Chapter Text
The summer between sophomore and junior year was the sun, hot and bright and all alone. Tommy spent his days sleeping in and his nights numbing himself with Dream, Sapnap, and George.
On the days all three were busy, he would sit in his room and blast music through his headphones. He would listen to anything fast and loud and spend hours well into the night playing CS:GO, Minecraft, or Rust. He played with strangers. He didn’t have anyone to play with.
A few times, Phil offered to drive him to the beach or the mall, wherever he wanted. Tommy never took him up on the offer. He would say he didn’t feel like it, which was the truth, but he also couldn’t find it in him to trust that his father would be sober while they drove.
A month into the summer, he found himself sweating and crying on the sticky, cold tiles of his bathroom. It was just all too much and nothing at all. His chest hurt, he’d been wearing his binder far too long, but he couldn’t find the strength in him to take it off. His breath caught in his throat, he choked on a sob, he gripped his hair tighter. His face felt like static, his hands following suit, and he could barely hear his own crying over the roaring in his ears. Phil wasn’t even home. It was a Saturday, he should have been, but he wasn’t. He screamed in frustration, which quieted into a sob, and eventually subsided to sniffles.
He missed Tubbo more than anything. It didn’t matter how much attention the Dream Team paid him, how much guilt money Phil spent on him, he felt entirely alone.
With a running nose that was wiped against the back of his wrist, he grabbed his phone off the bathroom counter.
The phone rang for what felt like an eternity, each sound jarring and making his stomach twist.
Tubbo didn’t pick up.
“Hi, this is Tubbo Dahlberg, I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you back!”
Tommy swallowed the venom in his throat. Listened for the beep.
“Hello, Tubbo. I… I know we haven’t spoken in a while. I know it’s because I was being an asshole. I just- I can’t-“ He took a deep, shaky breath, “I can’t keep doing this, Tubbo. I miss you t-too much. I feel like if we keep avoiding each other my fuckin’ head’s gonna explode. I- I want to be your friend again. I understand if you… if you don’t want that. Just p-please let me know, okay? I just want to talk. I miss you, big T. I love you.”
He hung up. Held his breath for a moment, then let out a sob. His phone started ringing.
“H- Hello?” He tried to clear his throat.
“Hey, Tommy?” Tubbo’s voice was guarded.
“Um, yeah, w-what’s up?”
“I was just calling back, I saw I missed a call from you. What were you calling about?”
Tommy hesitated. “Can you meet me at the head of the Wildwood trails?”
He heard Tubbo think it over, caution holding them close. “Um… like, now?”
“Yeah, in like ten minutes.”
“…I suppose so, yes.”
“Great. I’ll see you there.” Tommy hung up, his heart racing and a grin pushing to the front of his face. He felt as though he discovered an oasis in the heart of a desert. The arid air of summer vacation thus far gave way to shimmering waters. They were cool, they were his savior, but they were still out of his reach. A mere ten minute walk away. Respite was on the horizon.
He ruffled his hair in the mirror, splashed cool water in his face, made sure Tubbo wouldn't be able to tell he was crying. When he finished with grabbing himself a bottle of Coke from the fridge, and lacing up his sneakers, he didn't bother to text Phil or leave a note explaining where he'd be.
Phil wouldn't notice, anyways.
Tommy was already sweating by the time he reached their meeting spot, Californian June be damned. He wiped his forehead and stood around as he waited for his ex-friend, waited for the end of his drought. The excitement he felt almost dampened the pain in his ribs.
Fundy’s car pulled up a few minutes later and Tubbo got out, giving their brother a short wave before he drove off. They turned to look at Tommy, face muted and confused.
“Hello,” they greeted, standing a dozen feet away. They put their hands in their pockets.
"Tubbo!" Tommy shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts, otherwise he didn't know if he'd be able to stop himself from hugging Tubbo.
"Hey. I, uh… well, this was pretty impulsive!" He admitted, with a laugh. "But... can we please talk?"
Tubbo watched him for a moment, then nodded and started walking along the trail, expecting him to follow. They pulled a box mod out of the pocket of their jeans and took a hit as they walked, white vapour billowing out of their mouth like clouds.
“What d’you want to talk about?”
Tommy strolled along with them. He watched, too, and quirked an eyebrow. "Since when did you vape?"
A frown tugged at their lips and they took another hit. “Quite frankly, that is none of your business.”
"Hey, man, I'm in no place to judge." He revealed his own dab pen, cart half-empty. "I'm not super familiar with that make- that nicotine or weed?" He once again followed their lead, taking a hit and letting the vapor billow out with a gentle sigh.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Tubbo said, abrupt and final as they put it back in their pocket. “I asked what you wanted me here for.”
Tommy pressed his lips into a thin line. "You," he admitted. "Not in that way! Not in that way. I just... I miss you a lot. I miss our friendship- life has fucking sucked without you, quite honestly, and I was hoping we could make amends?" He was putting up a brave front, willing his voice to not waver, but inside he could feel every nerve shoot anxiety through his body.
They watched the ground as they walked, bending down to pick up a pebble. “We? I don’t think I have anything to make amends for.”
"Well... you kinda abandoned me at a really bad time." He took another hit, and in a moment of reflection: "but that's pretty much my fault too, huh? Look, Tubbo, I'm... really sorry things got as bad as they did. I... I shouldn't have..." his vision went blurry with wet eyes, and he chuckled, wiping at them. "I'm sorry. Give me a second."
Tubbo watched him, lips pursed and eyes unamused. “I have something to say about what you just said, but continue.”
"No, you first. I wanna address all your concerns, you know," he waved a hand, motioning for them to go on.
They hesitated, then looked down at the pebble in their hand. “You realise it’s shitty to say I abandoned you, don’t you? Abandoned? I needed time to let myself heal and get my energy back after being your… your fucking emotional support animal for three years straight. I’m sorry you were going through a hard time, but it’s not like my life was peachy. Eret lost her job a week after we stopped talking. Fundy and I had to get part time jobs, and we still barely scraped by on rent. This is the problem with you, Tommy. You think no one else in the world has ever faced anything as horrible as what you’ve been through.”
"I know, I know! I'm..." he felt his heart grow dizzy at their confessions of hardship, "I'm sorry Tubbo. I've never been good with thinking through what I say before I say it."
He took another hit so that he could.
"Look, I recognize that I wasn't a good friend. It was wrong of me to use you. Super wrong. And I regret having never been able to support you, to have been there for you when you needed me. Circumstances caught up to me, and I felt miserable, and I took it out on you. I can't even imagine how awful I must've made you feel." He paused, partially to see if Tubbo would say anything in response, partially so he could inhale just a little bit more from his pen.
Tubbo watched him, then tossed the pebble off into the brush. “Okay,” they said, a sign to continue.
"I miss you a lot, though. I really do. A lot of my happiest memories are with you- and you made even the shittiest ones bearable. I've just... been reflecting for a while. And I think I'm in a place where we can be friends again. I hope I am. I promise I'm gonna be better to you- and if I'm not, you have my full permission to smack me." He took a shaky inhale, putting his vape back in his pocket. "If you don't want to see me anymore though, if... if you don't want me back as a friend, then that's... fine. But I strongly urge you to consider it. Pretty please?"
For a moment, they were quiet, dark brown eyes on his lighter blue.
“You said I could smack you?”
Tommy stopped in his tracks.
"Yes. Why, would you like to?" He was already brushing hair from his face in preparation. Tommy had gotten in a fair few scuffles as of late, including wrestles with the Dream Team. He was pretty sure a slap or two or ten from Tubbo would be nothing.
They hesitated, then slapped him with their palm as hard as they could. Tubbo watched a red mark form on his cheek, then they rushed him into a hug, pulling him close and burying their face under his chin.
“I missed you too. I don’t hate you but I should.”
Tommy sucked air in through his teeth to deal with the sting. He thought of Wilbur, who put money over family but provided Tommy with understanding. He thought of Technoblade, who never knew his limits, but would kill the world for Tommy. Maybe he should hate both of them, and oftentimes he did, but he missed them more than anything.
"Boy, have I been there, done that. I'm sorry again, Tubbo," his scrappy arms pulled them closer, and he blinked away tears. He'd never felt more at-home than he did in the moment.
Tubbo held onto him tighter, squeezing their eyes shut to keep tears back. “Can we go to your house?”
"Yeah," he nodded, chin rubbing against their scalp. "No one's home. Uh, actually, Techno and Wil both got kicked out, so it's just me and dad these days. And dad isn't even around that often anyways."
They pulled away to look up at him. “What? Why? Techno overdosed earlier this year, shouldn’t he be safe at home with you guys?”
"He was doin' heroin, and dad didn't want that around, I guess," he huffed. "Dad's... dad started drinking. So he hasn't been super smart as of late. Tech ended up moving in with some guy he barely knew, but I met the kid, you know. He passes the vibe check," he smirked, and turned to start going back the way they came.
Tubbo ignored the lump in their throat and the pit in their stomach. “I’m sorry,” they mumbled, “that’s awful.”
"It's whatever. Oh, were you around for figurin' out the whole Wilbur coke thing, too?" Tommy's tone was casual, almost entertained.
They looked up at him, eyes wide. “Like cocaine?”
"Yeah! So dad's drinking, Wilbur's on cocaine, and Techno's doing heroin now." He was unwarrantedly cheery, talking on the light side of everything so he could handle it, before his eyes widened. "Shit! I'm doing it again! Using you like a therapist- I'm sorry, man. You got anything to share? To even our score?"
Tubbo hesitated. “I… I dunno. I’m sorry your family’s being shit. Eret got a new job, and she’s been working really hard. She’s been gone most of the time.” They were quiet for a while. “Fundy and I are still sharing a room, even though our dad moved up to Atlanta again. He made a rule that no one’s allowed in his room.”
As they crossed the threshold of the trail head back onto the pavement, Tubbo watched the ground below their feet.
“I found where Fundy keeps his Adderall. I just wanted to know what it was like.” They pulled the hem of their shirt out of their jeans to show a large, purple, blooming bruise on their ribs. “He gave me this.”
"Shit, man," his eyebrows lowered on his face. "Want me to beat him up for you?" It was only partially a joke.
“No,” they muttered, tucking their shirt back in and pulling the vape out of their pocket again. “He bought me this so I wouldn’t tell Eret. So, I’ve somewhat forgiven him.” They offered a cheeky grin up at their friend as they took a hit.
"Smart, the good ol' blackmail trick," he mirrored their smile. "How... how was the Adderall?"
They thought for a moment. “It was nice. Euphoric. I’d be up for doing it again, but Schlatt said he won’t sell to me until I’m eighteen.”
"Damn that Schlatt. You know, I could probably get him to sell to me, maybe. Or, I could buy through, like, George." A few beats of silence passed, before he snorted. "Man, we sure have changed. This is hilarious! Finally link back up and immediately start offering to buy each other pills."
Tubbo snorted a laugh. “That’s not good, is it?”
"Maybe not, but it's funny. You're not mad about it, though, are you? We can totally drop it, if so."
They shrugged. “I just figured you weren’t much for pills, because of… y’know.”
"I mean... it's sorta hard to die via Adderall, isn't it?" The trails were only a short walk from home, and already, the Watson household was coming into view. Tommy was right, there were no cars in the driveway.
They laughed a little. “It’s probably not hard at all, you know it’s a chemical sister of meth, don’t you?”
"Oh, really? Huh. I thought- you know, since it's so common... huh." He shrugged. "Shows you what I know! Yeah. Please don't overdose, Tubbo. That'd be, like, my third brother, and I'm really not trying to start a collection, here."
Tubbo was quiet as they went inside the house, their fingers tingling a little at the familiarity of the place. “I won’t,” they said, “promise.”
The house was silent, and a little messier than Tubbo remembered. "Good. So, am I allowed to ask if that vape's nicotine or weed now?" he pointed to Tubbo's pocket.
“It’s nic,” they said, “I’m not a fan of weed. It feels too similar to when I zone out.” Tubbo pulled the box mod out again and offered it to Tommy. “You can try it, if you like. It’s pretty strong, though.”
Tommy was already pretty familiar with nicotine vapes, but missed sharing food and drinks and laughs with Tubbo. This felt similar enough, so he took it from them. "Do you drink at all?" he asked, before taking a hit. He was startled by how strong it was.
“No,” they mumbled as they took it back from him and headed up the stairs to his bedroom. “I don’t wanna be like Schlatt.”
"I get it, man. You don't mind... if I do though, do you? I really don't drink all that often, just around friends and if I'm really down." The AC was kind to their sweaty skin, and Tommy's room in particular was quite cold. He shut the door behind them, and set about cleaning some of the mess on his floor.
Tubbo stared at him as they hovered just inside the doorway. “You drink when you’re depressed?”
"What? No. I dunno what you're talking about," he deflected, a smile coming to his face. "It's fine, seriously. So what do you wanna do?"
They hesitated a moment, then sat on his bed. “Could we just watch a show and cuddle or something? I haven’t really… I dunno. Ranboo is nice but he’s very bony, you know? I miss… I miss cuddling with you.”
Tommy spoke with a voice as though he were talking to a dog. "Aw, Tubbo missed cuddling with me?"
He grinned wide, then sat beside Tubbo. "Yeah, man, of course." He pulled Tubbo closer, into his arms. "I'm glad you've had Ranboo all this time. I really am."
Tubbo hummed in agreement and wriggled around a little, pulling him closer and wrapping their limbs around him. “He’s nice. I’ve missed you, though.”
Tommy fell back so they were laying down. "I've missed you too. Dream and those guys... they're not really cuddlers." A pause. "Well, they are, just not... to me. Understandable, they're cool seniors 'n all that. Grads, now. Damn."
They nodded and pressed their head into his chest.
“We’re gonna be juniors next year, huh? All the old people are gonna move on, it’s just gonna be us, Ranboo, and Purpled.”
"Well, as far as I know, lots of people are staying in town for like, another year at least, probably." He brought a hand up to their hair, raking his fingers through. "But in school, yeah... that's gonna be really weird."
“I mean, I know Fundy’s going to the community college before he does a four year. Maybe other people would too?” Tubbo suggested, letting themself relax in his arms.
"Yeah, most likely. Have you started using new shampoo?"
Tubbo nodded. “Mhm. Switched to a type that a girl at the farmer’s market makes. It’s custom ‘n everything.”
"It feels softer than I remember. What's in it?" Tommy smiled, even if they couldn't see it. He missed this.
“Um, lemme think… “ they trailed off, pulling away to stare at his ceiling and take a hit of their vape. “She makes it with hemp tea tree Dr. Bronner’s and adds something like, rosemary olive oil and stuff. She taught me how to make my own conditioner out of avocados and oatmeal and honey and stuff.”
"Incredible. You know what I use?"
They shuddered and narrowed their eyes at him. “If you say two in one, I’m actually going to go home.”
"Well it totally isn't that, then," Tommy's face nearly split in two from how wide he was grinning.
Tubbo made a noise of disgust and shrunk away from him. “You’re cis, you’re cis!”
"Oh God, don't say that!" Tommy shouted, before breaking out into violent cackles. "No, I don't use two-in-one. I do use Head and Shoulders, though."
“Why didn’t you just say that? That’s fine!” They laughed.
"Because I like spooking you," he grabbed them and pulled them closer once more, "now come here."
They smiled and pushed against his chest with their head, letting out a content sigh. “Can we watch a show or something?”
"Right, I forgot." Tommy reached lazily to his bedside table, and took the remote. He flickered on the TV for the first time in months, and was shocked when he got to the Netflix screen. The only two profiles listed were 'Dad' and 'Toms.' "Well, shit. Dad took them off Netflix and everything."
Tubbo grimaced. “That’s mean.”
"Yeah, well... Tech's got a job, I think, and Wilbur's boyfriend is loaded or something." He selected his profile, and began scrolling through. "Is there anything you wanna watch?"
They hummed. “Could we watch The Office again? Skip the first episode, though?”
"Oh, fuck yeah, I haven't watched this show in a bit."
When the theme song came on, he was thrown back to simpler times. Memories of seventh grade, wrapped up together in a blanket on a snow day, danced across his memory. At the time, they had just finished watching the show all the way through for the first time together. Now, they were starting their fifth watch-through.
“Who d’you think I’m most like in The Office?” Tubbo asked.
Tommy hesitated. "Maybe Pam? Dunno. You're kinda hard to categorize."
They thought it over for a moment. “Okay, I see that. You’re Andy, but you want to be Jim.”
Tommy gawked. "What? What?! No, take it back."
“No, I’m right. You wish you were Jim. You’re Andy through and through and you know it.” Tubbo shook their head.
"I'm not listening to you anymore. All I hear is Michael Scott and his voice is oh-so-nice."
“You think Michael’s voice is nice?” Tubbo laughed a little. “You have such shit taste in everything, man.”
"You have a shit taste in vapes. Seriously, what flavor was that?"
“It’s not flavored. I’m not a pussy.” Tubbo huffed.
"Yeah, you are. You're such a pussy you can't stand a little pizzazz. Where's the personality? Where's the excitement?" he jeered.
“You named yourself Tommy and you wear blue jeans and blank t-shirts. You have literally no space to speak on personality.” Tubbo laughed.
"What's wrong with Tommy?!" his jaw went slack.
“Your brother named himself Technoblade. You don’t see how one is more interesting than the other?”
"It's interesting because it was a DND character's name first. I'm not about to name myself Balgoroth the Third or something stupid like that. I like Tommy just fine, thank you very much."
They shrugged. “You also use Head and Shoulders. And Axe. And you have America’s most popular boy’s haircut right now. And your room doesn’t have any decoration other than an Ed Sheeran poster and some Funko Pops.”
Tommy pressed his lips in a thin line. "I really don't like your attitude, Tubbo. At least I don't have a bowl cut."
“I don’t have a bowl cut, I haven’t for three years. I have a wolf cut, I’ll have you know. And I have plants in my room, and I wear handmade sweaters and I know how to make mead from scratch. I am statistically more interesting than you.”
"You make mead? I thought you didn't drink?"
“I helped Ranboo make it for his chemistry class last year and I liked it so I’ve been playing around with it. I’ve made lavender, cherry, and blackberry mead now. You missed out on a lot of the Tubbo mead arc.”
"...But you don't drink it?" Tommy tilted his head. He had completely stopped paying attention to the show at this point.
They shrugged. “I like tasting it. I give most of it to Eret, though. She likes it the most out of anyone. Her favorite is the blackberry.”
"What if she's just drinking it to make you feel better? What if it's actually shit?" he joked.
“Eret has a very sensitive palate. She wouldn’t do that.” Tubbo insisted.
"Maybe she has bad taste too. Actually, what would you say if I drank your blackberry mead and ended up loving it?" he proposed. "Now, think this through very carefully. You're either admitting I have good taste, or you're admitting your mead sucks."
“Even if you have shit taste, you’d like my mead. With Wilbur as your brother, I bet you’d like any alcohol I gave you.” Tubbo grumbled.
Tommy gasped. "You're an asshole." He didn't mean it, of course. In fact, he couldn't be happier, falling into the familiar bickering with Tubbo.
They huffed a small laugh. “On that subject,” they began, “where is Phil? Doesn’t he have the weekends off?”
"He does. He's out drinking, probably. He has a few buddies and they'll all go together. One of them is Karl's uncle, actually."
Tubbo pulled their lips tight trying not to frown. “I’m sorry.”
"It's really whatever." He memorized the feeling of them in his arms, worried he'd lose it again. He looked down and buried his face in their scalp, smelling all the notes Tubbo mentioned about the farmer's market shampoo. He remembered, this is why Tubbo was his best friend.
He wondered why he had ever let them drift apart.
After a while, Tubbo fell asleep in his arms, their chest gently rising and falling as they slept.
Tommy looked down at them with a fondness that felt so profound.
This was what made it all worth it, he decided. He never wanted to leave his room, his bed, his Tubbo.
He couldn't even be bothered to feel the dread he usually did when he heard the front door open after another hour or two of watching The Office. He listened as Phil went down the hall, and straight to his own room without so much as a "hello" to his son.
Tommy fell asleep, too. Tubbo made it easy.