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It was his second year of high school that Kenma realized he was in love with his best friend. When Kuroo graduated and left to uni, Kenma was left to wallow in self-pity over his presumably one-sided feelings.
Now, after a confession and three years later, Kuroo has Kenma pressed against the brick wall of the alley just beside his work, kissing him stupid. Kenma’s arms are locked behind Kuroo’s neck, keeping him close as their lips slide and press against together.
Kuroo should really get to work though, and Kenma has a livestream to prepare for.
“Damn,” Kuroo breathes against Kenma’s neck after pulling away. “I really gotta go, babe.”
Kenma has his arms still wrapped around Kuroo’s neck. He drops his head back against the wall and sighs.
“Yeah. You do. You’re already ten minutes late,” Kenma says, despite not removing his arms from around Kuroo’s neck.
“Whose fault is that?” Kuroo smirks and Kenma wants so badly to drag those lips back down into another kiss -- but they really do need to stop. Before Kuroo gets in trouble.
“I’ll see you tonight?”
Kuroo nods. He leans down, presses one more kiss to Kenma’s lips -- two … three.
“Okay, okay, for real.”
...Four.
Kenma can’t help the amused snort that escapes him.
“Go to work.” He pushes Kuroo gently away.
“I am,” Kuroo says, stepping away and walking backwards with a goofy grin. “Tonight. I’ll text you.”
Kenma grins when Kuroo turns, trips over his own feet and almost falls. As his boyfriend rounds the corner out of sight, Kenma wants more than anything to drag him back down the alley and continue where they left off. He drops his head against the brick wall and sighs.
The honeymoon phase is going to kill him. Then again, honeymoon phases aren’t supposed to last more than a year.
---
“Kenma.” It’s the fourth time Kuroo calls him. Kenma doesn’t look up from his handheld. An exasperated sigh comes from Kuroo right before Kenma’s futon rustles. Kenma knows Kuroo is about to do something but before Kenma can act in defense Kuroo’s hand shoots out from behind him, grabs the handheld and tosses it onto Kenma’s bag -- plush enough not to cause any damage.
Kenma tries to scramble forward but Kuroo’s arms wrap around him, trapping his upper arms to his body and pulls Kenma backwards. Kenma flails as he is forced to lay on his sleeping bag, falling to his side with his back pressed against Kuroo’s chest.
“You need to go to sleep,” Kuroo says.
“Nobody else is sleeping,” Kenma complains, looking around at all their teammates still talking to one another or tapping on their phones.
“Nobody else has been playing video games for three hours straight. Did you even blink? You look like shit.”
Kenma manages to free his elbow enough to jab Kuroo in the gut, satisfied with the yelp he earns. “We need you on your a-game tomorrow. Which means you need at least a solid eight hours of sleep.”
Kenma rolls his eyes, but relents, dropping his head against his futon. Kuroo doesn’t move from behind him. His arms stay wrapped around Kenma from behind and even though Kenma was having a good time on his game, he finds that he really doesn’t mind this either. Kuroo is warm behind him and his arms feel nice wrapped around Kenma.
In all (reluctant) honesty, Kenma knows he doesn’t actually hate it when Kuroo goes all mother-hen on him. Even though he puts up a grudging front when Kuroo snatches his games from him or drags him out to socialize, some part of him doesn’t mind -- anticipates it and even appreciates it from time to time.
In fact, Kenma really, really doesn’t mind this -- Kuroo’s chest rising and falling against his back. He actually feels disappointed when Kuroo shifts behind him, thinking he’s going to leave, but instead Kuroo slips his arm from underneath Kenma to fold it under his head, settling into a more comfortable position with his arm not cramped under Kenma’s side.
With Kuroo behind him, Kenma realizes it’s hopefulness that he feels. Hopeful that Kuroo will stay in his futon for the night. It’s only immensely confusing for all of a single second before Kenma understands and everything makes sense.
Kenma is in love with Kuroo.
---
“Kenma I need a photo of you," is the first thing Kuroo says to Kenma when he finds him at the cafe they frequent. It's right around the corner from where Kuroo works, so it's perfect for lunch break dates.
"Go to Instagram?" Kenma suggests, setting his phone down which he was previously very engrossed in. Kuroo slides into the booth across from him, grabs the iced cinnamon latte Kenma already bought for him.
"It has--"
"Oat milk? Yes."
Kuroo grins around his straw.
"You're so amazing, babe."
Kenma rolls his eyes despite his grin "I need a physical picture. Small. So I can put it in the back of my phone case. So people can see it.”
Kenma raises a brow. “Because?”
“Because then when people flirt with me at work I can pull out my phone and they’ll ask me ‘who’s that’ and I’ll say ‘oh, that’s my boyfriend,’ and they’ll leave me the fuck alone.”
Kenma raises his drink and swirls it. “Troublesome being so popular.”
“It’s not like I’m not sharing you with thousands of people.”
“You aren’t sharing me, really. I’m not theirs, Tetsurou.” Kenma shrugs, looks down and feels his cheeks warm. “I’m yours.”
Kuroo bites at his smirk, looks down almost shyly.
“I’m yours too.”
Kenma smiles, chews at his cheek.
Kenma nods his head toward the wall where polaroids are placed in a cluttered strip around the building. “They have a polaroid here. It’s for customers to take photos and pin them to the wall, but,” Kenma shrugs. “They might not mind.”
Kuroo’s grin grows.
“So, so amazing.” He squeezes Kenma’s hand and stands from the booth, excitedly walks over to the counter where he politely asks if they can use the polaroid for a personal photo.
They get permission, and soon Kuro is jogging back over with a polaroid in hand. He holds it up excitedly and tells Kenma to pose on the other side of the booth. Before he can snap the photo Kenma waves for him to stop.
“You don’t want to?” Kuroo frowns, sounding disappointed.
“It’s not that,” Kenma says, gently picking the polaroid from Kuroo’s hands. “I just have a better idea.” He stands to sit beside Kuroo on the over side of the bench, siddles up close to his side and raises the polaroid in his free hand. Without much warning, Kenma presses close and kisses Kuroo’s cheek right before the polaroid flashes.
Kuroo stares in confusion, still processing not unlike the way the polaroid processes their photo, releasing it with a mechanical whir. Kenma plucks it out and gently places it on the table.
“Hopefully I got us both,” Kenma says and reaches across the table to pull his drink over, sipping it as he stares intently at the developing film.
Kuroo chuckles softly. “You’re amazing,” he says and pulls Kenma against his side with an arm around his waist.
“Stop that.” Kenma says and leans into Kuroo’s side.
When the polaroid is done developing, Kuroo himself doesn’t look particularly flattering. His brows are drawn in confusion and he isn’t even looking at the camera. Kenma however, looks amazing in his side profile, kissing Kuroo’s cheek. Kuroo can’t wait to show it off at work.
---
People make a lot of different assumptions about why Kenma is the way that he is. That is to say; quiet, reserved, moody, anxious. Most people look at his gaming consoles and think it's because he’s spoiled -- another kid raised by technology and sheltered from the world because of it.
Kuroo knows the actual reason though.
To put it simply, from the outside, Kenma’s family looks average. On the inside, things are complicated.
Kuroo remembers evenings where Kenma would come over for no reason other than to play on his handheld and mind his own business. Kuroo thought it was rude at first -- to just come over to someone’s house, sit in their room and ignore them. It didn’t take long for Kuroo to realize that Kenma just didn’t want to be home, which implied that there was something he was avoiding. Then, he started to realize other things about Kenma -- the way sudden loud noises make him jump, how he avoids conflict of any kind at the expense of his own comfort, the way he always seems tired, how he sometimes stares mindlessly at his handheld for minutes on end like he’s playing it, but Kuroo can tell he isn’t.
The more alarming instances are those where Kenma physically seems more faint than usual. Normally, Kuroo notices these phases before they get out of hand and buys snacks for him -- Kenma wouldn’t refuse a snack someone bought him, especially not Kuroo.
The day Kenma passes out in volleyball practice is the first day they actually talk about it.
Everything is going well at first. They’re practicing, and Kenma jumps to hit the ball. When he lands on his feet, he stumbles backwards out of view but Kuroo doesn’t think anything of it at first. Not until he hears am unceremonious thud that sounds all too much like someone collapsing bodily to the floor.
Kuroo turns just as someone urgently calls out Kenma’s name. Lying sprawled on the court, motionless and limp, is Kenma. Practice immediately halts and sneakers can be heard rushing over to Kenma.
It takes little thought processing of Kuroo as he hurries to Kenma’s side, urging his teammates to give him space. He carefully fits his arms under Kenma’s knees and shoulders and lifts him, carrying him to the furthest wall of the gym where he carefully sets him down. He folds up his jacket and places it behind Kenma’s head.
Kuroo stands back up and jogs out the exit, calling out for his teammates to continue the game -- which they do, though with hesitance. When he returns he has a water bottle and a few different snacks from the vending machines. Kenma is now sitting up against the wall with a pinched expression on his face, likely the result of a headache. Kuroo sits beside him and uncaps the water before lifting one of Kenma’s hands and pressing it to his palm.
“Drink some water.”
Kenma quietly whines a groan in protest but listens. As soon as Kenma decides to put down the water, there’s immediately an open pack of crackers being lovingly shoved at him. Kenma takes them, but eyes the cake Kuroo also bought.
“Hey, Kenma,” he says after a moment. Kenma looks over at him, something in his expression says he knows Kuroo is about to bring up something touchy. “Listen, I know we don’t really talk about your home life and I don’t expect you to, but I can tell when it starts getting to you.”
Kenma doesn’t speak, stops eating the crackers Kuroo gave him. “You don’t have to talk about it, but…you can, you know. If you want. It just worries me when you get like this because I care about you.” Kuroo looks over to see Kenma staring at him, eyes uncharacteristically full of emotion -- alarm, fear, guilt -- Kuroo looks away. “Just try to take care of yourself when things start to get to you. Even if it’s just drinking water and eating crackers, okay?”
Kenma continues to stare at Kuroo until his eyes shift back to the crackers in his lap. He pulls his knees up to his chest and nods, pressing another cracker to his lips.
---
As far as Kenma’s mental health goes, he’s become much more secure in his feelings and expression. His confidence has rooted and grown and Kenma is thriving, which means Kuroo is thriving because he loves Kenma.
Even so, there are times when Kenma’s insecurities do slither out of dark places and prod at his vulnerable spots. It’s a far less frequent occurrence now, but not beyond possibility.
It happens on a day when Kuroo shows up at Kenma’s place after work. Kuroo has been busy and so has Kenma so they decided on a date that evening. Kuroo made plans to bring Kenma out to a pier and they agreed to go to a restaurant afterward.
“Kenma!” Kuroo calls as he steps into the apartment and toes off his shoes. He doesn't receive a response, which he doesn't think much of at first.
“Kenma!” He wanders into Kenma’s room. Kenma’s desk faces the opposite wall. Kuroo can tell Kenma is sitting in his gaming chair, facing his monitor, his grown out blonde hair peeking above the back of his chair.
Kuroo is about to call out Kenma’s name again when he notices the screen of Kenma’s monitor flashing “GAME OVER”, unchanging. None of the clicking associated with Kenma’s gaming can be heard, neither Kenma’s usual fidgeting. Kuroo frowns, his heart sinking. He walks in far enough to see Kenma’s hand resting idle over his mouse, the screen looping. Kenma isn’t moving, just stares blankly at the screen, eyes unfocused. His chest is rising and falling with deep breaths and Kuroo is close enough to see the red glossiness in Kenma’s eyes.
“Kenma,” Kuroo calls gently. His chest tightens when Kenma doesn’t answer him, doesn't even flinch. Gently, Kuroo settles his hand over Kenma’s on the mouse and closes out the game. Kenma’s eyes flick around the new screen and he finally blinks.
Kuroo crouches on his heels, turns Kenma’s gaming chair to face him.
“Hey,” he calls once more, hand rubbing soothingly along Kenma’s forearm. ”Kitten.”
Kenma’s eyes finally focus on Kuroo’s. The moment realization dawns on him is evident in the way his glossy eyes widen and dart over to the time on his computer. His eyes dart back to Kuroo who is dressed and ready to go out then down at his own sleep clothes.
"Tetsurou, I’m sorry--”
“Don’t be,” Kuroo says and pulls Kenma’s crumbling form into a hug. “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He looks at a pack of crackers open on Kenma’s desk, a quarter of the way eaten.
“I tried,” Kenma murmurs. “I tried.”.
“I know. You did great.” He lifts Kenma’s legs to wrap around his waist and Kenma obliges so that Kuroo can lift him and carry him over to the bed where they lie on their sides facing one another. Kenma’s face is buried in Kuroo’s chest, breathing deeply, trying not to cry.
“This isn’t how you wanted to spend today,” Kenma’s voice wobbles.
Kuroo’s responding laugh is gentle. He runs a hand through Kenma’s hair.. “What do you mean, Kitten? I’m spending it with you. That’s exactly what I wanted.”
Kenma pulls back then. He stares up at Kuroo, eyes red and watery. “You aren’t upset?”
Kuroo shakes his head. He leans down, presses a kiss to Kenma’s forehead.
“I’m perfectly fine. Are you alright?”
Kenma looks up at Kuroo, sighs and drops his forehead against Kuroo's collarbone.
“I’m better.”
---
The hardest part of Kenma realizing he’s in love with Kuroo is accepting that they won’t always be together. As much as they talk about keeping in touch after Kuroo graduates, Kenma can’t help but be sickeningly in touch with reality. Kuroo is charming, attractive, sociable, smart. He’ll meet a dozen people who will one by one place Kenma further in the back of his mind.
Kuroo’s last day of high school comes like a mercilessly rolling stormcloud. The volleyball team makes plans to see all the seniors off with a dinner party at Lev’s since his parents are out of town.
The whole time, Kenma feels sick to his stomach. He skips out as soon as he thinks nobody will notice. He can’t really stand the crowd at the moment and every second he sees Kuroo celebrating his graduation he feels a terrible mix of heartbreak and wanting to be happy for his friend.
He walks home alone. Ignores his phone until Kuroo’s signature tone chimes and Kenma can’t resist his guilt.
‘Where did you go?’ reads the text.
‘Wasn’t feeling well. Sorry. Congratulations though.’ Kenma types back.
‘Text me when your home k?’
‘K.’
Kenma puts his phone back in his pocket. He tries really hard not to cry.
Kenma ignores Kuroo after that. He knows it isn’t fair because Kuroo doesn’t understand and probably thinks he’s done something wrong. Kuroo will text and ask if Kenma wants to hang out before he leaves to Uni, but every time Kenma finds a reason not to.
‘Hey i’m bummed we didn’t get to hang out before i left but i’ll visit in the future. Swear,’ is the text Kenma receives the day Kuroo does leave.
His teammates don’t ask him outright why he didn’t say goodbye, but he can feel it in their stares.
A couple months later, after exchanging sparse dry texts, Kuroo shows up at Kenma’s doorstep. Kenma is wearing nothing but his pajamas so he can’t really conjure a believable reason not to go out when Kuroo invites him.
Kuroo brings him to a riverwalk. It’s windy and the sound of the waves is soothing -- though not quite enough to calm Kenma’s nerves.
“Why have you been ignoring me?”
Kenma tenses. He doesn’t respond -- doesn’t know how. Kuroo sighs. “Did I do something? Did I piss you off?”
Kenma shakes his head. “No.”
“Then what, man? I -- I miss you, Kenma. A lot. Do you not miss me?”
Kenma swallows thickly, looking away from Kuroo out at the sunset. “I do.”
“Then why won’t you text me or answer my calls,” Kuroo begs.
“Because you don’t miss me like I miss you!” Kenma snaps. His eyes are stinging. He’s losing his best friend but if he’s going to lose Kuroo, then Kuroo might as well understand why.
“Kenma, what do you mean.”
“Aren’t you a genius or something?” Kenma walks over to the ledge of the boardwalk, folds his arms over the railing. Kuroo comes up beside him.
“Math and science are very different things from friendship, Kenma. What the hell are you talking about?”
Kenma shakes his head. He doesn’t look at Kuroo.
“That. Friendship. I don’t want to be friends anymore.”
“You want to stop being friends? As in you want me to stop talking to you or --”
Kenma snaps. “Tetsurou, could you just connect the fucking dots--”
Suddenly Kenma is being grabbed by his waist and pulled forward. Before he has time to think, Kuroo is cupping his face and Kenma’s body is tense, eyes wide as he’s drawn into a kiss. The surprise dissipates the moment Kuroo moves to pull away, and Kenma grabs his shirt and pulls him back, closing his eyes this time and kissing him back.
They pull away and stare at each other, golden eyes meeting warm hazel. Kuroo’s lips slowly lift into a grin. His thumb brushes over Kenma’s cheekbone.
“You mean to tell me I could have done that months ago?”
Kenma stares, dumbfounded. His heart is racing and his face feels like it's on fire.
“So then you … feel the same?”
Kuroo grins and presses his forehead against Kenma’s.
“Why don’t you just connect the dots, Kenma.”
Kenma sighs and rolls his eyes.
“Idiot.” He tilts his head upward. “Kiss me again.”
---
Something that Kenma has always been hyper aware of in his and Kuroo’s relationship is that Kuroo always seems to put in more. It makes Kenma feel like shit. It’s not that Kenma doesn’t offer anything; he remembers Kuroo’s orders for certain cafes and restaurants, knows what his favorite snacks are at the convenience store and will buy them for him in bulk. He also knows when Kuroo is feeling down and how to make him feel better by just sitting on the couch with Kuroo’s head in his lap, playing with his black hair while the TV plays his favorite shows.
But Kuroo also never seems to be as high maintenance as Kenma himself is. They take care of each other, sure, but Kenma always feels like Kuroo has to take care of him more. Especially back when they were in high school with Kuroo dragging him around and Kenma dragging his feet acting like he didn’t want to do whatever they were doing.
Kenma loves Kuroo.
Kenma loves Kuroo and over the past couple of months he’s more certain of that than ever. He loves when Kuroo comes to him after a long stream and just lies down with him. He loves how Kuroo smiles at him at seemingly random times and when Kenma says ‘what?’ Kuroo always just shakes his head and says ‘it’s nothing”. He loves the way Kuroo is caring -- not just for Kenma but for all of his friends. He loves how he moves. How he smiles. How he laughs. Sleeps. Breathes.
It’s the dumbest thing in the world, but Kenma knows the love is real when they go out for dinner one evening -- some fancy Italian place -- and Kuroo orders spaghetti. The thing that made Kenma realize he was absolutely without a doubt in love with Kuroo was when Kenma muttered something nasty about the old couple adjacent from them that kept casting judgemental glares at them. Kuroo let out a startled laugh and a noodle literally came out of his nose. Kuroo instinctively tried to sniff it back up and proceeded to choke which was honestly disgusting but all Kenma could think was “I want to kiss this moron so fucking bad right now.”
So Kenma plans a date of his own. He hates how surprised Kuroo seems, but loves more how happy he looks. He really needs to work on doing more for Kuroo. He plans to. Granted, Kuroo has told him a dozen times ‘I like doing this stuff for you! I don’t expect you to do stuff for me in the same way I do stuff for you.’
But still. Kenma wants to do more. He likes the way Kuroo’s eyes crinkle in a smile when he catches Kenma thinking of him.
The date is on the riverwalk. It’s a little chilly, so Kenma finds a vendor selling hot chocolate and buys some for the both of them.
They walk together down the strip, talking and bumping shoulders for what feels like minutes, but the passing hours are evident in the way the sun is beginning to settle atop the horizon. The boardwalk lights up, once the evening hits, an array of pinks, orange and purple lights coloring the scene. It’s beautiful.
Kuroo’s hand finds Kenma’s as they walk. He brings Kenma over to the ledge where they both lean against the metal railing. Kenma leans his cheek against Kuroo’s chest, whose arm has found its way around Kenma’s shoulders. Kenma looks up at Kuroo, the neon lights bouncing off his skin in the dim light, emphasizing every single feature on Kuroo’s face and not a single one of them Kenma would have changed. Even the acne scars and the cut on his jaw he got from trying to hold a feral cat.
“What?” Kuroo asks, peering down at him and Kenma realizes he’s been caught.
“You’re just handsome.” Kenma shrugs.
Kuroo grins, looks down and shakes his head.
“Look who’s talking.” He grabs Kenma’s chin and gives it a gentle shake.
Kenma tilts his head up and Kuroo knows exactly what it means as he laughs softly and leans down to kiss Kenma, languid and deep -- nothing raunchy, but just shy of breaking chaste.
When they break the kiss, Kuroo drops his forehead against Kenma’s and sighs. Their noses nuzzle against each other.
Kuroo kisses Kenma’s forehead, then pulls back to settle his head atop Kenma’s as they gaze over the river, blues, pinks, and purple dancing across the waves.
“This is where we first kissed.”
Kenma feels Kuroo laugh.
“You called me an idiot.”
As they gaze into the night, Kenma’s heart begins to pound, thinking about doing what he intended to from the start. The timing is perfect. The mood is perfect. Just as Kenma takes a breath to bring up what he’d been meaning to, Kuroo speaks.
“Hey, Kenma, is everything alright?” Kuroo looks down at him.
Kenma’s breath halts in his throat. He blinks up at Kuroo.
“Does something seem wrong?” Kenma asks.
Kuroo shrugs. “You’ve just seemed a little tense.” The hand on the arm Kuroo has wrapped around Kenma’s shoulders begins to tug gently at his hair. He looks thoughtful as he peers back over the water. “You know you don’t have to do stuff like this, right? I know sometimes you think the scales aren’t balanced, but we take care of each other in different ways. I just happen to be a lot more dramatic than you.” Kuroo smirks.
Kenma feels a mix of fondness and sadness at the comment.
“I know.” Kenma says. “I wanted to. I want to do more. Because I love you.” Kenma takes a deep steadying breath then pulls himself from Kuroo’s arms.
Kuroo looks confused, eyes flicking over Kenma in confusion.
“Kenma?”
“I want to do more for you, Tetsurou. Because you deserve it. Because you’ve always been there for me. Even when I dragged my feet and protested about it.”
“I’ve always found the attitude kind of cute.” Kuroo smirks. Kenma rolls his eyes.
“Shut up. My point is that you’ve always been here for me. Through everything. And…” Kenma’s heart is absolutely racing as he reaches down into the pocket of his jacket and hides a golden band in his palm, his other hand reaching for Kuroo’s.
Kuroo is looking at Kenma with wide eyes. It takes everything in Kenma not to shy away from maintaining eye contact as he slips the metal band onto Kuroo’s ring finger. “And I want to be here for you. Through everything. For anything.”
Kuroo’s wide eyes flick up from the ring on his finger, finding Kenma’s no doubt panicked ones. Then all at once Kenma is being lifted in the air and spun in a circle and that in combination with the intense panic he’s feeling is really making him want to vomit.
Kuroo stops spinning him, but holds him up. Kenma has his hands settled on Kuroo’s shoulders for support, his legs locking behind him to help keep himself up. Kuroo is beaming up at him.
“Do you know,” Kuroo says, rooting around in his pocket before holding out a gold ring -- similar to the one Kenma put on his finger, “how long I’ve been carrying this thing around waiting for the perfect moment?”
Kenma’s breath is absolutely stolen from him as he stares at the ring.
They’re both smiling as Kuroo slips his own ring onto Kenma’s finger, still managing to keep him held up.
“You beat me, babe.”
“You haven’t exactly said yes yet.”
“Well, you haven’t exactly asked the question.”
Kenma chews at the inside of his cheek. Damn. He didn’t actually ask the question, did he?
Kenma sighs. He presses his forehead against Kuroos. Both their eyes are watering and their grins are wide.
“Tetsurou,” Kenma begins, resting his head against Kuroo’s who gazes up at him with a beaming, beautiful smile. “Will you marry me?”
Kuroo grins up at him.
“Yes,” Kuroo says, and there, in the very same place where they began their relationship, under the evening hues of the boardwalk, they seal their promise with a kiss … or twenty.