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Living.
A simple, easy word. Yet subtly holding a deeper meaning behind its simpleness. Some might think that everyone they ever saw is living. If they breathe, and their heart beats, they’re alive. But have you ever thought there is a possibility of living as if you’re dead? Living through an endless circle of boring routine, really far from the word pleasing.
Your day started with seeing the sun rise, flushing the sky with red-colored blood from the night she killed. And get to watch the moon making its revenge to take the sun’s place a few hours later. Living while constantly trying to find any small reasons to keep going. Desperately gasping for air within the suffocating emptiness of the repetitive days.
Living as if you're not alive.
Jisung might be one of the tons of people who lived like that. He has been fighting cancer since he was a child, watching how the sickness robbed away everything that could make his life interesting with no mercy. One by one as if it’s a flower petal they counted while wondering whether or not they should keep him alive.
The little Jisung always thought that one day he will be free from it, he will spread his wings graciously and fly to the sky with nothing dragging him to stay on the ground. He will finally live his life to the fullest. That one day, everything is going to be just fine.
Until he realized it won’t.
Only a few days have just passed since he agreed for the doctor to do the surgery. The doctor told him about the side effects of the surgery—which he actually doesn't really care about. He has had enough. If he will die because of the surgery, then he will just let it be. He has nothing to be excited about life after all.
He has no reasons to keep going, not in this pathetic situation where he was the one at such a high risk to die, yet his parents are the one who leave first. World is unfair, and he was just a minor part of the victims of its cruelty. And there he was, having a—hopefully—some delightful time of his life, chilling in one town near the forest.
He was tempted to heal. Not for his body, of course. He was completely aware of the fact that his body may never get healed, but he could try for his mind. So even if the surgery failed, he could at least die in peace with no tangled threads inside his head.
He looked around, reminiscing on how he used to spend his childhood in that town. How a toddler Jisung would run as fast as he could around the tall grass, how he played with some squirrels who sometimes made a quick visit on his yard and hopping around the trees, how he used to smile so brightly and having a cheerful life before cancer dragged him away to spend his remaining time fighting for his life in the central hospital in the big city.
He let out a distressed sigh, watching the heat from his mouth turn into a thin fog as it condensed with the freezing night temperature. A faint grin cracked on his features. His sight drifted upwards—finding its way to meet the silver moon.
If there were things Jisung could choose to love in this hectic world, that’d be the night.
Jisung loves the night.
He would rather be a nocturnal if life ever allows him, blissfully unconscious when the world is spinning on its busiest time and sitting comfortably in the dark of the night, alone with the moon and his own thoughts.
The night who accepts him as it is, who gave him the most breathtakingly beautiful sonata; with the soothing sound of the distant frogs and crickets. He loves to gaze up to the sky, wondering what could be out there despite the thought makes him feel almost unbearably small upon the unknown garden of celestials.
He loves the peace he could find, so far away and free from anyone who could bother him, casting their eyes full of pity on him—or maybe not really him, but the tube he has looped around his head into his nose; giving him a generous amount of oxygen to keep him alive. The tube he sometimes felt like ripping off from his nose, simply because he was sick of it.
He was sick of the way it's keeping him alive, when his body and mind are clearly against the thought of living even longer. He was sick of the way his heart was still throbbing rapidly hitting his ribcage, desperately trying to keep the blood circulating around his body when he didn’t even mind if it stopped out of tiredness. He was sick of it.
Sick of being alive.
His grip on the coat tightened, as the icy wind slapping on his skin sent shivers running down his spine. His little fingers felt numb, and he knew that was the sign that he should get into the house before his body whining over the cold even more.
He sighed, moving his legs—that were hanging free from the window sills where he was sitting on—to the inside of the house. His hands reached out to close the window, glancing to the moon once more—appreciating her beauty for the last time that day—and letting out a mere whisper.
“Good night.”
***
Healing. That was the only word Jisung could think of right after he opened his eyes in the morning. He needs to—at least try—to heal. He didn’t have any idea of how he would do it, but he had a strong sense of purpose as he woke up from his bed and walked outside; he had to heal, whatever that word actually meant.
And maybe when he wandered—moving his feet aimlessly—on the hills down the town, he figured out the answer. The clomping sound of his step—along with the screeching sound of his oxygen tank’s wheels—against the downhill led him to a place that looked like a garden of flowers. His lips parted, made a shape of an “o” in awe over the graceful scenery in front of him.
The flowers were blooming so chaotically beautiful, their petals stretching outwards, facing any ways they wanted to. It was like a splattered of colorful stars within the green leaves. Jisung approached forward, a fond smile made an appearance on his face as the sweet flower fragrance hit his nose softly.
His skinny fingers peeking from his long-sleeve red sweater, skimmed through the leaves and petals, with a few drops of morning dew sending a delicate-comfy touch into his fingertips. It was indeed healing.
“You’re new here?” An unfamiliar voice stole his attention from the flowers. The voice was light, questioning but genuine, with a slight hint of comfort hidden under his tone.
Jisung turned his head, finding a figure of a man wearing a grey sweater looking at him with an endearing smile.
Jisung simply nodded, humming a little as an answer. The other walked closer, standing right on Jisung’s side before he crouched down and sat on the ground. His hand moved playfully, toying with the tall flower in between his fingers before plucking one off from the ground.
“Take this one, it’s white Daisy,” he said, as he offered the flower he just plucked to Jisung.
Jisung took the flower from his hand carefully, a grin bloomed on his features out of happiness. He was just about to say thank you, when the other looked at him in the eyes and said,
“It suits you.”
“Thank you,” Jisung answered, swallowing a question about how it suits him back into his throat. He caressed the daisy’s white petals, it felt so soft but also vulnerable on his fingers, causing a fear of accidentally ruining the beauty with his touch to pop on the back of his head.
“Who are you?” Jisung finally asked, when he felt the intense staring the other gave to him. He heard a chuckle, a wide smile cracked on the other’s face as he answered,
“I’m a forest fairy”
Jisung’s brows furrowed, trying not to be rude, but it was also almost impossible for him to believe what the other just stated. Forest fairy?
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” he laughed, laying his back on the ground, causing a few strands of tall grass scattered around him.
Jisung was still looking at him with questionable stares, watching patiently as he woke up back to his sitting position, with his left fingers wiping some laughing tears from his face.
“My name is Kim Seungmin,” he said.
“What about you?” he asked.
“Who are you?”
“Jisung” he answered.
“Han Jisung”
“You have a beautiful name,” Seungmin said, standing up and trying to brush off the dirt on the back of his sweater and his jeans. He walked to where he showed up earlier, making his way between the tall trees.
Jisung immediately follows. Dragging his oxygen tank, he moved his legs, trying to follow where Seungmin was heading to. He had nothing to do, so spending his last day in the town with a pretty stranger doesn’t seem like a bad idea for him.
Seungmin stopped in front of what looked like a painting set up; a canvas leaning on the wooden easels, a can of dark water with some used brushes, and a palette full of green-warm tone colors.
Jisung took a glance at the canvas, finding a beautiful painting of the garden of flowers they were talking at. It was not the most detailed painting, but Jisung found it beyond amazing to see how Seungmin used the colors so wisely, everything looked balanced—and beautiful. He glanced over at Seungmin, watching his hands skillfully wiping the brushes’ hairs with a dry towel.
How can an art piece make another art that’s equally beautiful?
***
Now there they were, laying on the ground with a pair of sleeping bags to keep them warm. They spent a fun time with the sun—painting the plants, making a bouquet of daisy flowers, hugging trees, and even having a weird-but funny-conversation with a squirrel and a forest bunny—now it was time to have fun with the moon.
Jisung laid on the sleeping bag, closing his eyelid softly as the breeze of the spring night rattling through his hair. He had both of his hands behind his head, acting as a pillow on the sleeping bag. He glanced to his right, finding Seungmin doing the exact same thing with him.
His eyes closed, with his long and thick eye-lashes rested prettily upon his double eyelid. Jisung couldn’t bite back a smile that bloomed on his face as he saw him. He was so pretty.
The eye-lashes he was admiring fluttered slightly, followed with his eyelid folded open, revealing his beautiful eyes. For a good minute Jisung might have lost in the way Seungmin’s eyes lit up while he stared to the sky. The starlights residing inside those eyes, making themselves shine effortlessly graceful.
And with a smile cracked on his face, made him think that maybe life wasn’t really that cruel, for a person like Jisung to found a human embodiment of the prettiest galaxy like Seungmin and get to witness his presence in his mournful life. Maybe life wasn’t as merciless as he thought.
“Look at that,” Seungmin said, his hand pointed to the sky.
“If you connect that one star with the one on its left, and two on its right, you’ll get an arrow shape,” he continued, eyes sparkling in excitement.
Jisung's eyes followed, wandering in the sky—trying to find which star Seungmin was talking about—and he found it. With a genuine smile that seemed reluctant to leave his face, he continued to search for other stars.
“I found a squirrel shape,” Seungmin said, a proud look crossing his features as if it was a competition for them to find and make their own constellation.
“I found a puppy one,” Jisung answered, not wanting to lose against the younger.
“Where?” Seungmin asked, his eyes squinted to find the puppy shaped constellation Jisung was talking about.
Jisung chuckled, he squirmed to bring himself closer to the other, pointing his hand to where the constellation was. Seungmin granted a proud laugh as he figured out the shape, sending Jisung to another episode of admiring his endearing laughter.
“What about the squirrel? Explain it,” Jisung asked, still wasn’t able to take away his eyes from Seungmin’s.
The eyes he was staring at, however, only blinked nervously, and Jisung almost forgot how to breathe when the cold air knocked out of his chest as Seungmin stared at him dead in the eye . Seungmin sat up immediately, staring back to Jisung’s flushing cheeks.
“What?” Jisung asked, his eyes locked to the sky—despite his mind wandering on the human form of sky right beside him.
“Why are you staring at me?” Seungmin asked back.
“I asked you a question, and I was waiting for your answer,” Jisung said, his words coming out slightly stuttered.
Jisung heard a sigh, followed by a thin fog of air slowly dissolving to the night breeze. He saw with the corner of his eyes how Seungmin laid back into his own sleeping bag.
There was a long pause, filled with the hooting sound of distant owls, frogs, and crickets. The night sonata Jisung loved so much . And there was nothing else that could make him happier than the fact that he could spend his night with Seungmin. He was happy that night, beyond happy.
“Jisung?” Seungmin asked, his voice soft and light—almost like touching the thin cloud.
“Yeah?”
“Aren’t you cold?”
Jisung hummed, he lost too deep inside his thoughts to realize that his breath was getting heavier and his lips were starting to tremble. He squirmed lazily, trying to keep himself warm inside the thick sleeping bag.
“I will tell you if I need to get back,” he answered. He didn’t want this night to end any soon. If only the world allowed him to stop the time from ticking and just set an infinite time for that night, he would definitely do it. But sadly, he couldn’t.
“Okay,” Seungmin said, and another silence creeped into the atmosphere.
“Seungmin?” Jisung’s shaky voice broke the silence, causing Seungmin’s eyes to drift into him immediately.
“Yeah?”
“Do you know the meaning behind your name?”
Seungmin tilted his head slightly, before he said, “Seung means rise, and Min is sky. So I guess it means the rise of the sky. What about yours?”
“The rise of the sky,” Jisung whispered, a smile curled on his pale face. He breathed,
“It suits you”
“Ji means love, Sung means star. It was the love of the star,” he continued.
“We can form a night sky if we reunite,” Seungmin said, his contagious giggles followed.
“You’re a nyctophile,” he added, granting a confused stare from the other, his brows furrowed.
“What’s a nyctophile?”
“Someone who loves the night. Someone like you.”
Jisung nodded his head slightly. His eyes casted to the faint twinkle of a star on the horizon, wondering what will happen to him tomorrow, when he will get back to go under the surgery.
For the first time in his life, he was scared. Knowing that life could grant him a beautiful and sweet day like what he just had, he started to think if he was meant to be happy. Maybe life didn't really hate him that much.
“I will get back to the city tomorrow,” he said, putting a good amount of pause to make sure Seungmin was with him and every word escaping his mouth could be heard.
“I will have a surgery. So, will you promise me something?” he continued, it was getting harder to keep himself from breaking down, fighting his strong gut to hug Seungmin with all his remaining strength. He inhaled some cold air, and continued,
“Let’s see each other again, here. Maybe around a year from now.”
It was tough. Jisung bit his bottom lips, as his will to wrap his hand around the younger was getting bigger. He wanted to hug him, find a brief glimpse of comfort in him, he wanted to cry and tell him how much he was scared about the death.
Can I hug you?
When his teary eyes met Seungmin’s pair—which was widened out of shock—he realized he had spoken his mind too loud. His face flushed in embarrassment, not noticing how Seungmin’s gaze immediately softened as he approached him.
“There, there,” Seungmin said, his warm palm patting softly, contrasting with Jisung’s cold back. He pulled him closer really gently, as if he was afraid the other could shatter with the blow of the wind. Jisung rested his chin on the crook of Seungmin’s left shoulder, a drop of tears running down his cheeks, sparked a little as the silver light of the moon hit.
“I will wait for you,” he said, his voice vibrated down to Jisung’s spine.
“You will be okay,” he added. Jisung found a glint of comfort in Seungmin's tone, he would cling to it for his whole life if he could.
And Jisung was hoping for the same thing.
He just wanted everything to be okay. Was that too much to ask?
***
Jisung's breath was getting heavy. His fingers tapped on the cold bedsheet anxiously, as the nurse pulled the bed outside his room, making their way to the elevator down to the operating room. His big eyes wandered. He wanted to remember every inch of things around him so badly, but it all went too fast. It was beyond overwhelming for him. So he gave up, closing his eyelids, trying to find the peace in the darkness he made. He exhaled some air; it felt a lot better now.
“We are going to transfer you to the bed, Han-ssi,” a soft voice was heard. Jisung nodded, and soon he felt their hands on his back, moving him to the bed under the enormous light.
“This is to measure your oxygen level,” another voice was heard, as he felt a cold metal clipping on his left thumb. Another whispering voice hitting his ear-drums like an old boring song. He couldn’t manage to catch all of them.
The last thing he was able to catch was when the tube he had around his head was removed, getting replaced with a transparent mask of oxygen.
He inhaled the cold air, his head felt empty as he was getting sleepy. His eyelids dropped, shutting off his eyes, and everything went black.
Once again, he found the peace in the darkness.
Jisung’s eyes blinked lightly for a few times, as he felt the sunlights touching his eyelids, making the black-pitch darkness turn into a reddish-burgundy color. He let out a deep sigh, the picture of the surgery he had almost a year ago started to disappear from his mind. He spent a year to maximize his healing process, and that morning, was the first day of him waking up as a cancer survivor.
He made it through, and now the only thing he wanted to do was to meet Seungmin as fast as he could, telling him how much he missed him and feeling the younger’s warm hug once again. He missed him, he missed the way the starlights residing inside his eyes brought him to the most shimmering-peaceful world. He missed the way the sky’s lips parted, revealing his white teeth with his contagious laugh ringing on Jisung’s ears. The sky who made him realize that night wasn’t the only thing he could choose to love on this earth.
Turns out, he could fall in love with the sky.
So the next thing he chose to do as soon as he woke up in the town was nothing else than taking a quick shower and wearing his red sweater; the same sweater he used on their first meet.
He walked outside, with the song of chirping birds and clucking chickens rang harmonically into his ears. The clomping sound of his feet against the downhill sounded light, with no screeching sound of the oxygen tank’s wheels on the ground.
Jisung walked excitedly, with tiny hops in between his steps. His eyes looked at the golden sun, shining brightly between the puffy clouds. That was the most beautiful morning he ever had, or at least that was what he thought.
A group of people walked past him, chattering in a low voice—just above a whisper—about a boy who lost his short-term memories because of a car crash. But unfortunately, Jisung was too beyond happy to even notice the meaning of words that have just gone through his eardrums, simply brush them off and keep walking excitedly. Not knowing what was awaiting him when he arrived at his destination.
The golden shines of the sun fell to the green leaves, creating a beautiful warm color palette between the daisy flowers. Some of the wilted flowers were stranded on the ground, the brown soil splattered on its white petals. Jisung’s eyes widened, stars of excitement made an appearance, melting down to a sweet grin carved on his features as he saw a familiar figure sitting on the ground.
His alluring fingers skimmed thoroughly between the green leaves, caressing the daisy’s white petals. He was wearing the same grey sweater, but something felt off from him. His back felt—empty and cold.
“Seungmin-ah!” Jisung shouted, moving his legs to walk closer and stood beside him.
The other turned his head, throwing a confused stare to Jisung, as if he just met a stranger and got surprised because he knew his name. The late realization hit Jisung’s mind immediately.
A group of people walked past him, chattering in a low voice—just above a whisper—about a boy who lost his short-term memories because of a car crash.
His eyes widened, locked into Seungmin as he drifted his sight up and down, only to find a quite wide stitches wound on Seungmin’s neck. There was still some red swell around it, but it was healed. Looked like the pad was removed not long ago, judging from a trace of adhesive tape on one side of the wound. So it was really him they were talking about. They made a promise to meet each other again, and when they do,
Seungmin didn’t even recognize him.
However, Jisung managed to pull out a sweet smile. He crouched down, sitting on the ground next to Seungmin, right on the place where Seungmin was sitting a year ago. His hand roamed over the tall grass, thinking about which grass was the one Seungmin touched with his gentle hand a year ago, which was the one he was sitting on, trying to find if there was any warmth of Seungmin’s presence a year ago between the cold morning dew.
“Who are you?” the younger asked, still staring at Jisung confusedly.
A painful smile curled on Jisung’s face, he wasn’t able to stare at Seungmin in the eye. He knew he wouldn’t last long if he ever saw the garden of stars inside his eyes, he would lose inside of them, and break down as the realization of how much he missed those eyes for almost a year hits. So he simply locked his eyes to the flowers, his hand toying over one of the daisies before he plucked them—the dirt splattered on his blue jeans—and offered it to Seungmin.
“I’m a nyctophile,” he answered.
Seungmin’s voice saying that name to him a year ago rings in his ears, making it even harder for him to hold himself from crying.
You’re a nyctophile.
“A person who loves the night? That’s you?” Seungmin’s tone raised as he slipped the flower behind his right ear. Looked like he was getting excited over that name.
“Yeah, I love the night,” Jisung answered, his lips trembling.
“And I love the sky too,” he added.
Especially this little sky beside me.
There was a long silence, only filled with the morning sonata—instead of night—and the sound of Jisung’s hand toying against the tall grass. None of them seemed to bother to break the silence, they were just sitting there. Enjoying their own train of thoughts to bring them anywhere it wanted.
So you really don’t remember anything about us.
Jisung was a really sensitive person. He hates to admit the fact that he was one of those kinds who could easily cry because watching a video of a dog getting neglected, or a video of social experiments, and any other heart-breaking videos. But yes, he was one of them.
And this time, it was getting too much for him. He has been waiting to meet Seungmin for a year. He was so excited for this day, he was hoping to see Seungmin’s smile, his little sky’s eyes full of stars, his contagious laugh, his everything. And he didn’t remember a thing about him, at all. That hurts, and Jisung didn’t know who to put the blame on.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin whispered, snapping Jisung back to the present.
“You know my name, so I guess we’ve already met before,” he added, his gaze softened immediately with a twinge of guilt, staring at the rich blue sky.
“But I forgot about you, that must be hurt,” he continued.
Jisung couldn’t help but shed a drop of tears, running down freely on his right cheek. But it was out of Seungmin’s sight range, so he managed to wipe it, and granted a genuine smile to Seungmin.
“No,” Jisung replied with his shaky voice.
“We haven’t met before,” he added, still maintaining a sweet smile despite his heavy heart throbbed painfully against his ribcage. Two crescent moons replacing his eyes, shining softly with forced wrinkles embroidering around.
“I just happened to know your name, let’s just say it like that,” he continued.
Jisung finally opened his eyes, meeting Seungmin’s dazzling pair. He could still see the starlights he saw last year inside those eyes. The thin fog of confusion and forgettings couldn’t take away the fact that Jisung, still finding himself lost inside them and wandered in the familiar shimmering world he has missed a lot.
Jisung asked Seungmin to take a walk around the forest with him; receiving a cute tiny nod from the younger.
***
Now there they were, laying on the ground with a pair of sleeping bags to keep them warm. They spent a fun time with the sun—painting the plants, making a bouquet of daisy flowers, hugging trees, and even having a weird-but funny-conversation with a squirrel and a forest bunny—now it was time to have fun with the moon.
Some things have changed, some things don’t. Seungmin was still his favorite sky, even if the sky he adores a lot couldn’t remember anything about the star. It was still painful to Jisung when he realized that he will be the only one who knows that this was their second encounter.
That their first encounter happened a year ago. That this was not the first time they talked with the squirrel and the forest bunny, and that the daisy bouquet Seungmin kept upon his chest was not the first flowers bouquet they made.
Another drop of tears escaped from Jisung’s doe eyes when Seungmin asked him the exact same question from a year ago as they were laying on the ground, feeling unbearably small upon the unknown galaxy out there.
“Do you know the meaning behind your name, Jisung?” Seungmin asked, his right hand still on the bouquet, holding it as gently as possible—in the most lovable way.
Jisung snorted, the sound of the distant owls and frogs echoed through the chilly night.
“Ji means love, and Sung means star. It was the love of the star,” he replied, swallowing back a sob that was desperately trying to escape from his burning throat.
“That’s beautiful,” Seungmin said. Nodding his head cutely without taking away his sight from the puppy constellation they found earlier.
“Yours are beautiful as well, the rise of the sky. That’s pretty,” Jisung replied, receiving a melodic hum from the other. Jisung has given up, letting his tears roll down his face freely with nothing holding them. Seungmin wouldn’t notice it anyway, it was too dark and too deep inside the forest.
As his eyes caught a falling movement of a star, a smile finally bloomed on his face. Seungmin saw it too, and now the little sky was jumping around excitedly, bragging about how he just saw a falling star for the first time in his entire life in such an endearing, lofty tone.
Jisung’s smile got wider, his knuckles caressing over Seungmin’s cheekbone. He loves it, the way Seungmin’s eyes lit up so brightly, the starlights were seen so clearly inside his black orb eyes despite the night's darkness trying to obscure them. Seungmin’s smile was the only resemblance of innocence and child’s purity Jisung ever encountered. He wouldn't be able to find another sky like him.
So Jisung cupped his sky’s precious face, pulling it close into a kiss. It was soft, with Jisung’s gentle touch on Seungmin’s jaw, as if he was afraid Seungmin could fall apart if he applied more pressure. Seungmin's lips between his own tasted like a sweet strawberry coated with honey; soft, gentle, and sweet.
It was short, Jisung seemed to realize midway of what he just did and immediately pulled away. Rosy pink blush tinting all over his puffy cheeks, as he removed his hand from Seungmin’s face and hid his face in his palm.
That’s embarrassing, Jisung. He cursed at himself in silence.
They felt an awkward silence creeping around them. Seungmin stood petrified for a good split second, still wasn’t able to process what just happened. Jisung dared himself to bring his chin up, his eyes meeting Seungmin’s eyes once again, he could feel the warmth has gathered all around his cheeks. He breathed,
“I love you.”
Seungmin’s eyes widened even more, as he watched Jisung slapping himself on the cheek. His face has flushed even redder than before.
“I’m sorry,” Jisung said. His voice slightly muffled with his palm.
“I- I don’t mean to say that- wait, no. It's not that I don't love you but- I- I just suddenly want to kiss you because damn you’re so pretty, Seungmin. Your eyes, your everything. Do you even realize how pretty you are when you smile- oh my god. I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry-” his rambling words got cut off, as Seungmin pressed his lips on the older.
Jisung gasped between their kisses, but soon his tense muscles got relaxed, his eyes fluttered closed. Seungmin finally pulled off after a few seconds, granting a fond smile to the little blushing star in front of him.
“I love you too,” he said, with the most endearing, sweet, beautiful voice Jisung has ever encountered.
And with that, Jisung’s heart could finally feel eased out. His sky might not remember anything about him, but that’s okay. He will be the one who remembers their past, leaving them behind as memories and starting on a new point. He knew, he will love his sky yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever.
Their first meeting was made out of his pain.
But this time, it isn’t.
With the star's eyes still casted to his sky, a drop of relieved and happy tears rolled down his cheeks as they pulled each other into another kiss.
I hope this encounter will be the best one, little sky.
For both of us.
Under the nyctophile star's favorite time, with the silver moon shining softly above them, the little star finally reunited with his favorite sky.
Forming a never ending night he loved the most.
Forever.