Chapter Text
Winter was always his favorite season.
Even though most of his friends favored the warm, bright, and sunny weather, he couldn’t help but absolutely adore the season of winter. He loved everything about it. He loved the feeling of the crisp, cold air hitting his bare skin, sending shivers all throughout his body. He loved the satisfying feeling of burying himself in the soft covers of his bed, and soaking in the warmth of it. He also loved strolling down the streets, and admiring the beauty of the world during wintertime. Time just seemed to stop, and everything seemed more calm, and quiet. How he liked it to be. Quiet.
If he was lucky, the trees and rooftops would be painted with white, glittery snow. He could remember when he was younger, waking up and seeing that it had snowed. He would jump out of bed, rush to get his winter coat on, and stumble out of the house with exciting filling his body. He would lay down in the freezing snow, and stare up at the bare, gray sky, a huge smiling growing on his place. The pure innocence and happiness of adolescence was something incomparable. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world, because there was no reason to have one. He was young, and he hadn’t grown up and faced the real world yet. As a child, he lived in this little bubble of his own imagination, dreaming big and setting unbelievable goals.
Everything was okay then. But Hinata had grown up.
The small boy had learned quick that life wasn’t a fairytale book with happy endings. It wasn’t like the joyous, peaceful dreams that he had always conjured up when he was a kid. It was anything but that.
As he become older, things started to change. And the orange-haired boy hated change. He loved to stick to his regular routines, and when things didn’t go like usual, he crumbled under the stress.
He was always used to waking up in the morning, bright and early, with a smile on his face, ready to start a new day. He would walk downstairs, and see his mother cooking breakfast for him. She always had made his favorite – pancakes and bacon. He would stuff them down, savoring the delicious taste – the perfect balance between salty and sweet. His dad would always be at the table too, reading the daily newspaper, and sipping his hot, steamy coffee before going off to work. And when he got home from school and volleyball practice, his mom would always greet him with a big hug and a beaming smile on her face. Hinata thought that maybe he was childish, loving the hugs that he got from his mom. His friends would make fun of him for it, but he didn’t care. It was one of his favorite things.
And during volleyball games, he would look out into the crowd and see his parents cheering him on. They would yell his name, and pump their fists up in the air in excitement. Huge smiles were painted on their faces as they looked at their son proudly. Knowing that they were always in the stands rooting for him was one of his biggest motivators. It encouraged him to go on and get the win because he knew that meant he got to see their overjoyed and happy smiles.
His mother died six months ago.
Hinata remembered the day so vividly in his mind that it was like it happened just yesterday. It was a monday. It had been an amazing day at school – oddly better than most. He had gotten an A on his english and math tests – subjects that he often struggled with. He had been working his ass off to get better grades, and all his hard work had finally payed off. Volleyball practice had went well too. He had hit almost all of Kageyama’s sets and he had barely even argued with the black-haired boy, expect for the occasional “dumbass” and “you suck.”
He had been excited all day, anticipating going home all day. His mother had promised to get him ice cream after dinner, something that rarely happened. She usually only let him get ice cream, if he did something good and deserved to be awarded. Hinata couldn’t think of anything that he had achieved that his mom knew about. He had passed his tests, sure, but he hadn’t told her about it. He wanted it to be a surprise. That’s why he thought it was stranger that she would buy him a treat without any reason, but nonetheless, he wasn’t complaining. Late night ice cream rides with his mom were his favorite thing. It made him feel like a kid again, reliving the moment from when he was younger.
He practically was jumping up and down in happiness, and anticipation when he arrived at his small house at the corner of the street that evening. A huge smile was displayed across his face, ready for his mom to greet him with one of her big, warm hugs like she always had. He didn’t know why he was so joyful – it was just one of those perfect days. It was a bright day outside, the sun shining high in the sky. It was the perfect temperature, not to hot and not to cold. A light breeze blew through his soft, orange hair as he fumbled with his key and unlocked the door.
He stopped in his tracks, expecting to be met with his mom’s smiling face. But the kitchen was empty.
She would usually be at the stove right now, preparing dinner and humming to herself softly. He stepped into the house, and shut the door behind him. Weird, he thought to himself, looking around to try and spot her. Almost everytime Hinata came home, his mother would be cooking the food for the night. It was one of their routines, and she never missed it.
“Mom?” He called out, his voice almost echoing in the small house. Eerie silence spread throughout every corner of the room, not a single sound expect for the ticking of the clock that hung on their wall. It was almost scary, he thought. He was so used to it being loud in the house when he got home. But he was overreacting. His friends had always said that he was a scaredy-cat, and he could now understand why they thought that. His mom was probably just in her room.
The young boy frowned, getting no response. He was met with complete silence. “Mom!” He said away, this time a little louder. Maybe he was being to quiet. After all, his mother’s hearing wasn’t the best. “Where are you?”
No answer.
Okay, he thought, this is getting weird. Why was he so on edge right now? His friends were completely right about him being a scaredy-pants, getting worked up about nothing.
He wandered the house, traveling up the stairs and down the hall to his parents grand bedroom, as well as his own room, but no one was there. Did she go out and get groceries or run a quick errand? No... that couldn’t be it. She would’ve texted him and told him. She always did when something came up and she wouldn’t be home. He was about to give up, and call her, but that’s when he saw it.
The bathroom light was on.
The orange-haired boy let out a deep breath, relieved to see that she was home and he had been worrying about absolutely nothing. He started walking towards the door, a smile growing on his face. As embarrassing as it was to admit, he had missed his mom all day even though he had seen her just this morning. He would never admit it, but he couldn’t imagine being without her for more than one day. She was Hinata’s best friend, one of the only people would truly understood him and accepted him for who he was.
He knocked on the wooden door three times, a code that they had come up with together to let the other know that it was them. “Mom,” He said cheerfully, happy to tell her the news about his grades, “I’m home!”
Silence answered.
She’s playing a joke on me, he thought. It was something they did often, play pranks on each other to see who could do the best one. He laughed lightheartedly, and knocked once again. “Hello,” He asked, dragging out the o sound at the end. “Are you in there?”
No answer again. He rolled his eyes, laughing at his mother’s jokes. She always did this.
Curiosity entering his mind, he grabbed the doorknob and turned it. It cracked open with a click. He furrowed his eyes, tilting his head to the sideways in confusion. It was odd that she hadn’t locked the door when she was going to the restroom. He stared at the small crack of warm light that was now spilling out of the room. He contemplated opening it all the way, but he didn’t want to invade her privacy. What if she was on the toilet or in the bath? That would be really weird and awkward if he just walked in. But then again, he had announced himself pretty clearly, and she hadn’t told him to leave her alone.
Hinata pushed the knob further, the door swinging open slowly with a creak.
He froze in his tracks, feeling his body go completely rigid. His heart dropped out of his chest as he stared at the scene in front of him, eyes wide and mouth open in pure shock.
His mother was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. The once white tiles were now painted a deep, crimson red. He stared down in horror, unable to move. He forgot how to breathe, feeling like the ceiling was caving in on him. Her eyes were closed, her skin unusually pale, and her pink lips were now a fading purple. Pain shot through the young boy’s body when his legs gave out from underneath him and he collapsed on his knees, hitting the hard tiled floor, sure to leave bruises.
This was wasn’t real. He had to be in some sick, and twisted nightmare. He was imagining all of this - his mother lying lifeless on the floor with her own blood surrounding her. His breath came out in heaves, and he didn’t know what to do. His body suddenly forgot how to work, and he was a statue, looking down at his mother.
His eyes traveled over her, all the way down to her wrists. Red bled through her sleeves, and his stomach twisted, looking at the sharp, silver object that lay in her hand. She was wearing the green sweater that Hinata had gotten her for her birthday one year. She had always claimed it was her favorite gift she’d ever gotten, even though she had rarely ever wore it. ‘I only want to wear it during special occasions. It’s so soft, and precious. I can’t ruin it,’ She’d say. It was now covered in her blood.
Water pooled at his eyes, and tears ran down his cheeks and onto his chin, staining his shirt. He cried uncontrollably, his body shaking and shivering. His mind was running wild, a million thoughts flashing through his mind. He couldn’t process anything - not his always, cheerful and happy mother lying with a blade in her hand, and a note beside her. He didn’t need to read it to know what it was. A suicide note.
How?, his mind screamed. Why? His mother had always been a happy person, he was sure of it. All the times they had spent together, she was laughing with that huge, beaming smile on her face. It didn’t make sense. What went wrong? Had Hinata been ignorant and not noticed her sadness? Maybe he was too blinded by himself that he didn’t think about how his mother might feel. But she had never seemed down, and depressed. She was always joyful, lighting up everyone everyone’s moods as soon as she walked in a room. Was it all a facade?, he wondered. How long had she been faking her happiness?
He could feel himself panicking, sweat dripping down his face. He needed to do something, but he had forgot how to function. With his hands shaking uncontrollably, he opened the bathroom cabinet and frantically grabbed a towel. He wrapped it around her wrists, trying to stop the blood. He leaned forward, putting his fingers to her neck, almost pulling because of how cold she was. There was no pulse.
“No, no,” He whispered, his voice cracking. “No, please,” He sobbed, pressing the towel further down onto her wrist. Pain ripped through his body, and he could felt his heart shattering to pieces. This wasn’t real, he tried to tell himself. It was just a horrible fucking nightmare.
“W-Wake up.... please,” The orange-haired male begged hysterically, coughing and gasping for breaths as he cried and cried. His body collapsed in on itself, and he fell forward, clinging onto his mother’s lifeless body. He knew that she was dead. There was nothing he could do. But he didn’t want to believe it. He couldn’t. Today was suppose to be the best day ever. He was gonna tell him the great news about his tests, and she would hug him and tell him ‘good job!’, then they were gonna go get ice cream and laugh and joke like they always did. What happened to that?
With his body trembling, he reached into his pocket and weakly dialed 119 into his phone. He spoke to the officer, stumbling over his words and sobbing into the phone as he gave him the address of his house. He knew that it was no use. His mother was dead, and there was nothing anyone could do to bring her back.
He stared at the folded piece of paper on the floor, but he couldn’t bring himself to grab it and read the contents that were inside. He would just break down even more.
Hinata felt like his world was crumpling apart. The only person that had truly loved him for him, the only person who could make him laugh despite whatever shitty mood he was in... she was gone. It was all gone in the blink of an eye. Everything. Water clouded his vision, as he bit his lip, trying to stop the crying but it didn’t work. Tears ran down his cheeks in dozens, staining them.
He looked down at his shivering hands. They were now painted a deep red shade. His mother’s blood. His hands were covered in his own mother’s blood. Like he was the one who killed her. And maybe he was, he thought. He should’ve noticed. He never once asked her how she was, how she was feeling. He was so fucking selfish and stupid. If he had talked to her, maybe she wouldn’t be dead right now, blood pooling around her cold body. He should’ve noticed the signs – When she had quit her job a few months ago, claiming that it just wasn’t for her and she was looking for a new one. But she had never gotten a new one. Or she would leave in the middle of the day and never come back until the morning. Or how her smile never reached her eyes.
“Fucking stupid...,” He whispered to himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and letting his head fall limply. He rocked back and forth, squeezing his eyes shut. But all he could see was his mother’s pale face, and her bloody wrists.
He clawed at his hair, knotting his fingers in it, and tugging hard. The pain was almost unnoticeable compared to the hurt that was spreading like a wildfire in his heart. I’m sleeping, I’m sleeping, I’m sleeping... He told himself frantically. But when he dared to open his eyes again, he knew that this was reality.
His world was going up in flames and he could feel himself burning.
———
It was November now, and things seemed to die down as time passed. Well, for everyone expect Hinata.
He got it now. How his mother had seemed so happy and joyful on the outside, but sad and miserable on the inside. Because that’s exactly how he had been finding himself feeling recently.
Ever since that day that he saw his own mother, someone who he had considered his best friend ever since he was born, lying dead on the white tiles of the bathroom floor, a part of him had died, and now he always felt this emptiness lingering inside of him. It followed him everywhere he went. No matter what he was doing, even if he was doing something that made him happy, like volleyball, there was that feeling deep down – that emptiness.
Sometimes he felt like a burden because of it, like the dark rain cloud above his head spread to everyone around him, ruining their good moods. But he had done a pretty good job of hiding it.
Just like his mom.
When everyone found out the news that his mother had committed suicide, they all flooded him with sympathy, telling them that they were sorry and if he needed anything. Even through all of that, he pretended like everything was okay and he wasn’t dying inside, when really he was. Coach Ukai even said that he could miss a week or so of practice and rest at home if he needed too. But Hinata went anyways. Because he knew that if he was home, he would’ve just been sitting in his own pool of pity and tears. That was one of the only few weeks that Kageyama had been nice to him. Well, if you call nice barely saying a word to him. But guessed it was better than them arguing like they usually did.
Things had changed.
His whole mindset had changed. The once happy, and innocent boy that used to me was now gone, replaced with someone that he didn’t even recognize. It was like he was living a double life. At school, and around his friends, he acted like his usual loud and humorous self, but at home, he was quiet, and reserved. He rarely smiled, and the only times he left his room is when he was forced to by his father.
His dad had taken it pretty well. At first, he cried every night in his now half empty room that he had shared with mom. He had even considered quitting his job, and lying at home moping around all day. But he knew that he couldn’t do that because they would just fall into debt. But as time passed, he no longer cried, and a newfound smile was writtten across his face. The orange-haired boy supposed he was glad that his father was happy, but at the same time, he was bitter. How could he be happy when his wife was dead? How could he be smiling when she killed herself so suddenly?
He knew he couldn’t blame his dad though. He was just trying to lift everyone’s mood up, like his mother had done before. Maybe he was sad deep down inside too, hiding it for Hinata and his sister. The orange-haired male was doing the same anyways.
He lived life on autopilot. He did the things that he needed to do – like get dressed, go to school, volleyball practice, and eat (even though sometimes he forgot to do that). But he didn’t feel anything, as if he was a zombie. Sadness ate him away inside, till he was numb. He rarely even cried anymore, not having the energy too. At night, he lay awake in his bed, drowning in the darkness. Every time he closed his eyes, images of blood and pale skin filled his vision, haunting him and sending chills down his spine. He didn’t sleep most nights.
He did all those things, even though he didn’t want too. He wanted to do anything but that, in fact. Every time he woke up, he wished he could close his eyes and sleep forever. He never wanted to leave his bed – It was one of the only places that he still found comfort and solace in. So unless he was forced too, he stayed in there, under the covers and away from the world. He often skipped meals, not having the energy or motivation to get out of his bed. Due to that, he had lost weight and it was noticeable in the way he seemed to drown in his clothes and the way his bones jutted out a little more than usual. He didn’t care though. And neither did anyone else.
Motivation. Motivation was something that he rarely felt anymore. Even with volleyball, his favorite sport, he didn’t have the same willpower and inspiration he used to have with it. Most days, after school, he wanted to go right home and lock himself in his room, and isolate from everybody. He started to dread walking into the gym every afternoon. Because as soon as he did, he had to pretended that he was okay. He had to pretended like he wasn’t miserable inside.
Sometimes he wondered if anyone had picked up on his changes in behavior. If they did, they didn’t say anything to him about it. They acted like everything was normal. He supposed that he couldn’t get mad, because this is what he wanted, right? He didn’t want anyone to worry about him, and no one was. So why did he feel a little twist in his stomach every time he saw his friends?
“Hinata!”
He was ripped from his train of thoughts and brought back to reality as a familiar voice yelled his name. He whipped around, and was met with the frustrated face of Tanaka, who was holding a volleyball in his hand.
Shit, he cursed inside of his head. He had done it again - drifting off. He had found himself doing a lot of that recently. It just happened out of the blue, like he was disconnecting with the world. His friends were probably annoyed with him by now, and as he looked at their faces, he could confirm that they indeed were.
“I-I’m sorry,” He stuttered, his voice coming out smaller than he expected. He looked down at the ground for a moment, trying to recollect his thoughts and bring himself fully back to reality. He seriously needed to stop doing that, especially during volleyball practice, where he needed to keep his guard up at all times. “I was daydreaming.”
“Well, you need to pay attention,” Tanaka lectured him, a serious edge to his voice. The older rarely ever used that tone, so he knew that he wasn’t playing around. “We have a game in a few days. You can’t do that when we’re on the court in the middle of a game. You could cost a point.”
Hinata swallowed hard, his throat suddenly feeling dry. “Right,” He said weakly, his gaze falling to the gym floor. He couldn’t meet everyone’s eyes, when they were all staring directly at him. “I’m sorry,” He apologized again, feeling like a burden.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he snapped his head up, meeting eyes with Suga. The older had a warm smile painted on his face. “It’s okay, just try not to again,” He reassured him. He rubbed his shoulder comfortingly, trying to smooth down the tension that Tanaka had built up.
The orange-haired boy smiled back, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. It was a fake one of course, but the other seemed to believe him as he let go and went back to his seat on the bleachers.
“Okay, let’s start over,” Daichi said, clapping his hands together, and offering everyone a smile. The team got back into their positions.
Now he felt even worse. He had caused trouble for his teammates, and interrupted practice when the last thing he wanted to do was draw attention to himself. He frowned, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his hands, as if trying to get rid of the dark feeling that was creeping up inside of him. He couldn’t afford to mess up further than he already had today. So he put his game face on, and pretended that everything was okay. Inside, though, all he wanted to do was go home and crash in his bed. Maybe he could actually go to sleep tonight, considering how exhausted he was.
He could feel Kageyama’s eyes on him, staring daggers at him. Why the fuck is he looking at me?, He said to himself, visibly rolling his eyes. He didn’t feel like dealing with the younger male right now, especially when he wasn’t in a good mood. He didn’t want to lose his control and snap at him, even though the black-haired boy greatly irritated him.
He whipped around, ready to tell him to look somewhere. But he felt his breath catch in his throat when he saw how he was looking at him. Kageyama’s eyes seemed to travel over him, as if he was studying the older male. His expression was almost... soft? And when their eyes meet, the other looked at him with concern etched into his expression. Shit, Hinata thought, had he figured him out? But no, not possibly. And even if he did, the black-haired male didn’t give a shit about if he was sad.
“What the hell are you looking at?” The older snapped, looking at him like he was crazy.
Kageyama didn’t respond, or make any snarky comments like he always did. He didn’t even give him a disgusted expression. He just turned his gaze back towards the volleyball net, his face turning expressionless. But Hinata didn’t fail to notice how his eyes lingered on him for a few seconds too long. Goosebumps grew upon his skin, and the hair stood up on his legs. Okay, that was fucking weird, he thought. Kageyama never looked at him like that before.
Practice dragged on, and it felt like it lasted hours. He had ended up messing up countless times in the span of 2 hours, stumbling after the ball and spacing out. By the time that everything was over with, he was sweating and panting, completely out of breath. He just wanted to go home. He felt like complete shit. He was on the verge of passing out, just now realizing that he hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning. He was hungry, but he just didn’t feel like eating. He would probably just go home and (try to) sleep. He could hear his bed calling to him, beckoning to save him temporarily from his exhausting life.
He was in the club room, changing his shoes, and taking his time while doing so. He wasn’t in any rush, as he didn’t really have anything to look forward to when he got home – not his mom’s hugs or her delicious food. Everyone had left right when practice ended, claiming that they were starving and wanted to go out and grab a bite to eat. They invited the orange-haired boy but he refused, of course. He didn’t have the energy. So here he was alone with his thoughts once again, something that was never good.
He was about to move onto the second shoe, when he heard the door open. He whipped his neck around, and was met with the face of the last person he wanted to see right now – Kageyama, who was still in his practice clothes.
He sighed, deciding to turn around and ignore him completely. Maybe if he pretended that he stayed quiet, and acted like the other boy wasn’t there, he would leave him alone. He turned back around, and started to put on his second shoe, tying the laces and trying to ignore the usual awkward tension that was hanging in the atmosphere between them. Why was the silence so uncomfortable?
He was about to get up and leave as fast as he could, but Kageyama spoke up all of the sudden.
“Hey,” He said, a blank expression written on his face. It was so hard to read him. Hinata looked at him, annoyed. Could he just leave him alone? “You sucked today.”
Hinata scoffed, almost laughing. Now, that’s the Kageyama that he always knew. “Wow, thanks,” He said sarcastically, finally getting finished with tying his laces. “It’s not like I don’t know.”
There was a moment of silence between them, as the sound of their lockers opening and closing echoed through the room.
“Why?”
Hinata froze, his gaze traveling to the younger boy, confusion displayed across his face. “What?” He asked, puzzled at his vague question.
“Why did you keep messing up today?” He asked, tugging his shirt up over his head, revealing his bare skin, and stuffing the material in his bag. “Is like... something bothering you?” He asked awkwardly, not meeting the orange-haired boy’s eyes.
Now he was even more confused. Kageyama? Asking him if something was wrong? He must have started daydreaming again. Hinata has expected him to come into the club room and start a fight with him like he always did. This is the last thing he thought that the other would’ve done.
“What?” He snapped, his tone coming off a little more harshly than he expected it to be. “Why the fuck do you care?”
It was the taller boy’s turn to scoff. “I don’t. I just don’t want you messing up like that during a game and ruining it for all of us, dumbass,” He said quickly, getting defensive, as he shoved his shirt on a little too aggressively.
Of course he didn’t care, but it didn’t fail to make Hinata a little disappointed. But this is what he wanted, he reminded himself. He didn’t like people worrying about him, and especially not Kageyama. It was too much of a foreign feeling.
“Well... nothing’s wrong,” He said, his voice wavering for a second. He didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt this wave of emotion pour over him, and he got the burning need to get up and run away. Maybe it was because it was the first time someone had asked him if something was up, even if the younger said he didn’t actually care. “...So leave me alone.”
Kageyama snatched his bag from the ground, and turned on his feet, heading for the door. “Whatever,” He said, irritatingly. And with that, he left, slamming the club door behind him, and Hinata was once again left alone, staring at the empty space where his teammate stood just seconds ago.
What the fuck just happened?
Why did he feel so weird? His heart was beating fast in his chest, and there it was - that empty feeling that he always felt. He raised his arm up and swiped at his face. When he pulled away, and looked down, his sleeve was stained with tears. He hadn’t even realized that he was crying.