Chapter Text
Izuku tries to remember when he’s felt greater pain than what he’s feeling right now.
He fails.
Even as he recalls seeing Uraraka falling to the ground when the giant robots are unleashed to terrorize a bunch of kids. He thinks, he knows, the pain he felt when his legs cracked under his power, sending him soaring through the air, still doesn’t compare to what he’s feeling now. His arm breaks once he’s punched the robot in the face and still, there’s no greater pain than what he’s feeling right now. Because those wounds can and will be healed.
But right now he’s dreading what’s to come, the nurse has just bandaged his arm and told him not to exhaust it too much. Recovery Girl healed his legs and arms as best she could, but the limbs still remained fragile.
In an instant Toshinori is leaning against the door frame of his hospital room. The nurse turns to him and they discuss briefly the side effects of him breaking all three out of four of his limbs. He doesn’t hear what they say, doesn’t want to. He already knows. She turns back to face Izuku, who’s refusing to even look at her, he doesn’t want her to see him cry. Not again.
“I’m all finished here, so I’ll let you two have a moment.”
Toshinori waits until she’s completely left the room and a little down the hall before closing the door to Izuku’s room. He straightens at the sound of a door shutting and his eyes lock with All Might’s.
“Young Midoriya-” He barely begins before he’s cut off by an impatient Izuku.
“I’m so sorry, All Might.” Izuku bows his head, and if he could stand he would probably be on his knees right now. He can feel warm liquid falling from his eyes and running down his cheeks. “All I wanted was to get into UA and become a hero just like you.” His hand reaches up to his cheek so he can feel the result of his failure. He wipes away the current tears and clenches the fist of his good arm.
“I know,” Toshinori puts a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder, coaxing him to meet his eyes once more. He doesn’t. He’s too ashamed to face the world’s Number One Hero. He continues, “which is why I don’t blame you.”
Izuku’s head shoots up, his eyes pink from the tears. Toshinori knows they’ll be red by the day's end. “You don’t?” Toshinori could kick himself for once again giving the boy hope, knowing he’ll have to be the one to rip it away.
“I blame myself.” The way he breathes in tells Izuku there’s more he wants to say. Instead he takes a seat next to Izuku, preparing himself for what to say next. “I may have jumped the gun when making you my successor. Your heart has always been in the right place, Izuku Midoriya.” He gestures to the broken arm, “I just don’t think your body has the strength.”
Izuku doesn’t say anything for a while. It’s almost as if the words don’t register, like what All Might is implying can’t be true. “You’re giving up on me?” Izuku mumbles, but he knows that his mentor has heard him.
There’s another silence and Izuku knows the answer, knows that his mentor has deemed him unworthy. He stands, and despite the shiver it shoots up his spine there’s no pain. His legs feel wrong, but they carry him towards the large window in his hospital room anyway.
It’s not long before he can hear a shift behind him, Toshinori stands to his feet and walks over to him. His presence lingers next to him and Izuku swears there’s tears in his eyes. He reaches out to the green haired boy but he shrugs out of his touch. Even though he knows what the silence means, he still needs to hear the man say it.
“There’s nothing else I can do.”
He’s lying. He has to be. This can’t be the end. He could apply to other schools with hero courses, UA might be the best but it isn’t the only one. “B-But I have One for All!” His voice is hoarse as he speaks, he barely recognizes it as his own. He’s surprised his body hasn’t collapsed beneath him.
“You do,” Toshinori begins, pinching the bridge of his nose. Izuku briefly wonders if Toshinori knows that every word he speaks breaks him further. “And since there’s no way I could really take it back from you, it’s your power to keep.” The words seem bitter, not as happy as his voice did when he had granted him the power.
“There has to be a way I can be a hero! UA isn’t the only hero school in the country.” He wants to scream, but the words come out as nothing more than a choked sob. He was suffocating in his own pain. His own failure.
The older man sighs, “With your broken arm…” His voice sounds like he was the one who was having his dreams crushed by his hero. “There’s no way other schools would let you sign up for the entrance exams now.”
There’s an uncomfortable silence that settles between the two, both staring out the window. It isn’t long before Toshinori shifts, taking a step back and begins heading for the door. His head swings back around to look at Izuku’s back. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I’m sorry, Izuku.”
He waits until he hears the door shut and footsteps walking down the hall to collapse to his knees. His head hangs and he lets out a gut wrenching scream. It’s the most agonizing thing he’s ever heard come out of his mouth.
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Two hours pass before he moves from the floor, and it’s only because the nurse tells him they need the room.
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He’s walking down the street, remembering all the times he thought he could be a hero, all the times being quirkless has failed him. His feet carry him to UA’s entrance, the one place where having a quirk failed him. He stares at the security fence, shut tight for the night. Everything he’s ever wanted lays behind that damn fence.
All his life he’s been told he needed a quirk to be a hero, that he couldn’t possibly succeed in his dreams without one. He wants to scream that he has one, that the world is forced to accept him now. He doesn’t. If he did, he’d have to explain how his quirk developed ten years too late. If he did, he’d have to out All Might to the world, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t break his trust just because he’s angry.
Izuku picks up a rock and tosses at the fence. It doesn’t leave a dent in the titanium doors, but it leaves one in his anger.
“Vandalizing the school just because you didn’t get in, Deku?” Footsteps are approaching and he spins on his heel to see Bakugou leaning against a tree. He doesn’t say anything just turns back around and resumes staring at the fence. “Don’t ignore me, you damn nerd!” He can hear Bakugou walk up behind him, he shoves Izuku, not hard enough to hurt him, just so he can’t ignore his presence anymore.
“I guess you were right, Kacchan.” He starts, a muttering mess barely holding back his tears. “I’m never going to be a hero.” He chuckles, but there’s no humor to it. It’s dark and twisted and he’s sure the sound is only there to stop him from completely crashing again.
Because he won’t crash three times today. And he just knows he’ll break when he tells his mom.
“Look, you damn nerd. You had to know you'd never make it into a school as prestigious as UA without a quirk.” He almost hears remorse in Bakugou’s voice, but he doesn’t stay for long enough to find out.
I have a quirk.
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The first thing Izuku hears when he comes home is the clatter of dishes in the kitchen. He doesn’t have time to take off his jacket before he’s rushing into the kitchen to check on his mother. He’s barely able to get a word out before his mom pulls him into a hug. She squeezes him until he can’t breathe and even then she holds on a little longer.
His shoulder soon becomes damp with tears, and she’s shaking slightly. “Izuku! Thank god you’re home I was so worried about you.” Her words are muffled by his shirt.
Izuku glances over her shoulder towards the TV in the living room, it’s almost always on the news channel. There’s a broadcast about an attack on the hospital he was in, the hospital All Might was in. The television stays muted so he does his best to read the words on the bottom banner, he catches glimpses of words like ‘savior’, ‘league’, ‘escape ’. He can piece together the rest.
He doesn’t need to ask her why she was worried, instead he tries to reassure her. “Sorry for worrying you, mom.” He pulls her back slightly, making sure to pull mostly with his good arm. “I had to stay after to have my arm wrapped up, but I’m okay now.”
He doesn’t miss the frown she gives as she looks down at his bandaged arm. “I’m glad you’re okay.” She says, although she doesn’t seem too pleased with his current state. “Tell me all about how the exam went!” She has a newfound joy in her eyes, and Izuku feels terrible for having to rip it away from her.
“Well…” He starts. It shouldn’t be this hard, all he has to do is tell his mother the truth. So he does. “I aced the written portion. And the questions they asked? It felt like I’d been studying for them my whole life.”
She giggles a bit and waits for him to continue, by now he’s dropped her gaze and is absently kicking at the floor. She moves her hands so that one is gripping his shoulder lightly and the other is gently raising his chin to meet her eyes. “Izuku.”
The way she’s looking at him makes him feel like he’s disappointed his hero all over again. His eyes swell with tears, “I didn’t get in.” Her expression doesn’t change, and he’s unsure if she’s heard him. “I tried mom, I really did,” He looks down at his hands, clenching his fist. “But even with my newly developed quirk I failed.”
She smiles at him, though there’s tears in her eyes too. It reminds him of when he was a young boy, and they had first been told he was quirkless. “Izuku… I never cared if you were a hero.” she runs her fingers over his fist, his own fall open under her touch. “I just wanted you to be happy.”
Her words should make him feel better, but they just remind him of a time when she told him he’d never be a hero. They bring him nothing but more pain.
He hugs her once more and mumbles a ‘thank you’ into her shoulder. “If you don’t mind I’m going to my room.” She gives him a thumbs up and with that he vanishes.
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Almost a week later, Izuku’s home alone while his mom is at work. The doorbell rings and he has no reason not to open it. He’s met with the mailman holding out a package from UA
He already knows what it is, his rejection letter. He prefers to think of it as the physical proof of his failure. Not that he needed it, All Might’s words haven’t left his head.
Regardless, he takes the device back to his room. All Might announces he’s going to be a teacher at UA and bitterly, Izuku thinks he should have used his connections to help him. All Might continues to rattle on, but Izuku stopped paying attention long after he heard the words a second time.
This time, however, his head is clear. He isn’t dealing with fresh wounds of jealousy and rage. This time, he knows he can’t blame it on not having a quirk. All Might gave him his quirk so it has to be a good one. It has to be enough for him to be a hero.
That can only mean Izuku isn’t enough. He never is.
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Izuku's favorite time has to be just waking up. The sun has barely set over the horizon, painting the sky a mess of colors that somehow merges into one of the most beautiful things he has ever seen. The scenery, while beautiful alone, was complemented by the gentle rush of the city. The low rumble of engines just outside his window, the footsteps that would splash in puddles right after it rained, and even the way people interacted. Something about how they spoke to each other when the moment came to pass was magical, as if their bodies were winding up along with the sun.
Still, none of these are the reasons he's developed a sudden interest in waking up. It's the way his shoulders pull back, making him stand tall against the world. The way his feet seem to defy gravity, each step as light as a feather.
The way he momentarily forgets the events of the past week.
The events don't reach his mind until long after he's walking out of the bathroom, dressed in a red sweatshirt and green joggers that don't quite match. It doesn't matter though, he has nowhere to go. His plans consist of talking - a loose term for the one sided conversation - to his mother about a future he hasn't planned for.
His shoulders fall as his feet carry him down the hallway, his head hanging. He catches a glimpse of something white, the bandage that should have been wrapped tightly around his arm is now hanging out of his sleeve. He tugs at it, feeling the rest of the dingy white material tighten around his forearm.
Again, he tugs, still walking forward but now completely fixated on getting this bandage off. He doesn't need the reminder of his failure. Each time he does so he feels it tighten, it feels like it's chaining him down to this version of himself.
"Izuku!" His mother is already rushing over to him, or at least he thinks she is, his vision has begun to blur. "Here let me help you." She takes his arm, beginning to push up his sleeve.
"I can do this myself!" He snaps, he doesn't mean to, the look of hurt that flashes over his mother's face makes him instantly regret it. In a quieter tone, he adds, "please just let me do something myself."
She relents, letting his arm drop to his side, and takes a step back. "Just come to the kitchen when you're done."
When she's gone, he lifts his arm himself and begins to unravel the bandage, the way he should have done to begin with.
He doesn't realize he's crying until the first tears run down his face.
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Neither of them talk about his outburst when he steps into the kitchen ten minutes laters. In fact, they don't say anything while his mom fixes him breakfast.
She sets a plate of bacon, eggs, and a piece of toast down in front of him. The plate breaks the silence, but his mother uses it to begin their own conversation.
"So, I was thinking…" Izuku's eyes fall to his plate, his fork presses into his egg, watching the yolk break and release a yellow liquid. "I know you've always wanted to be a hero, even without a quirk you were so sure you were going to make it."
You weren't. He wants to say. He considers it, but the outcome could only be bad and with so many aspects of his life already falling apart, he doesn't need his family to be included. He opts for silence, meeting his mother's gaze so she knows she's free to continue.
She swallows. "Right, and I know the most important part of being a hero was that you got to help people." He nods. "But there's other ways to do that and I have no doubt you'll find something perfect for you, without the use of your quirk."
There's an unseen smile on her face, but he can see it in the way her eyes light up at the thought of him not using his quirk. She had been distraught when he explained what his body had been through and why exactly he wasn't fit for UA.
She goes back to the kitchen counter, returning with brochures for high school's. "All of these schools have a great general studies program-"
"Mom." He waits for her to meet his eyes again. "I don't have a plan for the future, right now, but I'll figure something out." There's an unspoken, 'this is something I need to do alone'. "Please?"
She doesn't say anything, just leaves the brochures on the table before turning back to the counter top. "Eat your breakfast before it gets cold." Her voice waivers, Izuku doesn't bring himself to consider what it means.
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(He locks himself in his room until his mother leaves.)
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True to his word, Izuku spends the next hour looking over brochures for potential schools.
He sits on his couch, socks on, with his legs crossed. The pile of pamphlets sorted into two three neat stacks in front of him. The ones he hasn't gone through, the ones he doesn't even plan on applying too, and the ones he thinks could be a good fit in another life.
The TV flickers, the shadows it was previously making turns into something new. Izuku chances a glance up.
The news is broadcasting All Might's latest save, apparently a villain had attacked in the middle of town with no clear motive. Talk of All Might's heroic actions had spread fast, people were noticing his fight has lasted longer than usual. The headline reads; 'Is the Symbol of peace no more?'
Izuku frowns, the news shouldn't have been able to catch on so quickly. Not unless All Might's strength was diminishing rapidly. If the Symbol of Peace was getting weaker villains all over Japan would rise up to take a swing at him, to see who would fall the mighty hero.
But there is no if, Izuku knows it’s true, knows why he can’t throw a punch as hard as he used to.
Honestly, he almost pities the villains. Even at less than half his strength All Might still manages to blow away their half baked plan. It’s the only thing that has brought a smile to his face in a week.
He stares at the screen for a little longer before tearing his eyes away. What would his mother think if she walked in right now?
He can picture the face she'd make instantly. He knew that face, the same face she used to make when he was a kid obsessed with All Might. She’d worry about him; worried his fixation with All Might has transferred to something else. Something on a larger scale.
He'd try to reassure her that this wasn't what she thought it was. He knows he won't be a hero, he's not trying to find some way around it. And that's all it would take for her to plaster on a fake smile and leave him alone with his thoughts.
Like he is right now.
She'd leave him with the thought of a new future, somehow brighter than the one he's always envisioned. She'd be so confident that he would do great things in this future, that he would be happy.
He wouldn't tell her that he can't picture it. That everytime he tries he gets this dull ache in his head like his body is trying to tell him he's going the wrong way.
His mother seemed to be under the impression that if he just tried to forget about his old hobby, he'd be able to move on with his life.
He isn't so naive.
"All Might hasn't been seen around the city since the fight, which is unusual for the hero-"
Blood pounds in his ears, drowning out the voices on the TV. His heart pounds in his chest, seemingly speeding up with each passing minute. He becomes aware of his delayed breathing. The warm air of the room used to be a comfort, now it seems as if it's more of a burden. His legs tremble under his weight as he stands.
He doesn't allow it to stop him from moving forward, he has to get out of there. Izuku's hand shakes as he raises it to open the door.
The cool outside air rushes forward. He takes a deep breath, and then another. It's not enough, he still feels like something tore a hole in his lung, making it impossible for him to take in enough air. Izuku takes his first step outside of his house, and then a few more, as if putting distance between it and himself will solve all his problems. It doesn’t. When his legs have stopped shaking his walks dissolves into a gentle jog.
In minutes he goes from running through the streets of Japan, to running through the halls of his memories. On the right, he can see Toshinori standing outside of his home, telling Izuku about his quirk. He tells him that his quirk can be passed down, that it’s the only chance Izuku actually has of becoming a hero.
The memory makes his stomach churn, an uncomfortable feeling weight settles itself on his chest. He doesn’t want to see himself so happy and smiling in disbelief, because he knows what comes next. He spins around to the left and suddenly, he wishes he hadn’t. Now he sees himself training with his hero. He’s clearing the beach and pushing himself, possibly further than any kid he knows. No, he thinks, not possibly. He does push himself further, all because he wasn’t born with a quirk.
The sick feeling in his gut boils over. He doubles over, arms instinctively wrapping around his torso as he coughs out nothing but air. His face turns red with the force of trying to expel the sickening feeling from his body.
Izuku's hall of memories fade. He's in a dimly lit alley, not far from the public streets of Japan. He could turn around and be faced with the public population again, or he could stay here and be alone.
He chooses the second option.
Izuku finds himself sitting on the cement, he throws his arms over his knees and lays his forehead on top. He exhales, finally feeling the air fill his lungs and stay. A warm tear slides down his cheeks, the beginning of many.
And that's how Izuku finds himself crying in an alley.
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"Are you okay?"
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