Chapter Text
"Fuck you, stupid candle! If you don't want to light on fire then I can throw you underwater and let you drown. See how you fucking like it!"
It was ruining everything. The stupid candle.
"Please, just light up!" Hiyoko screamed. "That's literally the only thing you're useful for!"
The dancer pouted and and crossed her arms, falling to the floor.
The truth was that Hiyoko Saionji had never met anyone like Mahiru Koizumi. Sure, she had been friends with a multitude of different girls who danced with her, but she had never felt so intensely for them like she had for Koizumi. She was different than anyone the dancer had ever met.
And then she was gone.
It wasn't like Hiyoko wasn't used to the people she loved leaving her. Friends quitting dance because they couldn't take the constant pressure and harassment. Her father showing up to her performances less and less until he never showed up at all. Her grandparents were the only ones who stuck by her side, but that was a different kind of love. That love was the kind of pill that was forced down your throat after you cough once. The kind of love that tells you everything you've done wrong and all the right fixes but knows that you'll never match up to their standards of perfection. That kind of love felt like dying. Koizumi's felt like living. Hiyoko didn't know what she had expected in the first place. Had she genuinely thought that the grip of Koizumi's soft hands and the smell of her strawberry perfume would make every godforsaken disaster on that island cease to exist? Had she been stupid enough to allow herself to drown in the only affection she had ever been shown?
Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
She had always hated goodbyes. Most people call them bittersweet, but Hiyoko could never find the sweet in such a sour turn in events. Voluntary goodbyes felt like being stabbed in the back. She had always found them so passive aggressive. In those types of goodbyes, the word goodbye means, 'Bye bitch! Hope you choke on your own vomit!' The dancer found passive aggressiveness to be the epitome of weakness. She could only scoff at the cowardice of it all.
But, Hiyoko knew how to deal with that type of hatred. It had been instilled in her from day one. No one can drag you down to the bottom if you glue yourself to the top. They'd either give up or look like a fool for trying.
Involuntary goodbyes felt like a stab in the heart. It was the type of burn that made your eyes water and your stomach ache with dread. The feeling of emptiness crawling inside of your soul, consuming you one by one. In those types of goodbyes, you never actually get to say goodbye.
Those ones were worse. But, Hiyoko had only ever experienced it twice. The first was when she was dragged away from her father and tossed into the backseat of her grandparents' car, off to start a new life that she still wasn't sure that she had ever wanted. The second was when she opened the closet door of Jabberwock Island's beach house and found the only person who had ever truly known her lying in a pool of her own blood, completely still.
'Why do you take so many pictures?' Hiyoko had asked her once. Two nights before she was gone. Forever.
'Photographs are a visual representation of our memories. And without our memories, who are we really?' That's what Koizumi had said before snapping another picture of Hiyoko dancing in the sand, completely free of worry. When she was with Koizumi, she had somehow managed to forget about the killing game. In Hiyoko's mind, they were the only two people in the world. She hadn't needed anyone else. She didn't want anyone else.
Photographs were all she had left of Koizumi now. Hiyoko didn't know where her body had gone, but she assumed the bear had done something with it. It's not like she wanted to know. Or see it. Ever again.
But, it didn't matter. Because, like Koizumi had said, photographs are memories. Hiyoko refused to let those memories go to waste.
She pondered this thought as she lit the final candle on her self made memorial. She wasn't quite sure how the others would react to it, but Hiyoko didn't care. She never had. She was doing this for Koizumi only. No one else on this godforsaken island deserved it, anyways.
"Saionji?" Hiyoko held in a deep sigh at the sound of one of her classmate's voice. Hinata. She had become well-accustomed to his voice, but that's mostly because he never seemed to shut up during class trials. He pretended like he knew everything, but Hiyoko knew that deep down he was a big wuss. He was just better at hiding it than people like Tsumiki and Souda.
They're all the fucking same. Hiyoko sighed, placing the last photograph she had in her hand as the centerpiece in her creation. Koizumi had never been one to take selfies. At least that's what she had told the dancer every time the smaller girl insisted on taking one with her.
However, Hiyoko was quite good at annoying people until they did what she wanted. Koizumi had never been genuinely intimidated by her like the other girls the blonde was so accustomed to being surronded by. She just did what the dancer asked her to do no matter how dumb it sounded. So, when they were sitting by the shore the night before Koizumi had her life stolen from her, the two girls had taken a selfie.
'I still hate selfies,' is what the photographer had said only seconds after the photo was taken.
'Not this one!' was what Hiyoko had responded with, snatching the polaroid from her friend's hands.
'You're right,' Koizumi had nodded, smiling at Hiyoko. 'Not this one.'
She didn't respond to Hinata's call and sat up, admiring her past few hours of work. It wasn't conventionally beautiful in any sense, but Hiyoko preferred it that way. She had to make sure Koizumi's memory stood out among the other wimps on Jabberwock. It was only fitting.
It seemed to take a few moments for Hinata to notice the memorial, but once he did he blurted out, "What the hell is that?"
Hiyoko already felt anger deep in her gut, because how dare he insult Koizumi's memory like that. But, she opted to explain the situation instead of lashing out. It was a rare occurrence for her. But, none of this was for Hinata's sake, or even Hiyoko's. Everything was for her . "I made this for Big Sis Koizumi. I wanted to honor her memory."
"Oh." Hinata paused for a moment, before continuing. "Well, it's a bit of a... horrifying sight... but the sentiment is nice."
"Like you could do any better!" Hiyoko stomped her foot. It would be nice if Hinata at least pretended to like Koizumi's memorial. He didn't have to be such a blunt asshole all the time. Hell, he doesn't even know what his talent is! She couldn't fathom how a loser like him could have so much self confidence.
Instead of rolling his eyes at Hiyoko's insult, per usual, Hinata held up his hands in defense. "Hey, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have made it! I think the others will really appreciate it! Especially Kuzuryuu... whenever he wakes up."
Her stomach turned at the mention of Kuzuryuu. "It's not for him. He doesn't deserve to look at it. Not after what that asshole did." Hiyoko crossed her arms. "You know, Big Bro Hinata, for someone who acts so smart, you truly are a huge dumbass sometimes."
There were a lot of things she didn't understand about her classmates, but the biggest one was their naive willingness to forgive those who didn't deserve to be forgiven. Sure, she could understand those who mourned Togami. Hiyoko never liked him, but he was tolerable. Mostly. His personality didn't matter that much, anyways. What mattered was the fact that he wasn't a murderer and Hanamura was. Yet people still mourned the guy. She thought that they all had to be pretending because no one had even liked him when he was alive. He pratically sexually harassed every single girl on that island, for fuck's sake! Hiyoko had come to learn that people liked to tell themselves comforting lies in order to appear as better people, but she felt like saying that Hanamura was in any way a person who deserved a place in this world was absolutely ludicrous.
Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama weren't too different in Hiyoko's eyes. Those two were cold blooded criminals. Ones who had taken Koizumi's life in such a violent way. And for what? For fucking what? Koizumi hadn't murdered anyone. The person who killed Kuzuryuu's sister was whoever that Sato bitch was. Koizumi had meant no harm, yet she still ended up dead. All because of Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama's selfishness.
Yet, no one had called them out for any of it at the trial. Hiyoko had tried to, but every time she had opened her mouth to speak it felt like she would burst into tears all over again. She didn't want to be a blubbering mess when she convicted them of their misdeeds. She had wanted to look Pekoyama in the eyes and call her what she was. A criminal who had thrown away Koizumi's life and her own all for a stupid boy. A stupid boy who refused to look Hiyoko in the eyes that entire trial. And instead of those two murderers getting what they deserved from their classmates, they cried with them. They watched Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama's goodbye with tearful smiles when all Hiyoko wanted to do was smash their skulls into the ground and make them feel the same pain they had caused her and Koizumi. They didn't deserve any sympathy, yet it was all that the duo received during Pekoyama's final moments.
"Right, I am. A dumbass, I mean." Hinata sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought Kuzuryuu up. I know the subject is still touchy for you. I'll give you time."
"Time won't bring Big Sis Koizumi back."
"I know," Hinata said. "I know that."
She scoffed. Hinata didn't know shit. She was sure of that.
"What the actual fuck is that?" Hiyoko turned around to find Souda gawking at her memorial. He then closed his eyes, almost like he was wishing it away.
The dancer had a quippy response right on the tip of her tongue, but it wasn't let out due to the entrance of Owari and Nidai.
"Oh... wow," was all Nidai let out as he took a seat.
"That's fuckin' terrifying," Owari added, promptly sitting beside her friend.
Oh no. Oh no no no. This was not how any of this was supposed to happen. It was all wrong. Everything was going wrong.
"Jesus fucking shit," came from Sonia of all people who shyly sat down at the dining table, seemingly embarrassed by her outburst. Tanaka, who had entered at roughly the same time as Sonia, said nothing, but his face told enough.
"Oh. That's... interesting," was all Komaeda said as he walked into the dining hall. Hiyoko held in a laugh. Like he of all people had the right to judge anything or anyone else for being creepy!
Mioda and Tsumiki entered after that, but Hiyoko couldn't recall what either of them said or did. She thought she may have heard a scream. Or two.
As Hiyoko looked around at all of the horrified faces of her classmates, she felt like a little kid again. Those were the kinds of faces reserved for times like when she had convinced a fellow dancer she didn't like that asbestos were genuinely a good source of nutrition. Her friends had told her that she had gone too far that time, but she disagreed. That girl had always looked at Hiyoko like she was something she could easily break if she tried hard enough. Hiyoko simply just decided to turn the tables. Was that really so bad?
Apparently Koizumi's memorial was, because everyone looked like something was going to crawl out of it and slaughter them all. It made Hiyoko want to cry. But, she wasn't going to cry. Not seriously. That would be her giving up. She hated liars, but she hated cowards even more.
"Seriously! How stupid could someone be? That shit is straight out of a horror movie," Hiyoko laughed, but it sounded more like a choked sob. She had never been good at hiding her emotions. No matter how hard she fucking tried. Her weakness never failed to be her biggest enemy. She wanted nothing more than to grab the child within her by the throat and watch the life slowly fade from its eyes. Hiyoko did everything in her power to prevent herself from becoming the prey. It seemed that her attempts only served to bite her in this ass.
Hinata shot her a look and she immediately shot one back. Don't ruin this for me. She attempted to beg him with her eyes . Please.
Hinata looked away, staying completely silent while the others continued to gawk at Koizumi's memorial.
Hiyoko felt like she was going to throw up.
"I think you're all interpreting it wrong." Nanami spoke quietly as she walked into the dining hall. "This memorial wasn't made to scare us, it was made to honor those who passed. Sure, it may be a bit... unconventional, but the intention was still there."
And there it is. As hard as Hiyoko willed herself not to cry, the tears still fell. "I-" she tried to speak but the words refused to come out. All she could do was sob pathetically as her classmates stared at her, not knowing what to make of this outburst.
She had never hated herself more than she did in that moment.
"See?" Nanami gestured towards Hiyoko. "You were all making a big deal out of something that was supposed to be a sweet gesture. You should be ashamed of yourselves."
"Uh... I'm sorry about that Saionji. I didn't mean to be a dick, especially after everything that just happened." Souda said. "I mean, the memorial isn't totally fucking creepy if you look at it for a second time! It's actually... uh... nice?"
"I have to apologize too, Saionji-san. This memorial is clearly a symbol of your hope not only for the dead but also for all of us who are still living. It's a reminder to us all that we must remember to cherish our dead friends even if they must be sacrificed for the sake of an even greater hope," Komaeda added.
Hiyoko rolled her eyes. "Did you seriously have to ruin the moment with your stupid hope bullshit? I can't fucking stand you, insufferable pig."
She wanted to yell at everyone, not just Komaeda. She hated every single person in that room. How dare they pretend to feel sorry for her like they weren't just sympathizing with murderers the night before. Not one person had mentioned Koizumi on the elevator ride back up to the surface. All they could talk about was Pekoyama and Kuzuryuu and their stupid love story.
'I love Koizumi,' was what Hiyoko would have said if she was less weak. Or more weak, maybe. She didn't know which was true. 'Does that fucking matter to any of you? Since you think love absolves all guilt? Did she ever fucking matter to you? You only give a shit about Pekoyama because she mattered to Kuzuryuu! Do any of you care about what matters to me? What mattered to her? Anyone?'
Koizumi had worked her ass off on this island. She was the reason why Komaeda was still alive. She was the reason why everyone hadn't devolved into infighting after the first trial. She was the reason why everyone had been able to do anything besides mope around after Togami and Hanamura's deaths. Yet, no one mourned her loss like they did with the others. To them she was just the loud-mouthed photographer who elected herself as the group's leader despite the majority disagreeing with her.
Sure, Koizumi was all of those things, the good and the bad, but Hiyoko loved her anyways. The others seemed to be able to understand that with Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama, literal fucking criminals. Koizumi was just a girl with too much ambition for her own good. So why didn't she receive any grace?
"Well, clearly she's back to normal," Hinata said. "I consider that a success."
"Yay, Saionji-san is happy again! This is wonderful news!" Tsumiki clapped.
"I'm sorry, did I ask you to speak? Shut it, bitch." If nothing else, relentlessly picking on Tsumiki did make Hiyoko feel slightly better. The dancer was genuinely surprised that no one had killed her yet. She would be the easiest target by far.
A part of Hiyoko wished that someone would just get rid of her. She tried to ignore it. It's not like Hiyoko genuinely wanted the nurse to die. She just knew that someone had to. It was inevitable.
"I'm sorry!" Tsumiki cried, hiding her head behind her hands.
"Yeah, definitely back to normal," Owari sighed.
Hiyoko took a seat at the end of the big dining table, far away from the rest of her classmates. She thought about getting up to grab something for breakfast but she couldn't build up an appetite. So, she decided to sit and watch all of the idiots she was subjected to being trapped with for God knows how long. It had felt like centuries since the day they all arrived on Jabberwock Island. She almost forgot what normal life was supposed to be. What it still was beyond the island.
She wondered if anyone missed her. It was a selfish thought, a useless thought, but one that popped up in the dancer's mind too often nonetheless.
Souda was enthusiastically talking about cars while Hinata pretended to listen. Across from them, Sonia was gushing over Tanaka's hamsters, seeming to genuinely buy into all the bullshit the breeder spewed about darkness. Owari and Nidai had both finished their food in less than 5 minutes and were now engaged in a fierce arm wrestling match. Nidai continued to win every time but Owari did not seem like she was going to give up any time soon. Mioda was sharing her slightly horrifying song titles with Tsumiki. The nurse was clearly disturbed, but Hiyoko determined that she was too much of a wuss to say anything about it. Nanami was attempting to have a normal conversation with Komaeda, which went about as terribly as Hiyoko had expected.
They all had families too. Did anyone miss them? Did they miss anyone? Hiyoko wished that she didn't care about those questions.
"Hey, shouldn't a new island be open now?" Hinata said to the entire group. "I mean, since there was another trial and all."
Souda scratched his head. "I mean, I guess. I wasn't really thinking about it, to be honest, man."
"But we should be focused on it, like Hinata-kun so graciously said," Komaeda piped in. "Having a symbol of hope after each tragic event truly makes this game worth playing."
"I didn't say any of that," Hinata frowned.
"Monomi-chan is the one who's been fighting the Monobeasts," Nanami reminded them. "If she manages to open a new island for us, I'm sure she'd let us know."
Owari scoffed. "Yeah right. I don't trust that rabbit. Are we forgetting that she brought us here in the first place?"
"But Monomi was encouraging us to have fun until Monokuma showed up. It appears like he is the true instigator in this situation," Sonia asserted. "Although, it isn't wise for us to blindly trust her either. I believe that we should stay neutral!"
"Wow Sonia-san, you're so smart! You've got brains and beauty! That's amazing!" Souda gushed.
Hiyoko rolled her eyes. "Shut the fuck up, you lovesick dumbass." In a world full of stupid boys, Souda was somehow the stupidest of them all. The dancer would be mildly impressed if she wasn't so utterly repulsed by him.
"For once, I agree with Hiyoko-chan!" Mioda exclaimed.
"Um... students!" Everyone turned in unison at the recognition of the friendlier of the high-pitched voices they had become accustomed to.
"What do you want?" Owari asked with little enthusiasm in her voice, picking at a piece of bacon Nidai had left on his plate.
"I just... wanted to let you know that another Monobeast has been defeated, which means... that all of you now have access to another island." Monomi said nervously.
"Who the fuck cares?" Hiyoko sighed. "Are we supposed to thank you for opening more locations for us to possibly be brutally murdered at, dumb bitch?" The bunny made it seem like they were in some fucking video game on an exciting quest instead of trapped in a twisted trap that forces them to brutally murder each other. It was a case of supreme cognitive dissonance. Koizumi had taught her that term. Hiyoko liked it.
"I understand your concern, Saionji-san. But this island has some very important and exciting places. There's a music venue, a hospital, a motel..." Monomi started.
"A hospital?" Tsumiki squeaked out.
"A music venue?" Mioda jumped from her chair.
"Well, I think it's worth checking out," Hinata said. "We found some clues in the library last time, so we might find more information in at least one of these new locations."
"Hinata-kun is right," Nanami agreed. "It's important for us to assess all of our surrondings. We have to put our trust into Monomi-chan."
"That sounds like a terrible fucking idea," Souda said bluntly.
Hiyoko would have verbally agreed if she didn't despise the mechanic and everything he stood for.
"Do you have a better idea?" Nanami retorted.
"Uhhh," Souda looked around nervously. "No! We can... explore. I guess"
Everyone got up one by one, some more reluctant than others. Hiyoko was at the back of the line, walking as slowly as possible. She didn't want to go to whatever the fuck this new island was. She didn't want to go anywhere at all. Yet, her legs moved without her commanding them to do so. It was like she was just going through the motions, waiting for all of this shit to be over.
That's how she had felt ever since Koizumi's death. Just keep living. Survival is all that's left. Hiyoko couldn't help but wonder whether it was worth it or not.