Work Text:
0:00
Everything from here on now is of little importance.
So even if it’s just an afterthought;
It’s fine. It’s fine like that as well.
I’ll still want to talk about it.
With eyes slowly fluttering open, Junpei woke up with sore limbs.
Where am I?
The last thing he remembered before everything had gone dark was Yuuji calling out his name. He looked around trying to make sense of his current state searching for any clues as to where he may be. Usually, being in unfamiliar places would bring him a great amount of anxiety; his fear response would kick in and his airway would constrict, forcing him to take deep laboured breaths. This time however, was different. Junpei felt calm, relaxed, even maybe peaceful almost .
I'm dead aren't I?
0:21
A movie that was made so horribly,
that it fails to linger within anyone’s thoughts.
Even still now, yet even still now,
it continues to draw out its own continuation.
Junpei didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry or scream. He'd always prided himself on being more self aware than the bullies that had tormented him for so long. Yet, he let himself be manipulated by a curse, a non-human being who didn't even know the difference between right and wrong. Anger turned into pain which slowly morphed into self pity. Junpei hated that he was so weak and gullible; the embodiment of the characters he despised in the films that he had watched many times over. If Worm 2 was a film akin to anemic grey tiles covered in a layer of dust and grime, his life too was equally unmemorable. Made just to be forgotten; swept under the rug. He thought about Yuuji, how they had connected over their love for mainstream American media the day before he had died.
I wonder if he regrets meeting someone like me.
0:42
It’s so hard to express the things that are dear to me.
「My heart that cannot laugh is in pain.」
No, it’s just my imagination.
Looking back Junpei had never been good at showing his appreciation for the things that he had in the midst of all the misery and pain. He loved his mother dearly, willing to sacrifice anything for her wellbeing but never quite able to communicate it clearly. Now that he was no longer alive, the adolescent couldn’t help but grimace at the amount of bitterness he had let seep into the crevices of his heart. It wasn't as if he had never felt any other emotion other than the hatred he had felt for the people who had bullied him as well as those who had neglected to take action despite being witnesses. He had experienced it all through fiction. It was enough wasn’t it? So why? Why did it hurt so much?
0:52
So then, you held the hand of my unspeaking self,
who had always lived silently till that point.
It was always the small things that he never noticed. When he had decided to quit school, sure, the analogy his mother had made about education being an aquarium was somewhat lame if he had to admit. She was never good with education herself and had never prided herself on having a good one at that. However, he knew that deep down she was just trying her best to support him in the only way she knew how.
1:04
Hey.
What is it exactly that I want to say?
For there isn’t a single thing that I want to tell.
This half-transparent myself is a ghost.
Regret. Junpei regretted every moment that he never spoke his mind about what he was feeling. He never got to convey the gratitude he had, for the friends he had at school before he had left, his mother for dealing with his behaviour as problematic as it was, and most of all to Yuuji for showing him what it meant to be alive. It was too late afterall, they no longer resided on the same plane of existence. He could see everything, hear everything, but was no longer able to physically interact. He wanted so much to tell Yuuji to not blame himself; that if his decisions hadn’t been so impaired by his emotions, he would have accepted his offer. Nonetheless, it was just too late now.
1:16
Surely without being noticed, it would become hazy.
For the sake of making sure you don’t leave,
please look at me.
If he was still alive, would Yuuji still be friends with him? Laughing together at whatever jokes they would have been making. The humor lost on unnoticed references to the others around them. Would Yuuji still be looking at him with happiness? Relief? Or would his brown orbs be filled with disgust?
1:50
Because there’s only a limited amount of seats next to you,
probably only enough for about one or two people.
So I sat far away.
Making a friend like Itadori Yuuji was always something that Junpei wanted in his life. Maintaining a close relationship with someone like Itadori Yuuji was a whole different ball game altogether. Plus, didn’t Yuuji have some other friends? What were the chances that Yuuji would still hang out with him if he had other more sociable people to talk to? Would he have been discarded too?
2:11
A life without you in it,
would be like the scribbles drawn on the pages of dull magazines,
that people merely skim through to read.
Although Junpei would disagree, Yuuji would definitely say that their meeting had a much greater impact than he would have thought possible. Junpei's death granted him far more valuable insight than any lesson he could have had at Jujutsu Tech. That day, he learnt the fragility of life and how everything could simply change in the blink of an eye all too soon for his liking. How there were no resets like in a game. Only pain to remind him of the emotional burden he now had to bear.
It just wasn't fair.
2:21
It would’ve been probably better if I didn’t know at all,
because the aftertaste of happiness is still left in my mouth.
Cruel.
Why was it that anything that brought Junpei the slightest amount of happiness was always abruptly taken away from him? He hadn't laughed as hard as he did that night, spending time with his mother and Yuuji. It felt strange but not unwelcome. Now that he was dead, he's caused Yuuji nothing but pain in exchange for his kindness. Would it be wrong of him to wish that he'd never met the latter? If he were in Yuuji's shoes he would probably have cursed out the other for being selfish and hard-headed. Even so, he hoped that Yuuji would find some resolution unlike him, who was still stuck watching the world play out in front of him, unable to change nor comfort the people he cared for the most.
2:33
Why?
Falling right there by chance was,
the tomorrow that I’d been searching for all along,
Yet the me who doesn’t even have a hand to take it is a ghost.
Unfortunately for Junpei, his chance at a better life came at the most inopportune time in his life. Just moments right before it had ended. Stupid, stupid, stupid. If he'd just listened to Yuuji instead of trusting the lies Mahito had fed him, he would still be alive. He would have been able to tell Yuuji how much he appreciated the proposal. Could he too have become someone who saved people for a living? Not only from curses but the darkness inside themselves?
2:44
Like how the clouds that you grow used to seeing,
float up into an endless blank.
Please forget myself just like that.
Seeing Yuuji in various stages of pain, grief, and despair invoked a deep sense of longing for Junpei. He wanted to tell him to just forget that they had ever met. To forget how much they had cared for each other despite that they had known each other for only a day or two. Forget so that he no longer had to feel responsible for a death that he had no part in ending.
3:00
I just want to see the same views as you do.
I just want to see,
everything that you are able to feel.
At that moment Junpei wanted so much to be alive and breathing. He wanted to be able to do the things he took for granted while he was alive. Smiling, laughing, getting angry. Emotions were something that he could no longer properly express. He simply felt hollow…empty.
3:21
Even if there’s nothing that I want to say,
nor is there anything that I want to tell.
The ghost cries with a voice that can’t reach anyone.
Junpei wanted to comfort Yuuji; to tell him that his efforts were not in vain. That Yuuji didn’t fail him and that in fact it was the other way around. There was nothing that he could say or do to change the past. He had wasted his precious chance at life and that was that. Unable to speak nor touch, all he could do was watch and observe. Praying that whatever fate had in store for Yuuji that it would be as kind and gentle as possible.
3:31
Even if it’s not something that I should say;
From that day onward, I probably...
fell in love with you.
He wasn't sure when the feeling arose. It must have been that night when Yuuji was invited over for dinner. Yuuji showed him what it felt like to be alive again. What it meant to live and to pursue his dreams. It made him feel happy, valued, complete .
3:42
What is it exactly that I want to say?
For there isn’t a single thing that I want to tell.
This half-transparent myself is a ghost.
3:52
Surely without being noticed, it would become hazy.
For the sake of making sure you don’t leave,
please look at me.
In the end there was little he could do. Afterall, he was dead and could not be brought back to life. Nothing he could say would reach the world of the living. Attempts to touch anything would prove futile; hands phasing right through objects that would normally be there to stop it. Nonetheless, he made up his mind. Junpei would watch over Yuuji. Whether the situation was good or bad, he would pray for his well being.
4:26
Please let me stay with you in the ends of your memories,
that you’ll forget one day unknowingly.
Surely, somewhere along in the future Yuuji would forget about him. It was ultimately inevitable to a degree with all things considered. Even if it was intentional, Junpei wouldn't have held anything against him anyways. Itadori Yuuji was just that special to him after all.