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They never really had an official start to their relationship, did they? It was more of a slow, sinking. Dipping a toe into the pool, letting it adapt to the temperature, and then lowering yourself in until the water hits your knees, biting your lip as you try to endure the sudden temperature change. Easing into it, second by second, day by day.
It was the slow development that created it, beginning as a perfect and idyllic yet humble relationship, best friends, an iconic duo, and soon becoming an intimate, deeply rooted attraction neither could forget. Sometimes Jun would invite him out to the movies, braving the worst of horror flicks and enduring the cheesiest rom-coms, all for a chance to sit beside Jaewon for a couple hours at most, free from the usual anxiety that entraps him every time those eyes of standard dark brown glance over to fixate on his face. That just makes it all the worse. It’s not like his eyes are a rare shade or a perfect shape that stands out against the rest. He’s just Jaewon, and Jun loves him more than words can express.
Sometimes Jaewon would ask him out for a day on his breaks, when the others of the dorm were out and gone, or when he himself desired a change in scenery. He’d give Jun a call on his time off, ask him if he wants to go to an aquarium or come over and hang out for a couple hours before someone comes home. Jun always felt as if he were intruding, going into someone’s home for the first time in a while. He never did understand how much Jaewon loved his presence, how much he looked forward to every visit, every word, every glance they’d exchange.
Perhaps they weren’t a perfect, flawless image of union all the time, but they cared about each other.
Often Jaewon would find himself breaking under the long-endured pressure, with the persistent, bordering on obsessive, man he knew by the name of Lee Minsoo always breathing down his neck, screaming at him for the many misunderstood occurrences “Wyld” would have on his days out. Of course, he could never say anything in defense. Minsoo was justified in his anger, for only playing the part any person would expect of a leader. How could he blame him for that?
But it doesn't mean it didn’t hurt, seeing the people you’re supposed to look up to as brothers watching your every movement with disdain and caution. He needed an outlet of some kind, and it just so happened that Jun, who had stood somewhere in the confusing grey between “best friend” and “lover” back then, was the only one he could feel comfortable going to. It just so happened that one day, without stopping to process what he was doing, a half asleep and stressed-out-of-his-mind Jaewon called him up.
He had only begun to regret the decision when the other male across the line picked up, soft and sleepy voice whispering, “Jaewon?” into the microphone, perhaps wondering why he was awake at these early hours of the morning. He hadn’t even managed to say a word to Jun before a startling choke of emotion erupted from the depths of his chest, a neglected crack in the barricade he had built up to keep himself inside the shell of “Wyld” widening and deepening enough to allow a flood, all tears and hiccups that weren’t so attractive, weren’t expected of a ‘perfect person’ such as himself.
Were it anyone else seeing it happen, they’d leave, confused and unsettled by the break of character. But this was Jun, the man who saw only Jaewon, hidden and afraid of the world.
“I’m sorry Jun, I don’t know why I called you, it was an accident. I’m sorry.” Jaewon stammers, making a poor attempt at steadying his voice.
“No, no. Don’t apologize, Jaewon, if you need someone to be there for you, call me,” Jun pleads, “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
And too often, Jaewon would call him up again, talk to Jun about all his problems, and then wonder, why doesn’t he ever open up to me in return? Not once had he ever come to Jaewon in tears, asking for a hug or a reassurance or anything of the like. It almost made him self conscious.
At least, not until the moment Jaewon came across the man lying in the street, beaten and bruised, groaning as he pulled himself to his feet and turned around, hobbling over in Jaewon’s direction.
“Jun?”
Perhaps he doesn’t want Jaewon to see him this way, defeated, weak, vulnerable. The shorter male rushes over to him, a cold chill on his neck. Bringing his lover’s arm to rest on his shoulders, he guides him in the direction of his dorm.
“Jun, he whispers, “What happened?”
“I—” Junsu coughs, “I just got mugged.”
“Just got mugged?! Jun! I’m taking you to my dorm.”
Jaewon doesn’t need to know. He doesn’t need to know about Jun’s encounter with his good-for-nothing father, drunk as shit as he wanders the streets, about the paralyzing fear that still seems to take control every time he hears his voice. Like the dogs of Pavlov, it seems to be a reflex at this point.
He hasn’t learned. Nothing’s changed since the day he first learned a father is not meant to love you, but to use you. And nothing’s going to change, he knows it.
But looking at him now, being carried by this man, Jaewon. Someone who could possibly love a street rat like him? Bring him into his own home, take care of him, talk to him? How could he ever want anything more? How could he keep these secrets from him, lie to his face like that?
Maybe it’s time he tells him where he came from, what he used to be.
Entering the dorm, Jun stumbled over the pairs of shoes left by the front, groaning as pain shot up his side. Jaewon seemed to sense this, as he hurried with leading Jun into another room, whispering a simple “Hi.” to his groupmates beside him.
The other three members of Mayhem, only two of which he had met before, watched in disbelief as Wyld walked in, holding another man by the hand as he greeted them and guided him into his room.
The shock was thick in the air, seeing them disappear into his room without even closing the door. Wyld likes guys? And has the audacity to bring over his lay of the night to the dorm?
But seeing him dart in and out of the bathroom carrying their first aid kit around, a slightly bloodied shirt the other man had worn, and with a small peek in the room from a nosy pair (Minsoo and Daehyun), it was confirmed. This was no hookup. He was taking care of him.
Not just tending to his injuries, but...there was something else there too (something deeper, more intimate). From the way they conversed, every word fluttering and gentle, a comfort to hear even to those they weren’t directed towards, to the sparkle that gleamed in their eyes when in each other’s presence, something that had been completely absent when this dark haired mystery wasn’t around
It was pretty damn obvious what was going on. Only couples ever look at each other like that. Real, actual couples.
What an idiot Wyld is, thinking he dare love someone as an idol!
Minsoo calls his two closest members to a meeting in the living room while the “lovebirds” are busy in Wyld’s bedroom.
“I thought we weren’t allowed to date?!” The purple haired man scoffs, pacing around the room.
“We’re not.”
Dae interjects, leaning over the couch, “How do we even know that they’re dating?”
“Dae, do you see them? It’s so obvious, with how they look at each other, and how they talk , eugh!”
“It’s not our business anyway,” The eldest standing by the kitchen door grunts, “Knowing Wyld, they’ll probably not last long.”
“Hyung, that’s mean!”
“I’m going to ask about this!” Minsoo shoots up, planting his hands on his hips, “I want to know if we’re allowed to date or not. They should tell us if they make changes to the rules!”
“I doubt they did. And even then, you shouldn’t just expose them like that, they have a right to privacy too.”
“Dongho,” The shorter male averts his gaze from the other’s face, “Idols don’t have privacy. You should know that as well as anyone.”
Minsoo walks off, looking into the other’s room one last time before entering his own
***
“Manager Choi! Can we date people now?”
The man looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed. “Of course not,” He chortles, walking past the shorter mzle, “Why would you ask about that?”
“Because I think Wyld’s dating somebody. I saw him acting all sweet and close with someone and it looked like a serious relationship. I’m not sure, I’m just asking.”
“Wyld? Dating…Actually dating? I’ll talk to him about this. Now you...get home and clean yourself up a bit, didn’t you promise your fans a stream or something today?”
“How did you know?!”
“Minsoo...We manage your social media. We know everything.”
***
“It was made clear to you that as an idol, you can’t involve yourself in committed relationships, right? It’s come to my attention that you seem to think that this doesn’t apply to you,” Manager Choi chastises, “If you can’t stop whatever your relationship with this person is, we will take action. Do you understand?
Jaewon’s blood is ice. They know. They know about Jun and him and if he doesn’t stop seeing him they’ll—
“Yes sir.” The words unconsciously scratch their way out. It’s his fault.
***
Jaewon sits up in bed, his mind a whirling torrent. They—they don’t have to break up, right? They can just take extra precautions. Maybe pretend they’re not involved anymore, stop acting close in public and around Mayhem.
But he knows. Jun would hate it all, acting as if there’s nothing between them. He’d pretend he’s okay but he’d hide his suffering, and God Jaewon would rather disappear than make his pain Jun’s. He can’t do that to him.
Jun won’t leave him if it’s for his sake. Jaewon knows, he’d say that he can “tough it up” and would force himself to push through it, when that’s the last thing either of them want.
It’s better if he ends it. Simple. Even if it means pretending, lying to him and saying that he—that Jaewon doesn’t love him anymore. Sure, it’d hurt at first for both of them, but in the end Jun will get over it and move on and be happy with someone that can love him like a normal person.
Jaewon restrains his sobs imagining his lover’s face, crestfallen once he says those damned words, “I don’t love you anymore”, and falls back onto his bed.
He can’t do it. He can’t do it, but he has to.
***
Jaewon’s heart screams, watching Jun walk up to him at the bus stop, his eyes tranquil and full of deeply buried mirth. How can he do this to him? How can he break his heart just like that and say that it’s for the greater good? He’s too far in it now to stop. A tear rolls down Jaewon’s cheek, and the once mirthful expression quickly turns to concern.
‘Don’t look at me like that! Don’t—’
Before he knows it, he’s talking.
“Jun, I—I’m sorry, I don’t...I don't want to be with you anymore.” His voice waivers and cracks, and his knees feel close to buckling as nausea forms in his stomach. These words feel wrong, too wrong to be coming out of him. This isn’t right. This shouldn’t be happening. Jaewon sobs, his gaze downcast, but no warm embrace reaches out to comfort him. Junsu, standing silently beside him with his arms stiff by his side, nods simply and murmurs, “I understand,” before turning around and leaving him there.
Jun only manages to turn the corner before his body hits the wall.
How could he do this? How could he let himself become so vulnerable again?
It’s almost like a stab in the gut, over and over with every word he recalls. It can’t be real. It can’t be real, it can’t be real, it can’t be real —
He can’t do this to him, he can’t .
Jun just had to let himself go, huh? For the first pretty face to offer him true kindness that he had subconsciously craved so much? All those walls he had built to protect himself from the world built on deception, so easily destroyed by someone like Jaewon, just because it wasn’t as clear cut as he expected?
He can’t stay here in Seoul. Everywhere he goes, his face follows him. He can’t go back to his job, where they first met, or to his usual sleeping place, the park where he first asked Jaewon out. Fuck, he can’t even go to a bus stop without seeing a memory of the other man standing there, a tearful picture of beautiful treachery.
He has to go.
***
Later that night, Jaewon’s phone buzzes, the second time in an hour. Dae had tried approaching him earlier—seeing as he had crept into the dorm and shut himself in the room all day—but couldn’t receive an answer.
This time it’s Jun.
Remnants of the nausea from earlier return. He almost wants to leave his phone to the side, to slam it against the opposite wall, anything instead of opening it.
Nevertheless, he can’t stay ignorant to what it might say. He opens the message.
‘ I did really love you, Jaewon. Maybe that was my mistake. You are Wyld, after all. But even then, how could you lead me into this relationship, make me believe that you loved me, and then just drop it like that? I hope that you're in pain. I hope you suffer, the same way I did. and i'm sorry. i still love you.'
Jaewon tries to set his phone down steady, his hands shaking as he does so. Another buzz from his phone stops him.
'Was there nothing you felt, jaewon? Did you ever love me? i want to know, and don't lie. it's already over now anyway.'
Unbearable pain erupts in his chest. God, as if it couldn’t get worse . The love of his life, believing that he never truly cared, that it was all fake and that Jaewon never loved him.
‘But it’s your fault,’ a voice whispers, ‘you did this. You're the one that started it all.’
That’s just what makes it hurt so much. It’s true. It’s his fault. He shouldn’t have done this to Jun, make him believe it could work, and trick himself into believing he could be loved. As an idol, there’s no room for love. Only now does Jaewon fully understand how truly alone he is. There’s no one there for him now.
He types in a short message.
'I always loved you. I still do, more than anything, but we can't be together, because i'm an idol. I'm sorry for doing this to you.'
Maybe in another world it'd be different. They could go to cat cafes, museums, aquariums, amusement parks, anywhere they want to go, and nobody would say a thing. They'd be normal people, a normal couple in love, inseparable, committed. Maybe in another world he could be free.
But these dreams do nothing for him. He's alone, and that's the reality. Jun's gone, and he's alone, and he's Wyld, womanizer extraordinaire. There's nothing he can do to change that.