Chapter Text
Lloyd sharply draws in a breath of air when he opens the door to his closet. He's home alone. The door is locked. But there's still a part of him that's paranoid—he's supposed to be the green ninja. The leader of the team. The strongest, most powerful, most put-together out of all of them. And he doesn't exactly feel like he lives up to any of those things when he has a pacifier in his mouth.
He feels ridiculous. He feels embarrassed and ashamed and pathetic but he also feels...safe.
He grabs the bag he keeps all of his Little stuff in and unzips it, sitting down on the floor of his room. There's another moment of hesitation, as there always is before he indulges himself with this. I shouldn't be doing this, he thinks. I'm way too old for this. I'm eighteen.
But he doesn't feel eighteen. He feels much, much younger than eighteen. He feels so little and scared and vulnerable, and all he really wants is for someone to rock him and sing to him and tell him that everything will be okay, to feel safe and held and protected.
But he can't have that. So this is the next best thing.
The second he pops the pacifier in his mouth he feels himself relax a little bit, releasing the tension from his shoulders. He pulls out his stuffed animals and coloring books and sets them on the floor, and then pulls out the fleece-lined pajamas from the bottom of the bag.
He winces when he takes notice of how sweaty and dirty he feels. A bath would be nice. But he's tried to take baths by himself when little before, and it never turns out very well. He always ends up getting water all over the place, and it tends to be kind of difficult to explain. He'll just have to wait until he can think clearly enough to take a shower by himself.
When he gets like this, it's best to just stay in his room and wait for it to be over until he can function like a normal person again—no trying to pour himself juice, because he'll spill it. No watching cartoons in the living room, because he could fall asleep and forget to turn it off and then get caught. No sneaking into Jay's room even though he has the coolest action figures, because no matter how careful Lloyd is to put them back in the same spots they were, somehow Jay can always tell if someone's touched them.
He has some toys of his own, that he keeps hidden in his closet in the same place as all his other stuff he would never in a million years let anyone see, but Jay's action figure collection is still much more fun to play with than his own.
Right now he doesn't feel like playing anyway, though. He just wants to go to sleep.
Actually, what he really wants is a hug, but even if he wasn't home alone, that's not an option.
Maybe if he wasn't regressed, he could handle it, but now he feels so lonely and touch-starved that he would probably start crying the second anyone hugged him, and that would probably prompt some questions that he couldn't answer. He has to be careful.
Yeah, it hurts to see the rest of his team so cuddly and affectionate all the time, especially now that Kai, Zane, Jay, and Cole are all dating and Nya and Pixal are apparently a thing now, too. None of them have been paying very much attention to him lately. But ultimately, it works out in his favor, even if it doesn't feel like it. Everyone else being distracted all of the time means that there's less of a chance they'll notice anything when he slips, which has been happening a lot lately.
Lloyd sniffs, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his forehead on them. It's kind of scary feeling like a four-year-old and being home alone, but the worst part is, this is the only time he feels safe enough to let himself slip all the way. Even then, he's always afraid that he's going to get stuck, somehow, if he goes too deep. If his friends come home earlier than expected and he isn't able to pull himself out of this weird headspace, they'll find out.
And they can't find out. Not ever.
They probably wouldn't even want him on the team anymore if they found out about...whatever this is. They wouldn't want him. Just like how Harumi didn't want him, and his father didn't want him, and well, it makes sense considering how weak and pathetic he is anyway, but he doesn't think he can handle one more person he loves turning on him even if they have every right to do so.
Lloyd blinks the tears away and climbs into bed, hugging his favorite stuffed animal (a miniature green dragon that was actually modeled to look like his own elemental dragon) against his chest. Maybe he'll feel better in the morning.