Work Text:
Cas
Looking at Dean, I know what I’ve experienced is bad. But I beat him to death almost and I will never, ever forgive myself.
I killed hundreds of thousands of copies of Dean and still...it haunts me
I don’t know how he can look at me the same way and treat me like a friend after what I’ve done.
I’ve never felt like this before. Never experienced what its like to be human quite like this; broken, vulnerable.
Feeling like you’re nothing and being told you’re nothing.
I know how Dean feels. How he seems himself and he deserves the world.
Despite what happened, I know my feelings haven’t changed.
But I don’t know how Dean feels.
“Cas?” Dean asks, shaking me gently. “What happened?”
I freeze in place. I don’t know how to answer.
I don’t know how to react and I’m silent for a few seconds before I feel strange and I realise I’m crying?
Well. I guess I’m more human than I thought.
“Cas…” Dean whispers. “Whatever has happened, you can tell me and I’ll tear them apart.”
I look into his eyes, searching for any sign of hatred, but all I see is concern. I know everything he has done, he has done for a better world.
But I heard what he said.
That he needs me.
The Winchesters don’t ever say ‘I love you’. They say ‘I need you’. And that is close enough.
A million voices are going through my head of what to say, still scared of the consequences.
But I trust Dean.
So I tell him.
I watch his face go from disgust, to grief and to anger all in a range of seconds but he listens, he never judges. He listens.
“Cas. That is conversion therapy. Why would they put you through conversion therapy?” He asks, demanding an answer.
“Because they knew that you and I share a profound bond. They wanted to use me to get to you.”
“And it almost worked.” He says bitterly.
“It didn’t work. They wanted to get rid of my feelings for you. You taught me what love is, Dean. You...The memories that brought me back to you at the hospital were all of you, of my time with you and Sam. I’ve lived thousands upon thousands of years but I didn’t remember all of that. I remembered you! The conversion therapy didn’t work because they couldn’t stop me from loving you. I will never stop loving you.”
I see Dean sway slightly, like I’ve just hit him. The weight of the truth is making him uncomfortable...or so I thought.
He looks at me and he knows I’m telling the truth.
His hand cups my face, tears in his eyes.
“I swear I’ll find them all and they’ll pay for what they did to you.”
“I don’t doubt that you will, Dean. I-”
“I need you, Cas.” Dean whispers. “I love you.”
We lean into each others touch, I can feel his heart racing.
“I need you too, Dean.”