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It’s one of those nights where the air is fresh, and clear, and utterly suffocating. With the moon hiding in the shadows of dark clouds, the world feels small and compacted, like everything there is to see is restricted to one’s vision field, and Gura is restless. It’s the kind of unrest where her bones feel like they have a mind of their own, and she feels disconnected like a glitch in a still loading texture on a computer.
When that happens, she likes to be alone, most of the time. Sometimes she doesn’t. But how do you tell someone ‘ I feel like my insides are eating me alive, and I just want to scream ’ without being looked at weirdly. She doesn’t like that, people looking at her weird. She has made so many efforts to understand how people worked, to coexist with them, sometimes she’s taken aback when she remembers that kindness is not a choice made by everyone. But then again, she understands, for she has been unkind at many occasions, and she forgives them, always.
This night, she doesn’t have to ask, because Death comes for her on her own.
She feels Calli’s presence more than she hears her arriving. It’s always a strange thing, being around Calli. It took her a long time to figure out why. She was a predator, and everything in her body, her whole organism is primed for survival in the form of the hunt. She’s wired to choose ‘fight’ over “flight’ everytime, and correlatively everything in her cells is made for detecting preys, chasing them and tearing them apart. But, evolutively speaking, no organism is prepared to handle Death and live to tell the tale. Therefore, she learned that Calli’s presence had the unsettling effect of shutting down her animalistic instincts. It was a strange sensation, odd and buried deep within her, that first scared her beyond measures. But she has grown accustomed to it and learned to embrace it, even appreciate it.
Her awareness of the world becomes dull, blurry like a landscape behind a foggy window, and the part in her brain that makes her fingers twitch, her tongue press against sharp teeth and her jaw itch, fades away. She hears Calli’s light footsteps on the wooden dock she’s sitting on and she feels her hesitation as the girl shifts her weight on her legs, a few feets from her.
“Am I interrupting?” Calli's soft voice is carried by the light breeze, soothing, and unconsciously, Gura relaxes even more, like her intonations are part of nature's noises around her.
“Never.” That’s not a complete truth, but Gura wished it was, and that must count for something, she thinks.
Calli leans down to sit beside her, her energy of the underworld absorbing everything around her, and the restlessness inside Gura subsides.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” She offers the explanation although none is needed.
“Oh, have I been gone for long?” It’s so easy, losing track of time, especially for a distracted brain like hers. Especially for an old shark whose conception of time is relative. She feels a bit guilty.
“A bit, but it’s alright. Amelia and Kiara started a chess game, and Ina is playing referee. I elected to avoid this mess.”
The tenderness laced in her teasing tone makes Gura smile. It has always been something of a wonder to her, how Calli had become so endeared with all of them, and how she expressed it. Rarely in her spoken words, but always in the meaning behind them, like an image painted by a metaphor.
“I think I’ll just wait here to clean up the mess afterwards.”
The conversation ends, simply, and naturally, and they are left looking at the calm water, swaying gently at the rhythm of the few gust of winds disrupting its surface, making the moon dance in the bright reflections.
Sometimes, Gura feels the urge to dive and submerge herself to drown the outside world. Everything was so loud, vibrant and moving quickly in the upper lands; occasionally, she would long for the muffled sounds of the ocean. But not tonight, because tonight she could hear the distant music coming out of the speakers, a comforting background noise only interrupted by bursts of voices and laughs, vibrant with energy, bouncing between the people she loved, and the familiar feel of the water against her skin paled in comparison to the warmth of a home.
She places her hand on the surface of the lake, just pressing enough to wet her palm, but not the back of her hand.
“Do you miss it? Atlantis.”
The question is not unexpected; it rarely is.
“No.” A partial truth. “Well, sometimes. Not tonight, though.”
Despite the absence of her instincts, she feels Calli’s nervousness. Calli picks up a rock, fidgeting with it, holding it to the light of moon. She clears her throat, and passes a hand in her hand. It amuses Gura, to see the avatar of Death so agitated. So she waits for her to stop stalling, patiently, pushing her curiosity at the back of her mind.
Calli’s question drops, like a stone in a lake, sending ripples echoing through her ribcage, sinking.
“Do you hate me, Gura?”
The question is unexpected, but then, not really.
She takes her times before answering, truly pondering the words in her mind. There are some questions that appear simple, but are not. And there are answers that appear complex, but are not.
“I did, for a long time.”
She looks at Calli and remembers how she used to feel. How she used to picture her throat torn apart by her bloody teeth, how she used to dream about driving a trident through her heart and just scream until her lungs gave out, how she made Calli the face and target of her ire. Her stomach turns at the thought now, and she feels the need to reach out, taking Calli’s hand in hers, more for her sake than Calli’s.
Calli tenses at first, then her body relaxes like a sigh after a long day, and Gura can see the memories flooding her mind. Those same memories had plagued her own mind for a long time so she relates to the feeling, and she waits, understanding, anchoring Calli by the palm of her hand.
It was not the first time Calli had borne witness to the fall of a civilisation, and wouldn’t be the last; it did not make it any less awe striking. She could never get used to the chaos living beings were able to create, revelling and dwelling in it, precipitating their death like it was their purpose of existence, uncaring. It was something she never had been able to wrap her head around: they had such a limited time, only but a drop of water in an ocean, so why waste it away.
Perched on a rock, still getting used to the feeling of the water, omnipresent, pressing on every part of her body, she lets her eyes wander around the dark scenery below her. Boiling water crashing against pristine, carved stone, shattering it like thunder during a storm, buildings falling apart, falling on the ones they once called their owners, blood diluted in somber waters, leaving trails of metallic crimson in the currents, promise of a feast for nearby fauna patiently biding their time to clean up the mess; but the worst, the most unnerving to Calli is the sounds. Cries and screams and shouts and sobs that she knows - never soon enough - will fade away, leaving only the ghost of voices trapped in the memory of mute ruins.
And so she waits, preparing her scythe for the souls to come, whom she would accompany to the next part of their journey in existence, because everything and everyone has a place in the universe, and she had chosen this one.
How long does it take for a civilization to crumble? Is it measured in the chaos of destruction as creation becomes dust, in the lives lost to history, or in all the infinite moments that lead to it? The interrogations hover in Calli’s mind, although she’s uninterested in actually seeking answers. She lets them float around her head, untethered, as she starts moving.
The process of harvesting soul is a simple one, and rarely does something come to interrupt it. But every once in a while, even in Calli’s perfect, balanced existence, something comes and tilts the scale. Something catches her eyes before the sound of a pained whine reaches her ears, deformed by the density of the water. A ray of light coming from a broken lantern, spilling its bioluminescence on the stained sand like a gutted fish, reflecting on silver hair.
Calli sighs. A survivor. It was never pleasant, when there was one, but sometimes she thinks it would be worse if there wasn’t.
The small frame of a denizen of Atlantis, tail pinned under a hundred stone of debris, was inhaling water with difficulty, gills flailing erratically as the liquid surrounding her reddens, dark and thick. When Calli’s eyes reach her face, she can’t help but flinch, surprised. The shark girl is staring straight at her, icy blue eyes fixed and unreadable with the barest hint of resentment. Calli blinks, shifting her weight on her legs. She never knew how to react when people were able to see her - as little as it had happened.
Maybe she could take her soul too , she ponders for a moment. Maybe it would be a mercy . But deep down, she knows it’s not meant to be, so she doesn’t.
She’s about to tear her eyes away, uneasy in front of the heavy, silent stare of the girl when the latter speaks up, her voice but a murmur lined with sorrow and suffering.
“Where are you taking them?”
Calli never saw the point of lying, so she doesn’t. “To the Underworld.”
“Can you take me with them?” The voice becomes a pleading whine.
“No, I can’t. They are dead, and you are not.”
“But I don’t want to be alone.”
Calli doesn’t know how to answer, so she doesn’t. When she turns her back to the shark, resuming what she came here to do, something weighs on her heart and she doesn’t know what to do with it.
It’ll pass , she thinks, as all things do .
“When- When did you stop hating me?”
Something is Calli’s voice is wavering, and it makes Gura sad. She turns her head to look at Calli for the first time since she had arrived, but the girl’s gaze is fixed upon the horizon, where the sky meets the land, bathed in moonlight, jaw locked and shoulders tense. Gura squeezes her hand.
“After a while… Well, a while relatively speaking. In hindsight, it doesn’t seem that long now, but it did feel like it would never end, at the time.”
Gura lets the word out, raw and honest, because anything else would be an insult to Calli. A moment passes. Gura doesn’t stop looking at Calli.
“I thought that you had forgotten me, when we met again.”, Calli confesses with a sigh, as if she was finally putting down something heavy she had been carrying. Gura’s brow furrows, as guilt creeps up in her bones. She had never realized Calli had been thinking so much about this.
“To be honest, I pretended to. I thought that was what you wanted.”
Calli laughs humorlessly, bitter. Seeing the sorrowful expression on her face, Gura lets her thumb brush softly against the back of Calli’s hand in a rhythmic motion, to the beat of the water’s heart. The girl relaxes, letting herself be calmed by the soothing touch. As Gura studies her, something nags at her stomach, and since she has never been the best at impulse control, she blurts out, immediately regretting the abruptness of it.
“Is that why you’re so cold to Kiara? You’re afraid she’ll end up resenting you, for reaping her soul over and over again?”
Calli’s face falls and she closes her eyes like she’s taking a punch. She doesn’t answer; she doesn’t have to. Gura’s heart breaks at the sight. The weight of one’s guilt, whether it’s warranted or not, can be suffocating, especially when carried alone. Gura hopes that Calli will let her carry it with her.
“Oh, Calliope…”, she whispers, at a loss for words. She brings her free hand to Calli’s cheek, leaning up to press a gentle kiss on her forehead. Calli’s body falls into hers and she catches it, wrapping her arms around the girl.
“How do you do it? Just feel , all the time, for so long?”
Gura can’t help but let a burst of laughter at the question, so naive, so innocent, so vulnerable. She should have a speech prepared by now, she thinks. It’s not like it hadn’t been on her mind. Thousands of years will make a philosopher out of anyone, in the end. But instead she says:
“Honestly, I dunno, I just do. Kinda don’t have the choice too.”
A beat passes before Calli’s shoulders start to shake, soon followed by a billowing laugh escaping from her throat. Gura is startled by the response at first, but not displeased, so she joins in, her heart fluttering with simple joy.
“You’re a strong shark, you know.”, Calli eventually says, so low that Gura barely catches it. “I don’t know everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve seen, and yet here you are, playing games with us on a fresh summer night, laughing and playing along as Ame bullies you, making puns with Ina, food fighting with Kiara, talking about Shrek with me... You’re the strongest of us all. It’s something that I really admire about you. I know you call Amelia the Sun, with reasons, but you shine just as bright.”
“D’aw, that’s corny.”, Gura shoots back but the pink tint in her cheek betrays her embarrassment. She doesn’t try to hide it, though.
It was another thing Calli loved about her, the way she wore her feelings of her sleeve, never afraid to show them to the world.
“So, what does scare the fearless shark, then?”
Gura considers dodging the question for an instant, and talking about horror games and movies, or weird animals she saw documentaries, or even the shadows that lurks in her dreams. But tonight, as the moon is hanging low in the sky, the lake is shining of a thousand shards of light, and some strings in her heart think of what used to be her home, she longs for comfort, so she opens her heart, inviting Calli in.
“Being angry.”
The answer is unexpected.
Calli doesn't understand, so she waits. She sees something dancing in Gura’s eyes, something distant, something ancient, something she recognises for having seen it so many times before. Guilt. It echoes through Calli’s chest.
“I’ve been really angry before. For a long time. At the people who died on Atlantis, at the city for falling down, at the fact that I was left all alone in a world too big. At you , for having been there. I didn’t know what to do with all my rage, so I made it as a weapon and battled against the world. It was the kind of anger that makes you want to reach inside of yourself and rip out your heart so that it would just stop beating so painfully in your chest.”
Flashes of memories assails her brain: the shells of boats pierced as humans were screaming, jumping for their lives, flesh torn apart in a symphony of cries, and blood, always blood, omnipresent and intoxicating, the weight of her trident in her hand as she scrutinized the depths, hoping to catch a glimpse of pink hair, somewhere in a shadow, palm twitching on her weapon’s handle.
Her voice is strained, haunted, and it makes Calli want to wrap her arms around her, so she does. The contact makes Gura tremble and Calli strengthens her hold.
“And then I became really tired, and my rage turned to sadness. I could have drowned in it. So, that’s what scares me. Knowing I have been in that kind of mental state, and that I can be again.”
“I understand.” A partial truth.
Not that Calli understands the feeling herself, but she understands the way this had molded Gura into the person she was now. Why she was so fearlessly gripping to joy and hope, and making connections because that’s what tethers her to this life. Not what she does, but what she feels. The thought is so terrifying to Calli, so beautiful, that it makes her eyes tear up.
Even after all this time, Gura was still a little shark, afraid to be alone.
Calli tightens her hold over Gura who sinks into her embrace, peaceful.
“Do you know why me? Why everyone else died, and I survived?” Gura asks, her throat taken by emotions, a voice so thin Calli thinks it would break.
“No, I don’t.”
“Do you know when I’ll die?”
“Would you want to know, if I did?”
A pause, then a partial truth.
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“Do you wish you could forget, sometimes?”
“Never.” This time, her voice is assured, without the hint of a doubt. “I know my brain is a bit of a mess, and I do forget a lot of things, sometimes on purpose even. But in reality, everything that matters, it’s still in there. And I would never want to forget, even when it’s painful. Just like I never would want to forget you guys” She adds, and Calli hears the smile in her voice.
Calli feels overwhelmed, Gura’s emotions too large and powerful for her to handle, so she deflects with a laugh.
“With your thousands of years of experience, I’m sure you’ll find better friends. Maybe even Aliens.” She tries to joke, but the tone falls flat.
Gura doesn’t take the bait, for once, and she responds in a distant voice.
“It’s something I’ve been asked a lot, actually.” From her mouth escapes a hollow laugh, where Calli can feel the ghosts of Gura’s past. “‘ You have lived so much, and will live so much more, what can I possibly mean to you. ’ but even if I tell them, they don’t truly understand. Because it means everything to me. Each person I meet, each person I love, is what makes my life worth living, the pain and the joy of it all, the highs and the lows. I never want to be numb to the world again. I never want to be cold again. I prefer to be crying of sorrow, or laughing until my stomach hurts. I prefer to love and lose, because feeling nothing is the most terrifying thing in the world.”
The silence that follows is a comfortable one, because everything that needed to be said had been said, so they hold each other, letting the emotions drift away in the moonlight over the water.
When they get back inside, they’re still holding hands but no one bats an eye.
But then again, Amelia is tackling Kiara on the couch, hitting her with a pillow as Kiara is gripping Ina’s sleeves, trying to make her join the fight. The chess board in on the floor, surrounded by scattered pieces. Their presence is acknowledged by a cushion landing on Calli’s face, who immediately falls into a defensive position and narrows her eyes at Kiara.
“Kusotori…” she warns, dragging the ‘i’ in a menacing tone.
The tension grows then bursts with a surprised squeal of Amelia followed by a grunt, who falls on her ass, pushed by a tentacle disappearing as quickly as it appearead. Amelia whips her head at Ina who feigns innocence, looking at the ceiling with an obvious smile.
Gura simply watches the scene play out, her chest swelling as she smiles lovingly.
“What’cha smiling about, stinky?”.
Amelia throws a piece of chess at her head, but she misses which makes Gura giggle uncontrollably, because Amelia is pouting at her fail, and Ina’s cheek are tinted in pink, her eyes but a squint because she’s smiling so hard, and Kiara is grabbing Calli’s arm making kissing noises, and Calli is pulling away with her head, but not her body, and Gura’s world is balanced, and just perfect.
Amelia squints her eyes playfully. “Guys, I think Gura is drunk!”
Everyone laughs, including Gura, and she catches Calli’s eyes who winks at her.
“I just love you guys.”
A complete truth.