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“Okay, Sehun, okay.” Kyungsoo hushes the baby in his arms, gently swaying as he paces back and forth in the living room. It’s only been four months since he’s given birth, eight or so since he and Baekhyun moved out of their apartment and into a home of their own, and although he knew it would be exhausting, nothing could have prepared him for this. Breastfeeding three times a day, changing diapers, playing and putting him to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night to soothe him back to bed… it’s a full-time job on its own as far as Kyungsoo is concerned, even harder when Baekhyun isn’t there to lessen the burden. Recently, it’s been worse. With Kyungsoo staying at home to take care of Sehun, Baekhyun has had to work more throughout the week. Kyungsoo isn’t sure how either of them are managing, but he knows that, at least for him, it’s barely.
Sehun won’t stop crying. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what’s wrong. He’s already tried feeding him, and just a minute ago he checked his diaper but found that it was clean. Now he’s just walking in circles, trying to get him to stop.
“Shh… it’s okay, Sehun. It’s okay.” Kyungsoo does one more lap around the coffee table, praying in his head and swaying him once more. When he reaches the couch he sits down, the exhaustion suddenly unbearable. “Please, Sehun. Please. I don’t know what you want. I’m so tired. Please stop crying.” He’s begging now, and he’s going to cry too if Sehun doesn’t stop because as he thought, he isn’t meant for this at all. How can he do this from now on? It’s been four months and he still feels way in over his head. Every time Baekhyun leaves for work it’s like another wave of anxiety that doesn’t stop until he falls asleep in some awkward position by the crib, the only kind of sleep he can get when every time he lays down he worries about whether Sehun is okay. If Baekhyun isn’t there, he can’t sleep. If he’s lucky, Junmyeon or Minseok or Jongdae will be over to help, but that isn’t often especially when Kyungsoo refuses to ask until he’s at his wits end. He knows he should ask for help. But when he needs help all the time, every day, asking for help becomes too much. Besides, he’s Sehun’s father. He should be able to handle at least this much. Instead he’s on the couch, having a breakdown because Sehun keeps crying and he doesn’t know what to do.
If only Baekhyun were here. He’s always been better with Sehun than Kyungsoo, so patient and loving, always knowing the right thing to do. At this point Kyungsoo isn’t even praying for Sehun to stop. He just wants Baekhyun home now.
As if the universe heard him, the front door clicks and Kyungsoo hears it open.
“Hey, babe, I’m home… sounds like Sehun’s having a tantrum.” Baekhyun’s smiling as he always is when he returns, slipping off his shoes, but when he sees Kyungsoo’s expression he frowns. “Hey… what’s wrong?”
Kyungsoo shakes his head. He hates that he’s like this. Even though Baekhyun is probably exhausted he still comes home like it’s all he’s wanted to do, yet Kyungsoo can’t greet him with that same smile. Baekhyun sits beside him and cups the side of his face, wiping the tears underneath his eyes as he leans in to kiss his forehead. He doesn’t say anything. When he moves as if to take Sehun Kyungsoo passes him wordlessly, and there Baekhyun begins his magic, speaking softly to him and smiling and hurting Kyungsoo’s heart because really, he’s such a good father and Kyungsoo isn’t sure he could ever compare. Eventually Sehun quiets and Baekhyun turns his attention to his fiance, tilting his head to chase Kyungsoo’s avoiding eyes.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t look okay to me.”
Kyungsoo feels his eyes water again but he holds it back, shaking his head. He stands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t get to make dinner. I’ll go now if you’re okay with holding Sehun…”
“Kyungsoo. Stop.”
Instantly, Kyungsoo obeys the command. It’s been years of them being together, but maybe it’s the fact that Baekhyun rarely tells Kyungsoo to do anything that when he does the alpha’s voice is like his own in his mind.
“Come here, Kyungja.”
Baekhyun’s speaking softer now but Kyungsoo listens anyway, taking Sehun when Baekhyun gently coaxes him to. Then he’s wrapping his arms around him, and Kyungsoo is taking in a shuddering breath with his forehead against his shoulder, and Baekhyun is saying, “It’s okay.”
“I’m so tired,” Kyungsoo confesses. It comes out as a sob. Baekhyun nods. I know. “I don’t… I can’t…”
“Shh… it’s okay. You don’t have to explain. Just let it out.”
“I can’t be a parent,” Kyungsoo says. Baekhyun shakes his head, but he plows through. “I feel like every day it’s taking my energy. Everything. Just feeding Sehun feels exhausting. And you’re doing so much but you’re still taking care of Sehun better than I am and I can’t even cook a stupid dinner for you because I can’t get Sehun to stop crying and my head hurts so much and I hate complaining to you because you’re always working and on top of that you barely get any sleep too. But you’re still keeping it together better than I am. I wasn’t meant to do this. I don’t know why I thought I could.”
Baekhyun waits, but Kyungsoo is done. He kisses the side of his head, then his ear, then leans back to kiss all over his face. Once he’s finished he presses his lips gently against Kyungsoo’s eyelids, each one, and Kyungsoo feels the remaining tears slip down his cheeks as they look at each other.
“Baby. You’ve been doing so, so well.” Baekhyun’s expression becomes impossibly soft when Kyungsoo’s eyes water again. He smiles. “I promise. It’s not easy to be a parent, Kyungja. You’re telling me I’m keeping it together, but that’s only because I’m not in your position. I hate leaving you alone with Sehun because I know it’s hard on you. Not because you can’t do it,” Baekhyun says before Kyungsoo can say a thing, “but because I know it’s hard for anyone to do alone. You haven’t been sleeping well, have you? You always tell me to go back to sleep because I have work the next day whenever Sehun wakes up in the middle of the night.”
Kyungsoo can’t muster the energy to do anything but look at him and listen. Baekhyun continues.
“I know you love Sehun. I think maybe you’re scared that you don’t love him enough and that’s why you feel like this. Maybe I’m wrong, but if that’s a part of it I know you love him. That’s not the problem. You just need to take more care of yourself. And I need to take more care of you.” Baekhyun leans in and nuzzles his nose against Kyungsoo’s. “I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you and Sehun recently. I know you’ve been trying to do more because I’m taking on more hours, but you already have a lot on your plate. All this added stress isn’t good for you.”
“Baekhyun…”
“Wait. One last thing.” Baekhyun stops him. “For anyone. Even me. Even Jongdae. It’s not easy to take care of a baby. Sometimes Sehun won’t stop crying but when I take him he does. And sometimes he won’t stop crying but when you take him he does. It’s not about if I’m better or not. We’re both his parents. We’re both important to him. So don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?”
Kyungsoo doesn’t know. But he does feel that he’s too tired to cry now. He just wants to sleep right where he is, in Baekhyun’s arms. “Okay.”
“I bought some takeout on the way home,” Baekhyun says, rubbing his back when Kyungsoo leans against his shoulder. “Are you hungry? I can go set the table.”
“I’m tired,” Kyungsoo says. Sehun stirs in his arms and even though he’s exhausted he pulls back to kiss him carefully on the head. Baekhyun is smiling at him lovingly when he looks up.
“Okay. I’ll take Sehun and bring him upstairs. Do you want to sleep?”
Kyungsoo isn’t sure he has the energy to make a decision anymore. “I don’t know.”
“Okay.” Baekhyun takes Sehun and stands. “Wait here. I’ll be back.”
He watches him go and leans back on the couch, closing his eyes. When he next wakes up it’s to the jolt of Baekhyun tripping on the stairs and the quiet fuck that follows. He’s carrying him, looking straight ahead so as not to fall. Kyungsoo stares up at his face.
“I ran a bath for you, but if you want to sleep instead I’ll take you to bed.”
A bath. Kyungsoo can’t remember the last time he’d had one; it feels like recently all he’s managed were short showers at night. “I’ll take a bath then,” Kyungsoo says. “Let me down. I can walk.”
“We’re already here,” Baekhyun says. He lowers him to the ground. “Will you be okay?”
Kyungsoo laughs a little, but it hurts so much with how much he loves him, just needs his voice to make it through the day. He pulls off his shirt, says, “I’m not a baby. I can do this much.”
“Okay. Call me if you need anything.”
He turns to leave but Kyungsoo catches his wrist, shirt falling to the ground. He’ll let him go. After. “Thank you.”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. He puts a hand on Kyungsoo’s and squeezes. “Of course.”