Chapter Text
12 August 2014, 3.00PM
Tooru,
So.
I’m writing this on the plane. Someone had left behind a notepad— the cheap kind, won’t be missed— and well, I’m bored.
Also... I can’t stop thinking.
Is it weird that I want to talk to you about this? If it was anyone else I would have, but you can’t talk about your breakup with the person you’ve broken up with. That doesn’t make sense.
I don’t like keeping things from you.
I’ve never kept anything from you.
Just this. Just for now. We’re still us, isn’t that what you said? We’re still us, you're still my best friend. Dumbass. That’s what matters.
You’re my best friend. I don’t need to write you letters.
But you’re always causing me trouble, aren’t you?
Saved voice note - 12.8.2014, 5.42 PM
I almost called you today Iwa-chan!
But then I didn’t because… because well, things are different now. At least, they’re supposed to be. I think… that was why we… the break, I mean! That was why we did it. And it’s still so… so soon, you know? I mean, I still call you anyway but… I should probably tone it down. Give you some space to recover? Let things settle before everything’s back to normal.
But even if I didn’t think I should call you, it also felt strange not to… so I’m recording this. On my phone. Pretending I’m talking to you. Sounds like I’ve lost it? [a short burst of laughter] Something like that, maybe.
It’s just a recording. Practically voicemail! Almost no difference really— I leave you those all the time and you never reply to any of them…
[a pause]
Well… I guess you listen to them, at least.
[a pause]
I’m calling to… I was going to call to tell you about this restaurant in my neighbourhood. The owner is Japanese. Today’s special is agedashi tofu.
We should go someday.
[recording ended]
14 August 2014, 6.00PM
Tooru,
I moved into my dorm today. My roommate is from Los Angeles. He has a strange voice. It’s sort of drawn out. Like he’s rolling the words around on his tongue before he speaks them. I have to ask him to repeat stuff sometimes. I hope I can get used to it.
He’s a fine arts major. I never really understood that stuff, but you did. All that literature. Stories. Heroes. Like those damn aliens you wouldn’t shut up about when you were a kid. Or that American book series you were obsessed with a couple years ago. I can’t remember what it was called, but you told me you hated the movies.
I think you and Kevin (that’s my roommate) would get along. He’s really smart. He can speak greek. And he’s learning latin. I’ll introduce you. I forgot to do that when we called but, I will.
Have you met your teammates yet?
Do you still
Fuck.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this.
We just spoke. This is stupid.
Not that you’d know, but I’m still using that notepad from the plane. It fell out when I was unpacking and I saw the first letter I wrote and… yeah. You can guess how that went.
I’m not even sure why I held onto this damn thing.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Saved voice note - 20.8.2014, 3.20AM
God. We really need to figure out the time difference thing, Iwa-chan. My poor neighbour… she’s ancient, almost, and I might have scared her half to death when the Godzilla theme started blaring out at three in the morning… [a chuckle]
I’m… glad you called though. I was scared you wouldn’t. I thought that maybe… you’re all the way there and because of how we left things… you might have wanted… distance? Time? But you called! And I’m glad you did Iwa-chan. I’m glad we’re still… that everything is fine. We’re still fine. What a relief!
[he chuckles like an afterthought]
Ahhhh well… it’s kinda late here. I can’t sleep properly just yet, still jet lagged. You’re not the only one who can’t figure out time zones… But we’ll call tomorrow. I can’t text you just yet because my provider messed up… somewhere. I don’t really know what happened there. But I’ll call.
Good night Iwa-chan! Oh— it’s probably what, seven, eight in Cali? Morning then.
Good morning Iwa-chan. Have a good day.
[recording ended]
1 September 2014, 10.00PM
To Shittykawa—
Since you wouldn’t shut up about a postcard. I got this from some souvenir store on campus. The building on it is one of the libraries. There’s a park too— most of the buildings surround it in a circle. It’s nice. People hang out there. Have picnics and stuff. Maybe when you visit, we can do something like that.
With
I’ve never sent you letters before, so I don’t really know how to sign it off. I was about to write “with love” but… you know…
I probably would have written “with love” last year but now… that might be... weird, right?
You were always so much better with words
Gah
I hate breakups.
Whatever. I’m just sticking that thing inside this notebook for now. I’ll figure it out later.
Saved voice note - 2.9.2014, 10.01PM
[a few seconds of silence, punctuated only with heavy breathing]
It will get better. Easier. I… I know you were busy when I called. But thanks for t-talking to me. I didn’t want to hang up and I know you said it was fine but— [a loud sniff] I’ll just c-call you back later, yeah? I mean… I get it. You have your own thing now… I have my own thing… W-we’re adults now, y’know? So… so it’s fine! More than! Because you let me… even if it wasn’t for… for all that long… thanks Haji—
[a pause]
It will get better. I want it to. So, so, badly.
[a pause]
Stupid. Fucking. Time zones.
[recording ended]
28 September 2014, 5.15PM
Tooru—
It’s been a while since I wrote in this. I didn’t really have to. I think everything’s finally working out.
Well. Not the time zones. We’re still… yeah. I think it’s just a good thing that neither of us are asleep when we’re supposed to be anyway.
But we’re talking. You still send me at LEAST a hundred messages a day. And at least half of those are those dumb LINE stickers. Still leave your voicemails even though I’ve told you not to.
But I’m
But it’s not like I’ mi
It’s okay because
Whatever. Guess I’m not going to be writing in this anymore. So long. Talk to you soon.
(Real soon. You’re calling me right now.)
Saved voice note - 30.9.2014, 5.34PM
Tell Iwa-chan about what Mateo said at practice. Um… cousin in California, father specialises in sports science, said he can get in touch. Don’t forget!
Hey Siri! Set a reminder for— ah shit, the recording.
13 October 2014, 11.04PM
SHIT I completely forgot I put that postcard in here. It’s been a while…
I’m still not sure how to sign off. I want it to seem natural and normal and us without this… stupid. Whatever feeling. Post-breakup feeling. Except we’re not even properly broken up because we decided to break up and we’re still friends so it’s like nothing’s changed but I don’t know how to sign off this stupid fucking postcard.
FUCK.
Saved voice note - 15.10.2014, 2.23AM
So… I l-lied. Just a… [sniffs] just a little.
[a quiet whimpering noise]
[one sob falls first. There is a pause, like a holding of breath, before they cascade relentlessly]
Fuck.
[recording ended]
Saved voice note - 15.10.2014, 2.27AM
[quietly, barely audible]
Okay… so…
[he speaks slowly, like every breaths staggered]
No one ever… no one ever tells you. You can practice Spanish on Duolingo for a year, and still sound like a foreigner. They drive on the wrong side of the street. That it’s like everyone knows some secret you don’t, something you’ll never know.
Argentina is… very far from home.
I wonder sometimes if I made the wrong choice, but then I remember you. I remember what you said. To go on without hesitation, without stopping. I left a lot of things behind. But then there was… then there was…
[a deep breath, a low exhale]
Leaving you.
And that was the hardest part. The fact that you’re not here with me. That you don’t know, and I can’t just… I can’t just tell you because you have your own life that I don’t know about. So that leaves me here, talking to a ghost. Confessing to no one.
This is the first time you don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m not sure who to blame for that.
[recording ended]
26 October 2014, 9.46PM
I miss you sometimes.
26 October 2014, 9.50PM
The boba here sucks. I don’t understand how people consume this stuff. If you were here you wouldn’t give me any peace over it. Whining about how it’s just “not right”. Typical.
26 October 2014, 10.14PM
Hey Tooru. It’s never been hard to talk to you before.
I’ve never had to ask you how your day was— I was there. And we’re both apparently really, really bad at small talk.
Honestly, it’s kinda embarrassing to even be writing these things. Like what, is this some fucking shojou manga??
I miss you sometimes. Should I miss you more? I’m sorry. America is… a lot. It’s big and busy and loud. It thinks it’s the only place in the world. Sometimes it makes you think that too. So I miss you sometimes. I miss you when we call and it’s quiet for a moment before you ask me how classes are going. I miss you when I have to think twice before I text you. Or don’t text you sometimes.
But I don’t miss you when I wake up, when I walk to class, when I go out with my friends here.
It scares me. You feel so distant. It scares me that you might only miss me sometimes too.
Saved voice note - 2.11.2014, 8.59PM
Well. That was not ideal.
[a deep sigh]
I think it was my fault. The wifi in my apartment is... shitty. Temperamental. Flighty. Your face was really blurry and the audio kept breaking up… it was exhausting. We should probably just stick to phone calls. For now, at least.
I told you we can keep trying. I didn’t hear what you said after that.
[silence aside from the distant growl of traffic]
You know… I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a tiny bit relieved.
[a pause]
You’ve changed. I… I can tell. But for once I really don’t want to be proved right.
[recording ended]
13 November 2014, 8.54PM
There was a game today. Kev and I went to watch. Someone told me that our setter was a national team hopeful. Made sense— he was good.
I saw the Argentinian roster for the Olympics online. You didn’t tell me about it yet. Don’t blame you. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.
You’ll get your
You can
Remember why you’re there Tooru. Remember why you left.
It will be worth it. You’ll make it worth it. I know you.
Saved voice note - 21.11.2014, 4.12PM
You know, I don’t think I can—
[giggling]
I don’t think I— [a loud burst of laughter] your accent Iwa-chan. You have a goddamn American accent now, and I just… I… what are they doing to you, oh my god!
[a few seconds of laughter]
I have to record that next time. Give me some warning won’t you? How else am I supposed to embarrass you now that you’re so far away…
[a pause]
I always liked your voice Iwa-chan. Do you… do you remember how I’d call you in the mornings? I’d go out for a run and call you on the way home. I’d usually wake you up then— ha! You sounded so sleepy over the phone… your voice, it… it was lower, but softer than it usually was. I never told you this, but I loved hearing it. That’s why I kept calling you— your voice as soon as you wake up.
[a pause]
It’s blurry around the edges these days. The memory of your voice, that is. I remember how it felt more than I remember how it sounded.
[a pause]
That sounds important, doesn’t it?
[recording ended]
25 November 2014, 12.09AM
Tooru… I know we promised to stay the same.
But we’ve changed. You’ve changed. And I’m happy for you, I’m so happy for you. When you talk about practice, about your new team… your voice just… I don’t know how to explain it. But it feels like you’re right next to me, your eyes shining and your hands flapping around my face to get me to look at you.
I’m always paying attention to you. Even when you’re miles away. Even when you’re five hours ahead. I’m still
But there are some things I can’t do Tooru. I’m writing this here because I’m too scared to tell you. I’m scared that you’ll get angry, you’d snap. Or you’d be upset and try to pretend you’re fine.
Or you wouldn’t say anything at all. That we wouldn’t have anything left to say to each other.
It does feel like that sometimes, if I’m being honest. We call and there are just these pauses. I can hear you moving around. Sometimes you’re talking to people. I’m sure it’s the same for you. I’m usually walking back from class or doing homework when you call.
It’s not even the sad kind of silence, it’s just… really awkward. Kinda like we’re both wondering “why did I even call you again?”
What if you stopped calling?
What if I didn’t pick up?
Saved voice note - 26.11.2014, 6.10PM
[a long pause]
You… didn’t pick up Iwa-chan.
You almost always do, even if I screw up and call you in the middle of the night. You always… even if you’re half asleep you always say something.
I just…
[a pause]
I just hope everything’s alright. I’m worried but… it can’t be anything too bad, right? Maybe you’re just bogged down with school work. Or maybe you…
[a groan]
I don’t— I’ve never not known Iwa-chan! I’ve never not known what’s up with you, or what you’re thinking or… or… if something’s bothering you or… I’ve always known! I’ve always known you, but now I suddenly just don’t. Suddenly I’m in the dark and you barely seem to even… to even care and…
Maybe it shouldn’t bother me this much. But it does! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
[a soft beep]
[a pause]
So it was the homework.
[the sound of typing]
I don’t know why you had to text me that instead of just answering your phone.
I’m not mad at you I promise… I’m just— ARGH!!
26 November 2014, 6.10PM
Fuck.
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Tooru. I just. I just couldn’t and I’m sorry. I don’t know if there’s any point writing that in a letter I won’t send. Maybe I can only say it if I know you can’t hear.
I couldn’t have said it if I called.
(Couldn’t have lied, that is.)
You would have known, the way you always did. I’m a coward. I’m a coward and and I’m so, so, fucking sorry.
Saved voice note - 26.11.2014, 6.11PM
[a sigh]
Well… whatever. It’s okay Iwa-chan.
I’ll call you again tomorrow.
[recording ended]
26 November 2014, 6.11PM
Is this what you wanted all along?
Maybe it really is better this way.
Saved voice note - 29.11.2014, 1.46AM
Hey Iwa-chan. Been a while.
[silence, apart from the hum of traffic and the muffled sound of some upbeat music]
I… didn’t call you. It’s childish but… I was hoping that you’d… call first.
[a pause]
We went out today. The team. Ended up drinking a little too much… well, probably not that much. I just haven’t drunk anything in a while so… a little unsteady, little unsteady. That’s all.
I was gonna call you— swear! Things just… got in the way…
I’m sure you know how it is… that’s why you haven’t said anything, right?
[a distant voice calls out something unintelligible]
“Callate, Matteo! Estaba en una llamada...”
[recording ended]
16 December 2014, 7.18PM
I think today marks two weeks since we last actually spoke.
Yay.
That’s gotta be a new record for us.
I’ve been writing though. Pages and pages. Burnt my way through most of that notebook. At first I thought that I’d stop when the notebook ran out but… well. I ended up getting a new one. To write in. To write letters to you. Instead of talking.
Yeah… that’s fucked up.
I wonder what they think of us now. I mean… we never really said anything to the others about what happened before leaving, right? I think that they all still think we’re together, that nothing’s changed. Makki asks me about you sometimes. Said he was talking to you the other day— which means he’s already more qualified to answer that question than I am.
16 December 2014, 7.22PM
I still have that postcard, by the way. You might have forgotten about it.
Still haven’t figured out how to sign it off. I don’t think I can write it. But it doesn’t feel right to write anything else.
It’s like if I said it when I called you, it would feel like I was just pretending. Like I was just saying it because it’s what I would have said if it’s what I used to say.
It’s like I can only tell you what I really think if I’m writing it in here. You’d call it irony.
I love you Tooru. Still. I love you still.
Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.08PM
Maybe it was too good to be true, y’know what I mean?
Because I had you Iwa-chan. As much as any person can have someone else. And you were… you were kind of perfect, honestly.
[a laugh that sounds like nostalgia]
I… was it too much? Was it too much to want other things… want them so much that I tried to mess with what we had?
No… that’s not it… how do I put this...
[a pause]
20 December 2014, 9.10PM
“I want all of you. All, or none.”
I think about that a lot.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.08AM
I said I wanted all of you and I fucking meant it. I can’t… I don’t think I’d be happy with pieces, Iwa-ch— Hajime. What we had was so… so special. I didn’t think I could live with a watered-down version of it.
I thought maybe. Maybe if we were just friends...
But then we crash landed on the other side of the world. Shattered in slow motion— so slow that we didn’t realize what had happened until we cut ourselves on broken pieces.
And there’s so much… guilt, I think it is. For me, at least. Keeps me up sometimes. What if you hadn’t gone along with me? What if I said something different? What if I hadn’t said anything at all?
It’s driving me half insane. I mean just look at what I’m doing right now. Too scared to call you up and ask you how you’re doing, because what if the answer is fine.
I wanted things to be perfect. I just… I thought it would be for the best. Stupid.
[a beat of silence]
If it was going to end like this anyway, I wish we’d at least promised ourselves it wouldn’t. Wish I’d kissed you and said it would be perfect. Wish I’d allowed the distance to let us down gently, so it wouldn’t be either of our faults.
So I wouldn’t have to keep wondering where I went wrong.
20 December 2014, 9.15PM
“Iwa-chan, let’s end this.”
I miss you sometimes, and when I do, that’s what I hear. All the way back in your background, two nights before we both left.
You were looking off to the side, like you were focusing on some point I couldn’t see.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.11AM
[a quiet sniff]
I could barely look at you. I was scared and I… if I looked at you I knew I would lose my nerve.
20 December 2014, 9.16PM
I wasn’t expecting it then, but maybe I should have seen it coming.
You’re not the kind to settle. Not the kind to take risks you don’t think would pay off. Sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever be satisfied.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.15AM
You asked me if I didn’t want this. If I didn’t want you.
In case you’re wondering Iwa-chan, yes, I do remember it perfectly— word for word. It’s you, after all. That shouldn’t be a surprise.
You asked me if I didn’t want you, and my heart broke right then. How was it even possible to not want you? You were… are… everything to me. I was trying to protect you, protect what we had even if…
20 December 2014, 9.17PM
That’s when you said it. “I want all of you, or none.”
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.16AM
I wouldn’t blame you if you…
[his voice shakes]
I wouldn’t blame you if you… hated me, a little.
20 December 2014, 9.19PM
And I love you for that. I love the way you love things so much you would never accept anything less in return. Even if it hurts you. Even if it meant I wasn’t enough back then. Even if it means I’m not enough now, because you’ve always wanted more than anyone thought was humanly possible. Because you’ve always wanted exactly what you deserve.
And I love you for that, even now.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.18AM
I know we promised to stay the same. That we’d still be best friends, no matter what. I thought we could make it work.
But for the first time, you weren’t something I was certain about. I knew I hurt you when we broke up. We’re on thin ice. Typing out texts and deleting them. Recording a one-sided conversation because all the hurt and distance and guilt make honesty so damn hard.
[a long pause. when he speaks, his voice is quiet]
If I don’t call, if I don’t talk to you, I can pretend nothing has happened. I can pretend you’re still the Iwa-chan I’d spill my heart out to without a second thought.
20 December 2014, 9.20PM
I don’t think I ever let go. It’s been a month since we last spoke. I’m still holding onto you. To what I knew of you.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.20AM
You’ve changed so much. And I have no idea who you are anymore. I have no idea who you are now. It’s all I can do to cling onto what I used to know, onto who we used to be.
I know I’m talking to someone who doesn’t exist anymore. All these recordings… well.. They’re not really for the you in America, now are they?
Because I don’t know that you.
I know the you that switched off the gym lights to make sure I got home on time. I know the you that caught beetles in empty jam jars, only to set them free because everyone deserves a chance at life. I know the you that gave me a nosebleed to prove to meI wasn’t alone, because there were always six people on the court, that you would always have my back.
I don’t know the real you anymore Iwa-chan.
But let me pretend for a little longer.
20 December 2014, 9.20PM
I wanted to say something back then.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.20AM
And it’s not like you tried to stop me.
20 December 2014, 9.21PM
I wanted to say that you were wrong. That I would do anything— no matter how hard, no matter how distant, no matter how many hours there were between us. I would do anything to make sure you knew just how much you were loved.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.21AM
I know I can be a lot. I know I can be too much. I wouldn’t blame you for realizing I was more than you could give.
20 December 2014, 9.23PM
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I knew the only reason I would stop you would be for my own selfishness.
There was a new life for you in Argentina. The kind of future you had always wanted. I would never do anything to keep you from that. And if you were telling me that we needed to end this because of all that…
Well, I’d do anything for you. This was anything.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.22AM
You’ve only ever wanted what was best for me, even when I hardly knew what that was.
You’ve only ever given me… so much more than I could have asked for.
And there I was, asking for one last sacrifice.
So I could never blame you, Iwa-chan, for making it.
20 December 2014, 9.23PM
Sometimes I feel like I’m still eighteen. I feel like I’m still right where you left me. Like I haven’t moved since then, even as you went on ahead and never turned back.
You deserve everything you want Tooru. Everything you’ve worked so fucking hard for. I wish I could be there with you, with you every step of the way. But if this is as close as I can get— that’s okay.
I’ll make my peace with it.
Saved voice note - 21.12.2014, 2.23PM
You have your own life now. And I suppose… I have mine. You once told me to never stop moving forward. To keep going without hesitation.
And I will. I promise. Even if you can hardly remember what I was like, or who we were, I’ll be someone you can be proud of.
I’ll hold onto these memories of you for as long as I can. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That’s not something I’m going to forget.
I think I will always be looking over my shoulder for you, Iwaizumi Hajime.
[recording ended]