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Julian could hear the pounding beat of his own heart in his ears, like the ticking countdown of a clock, like running out of time.
Beat. Beat. Beat.
He heard the sound of a disruptor roaring in his ears and a sharp cry of pain. Desperately he spun towards Garak as Jadzia slammed against the wall, phaser pointed back down the hall. His vision tunnelled in horror as Garak was sliding against the wall, burns in his clothes and chest.
No, no, no, no, no oh God no!!
His hands found the thick cloth of Garaks clothes and he clung to him, the smell of burnt flesh near overwhelming his senses.
"Doctor… I'm afraid I won't be able to have lunch with you today…"
Beat. Beat. Beat.
The words barely registered but sounded so loud at the same time with the pounding of his heart. Quiet, yet screaming. Hands were still clutching at Julian as Garak slumped against the bulkhead. Mere moments before Julian had been smiling and joking with the other man about the deception pulled against the Jem'hadar and now… Now he could barely breathe past his own looming panic and horror.
Garak… Oh God no, Garak, Garak your burning, your burning. I have to help…
Garak was slumped wrong, this wasn't the still breathing slump of unconsciousness. This was the too still slump of a finality Julian didn't want, no, couldn't, accept. The smell of burnt fibre and flesh crawled further into his nose while panic and anguish tore at his heart.
The hand clutching at his arm pulled more firmly, trying to pull him upright and somewhere in the distance of his internal maelstrom he registered a warm voice.
"We've got to go, come on."
He was half pulled upright, staggering while trying to find his feet but he couldn't tear away his eyes from his friend. Time lost all meaning and the beat in his head became meaningless. A hand was on his shoulder and he felt himself being pulled down the corridor, a steady grip still on his arm. Time blurred further still and everything felt wildly distant and hazed out of focus. There was the sound of phaser fire somewhere behind him but all he heard was the echo of a disruptor and the last words of a simple tailor over and over in his head.
———
Julian stepped out into the promenade, bag slung over his shoulder and banging awkwardly against his hip as he walked. He felt exhausted, wrung out and ruined. The uneasy trip back on the Defiant hadn't been enough time for him to regain his sense of self. Just a simulation kept dancing around his head, accompanied by the smell of burnt skin and final words. It was times like this that his augmented, perfect memory was an especially ugly curse. The memory looping over and over along with his own desperate whisper of " just a simulation… just a simulation" while he choked on imagined scents and the racing of his heart.
On the trip home the others had talked to him, Dax full of kindness, Sisko with encouraging words. He'd said he was fine, did his best to hide how unnerved he felt. It wasn't like death was anything new to him, he'd lost patients before from injuries, sickness and age. This… This though was far more personal, this was someone he cared about and… Best not finish that thought.
He hadn't realised he'd stopped walking. Standing awkwardly in the middle of the promenade, people flowing around him, he mumbled an apology to a Bajoran lugging entirely too much cargo as they tried to avoid him.
Keep moving, just get back home and sleep. Pretend that's going to help.
Beat. Beat. Beat.
Desperately he tried to focus on the metronome of his own heart.
He sighed and dragged a hand down his face, shifted his bag slightly and continued walking. Admittedly the promenade was a nice distraction, it was midday rush and it was bustling with activity which gave him plenty to focus on. The number of people walking past, the rise and fall of conversation. He passed the various stalls, Quarks, the infirmary… determined to stride confidently past the one place he desperately wanted to enter as if to prove to himself everything was fine and no need to check that things hadn't changed. Yearning to be absolutely sure it was just a simulation burned under his skin and he knew it was irrational, something to ignore. After all as soon as that damned Vorta had pulled them out none of them were injured, it had definitely been a simulation.
He froze involuntarily halfway past Garak's Clothiers. Head half turned he could see the Cardassian at his work table, fiddling with fabric laid out across the bench and time screeched to a stop.
The scream of a disruptor, the solid slam of a body against bulkhead. Burning flesh and cloth mingling to an awful stench of loss.
He's so badly wounded, I have to do something, oh God, why weren't we more careful. Garak please stop talking, this can't be happening. I have to help you. Why wasn't I paying more attention, why weren't we more aware. Your clothes feel so soft and your eyes so full of pain and there's nothing I can do and all I can smell is - no, no, no, no.
Hands tugging, pulling and desperate.
Blue eyes gone grey.
Breathless and gasping.
Fibres and flesh cloying, choking.
A cough.
"Uh… my dear, are you alright?"
Julian bit back an ugly sob and his surroundings snapped into sudden, sharp relief as time caught back up with him. He was in Garak's. Garak was partially out of his chair, awkwardly angled. Julian had his arms fiercely gripping him like a lifeboat in a storm. One arm around his shoulders and the other around the other man's head, fingers though surprisingly soft Cardassian hair. His head had been bent and resting against the top of Garaks.
Panic and shame flooded through him, he released Garak like he was on fire.
"oh God, I didn't.. I-I'm sorry I just… Oh God I'msosorry "
Julian floundered out an apology and spun away to hide his tears. Racing out of the shop as fast as decently possible he fled to the turbo lifts and to safety.
———
This Andorian silk was a menace. It slid, snagged and tangled on everything in the most frustrating way but at least it was a distraction. Garak knew, of course, that the Defiant was overdue and finally returning today. Keeping half an eye on logs and reports he shouldn't be seeing kept him quite aware of the movements throughout the station. He'd been thoroughly bored while the doctor was away, time absolutely crawled without the wonderful distraction of his lunch companion. He'd missed a mere one of their weekly lunches and the book Julian had given him was positively burning a hole in his pocket in need to be argued about.
He heard the hiss of the door opening and with a last glare at this frustrating silk he looked up.
Julian was striding towards him. His bag over his shoulder and he looked positively ragged. His eyes looked distant and deeply haunted. Garak half rose from his chair, the beginnings of a greeting on his lips when Julian rapidly closed the space between them and threw his arms around Garak. The bag awkwardly, completely unnoticed slid forward with the momentum and bumped solidly into Garak. He was floundering in Julian's grip, completely unsure where to put his hands and what on Cardassia was going on when he realised Julian was trembling against him. Featherlight he rested his hands against the other man's sides before letting out a quiet cough before speaking.
"Uh… my dear, are you alright?"
Julian let out a strangled noise and froze against him for a half second before leaping away like a terrified vole, panic obvious in every line of his body.
Julian sputtered out something that might have been an apology through the tremor and babbling in his voice, he'd whirled away so fast and was half talking at the door as he exited the shop Garak had struggled to hear any words at all beyond "sorry".
Garak was baffled by the whole encounter, he'd never seen the doctor this dishevelled. With a soft ‘hmmm’ of puzzlement he went to brush his hair back into place and felt…tears? His puzzlement and worry grew as he stared at the dampness on his hand.
"This simply won't do." he said softly to himself.
"Computer, locate Doctor Bashir."
"Doctor Bashir is in the habitat ring, level 5."
Perfect, on his way back to his quarters then. At least he would somewhere easy to get into. It wouldn't be the first time he'd let himself into the Doctors quarters. He busied himself for a moment tidying away the Andorian silk and closing up the shop before heading to the turbo lifts.
———
Garak fiddled with the door panel for a moment, taking little time to unlock the door with a click and woosh as it opened for him.
The room was dimly lit, the lighting just bright enough for Cardassian vision. Nestled on the couch he could see a shaking mound of blanket topped with curled hair just peeking out. Quietly he called out as he entered the silent quarters "Julian it's me, I'm coming in."
He made his way over to the couch, seeing the blanket shift and Julian's face appear slightly over the top before he parted the blanket, as though guilty to be caught wrapped in it. His knees were awkwardly tucked up by his chest and he had something small and brown nestled in his arms.
Gingerly Garak sat next to the other man, close enough to press slightly against tucked legs and realise that Julian was still shaking.
"I know it's presumptuous for me to both be here and ask, but you don't seem to be alright Doctor. Is there anything I perhaps can help with? Even just a sympathetic ear to listen to what has you so troubled?"
"I can't say too much, starfleet- but… I…
I saw you…"
Julian's eyes looked haunted and afraid, downcast and almost unwilling to go on before he spoke again.
"It was a simulation, a horribly realistic simulation and… You died. You got shot and… There was nothing I could do. I couldn't stop it, I lost you and there was nothing I could do."
Garak shifted, lightly resting a hand on Julian's foot.
"Surely this is no different to other patients or people you've known or had under your care that you've lost?"
Julian shifted awkwardly and covered his face with his hands.
"It's different, it's so, so much worse when… it's someone… you care about."
His words were choking in his mouth and he crushed his palms to his eyes, desperate to keep himself together.
"Oh, my dear Doctor, sentiment is the greatest weakness of all." Garak murmured against soft curls as he pulled Julian into his arms. Julian came undone, hands clinging to his shirt as he trembled and shook, caught in the maelstrom of his anxiety and overwhelming feelings.
"I don't want to lose you, I should have told you sooner how I felt."
"My dear Doctor, I was content to wait for you."
The blanket was pulled around them both and lightly scaled hands brushed through Julian's hair. Gently Garak rested his forehead against Julian's and time slowed, the moment seemed to last forever. Julian's breathing steadied from ragged gasps to calm breaths as contentment and safety washed over him.