did last time, Seokwoo.”
Seokwoo brings a hand up to Jaeyoon’s face, cupping his cheek and brushing the cheekbone with his thumb. “Of course, Yoonie.” His eyes roam Jaeyoon’s face. “God, you’re even more beautiful than I remember.”
Jaeyoon grabs a cushion from behind him, lightly smacking Seokwoo with it. “I swear to god Kim Seokwoo. If I have to listen to you say corny shit like that all the time, I might just go crazy.”
“Well, you could say, I drive you crazy with my love for you~” Seokwoo retaliates, doing that thing with his lips.
Jaeyoon lets out a noise of anguish and swoops in, crashing his lips into Seokwoo’s and savouring the old taste. Jaeyoon ends up straddling Seokwoo on the couch, pushing the man further into the cushions in his desire. Nothing could break this pure bliss, nothing expect—
Ae-Cha runs up the back of the couch and begins to play with Seokwoo’s hair as it lays flat against the fabric. Jaeyoon and Seokwoo begin to laugh into the kiss, pulling away for Jaeyoon to settle down beside Seokwoo, dragging Ae-Cha into his lap. She squirms in his hands, wanting to play rather than be held.
“Ae-Cha, say hello to Seokwoo,” Jaeyoon says as he pets her, hoping she’ll settle down. She continues to squirm and with a sigh, Jaeyoon lets her go only for her to begin making biscuits out of Seokwoo’s leg.
They laugh at her antics, and cuddle against each other.
They have a lot left to talk about, but for now, they’re content to sit here and catch up.
“I guess those rumours about the action movie were right, huh?” Jaeyoon remarks later, pushing his fingers into the solid flesh of Seokwoo’s arm.
“You always were teasing me to beef up,” Seokwoo considers, brightening at a thought. His lap was free with Ae-Cha having moved to her bed beside the couch and so he stood. At Jaeyoon’s questioning look, he lifted the other man from the couch, laughing at his yelp. “And now, I can lift you.”
“Perfect for when I fall asleep on the couch! And well… You know,” Jaeyoon says, blushing.
“Oh, I know~”
They finish the remainder of their tea and Seokwoo leaves late into the night, calling for a taxi.
As Jaeyoon kisses him goodbye and watches him walk away to the main road, he says quietly to himself, “I guess he was thinking of me.”
Can’t you think of me once more
For the last time?
I want us to have the same hearts once again
Before I let us go
Days I loved you so much
Forever, I’ll be here
fin.