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The train was loud loud loud , his dad’s grip on his shoulder was tight, and the wool sweater he had on was itchy. Being steered towards that scarlet bullet of a train seemed much more daunting in person, less full of wonder and more chock-full of nerves than what he’d imagined.
“Remus, your knapsack,” Lyall said, his grip on Remus’s shoulder almost painful. Remus may be the werewolf, but he could swear his father had claws.
“I’ve got it,” Remus reminded him, yet again. He could tell that Lyall was just as apprehensive about Hogwarts. Sending a werewolf into the middle of a new, highly volatile environment was never going to be the smartest idea, and Dumbledore’s reassurances hadn’t exactly filled either of them with confidence.
His mum was excited beyond reason, prattling on and on about all the new friends he would make, all the new classes he could take, all the new things he would learn. One look into Dumbledore’s twinkling eyes and Hope was trying to see how many of his cardigans would fit into a musty suitcase. But Lyall had almost torn his hair out imagining everything that could go wrong, and Remus sometimes woke up screaming from a dream he could rarely remember, save for the delicious taste of blood filling his mouth and hoards of screaming, faceless children. The two of them were a tad jaded.
As luck would have it, Hope had to take an extra shift at St. Mungos, ever since the Ministry started cutting Lyall’s paychecks. Remus wished his parents had never registered him as a werewolf, had never subjected themselves to the hatred the Wizarding community held towards them through no fault of their own. But they had, so now his mum pulled extra shifts and his dad almost tore through his shirt trying to lead his son through the hordes of parents and children boarding the train.
The Hogwarts Express would only stay for a couple more minutes, so Remus had to stop stalling. He hoisted up his suitcase with a strength he rarely liked showing and tugged his sack higher on his shoulder. “Pa, could you just-” Remus bit out, shrugging his way out of the borderline-painful grasp.
“I’m just checking to make sure you have everything,” Lyall said gruffly.
“This is the fourth time you’ve checked,” Remus complained. “And you keep leading me towards different train entrances. Just let me board. ”
Lyall was quiet. Remus then turned to face him with slow steps, trying to muster up a confident expression. He couldn’t imagine he was doing very well, confident expressions weren’t ones that graced his face very often.
“I’ll send a letter as soon as I get there. And every other day after that. I promise.”
“No way in hell we’d be able to afford a letter every other day.”
“I’ll ask some people in my house for paper. Or parchment, or whatever.”
Lyall sighed, running a hand over his face. “It’s not the letters I’m worried about.”
“Yes it is,” Remus said. “I’ll send you a letter before and after each moon. How’s that?”
Lyall’s lips thinned, as if peeved Remus had caught him out. Remus didn’t know why he bothered trying to keep things from him anymore.
Instead of waiting for his father to respond, he took a step backwards. “I have to go, Dad. Train’s about to leave.”
“We’ll miss you,” Lyall said, almost rushed, as if something was forcing him to bite out the words.
“I’ll miss you too.” It was easier, that time, to pull up a smile.
Then Remus turned and slipped among the last stragglers climbing onto the train, their mums waving tearfully after him. Remus looked back once he had climbed the steps, but Lyall had disappeared.
Taking a deep breath Remus headed down the corridor, glancing uneasily at the glass compartment doors. There were children huddled together, smiling at each other nervously. There were groups of students laughing uproariously, sprawled on the seats. There was a compartment where two people were practically on top of each other, attacking the other with their mouths; Remus hurried past that one.
Everywhere he looked, there were people , more than Remus had ever met in his life. They were boxing him in, covering each side of him, Remus started to walk a bit faster, trying to find a compartment to sit in, but none of them were empty . He just wanted one that was empty. The wolf was twitching under his skin, and though he knew it was a good couple of weeks before it would come out to play, he’d rather not deal with the effects of a raging outburst.
Just as he had started to breathe out of his mouth, visualising his mum’s calming voice telling him to take a breath in his mind, there was a loud slam. Snapped out of his reverie, he stared curiously as two students stormed out of a compartment. They were both short, one hook-nosed and greasy-haired, the other green-eyed and freckled. They wore twin expressions of rage on their face though, and Remus shoved himself against the corridor wall as they stomped past him.
Staring after them for a moment, Remus wondered what exactly had happened. He hadn’t heard any raised voices or screaming, so it couldn’t have been a fight. What caused them to leave their compartment?
Then, it hit him. They had left their compartment.
Hurrying towards the direction the two of them had come from, Remus shoved open the glass door. The two of them were gone, so hopefully it would be unoccupied, and Remus could take an even breath for the first time this day—
Only it wasn’t empty. Two raven-haired boys stared at him as he shoved his way inside through the door. Remus froze, staring back at them.
“Er,” He started, though he wasn’t sure where exactly he would take the sentence. Eventually he decided on, “Sorry. I can leave.”
The one with glasses tossed him a smile. It fit on his face beautifully, naturally. “Nah, you’re fine.”
“I mean,” the other said, the one with a rather exquisite brooch pinned to his neatly pressed robes. “As long as you’re not a slimy greaseball like the other bloke, come on in.”
On reflex, Remus’ hands came up to touch self consciously at his hair. Realizing what he had done, he quickly brought them down and flushed, but the second boy had already snorted and raised an eyebrow at him.
“Sorry,” Remus muttered again.
“Don’t apologize for being funny,” Glasses said. “It’s a talent.”
Remus didn’t think anyone had ever told him he was funny.
“I...er, thank you?” It was times like this Remus regretted being such a shut in for most of his life. He thought he had a fair defense against his mum’s constant nudges and unsubtle hints that he should socialize more, given that once a month he turned into a vicious snarling beat hellbent on ripping out the throats of everyone in the near vicinity. His mother had tutted, called him dramatic, and ruffled his hair. Though, those socialization skills would have come in handy right about now, as Remus awkwardly shuffled into an empty seat in the compartment.
Glasses and Brooch stared at him a little longer, and it dawned on him that this was the part of the conversation where he introduced himself. “I’m Remus,” he said hurriedly, as if his phrase had missed the train of conversation at the bus stop and was now rushing to catch up. “Remus Lupin.”
“Nice to meet you, Remus Lupin,” Glasses said. “James Potter.”
“Sirius Black. Pleasure,” said Brooch. Remus blinked at the odd tone. The empty words by themselves seemed almost scathing, purposefully haughty, but it seemed like he was sincere. Just a child trying to make a friend.
Remus decided to take in stride. He figured the two people storming out of the apartment were a bad place to start a conversation, context clues weren’t completely lost on him. So instead, he came out with “So you’re both first years then?”
Sirius raised his eyebrow. “Riveting conversation topic there, Lupin.”
Remus flushed, partly in embarrassment, partly because that slow gesture was exceedingly practiced and Remus wasn’t sure why, but captivating. “I’m not so good with conversation topics,” he said. “Sorry.”
“And now you’re apologizing again! ” Sirius said, but he was laughing. His laughter was nice, Sirius decided, and an exchange ending in joyful giggles was a success in his book, so he let his lips quirk up in a little smile.
“Well, since you two are rubbish at talking like normal wizards,” James started, ignoring the offended hey! that came from Sirius, “Let’s discuss the real important thing here.”
“And what might that be?” Sirius drawled.
“The food trolley,” James announced. “We’re near the back of the train, which means it’ll come to us first, which means we have the larger pick of snacks.”
“You know, I’m usually not allowed to eat that sort of stuff,” Sirius said thoughtfully.
“Oh. So you’re not going to get anything?” James seemed to shrink a bit, his infectious grin quieting.
But then Remus took a glance at Sirius, and privately thought that no eleven year old should have a smile that rakish. “Of course I’m going to get something. I don’t see my folks anywhere on this train, and I’m particularly fond of Godfrey’s Gummies. Y’know, the ones that wriggle in your mouth when you eat them.”
“Sounds like a plan, mate,” James said. “I like the pastries.”
“What about you, Lupin?” Sirius asked. “What’s your haul going to be?”
Remus shook his head. “You two enjoy the food trolley. I’m fine.”
“Rubbish,” Sirius sounded incredulous. “If I can blow off my mum and dad, so can you. It’s just a little snack, what’s it going to do?”
And oh, it was hard to say this to someone with a silver brooch pinned on their robes, but hopefully he’d stop asking. “I have to save up my coins.”
There was a beat of silence, then— “We’ll buy some for you then,” James nodded, looking resolute.
Sirius looked at James in surprise, and Remus was about to tell him not to bother himself, but in a second, Sirius adopted the same expression James had on his face. “Why not?”
“You really don’t have to.”
“Bugger off, Remus,” James said. “We’re headed to Hogwarts! Have some sweets!”
Remus paused, took a moment to think through what his mother had always fretted about. Was making friends really this easy? He barely knew James and Sirius, and they were already offering to buy him food from the trolley. Well, if they were willing to do that, maybe having friends was what everyone said it was like. Maybe having friends was worth the trouble of keeping his secret.
The wolf inside him was quiet.
“I like chocolate,” Remus said.
“Brilliant,” James responded. “Chocolate frogs for you, then.”
Suddenly, the compartment door opened with a harsh screech. Expecting the trolley witch, Remus turned to look excitedly at the corridor, and saw James and Sirius doing the same out of the corner of his eye. Only, instead of a plump, round face and a squeaky trolley piled high with sweets, he was met with a plump, round face attached to a short body and a frankly enormous bookbag.
“You’re not the trolley witch,” Sirius said.
“Er, no. But there are snacks in my bookbag?”
“Good enough,” James piped up. “Are you looking for a place to sit?”
“All the other compartments are filled up,” the boy said, apologetically.
“Come on in,” James said.
“What snacks exactly—”
“Sirius!”
“What? It was a solid ques- ow . James! You kicked me!”
“Be nice!”
“They’re cucumber and cream cheese,” the boy interrupted.
“Ooh. Coconut and cream cheese?” James abandoned his tussling of Sirius to turn to the boy.
“Where did you get coconut from?” Remus asked blankly.
“Good point, Lupin. He said cucumber . How exactly does that translate to coconut? And more importantly, in what world is coconut and cream cheese a good combination?”
“Well, for your information, Sirius , my mum puts coconut in everything. Everything . I’m used to it.”
“Coconut and cream cheese sounds like an awful combination, though,” the boy said, shifting to move fully in the compartment.
“Listen to—what’s your name again?”
“It’s Peter,” said the boy.
“Listen to Peter, James! Coconut is utterly disgusting.”
“Or maybe you’re just uncultured,” James retorted.
“My dad once hit this burglar that had been trying to break into our home with a coconut over the head,” Remus said, feeling as though he should contribute to the conversation a bit more. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled so much. “Turns out it was just his coworker from the Ministry. Apparently he’d been sneaking in the house for a while to steal my mum’s homemade shampoo.”
Three faces stared at him with varying degrees of surprise and incredulity. Remus noted Sirius seemed particularly impressed. It made him flush, for some odd reason.
Another harsh screech split through the air, and a warm matronly voice exclaimed, “Food trolley’s here!”
The train was loud loud loud , but Sirius had his arm looped in Remus’ own, laughing uproariously in his ear, and James was blathering on about something or the other on the other side of the compartment, his head in Lily’s lap as she carded through his hair and his legs being used as a table by Peter.
James, Remus thought, had been the one least changed by his time at Hogwarts. Now, on the last day the four of them—the five of them—would ever sit in this car, Remus could see an almost mirror image of the boy he met the first time he boarded the scarlet train. Sure, he’d lost some of the cockiness and gained some humility, but what boy hadn’t? At any rate, James being a constant was one of the few things Remus could count on.
“No no no, it was ‘cause Parkins jammed her wand up McGreggor’s nostril, remember? The bat-bogey hex came later,” Sirius said from his position curled into Remus’ side. Remus took a minute to appreciate how well Sirius fit there before focusing on his words, then immediately frowning.
Luckily, James voiced his thoughts. “I thought it was Ratale that shoved her wand up McGreggor’s nostril.”
“No, it was definitely Parkins,” Lily said decisively. “I remember McGreggor coming onto her and she forgot how to cast a hex, so she stuck the thing in his face. She told me about it later.”
“Could it be?” Sirius said, rolling onto the floor from Remus’ side. “Lily Evans agreeing with me? ”
“Woe be the day,” she said.
“I do declare,” Sirius, well, declared. “It seems our bitter rivalry has ended, only to reveal the lustful desire fueling our passionate arguments. Tell me you feel it too, Evans.”
“I reckon the only thing she feels is disgust,” Peter remarked. “Your hair’s coming out of it’s bun.”
“A fresh-from-bed look,” Sirius waggled his eyebrows.
“I know for a fact Remus did not get up until Prongs dragged him off the bed this morning, and he was half asleep during breakfast,” Peter’s tone was flat, but everyone could hear the undercurrent of amusement threading through it.
“Go back to the lustful desire,” James said. “I’m curious as to how that will end.”
“With the two of us eloping and our holy matrimony winning the war through the magic of true love, of course,” Sirius piped back.
“Mister Black,” Lily gasped, dramatically. “You are a man spoken for!”
“Take him,” Remus grumbled.
“See, Evans? I have Moony’s permission.”
James laughed at the disgruntled look on Lily’s face, the use of their nicknames immediately causing her nose to scrunch up. Remus had asked, haltingly, if James was alright keeping their secret in between the four of them, as he wasn’t quite ready to tell Lily just yet. James had given him a reassuring smile, telling him of course , and took great delight in tormenting Lily.
“One day you will tell me what those names mean. You will .”
“I dunno, Evans. Smart witch like yourself, you should’ve figured that out by now.”
Remus let James and Lily’s argument fade into the background, and was about to get his book from his bookbag, when Sirius popped into his line of vision.
“Moony.”
“Padfoot.”
“You’re looking a little glum.”
“Just a little tired,” Remus laughed. “You were incredibly insistent last night, I don’t know if you remember.”
But bringing that up failed to distract Sirius as usual, because his boyfriend could be an incredibly perceptive person every now and then, and Remus hated it.
“No Remus,” Sirius said, his voice soft. “Something’s wrong. You alright?”
Remus heaved a sigh. “I’m fine.”
“Then what is it?” Sirius asked, putting his wrists on Remus’s palms, letting Remus wrap his fingers around that pale skin, knowing how much it soothed the wolf inside Remus.
Sirius was gazing up at him, eyes kind, a far cry from the reserved but hesitantly-opening-up boy that had once seated himself stiffly in this compartment. Nowadays, the leather jacket looped around his shoulders almost as often as Remus’ own arm was worn, his long hair in a messy bun held up by his wand, his face in an ever-present smile.
Remus loved him so much his heart ached .
He loved all of them, he really did. But the feeling of the wolf curling up soft and sweet underneath a behemoth of a wolf-like dog, safe and protected , though a werewolf hardly needs protection, was something Remus had no idea he’d gone so long without. Unfortunately, it had downsides, such as Sirius piercing him with an all-knowing gaze.
“Are you upset?”
Remus sighed, choosing to just get out with it instead of going through the pain of having Sirius pry it out of him. “Not upset, really. Just...wistful.”
“Wistful?”
“I am going to miss Hogwarts,” Remus started, choosing his words very carefully, “more than any other place on the planet.”
Sirius blinked. “Tad over exaggeration?”
But Remus shook his head, speaking softly to keep Lily from overhearing. “No. Hogwarts was where I was treated like a person for the first time since I can remember, not an animal that needs to be controlled. Hogwarts was where I met you all .”
“Technically, you met us all in this very train compartment.”
“You’re right,” Remus said. “Maybe we should just all stay in this train compartment forever. No war, no problems. Just us and Peter’s 4C sandwiches.”
“Mmm,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “I could live off those coconut-cucumber-cream-cheese sandwiches.”
“I’m happy right now, Sirius,” Remus said.
“And you’ll be happy in the future, too,” Sirius shot back.
“My parents can barely stand to look at me,” Remus said. “Wolf was already too far, I had to be a queer, too.”
“Oh no. Your parents dislike you?” Sirius raised his eyebrow, that same slow gesture that had let loose butterflies in his stomach during first year. “How awful.”
“Hush,” Remus said. “James’ folks treat you like their son.”
Sirius shrugged in acquiesce. “Listen, you’re only staying with them for two weeks. Then you’re hopping over to the Potters’ place so the four of us can spend time like we usually do. The ministry’s saying the war will be over sometime soon, they’ve almost won. Then, when the summer’s over, we hope our career applications went through and we’ll have jobs. And then we’ll get an apartment and have James over every other night and eat those stupid sandwiches and we’ll be happy , Remus.”
“You don’t know all of that will happen, though,” Remus said, fingers tugging at the edge of his sleeves.
“I’m saying it will,” Sirius sounded nothing but confident. “It will . We just have to work for it a bit. But your happiness isn’t rooted in a castle, or a train compartment, got it?”
Remus nodded, almost sheepishly.
“Wow. I’m pretty good at the moral speeches, eh? Usually it’s the other way ‘round, but I didn’t do half bad.”
Snorting, Remus kicked Sirius lightly. “Shut up,” he said, then leaned forward for a soft kiss.
“Stop giving us a free show, no one wants to see it,” James hollered, breaking the little bubble the two of them had created.
“Says the bloke getting a head massage from his baby momma,” Sirius said.
“The hell is a baby momma? ” Peter asked, confused.
“It’s an American thing. Means girlfriend. I think.”
“You think?”
“I heard it in a song, okay!”
“Real specific, Padfoot, thank you.”
“You know what, James? The minute we get home, I’ll play it for you to hear. For you and for your parents.”
“Our parents,” James corrected, absently.
“Wait, I want to hear this song too,” Lily protested.
“Nope. Sorry, Evans. I’m afraid it’s too sacrilegious for your delicate little ears.”
“Sirius Potter-Lupin, I swear, I will smack that smirk clean off your face,” Lily said, then turned to swat James, who was silently laughing.
Sirius Potter-Lupin , Sirius mouthed, a little awestruck, and shot Remus a grin. It wasn’t full of sunlight, like James, or kindness, like Peter. It was a little bit dark and a little bit reckless, but a little bit gentle and a little bit graceful too. And, well, Remus couldn’t look at that smile and not drag him in for another kiss, ignoring the catcalls coming from James.
And if he did it outside that scarlet train, right before he and Sirius parted ways at this platform for the last time, well. The only one witnessing that was the Hogwarts Express.
