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Chapter Text

Quixotism

Sebias was excited - that was the only way he could put it. The otter had just bought Defenders for Mossflower on Steam for the cheap and affordable price of ten dollars (well, it was nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, but nobody cared about that). Downloading the game took him twenty minutes, not helped by the sub-optimal WiFi in his room, but finally, he was about to charge headfirst into the world of Mossflower, where he was to push back the evil armies of the Kingdom of Southward and be renowned as the heroic Taggerung!

Character creation was always the hardest part of every MMORPG, but Seb knew what to do. He had prepared for this. Brown-furred otter, green eyes, really expressive body language. "Gotcha!"

What Seb had not prepared for was to be stuck in a teeny room with a beaver, with fur just as brown as his own.

"Mossflower," announced Todge, his voice booming across the dingy little room. Sebias shivered, his fur standing on end. He was finally getting to play! "A land graced by the blessing of seers and the protection of heroes. Thanks to them, seasons of peace have been established. But peace was never meant to last. Rumours of a huge force are rearing their ugly faces, and it is time for heroes to answer the call… the call of Nest. Will you stand among us and fight for your land?"

The otter clapped his paws excitedly. "Awesome! I can't wait to save the world!"

The beaver mirrored his motions in similar excitement. "Splendid! That will be six dollars, ninety-nine a month! Thank you very much."

Dumbstruck, Sebias blinked as his smile faded into a surprised expression. "What? You mean I have to pay for the privilege of saving your tails?"

"Yep! So would that be Visa or Mastercard?"

"Okay… firstly, screw that, secondly, screw you, thirdly, you're on your own. I'm outta here!"

Todge crossed his arms. "Fine. We don't need you. I mean, it's not like you're here for the specific intent of playing a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game or something."

Silence blanketed the room for a minute or two, before Seb relented and the sound of credit card details being typed down on a low-end computer was heard.

The beaver grinned, nodding in approval as the otter opened the door to a new world. "That's more like it."

"My name is Sebias, call me Seb, and I'm brand-new to the world of Mossflower! I'm super friendly and positive and I love to make new friends! Well, I try to, anyway."

Sebias' in-game persona siddled up to another player's.

"Hi!" The excitable otter grinned. "I love your outfit!"

He was given no more than a glance. And even then it looked more like an animation glitch than anything else.

His grin faltering, the otter gave the silent player a pair of thumbclaws up."Okay. Bye!"

"I became an adventurer to be part of an active social community while questing!"

Standing in the middle of a bustling crowd, under a sign that read in poorly-written paw-writing 'CRAYLOCK', the otter whistled in appreciation.

"Wow! This world is so lively!"

A pine marten with a mark on her forehead approached, muttering about how everybeast was touching her.

"Hey there!"

She proceeded to walk through him. The otter frowned.

"I feel violated!"

A badger passed, their eyes bulging as they fell upon the otter. Wordlessly, he stepped aside, and disappeared down an unmarked alleyway.

Sebias frowned, his shoulders sagging. "Well, at least he made an effort."

He decided to try his luck on a nearby mouse. Surely some gamers here were nice!

"Hey! Wanna go questing together?"

The rodent spun round to face him. "Cheap Gold! Fast and instant delivery! Just visit 'double'u'-double'u'-double'u'-dot-DoMF-dot-freegold-dot-notascam-dot-net!"

"Whoa! Free Gold! What a deal! I knew I just had to be optimistic!"

"I am a very optimistic beast with quite the earlygame experience."

A level forty-nine fox tapped the otter on the shoulder.

""Hey! Wanna join our guild? We don't know anything about you, and we will continue to not know anything about you even after you join. But hey, we get to boost our numbers!"

The otter blinked. "Then what do I gain from joining?"

"You get a shiny badge!" the fox grinned, pinning said badge upon the otter's chest. "Oh, and you get to take anything from our community chest!"

The otter crept towards the chest, his eyes widening at the sight on cheap, common, low-level gear.

"Sweet!" the otter breathed, trading his centurion helmet for one of the provided ones. "Wanna do a dungeon together?"

"Nope." the fox chuckled, teleporting away.

"However, I've grown more experienced now and discovered that the only person that can help me make friends is myself! So I just throw stuff at the wall and hope it sticks!"

The otter slunk up to a dancing player, giving them a pair of finger guns. "Ha! So quirky! Totally not a waste of sub money and electricity!"

The otter popped out of a barrel in front of another player. "Hey, how are ya? Anyone else wanna play together?"

The otter slid over to a small crowd of low-level players. "I see a bunch of 'new adventurer' icons, so I know I'm not the only one! Anyone wanna go on a raid with me?"

Nothing but dead silence answered him.

"What a wonderful community!" the otter cheered.

"I chose to be a Paladin because it sounded cool. I didn't really read the description because come on, Paladin! You can't possibly be cooler than that!"

"Seb," growled a squirrel far too into the game for his own good. "These hordebeasts are kicking our asses!"

"Don't worry!" the otter replied, spamming 'Fast Blade' with newfound tempo. "I'm focusing on this one weasel, and it's only a matter of time until his health starts chipping away!"

"Draw them away!" The squirrel seethed as he cast 'Fire II', frothing out the mouth in rage. "You're a tank, you can't do damage!"

The otter blinked. "I'm a tank? I thought I was an otter! And a Paladin!"

Another otter shook his head. "Ich dachte Paladine sind Verteidiger!"

"Speak English!" Sebias whined, watching as 'this one weasel' stabbed him in the chest.

"I'm getting better at understanding my role in the team."

"Come here, you vermin! This way!" Seb hollered, running laps around the hordebeasts and watching as one by one, the rats, ferrets and crows started chasing after him - and was that a wolf he saw? "Okay! I led them all away from you! Now what?" It was only then that the hapless Paladin realized he was surrounded.

He swallowed. "Guys?"

His teammates shook their heads, watching in resignation as the otter was beaten into a bloody pulp.

"My team gets somewhat frustrated with the way I tank, but hey. You can't improve without any sort of practice!"

Sebias tore through a pair of oversized cockroaches with ease. Grinning confidently he pounced upon a crab - and was promptly bisected.

"What the heck? Why is there a Level 50 monster with the low-level trash? Help! Revive me!"

"If I cast Raise on you, you're not going to learn your lesson," a sour-faced ferret scowled, turning away to deal with the rest of the bugs. "Also, you don't pay my sub."

"Overall, I'm having a blast here, and I can't wait to take down all the enemies and save Mossflower! My name is Sebias, and this is my - this is our story!"

Chapter Text

Epicaricacy

The diabolical laughter that all too often followed sinister plots reverberated across Todge's small, dark room. A small ferret stood hunched before the unresponsive beaver, cackling menacingly and rubbing his paws the way all sinister creatures of the dark did.

"For too long, my fellow ferrets have suffered under the tyranny of the bullying woodlanders! I have come to Mossflower to expunge the undesirables, so the one true species, the ferret, can rise!"

"Good for you, mate." Todge gave him a pair of thumbclaws-up. "That will be six dollars, ninety-nine a month! Thank you very much."

The ferret gave a furtive glance around the room, before producing the payment. "Here it is. My mum's credit card. Don't tell anybeast you have it."

"Right this way, Sir."

"My name is Fret the Fearsome, but you may kindly address me as Lord Fret the First, Breaker of Ferret Chains and Supreme Conqueror of Mossflower!"

An awkward silence followed this declaration.

"Yeah… no," said Eula the badger. As the leader of the secret community of Nest, she often had to talk to strange beasts, and the ferret standing before her now was giving some of the strangest a run for their Gold. "Tell me other things about yourself, maybe?"

The ferret shrugged. "I was born in Redwall, but they're a bunch of pastry-hugging tail-sniffers." He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed, evidently still bitter about it. "So I emigrated to Ferthorpe, where the one true species, the ferret, rules supreme! A great part of their ruling council are ferrets, so it was the logical starting ground for my revolution."

"Okay…" Eula rubbed at her forehead. The things I do for gold... "How do you feel about questing?"

Fret shrugged. "I guess I enjoy questing and being a hero. But holy Vulpuz, is it bleeping stupid sometimes!"

Fret growled in frustration - he hated escort missions. He still had no idea why he had accepted the damn quest! Was it Gold? Was it experience points? It definitely wasn't empathy. In any case, it didn't matter - he was close to guiding the dumb hedgehog across a river and a gorge, leading the vile woodlander to his friends.

"Hurry up, hedgehog! Slash-beckon. Slash-beckon! Here!"

At long last, following the arduous journey they had arrived at their destination, and Fret allowed himself a sigh of contentment.

"Ah, sweet victory!"

The ferret tapped his claws impatiently against the desk, wondering what was taking so long.

"What in Hellgates?" he scowled. "This is the right spot on the map!"

Fret peered down the face of the cliff adjacent to him and burned with rage. Down below, an otter and a shrew were tapping their feet, no doubt waiting for their hedgehog companion.

"Burn it all! Well, I'm not wasting my time bonuses for bad progress programming!"

"What're we going to do?" the hedgehog whined, clutching at his quills.

"I might just have an idea," said the ferret, beckoning his escort closer to the cliffside. "Now, would you just stand here…"

One nonchalant nudge later, the hedgehog was sent over the cliff, screaming all too loudly for Fret's liking. He hit the bottom with a loud 'splat'.

"Oh look," the ferret grinned as a notification popped up besides him. "'Krummin has been escorted to safety - quest complete'. Ah, sweeter victory!"

"People say I'm a bit mean, but I only spew hate because people deserve it."

Lounging upon a luxurious couch, Fret picked up a small bell and rang it. As expected, a scantily-clad mouse popped out from behind him.

"Why in Hellgates are you still here?" the ferret shouted. "I sent you on a hunting mission!"

"But you called-"

"Did you sell my stuff?" Fret demanded crossly.

"Well no!" the mouse admitted. "Nobody wants to buy twenty-five logs for five-thousand gold!"

"Everyone does in the endgame!" Fret snarled, slamming his fist upon the pillows. "How else are they going to build a house? What do I pay you for?"

"You don't pay me!" the retainer protested.

Fret scoffed. Non-player characters didn't deserve wages, and non-ferrets even less. It was very kind of him to give the poor mouse anything. "I pay you in retainer tokens!"

"We don't accept these as currency anymore! Not after patch one point oh-five!"

"Screw you!" Fret growled, tossing a pillow and the bell at the irksome rodent. "You don't pay my sub!"

"You know," the mouse said, scowling. "Retainers perform better if you give them actual clothing to wear."

An awkward silence ensued, made less silent when Fret kicked the mouse between the legs.

"People are always telling me how to play a game I pay monthly for! I play MY way. The ferret way. The correct way!"

"What the heck, Fret?" demanded a battered otter Paladin. "Look, I don't care about your ferret supremacist nonsense, but you're a Brightmage! You can't only heal yourself because 'we're not worthy of your grace' or whatever you're trying to say!"

"Learn to tank properly! Or are you just otterly stupid?"

"I am tanking properly!" the otter protested. "You're not healing properly!

"Screw you!" Fret snarled, muting the Paladin's complaints. "You don't pay my sub!"

"Not necessarily," said the annoying Darkmage Fret was saddled with, a squirrel who had spent too many hours playing a trivial game. "As taxpayers, we pay taxes that are fed back into the public by way of government-organised public services required to run and maintain the country you're in to make it possible for you to play this game. Thus, by transitive property, we do pay your sub!"

Curling his paws into fists, the ferret stomped over to the squirrel and slammed a footpaw down on his tail. The Darkmage screamed. Loudly.

"People ask me, 'Fret, why are you such a jerk?'. To which I say, 'Chew my ferret tail!', and most of the time that answers their stupid questions. So all in all, I'm a pretty decent guy and I'm gonna save this stupid land. Why? For the money, of course! I'm gonna-"

"Fret!" shouted the ferret's mother, back in the real world. "Keep it down, dear! And have you seen my credit card? I've been looking for it for ages!"

The ferret lowered his voice sheepishly. "Nope!"

Chapter Text

Fixation

"My name is Jared, I'm a Darkmage, and I've lost count on how many characters I'm on now. What can I say? I just love Mossflower and what it has to offer. I take each class seriously and I treat each and every one like a delicate craft. Name the job, and I've got it maxed, suited and booted. Or I'm just working on it."

Clad in an apron, white clothes and a chef hat, Jared stopped by his latest quest. Another beast in desperate need of something.

"I need you to take these materials, and craft me a ship part!" the Guosim shrew squeaked, holding out a bone, a pair of chopsticks and somebeast's left sock.

"Sure!" said the squirrel, whipping out a frying pan, and adding the materials into it. Within a single minute, he had a stove quickly set up, and was calmly roasting the bits and bobs to form some sort of white foodstuff. With a quick breath into it, a sail suddenly appeared within the pan.

The shrew blinked. "Did you just fry me a sail?"

"Sue me." Jared shrugged. "I need to level up my Gourmet skills."

Tentatively and consumed by curiosity the shrew bit into the sail. "Hm. Crispy."

"Name the race. I've got at least two characters for it, one for each gender!"

"Dammit, where is everyone?" asked a ferret Brightmage, tapping his footpaw. His team had promised to meet him at nine-thirty at North Bridge at Kalno, but they were nowhere to be seen.

"Yo! Hi there, Fret!"

The ferret looked across the bridge and saw a great female badger rushing towards him, stopping just in time to not knock him into the river below.

"Who the Hellgates are you?"

"It's me, Jared!" said the badger, pointing a thumbclaw at herself. "I bought the Salamandastron DLC and unlocked the badger race!"

"Urgh, you really let yourself go," said a nearby mouse, the spitting image of Martin, the first Warrior of Redwall.

"And who the Hellgates are you?" the ferret demanded.

The mouse looked affronted. "It's me, Sebias! I'm trying out a Martin glamour set!"

An otter Pikebeast- the only one Fret recognized as a member of his team, shook his head. "Glamours functionen nicht so. Martins outfit ist nicht im Spiel bist du Level 50 erreichen!"

"Cram it, you kraut!" the ferret snapped.

"Nein," typed the otter, which came out after autotranslate as a terse 'No'.

"I take immersion very seriously in Mossflower."

Sitting down at a bush, Jared took out his sickle. His Gardener skills required only two levels until he reached level fifty, maxing out the entire skill tree. He calmly began to harvest berries, hoping that they would be useful for maxing out Gourmet as well.

Suddenly two groups of gnarly, snarling vermin began roaring up a storm.

"Prepare t'die Barney!"

"It is YOU who shall die t'day Bernie!"

The fiendish fellows threw knives, spells and finally themselves at each other in a cacophony of noise, from grunts to screams and explosions.

"YOU KEEP IT DOWN OVER THERE! I'M TRYING TO HARVEST!" Jared shouted.

"Sorry…" an unnamed rat muttered sheepishly.

The squirrel turned away, once more focused on his work. Behind him the battle raged on in relative silence, combatants resorting to tiptoeing; weapons and spells making no more than a squeak. Jared smiled as he went back to gathering his fruits.

"I also don't do roleplay. I mean, I don't condemn people for doing it. I do roleplay too, but not in the game because I'm strictly here for the gameplay."

A crowd gathered in Kalno Shrine, standing at two sides of a red carpet. Upon the altar stood Mekai the sable and a squirrel clad in a dazzling white dress. It was Larina's wedding day, after all, and she had best wear her best.

A whooshing sound suddenly rang through the shrine, followed by an abrupt glow and the sudden appearance of a soaking wet squirrel.

"Whoops!" Jared shook himself, allowing the water to flee his fur. Sorry I'm late. Inundation took longer to kill than usual. Had a bunch of newbie teammates, so yeah."

"Oh, Jared. This is the happiest day of my life!"

"Yeah, yeah. Everything's just peachy." The squirrel checked his watch. "Can we speed it up? I've gotta clear Marshank in an hour. Gotta teach these newbies."

Mekai, who was acting as the officiator, ruffled her brows. "I'll take that as an 'I do' for you. And do you, Larina Skyleaf, take Jared Sandeye to be your eternally bonded life partner?"

"I do!" the squirrelmaid squealed, her pupils dilating.

"By the power invested in me by Great Seasons, I declare you two to be eternally bonded! Jared, you may now kiss the bride!"

The squirrel leaned in, darted to the side, weaved his mouth around her awaiting lips and gave Larina a small peck on the cheek. The assembled crowd clapped.

"This is the best day of my life!" the squirrelmaid gasped, as tears of joy rolled down her face.

Jared checked his inventory. "Okay. I've got the two-seater mount. And the tuxedo. AND the achievement! Time to go!"

"Where are we going?" Larina cooed.

"I, singular, am going raiding with my friend."

The squirrelmaid blinked. "Wha-? But…"

Jared placed a paw on her shoulder. He looked her right in the eye. "Honey, you knew what this was." With another abrupt whoosh, the Darkmage disappeared.

"This is the worst day of my life!" Larina sobbed, as actual tears began to slide down her face.

"Some don't approve of my methods, but I say the myriad beasts of Mossflower should be grateful they have somebeast like me to save their tails over and over again."

The familiar opening cutscene played as Jared walked into Kalno's square. Once it was over, the squirrel dashed off into the neighbourhood, pushing away everybeast in his way, entering a two-storey building and running straight up to a counter.

The beaver seated behind it smiled. "Welcome to the Adventurer's Building. Now that you are a formal member, we must make sure you have a firm grasp of the fundamentals of-"

"Yeah, I don't think so." Jared slid a few pieces of papers into the receptionist's paw.

"Wait. This isn't Gold! Oh…" He surveyed the pale green notes and smirked at the smug face of Benjamin Franklin. "A section skipper, right? You're good to go."

"Sometimes things progress slower than I would like, but there's nothing I can't fix."

"So you come to me," The Umbrage Kwellain cackled. Now was the chance to destroy the fabled Taggerung in a one-on-one fight! "Even though-"

The squirrel cut him off, irritated. "I'm skipping the cutscene."

The Umbrage blinked. "Excuse me?"

Jared rolled his eyes. "I've undertaken this Trial around eight times before, and I remember that this takes, like, three minutes, and I don't have time to answer your questions."

Kwellain blinked again. "Won't that suck away all of the tension? I had a speech prepared!"

"Look," the squirrel said tersely. "Are we fighting or not?"

The Umbrage tried and failed to hide his disappointment. "Alright…"

"Some say I have a serious obsession with Mossflower and I should take a step back from it, to which I say…" Jared deliberated on the right words, before slamming his fist onto a table and screaming. "You're absolutely right! Oh goodness, I need help! It started with one extra character! How did it end up like this?"

Chapter Text

Indifference

Once again, Eula was hard at work meeting a new player. The ferret had left a sour taste in her mouth, but this otter should be a bit easier to handle. "Can you tell us about yourself?"

"Mein name ist Kiormund, nenn mich Kio. Ich komme aus Craylock und meine Hauptklasse ist Pikenier, obwohl ich mit anderen rollen experimentiere."

"Uh… what?"

"Welchen teil verstehst du nicht? Ich glaube ich habe vollkommen klar gesprochen."

"Fine. I'll get the translation software."

"Urgh, ok." The otter rolled his eyes, clearly displeased at having to repeat himself. "My name is Kiormund, and I come from Craylock. Do call me Kio. My main class is Pikebeast, though I like playing around with other roles."

"Just tell us about your life here, alright?"

The otter huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Well, my journey started out like any other…"

The voice of Martin the Warrior boomed through the waiting room. "Pikebeast, hm? You are bold to select this class. Pick a server."

The otter considered his choices, stroking his chin as he did so. "Hmm… lass mich sehen… aww, das heir heißt Dibbun, wie süß!"

"Very well!" There was a brief pause and the sound of a teleporter being turned on. Suddenly the voice spoke again, but too late. "W-wait, Dibbun? You're joining a North American server!"

The otter vanished into a portal.

The warrior sighed heavily. "I hate this job."

A new player entered not long after, clapping his paws excitedly. "Oh, it's Martin the Warrior! I'm a mouse! J-just like you!"

"Of course you are," came the deadpan voice of Martin. "How original."

"I picked up the Pikebeast class and slowly made it up the levels, but it wasn't an easy ride."

"Now, it's time to take down Stallworth and all his searat traitors!" Kiormund readied his spear and prepared to charge into battle - only for a firm paw to block his path.

"Yeah, you and everyone else," barked a guardbeast. "Get to the back of the line!"

The otter blinked, his ears drooping in misery. He glanced back to see the queue of beasts extended far, far beyond the horizon...

A ferret in worn Brightmage gear slid towards the guard and tapped them on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I'm a healer."

At once, the guardsbeast stepped to the side. "Oh sorry. Right this way, sir!"

"Thank you!" The ferret spared the now-seething otter a wink. Trying to voice a complaint, Kio was clearly shut up by the angry barking of the guard.

"What are you looking at, DPS? Back of the line! Now!"

With a sigh the otter turned away, his tail dragging along the ground behind him in misery.

"Even if I eventually get to see action, it doesn't always end well."

Targeting a searat, Kio pressed 'Heavy Thrust', smiling as his spear smashed into her. 'Impulse Drive' was next, and the searat was gone, dropping an impressive number of experience points. The otter spun towards a weasel shieldbearer and pressed 'Jump' - only to be blasted with two fireballs from a pair of mages. As Kio dropped to the ground with an audible thud, a horde of searats slammed bits of planks and barrel-lids down upon his whimpering form with unnecessary glee.

The Pikebeast moaned in pain as he waited for a healer to Raise him. Why was he always launched into area-of-effect attacks whenever he Jumped?

"Sometimes I try to clear my map of all those pesky exclamation points. Why are there so many quests?"

The otter strolled into a new, unexplored village, only to find his path blocked by a desperate-looking mouse.

"Oh please hear my tale, mighty warrior, for it is one of woe! You see, vermin claimed the lives of my family, and I've been fending for myself ever since. I have to live off whatever scraps I can come across. For five long seasons- I'm sorry. Is my tragic tale bothering you?"

"No, no. Please continue." Kio rolled his eyes, preparing his teleporter.

"Well, our camp is riddled with disease and famine, and it would be very nice of you to fetch us-"

The sound of a Warp Crystal connecting to the otter's teleporter ripped through the air, earning a nervous chuckle from Kio and an annoyed grimace from the mouse.

Kio had the grace to look flustered. "Heh heh, sorry!"

"Can you try to fetch us five herbs that grow on the other side of the hills?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever." The otter said, turning away. He picked up a notebook as he did so and crossed the village out of a long list of crossed-out villages.

"Well, I did say try. I never said I was actually doing it. And as time went on, I slowly lost my patience with side quests."

"Alright, what can I help you with?" asked Kio.

"Please!" A frantic rat knelt before him, wringing her paws as if in prayer. "My sister went into the woods six hours ago and hasn't returned! I fear for her safety! You see, she was fetching supplies for our dinner tonight. As my leg had just been broken-"

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there. I thought this was a main story quest!" Shaking his head from side to side the otter prepped his teleporter. "And never say the f-word again! Fetch quests are dull, and you know it!"

The ratmaid blinked, at a loss for words. "B-but… my plight…" She could do nothing as the otter walked away, crossing out another village.

"I have little time for these petty distractions, but I will answer when duty calls! Literally!"

"Welcome to Nest. I am Eula. I'm sure Mekai-"

A portal opened up in front of the otter, marked clearly with 'TRIAL DUTY! Entry within 1 minute - countdown beginning now.'

"Hang on. Give me a second."

"Not again…" the badger sighed as Kio dived in.

A few moments later, another portal opened and a battered otter was unceremoniously dumped at the badger's footpaws.

"Never mind," the otter groaned, pushing himself upright. "The tank dropped, and I got pulverised. Blasted animation locks… at least they didn't joke about my class anymore. So yeah! What about Mekai?"

"So as you can see, I am a by-the-book adventurer. Honestly, there's not much to me except for the fact I speak German and nobody understands me."

"I take it, that's your entire character?"

"Yup."

Eula blinked and sighed. "I'm sure that won't get old fast."