Work Text:
My Dearest James,
By the time you receive this letter I will have boarded the train at King Cross to the coast. I do not mean to alarm you but I have many things to reconsider... I find myself as intolerable as a piece of lint on my jacket front. You are keenly aware of how fond I am of my jackets! After many confrontations with my mother I cannot bear to look her in the eye. I have committed such an atrocity towards her and father that they need not worry about a son who keeps up a lifestyle of debauchery. I know you have questions for me, and I want nothing more than to tell you it all. I have confided in Cordelia, and by extension I feel as if I confide in you. This is not the case by any means, I have been far too dishonest with myself, and of course, you my parabatai.
For a time your engagement to Cordelia fueled a rage I could not describe, how dare my parabatai commit himself to a lovely woman with a sham marriage? It was agreed upon between you both, and I took my anger out on wretched Alastair Carstairs instead. It is not my proudest act, though vindicating in the moment. I thought I had identified the source of my rage, but my feelings continue to fester even after your union. I cannot condone my selfish behaviour any longer, towards the Carstairs' and Herondale's both.
I pray that you won’t run after me, because I need to take this time for reflection. I cannot wait a year for your marriage to end, because I realized my feelings are not for Cordelia but rather an extension of my love and concern for you. I’ve been approached by good friends, Lucie, Anna, the glorious Magnus Bane, and your father regarding my poor habits. I couldn’t understand how drowning myself would cause you harm, but then again I am as vain as I am a drunk. It is written because I know that I cannot voice it aloud again, knowing what I know now about the Carstairs, after confiding in Cordelia. Did you know about Elias Carstairs? I wouldn’t fault you for thinking of me in the same vein, but there is one thing that I refuse to do. I refuse to continue in this path as he has, but it is a painful journey that I must endure myself.
Through our bond I can feel when you are in distress Jamie, I have no doubt our separation will have a toll. I need you to do something for me, I need you to be as brave as I have always known you to be, for me. I am frightened of what it means for me to leave London, but I am more frightened of the possibility of your life in my hands. I made a vow to you, “Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee-” but how can a drunkard be expected to uphold our sacred pact? I must leave thee but I promise you I will return. I swear upon the angel I will, once I have ridden myself of my affliction.
I am yours forever,
Matthew