Work Text:
close your eyes, chuuya.
not like that. don’t squeeze too hard.
now they’re too loose. you want to open them, don’t you?
why? it’s bedtime. you must get up early tomorrow.
don’t let go of that weight that isn’t yours.
if you sleep in, a whole day is wasted.
fall asleep in the next five minutes, that’s a full night.
stop breathing like that.
five minutes are up.
why are you awake? sleep.
what’s the reason? sleep.
sleep.
wake up.
during the day, the capital c bloomed. at night, it rotted.
chuuya trapped himself in his covers, hoisting any weight he carried during the day to sink far down, into his soul, into his being. slowly but surely, he was decaying.
settling down felt like lying on a bed of hot coal rather than a warm kotastsu- which was ridiculous and not rational- his love and light lay beside him, breathing the way nature intended.
despite his light, the room engulfed him in darkness. he was only a protective blanket, not a scalpel that could fish this frazzling monster out of him.
chuuya was his own cage. the key to escaping was no longer.
his breath tried to control it- failing. of course it did. it couldn’t control an uneven and wild tide that never settled, getting stuck on every count to four. when did he last even make it to four?
long breaths only fuelled it. exhales out his mouth were agonising, going against his chests wishes. because, dear chuuya, being alive was enough to fuel its power. that was the only drug it needed, attacking his system like a sudden snowfall on a july afternoon.
turning his pillow to the cool side, chuuya slammed his face into the softness and gripped a fist around the blanket, the tension overflowing into his fingertips and making him squirm. the veins in his forehead pulsed through to his eyes, rippling his eyelids.
he hated sleep. god, he hated sleep. it was a long countdown into misery.
sleep felt like a light to a tunnel that had been closed off long ago.
when that thought buzzed in his head, his eyes shot open- hot and heavy.
he didn’t understand. he was so desperate to understand.
his frustration pushed desperately at the surface, which he would not let escape. he was trying to engrave that he couldn’t fight fire with fire- even if everything was already burning.
the muscles in his legs felt the sudden urge to scream. his stomach felt as heavy as feathers.
no one could help him. only the clock.
“dazai…”
he didn’t process what his mouth had whispered until the aftertaste hit him, disgusting and foul.
even the part of his mind that found the body stirring beside him adorable felt so wrong.
“can’t sleep, sweetheart?” his voice was harsh like silk.
yes. no.
“i don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
his love sighed, full of sympathy, fingers tracing his veins.
“come here- i got you. no longer human’s got you.”
chuuya obeyed. he nuzzled into a wall of a chest with a furrowed brow, muscles twitching.
dazai curled his body entirely around chuuya, every part of chuuya’s body sinking against him. he wrapped a careful arm around his waist, the other softly brushing the damp hair of his forehead, nothing but pure acceptance running through dazai’s mind. he let the touch linger, love flowing from his fingertips onto chuuya’s skin and ever so softly, as to not rip away any specks of peace chuuya had left, he let his lips brush along his forehead like a rose petal.
“you’re okay, baby. you’re human. this will pass.” dazai soothed.
“don’t focus on anything except this moment- the only thing that matters is you. you with a capital c.”
chuuya wasn’t sure what capital c he was referring to.
deep down, he was sure. he knew dazai knew him. but any technique, any lesson was drowned out by the harsh sparkling that shot threw his system, not caring in the slightest if he was exhausted. it never listened to chuuya’s begs. it never gave in to chuuya’s frantic attempts to calm down. it only heard fear.
why were the healthy coping mechanisms the hardest?
why did he feel smothered?
why was the clock in the kitchen so loud?
why was dazai breathing like that?
why wasn’t his heartbeat in a perfect rhythm?
leave, chuuya.
“get off.”
he intended it to sound nonchalant. it came out as a sob.
his gentle lover pulled back- only slightly, which broke chuuya's heart- an understanding expression on his face.
“it’s okay if you need space, my love. whatever you need, i will give you.”
i want your ability, dazai. i want to crush it into a pile like animal bones, removing any barriers between chuuya and i. to think you are the one who deserves him is foolish.
the soft pillow was a tonne of bricks. the blanket was a weight, dragging chuuya straight to hell.
those words replaced any engravings in his head.
chuuya forced his way through uncomfortable waters, tearing away to blanket. he ran out of the room.
his head was far above his body. by the time he tuned in with himself, he was on the balcony.
the wind felt nice- only for a moment, however. it got feverishly cold quickly.
the demons were nearly escaping, tugging and poking out of his skin- perhaps it was a tornado, a tornado so close by, yet not moving.
when things are still, it means danger.
perhaps this danger was what he deserved. as he spread his arms on the balcony, vessels tearing him apart, he questioned which capital c was truly to blame.
how it hurt when that thought crossed his mind. even while he flew, he saw his gentle lover- his accepting, nurturing, warm and healing lover- skidding to the balcony with tears dribbling down his front. loud, inhuman screams of pain rang through his ears.
perhaps he already knew the answer.