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There were nights, even still, where Lucas found himself unable to sleep. They were fine, really - as safe as they could be, but he still found himself walking the halls of the bunker long after everyone had gone to sleep. It was a slow pace this time, and he leaned more heavily on his cane. His leg was bothering him, and the scarred skin around his eye felt tight: nothing he wasn’t used to, but just enough to keep him awake. Lucas hadn’t planned on going anywhere in particular, he only knew that he couldn’t sleep. As uncomfortable as it was, even his slow gait helped to settle his nerves as the echoing tap of his cane beat a staccato rhythm against the background of the bunker’s humming ventilation system.
He hadn’t expected to end up in the dining area. He hadn’t expected that he wouldn’t be the only one awake at this hour.
What was there to say? Words came slowly between them, haltingly, after all these years. But standing in the doorway felt somehow worse, like he was intruding on something private. Lucas felt an ache in his chest so strongly that it seemed to knock the wind out of him as he took in Yuugo’s tense posture, wound up so tight it looked like he could break at any moment. His shoulders were drawn up, and it seemed like his elbows, braced against the table, were the only thing keeping him from folding further inwards on himself. Both of Yuugo’s hands were knotted tightly in his hair, obscuring most of his face.
“Can’t sleep either?” was what he settled on.
Yuugo startled more violently than Lucas would’ve thought possible for someone who spent as much time hunting in the wild demons’ territory as he did. His hands came crashing down onto the table, shaking, as he took in the source of the quiet words.
He looked up with more fear in his wide eyes than Lucas ever wanted to see again. The ache in his chest squeezed harder, like the sudden fluttery jolt of someone missing the last step when going down a flight of stairs.
“What’s wrong?” He tried again, pushing past it.
“You’re...you’re here. Right? Lucas?” The rasping whisper cut through the silence.
Lucas took a step forward without realizing it. “I’m here, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m not imagining - ...you’re not just...in my head, right?”
“I’m right here, I swear.” Another slow step. “Did...was it a dream? Or did you...y’know, see them again?” Them. Jatte. Viviana. Nicholas. Dina. John.
“No...that’s - that’s not it.” The wobbly attempt at a smile did absolutely nothing for the ache in Lucas’ chest, and suddenly it seemed so much harder to take another step.
“Bad night?” He tried again.
“It...should be different now, right? ...I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be the only one left. And - now I’m not, but...why doesn’t it feel any different?”
Lucas felt another jolt. Why couldn’t he speak? Couldn’t he at least offer comfort - that was what he was supposed to be good at, right?
“If I let my thoughts run on for too long, they just kind of…” Yuugo drifted off, gesturing vaguely with his hands. He returned them to his lap, looking down at the table before him.
“...I care about these kids as much as you do. I have something to live for now, so why do I still want to die?”
Lucas’ cane clattered against the chair as he dropped it, sliding down a bit before catching against the cracked wooden arm. He didn’t notice, already halfway across the distance that separated them.
He’d seen children - actual children, far younger than either of them - turn their weapons on themselves after learning the truth about their world. He knew that, while the past thirteen years hadn’t been kind to his body, it was Yuugo’s mind that had been...worn down, shaken by the constant weight of fresh wounds unable to heal.
Lucas knew what he was supposed to say, he knew the right words, but somewhere between his mind and his lips they got stopped up. Were they even the right words? He found himself awkwardly bumping shoulders with Yuugo, pulling the man around to face him. He was unsteady, so he shifted his weight off his bad leg and leaned back against the table.
His arm found its way across Yuugo’s shoulders: a warm, solid weight. Lucas started rubbing slow circles into his back, knotted and tense as it was. The second Yuugo realized what was happening he fell forward, his forehead knocking against Lucas’ collarbone and his arms coming up to wrap around the other man’s waist: tight, like he was reaching for every square inch of physical contact he could get, like Lucas would disappear right in front of him if he didn’t get enough.
And then he started talking: faltering and with a shaking voice, but at least the words were coming.
“How the hell are these kids still trying? After everything? It’s…terrifying, to have just a little bit of hope. I don’t know what to do with it anymore.” One hand tightened around the fabric of Lucas’ shirt.
“Does that even make sense? ...I’m so tired, and sometimes I just don’t see the point - can we really make this work? Do we really have a chance? It’s so hard to...even fight for that chance, I’m so tired, Lucas…”
He felt a damp spot growing on the front of his shirt as Yuugo’s voice broke. Lucas moved his hand up to twist into Yuugo’s hair - in the dim light, he could hardly tell the grey pieces apart from the rest. He thought again of the children at Goldy Pond, the ones before he’d decided to lie, to create a dream for them, a hope of a human settlement. The times he’d wrestled a gun or a knife from the hands of a child less than half his size, barely a teen if even that - and the times he hadn’t seen it coming. Neither were common, but it wasn’t the kind of thing you forgot.
His thoughts returned to the present, to the man sniffling into his shirt and coughing out choked-back sobs like he was going to be sick. Which he might, actually, Lucas remembered that Yuugo had always been the type to get nauseous if he was anxious or upset enough, even when they were children.
He moved his fingers through Yuugo’s hair, slowly, with enough pressure against his scalp to provide a distraction, to give him a chance to even out his breathing. Maybe. Lucas found himself taking deep breaths, hoping the man pressed against him could feel them enough to mirror them.
There had to be something he should say, some words that were the right ones. This wasn’t the same as those children in their little windmill - well, it was, but it was also so different. Would words even help at all?
“I’m so tired.” he’d said.
Lucas knew the feeling, the temptation to just stop fighting, but he’d always been able to push it aside until it passed. He couldn’t imagine how it must feel to be consumed by it.
Yuugo was talking again, his voice hoarse and still muffled into Lucas’ chest. “You built a damn revolution in the past thirteen years. You saved people, you actually...you changed things. I just sat in this shitty bunker and tried to forget I was alive.”
His hand stopped, still lingering in the mess of black and white curls. “I can’t blame you. Damn, I think I got the better end of it, between the two of us.”
“You don’t have to say that. It wasn’t easy for you either.”
Lucas sighed. Which words were the right ones? “I don’t...know if it helps, but - when you’re left alone with your thoughts, right? That’s what you said? Would it help to have a distraction? To just ride it out? Nights are always the worst time to be stuck in your own head.”
“Yeah. It could - I don’t… Nights are the worst, huh?” He choked out the words, fist tightening further in Lucas’ shirt.
“Do you want to talk? Or just…?”
“My...throat kind of hurts now. But I don’t...I don’t want to deal with silence right now.”
“Okay. I’ll talk, then. You just stay right here.”
So Lucas talked, in the same quiet voice he’d learned to calm down the kids. He talked about everything - their gardens, a story from Oliver’s childhood, how the weather would affect their hunting, something Ray had said at breakfast the day before. He didn’t let himself stop, didn’t think about the next morning or anything that came after, about everything they had to worry about still. All the while, he kept combing his hand through Yuugo’s hair. It must have been almost an hour before he stopped talking.
It was Yuugo who broke the silence next. “...Y’know, there’s a reason those brats look up to you so much, why they were willing to die for you. You’re good at this kind of thing, you...always know what to say.”
Lucas blinked. “No, I...just kind of said whatever I thought of. I’m glad it helped.”
“Damn, look at us getting all sappy.”
“Isn’t it a little late to be pointing that out?” Lucas thought for a moment. “Do you… Would you rather we talk in the morning, or - do you want me to stay in your room tonight?”
As if it wasn’t practically their shared room by now.
“Yeah, that… That would be good.”
“Alright - ah, can you…?” Lucas looked across the room.
“Right, sorry, one second.” Yuugo jumped to his feet, reaching for the cane that had at some point fallen to the floor. With his other hand he pulled Lucas to his feet, helped him find his balance. They leaned on each other, even after Lucas had taken his cane. It was nicer that way, neither of them really wanted to move.
“Fuck. My face hurts.” Yuugo passed one hand over his face, screwing his eyes shut.
“What?”
“My fuckin’ face hurts from crying.” It was barely a laugh, but it was something.
“That’s not...how that works. That’s not a thing that happens, right?” Lucas found himself smiling a little too.
“Ah, shut up, it’s not like you weren’t crying too.”
It was true, of course. Lucas was thankful that the only light was coming from the hallway.
“You spent all that time dealing with me. I’m doing okay - don't look at me like that, I've been worse - so, what’s keeping you up tonight?”
“Oh...it’s nothing serious, don’t worry. My leg is just a bit sore, I couldn’t get to sleep.”
“Shit, you should’ve mentioned that sooner. Anything I can do?” He reached one arm around Lucas’ waist to help take a bit more weight off his bad leg.
“It’s fine, just...can you help me back to the room? I’ll probably be awake a few more hours until it passes - it’s predictable by now, really. Don’t worry about staying up, I’m sure you could use the rest."
"Not a chance.” Yuugo stopped in the hallway. Now that they were under brighter lights, it wasn’t hard for either of them to tell how tired the other was. Still, he shook his head. “I’ll keep you company. To help ride it out, right?”