Work Text:
Seungmin glances at the watch on his wrist for the fifteenth time today and sighs heavily once he catches himself doing it again. It’s just a nervous habit of his that still remained as the only connection to the past peaceful life when time still meant something, a habit he can’t seem to ever get rid of. The watch stopped working months ago, but Seungmin just couldn’t throw it away – firstly, because it’s a habit, and secondly, because this watch is a gift from Hyunjin – the only gift he still has, the only tiny piece reminding him of the happy and safe life they had together before the world went to hell.
It’s still pretty early in the day and they have plenty hours before the sun sets, so maybe Seungmin shouldn’t be as worried as he feels, but the thing is: Hyunjin and Jisung were supposed to return from the supply run yesterday but they haven’t made it back yet. Of course, there are a lot of things that could go wrong and slow them down, and Seungmin knows it, he’s never been the one to panic so soon, but he just can’t help biting his lips almost aggressively and listening for the smallest sounds from afar, hoping that it’s Hyunjin’s bike—or anything, at this point.
“Half a day isn’t so bad,” Felix suddenly says behind his back, making Seungmin turn around to look at him with his eyebrows raised in question.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Seungmin asks quietly, to which Felix just shrugs, even though he really should be resting now.
He’s just recovered from a terrible flu that had them all confused and worried sick – it isn’t easy to deal with fever and cough in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, when all the medicine got expired and all the doctors were either eaten alive or turned into zombies ready to eat them alive. Frankly speaking, Seungmin wasn’t so convinced that Felix would make it, so they always made sure someone was near him, ready to do what’s necessary, what they all promised to do for each other. Now, looking at Felix’s weak smile that they haven’t seen in weeks, Seungmin feels a little guilty for thinking this way before.
Felix doesn’t reply to his question and Seungmin knows there’s just no need for it – they’re running low on everything, people included, so Felix tries to provide as much help as he can.
“They’ll be back soon,” he assures Seungmin and pats his shoulder before returning to the house – most likely, to help Jeongin with their laundry.
Seungmin really wants to believe that, but memories of the past come to his mind uninvited, making him want to throw up when he thinks about everything they’ve been through, everything they had to witness in the two years of this new life. This isn’t life, Seungmin quickly corrects himself, not anymore. They’re just existing, slowly moving from one day to another, not even knowing if they’ll get to see another sunrise, and time is against them now – always been, but they only learned to appreciate every moment given to them now, watching the world crumble and burn before their eyes.
“Seungmin?” Changbin calls him from the porch. “Can you help me move this couch to the barn? I don’t think we’re going to use it in the house anymore.”
“Yeah, sure,” Seungmin agrees right away, grateful for the opportunity to focus on something other than waiting.
They don’t talk as they work on getting the couch to its new place in the spacious barn, but Seungmin knows that Changbin’s heart aches as much as his own does. The couch was on the first floor and used to be taken by Chan ever since they found this house, but now that there’s only six of them left there’s no need for it anymore – it’s way safer in the house when you’re not afraid of tripping over things.
“That thing is so heavy,” Changbin grunts as he sits on the ground and takes a few big gulps of water, leaving the bottle on the couch afterwards.
“I’m not that helpful, sorry,” Seungmin mutters with a faint smile, staring at his worn-out sneakers as he speaks.
Seungmin is honestly surprised he lasted this long: he always thought he’d be the first one to die if the world was to end one day. Strangely enough, he’s still alive somehow, and if that isn’t a miracle, then Seungmin doesn’t know what is then. He’s been in so many dangerous situations where his life was quite literally hanging by a thread, where just being rational and logical wasn’t enough to get out of there alive, and yet he’s still here with a chance to witness another sunset, when some of them aren’t. This is so unfair, he thinks to himself as he leaves the barn and gets back to fixing their clean clothes – it’d be stupid to waste such a sunny day when they finally got a chance to do laundry and sew up the holes in their shirts and pants.
It’s very quiet today, been unusually quiet and peaceful for the past few days, and the only sound Seungmin can hear is Jeongin’s melodic laugh coming from the house. Jeongin only joined them around a month ago, but it feels as if they’ve been friends for ages: it doesn’t really matter now if you’re childhood friends or if you met fifteen minutes ago, at least not in this world. Jeongin is a good guy, quite skilled with both the knife and the shotgun, and Seungmin just wishes he had joined them earlier, because if he had, maybe…
Seungmin’s train of thought gets interrupted by the sudden loud roaring of Hyunjin’s bike coming from a distance. Seungmin instantly drops the pants he’s been working on and runs to the house to share the news with the rest of the group, then back to the yard, half-excited, half-scared. The first sight he sees, however, isn’t Hyunjin getting off the bike, but Jisung awkwardly parking it by the barn, with Hyunjin still hugging him from behind. That alone is already enough to make Seungmin even more worried instead of bringing relief, because Hyunjin never, never lets anyone touch his bike. There was one time when Changbin and Felix borrowed it for a short supply run and then barely made it back home, so Hyunjin had to spend days repairing it afterwards, and since that day no one was allowed to use it but him.
“It’s fine,” Jisung says before any of them even opens their mouth to ask questions. “The damn bike broke down, took a while to fix it.”
Hyunjin keeps quiet, but still smiles at Seungmin when their eyes meet. If there is anything else other than his watch that still connects Seungmin to the peaceful past life, it’s being next to Hyunjin – it was always enough to calm him down, make him feel at ease, at home. When Jisung notices that silent exchange, his face darkens even more and he drops his backpack on the ground before quickly going to the barn and slamming the door shut behind him.
Neither of them comments on that: they all understand Jisung needs time and space and that it’s already a miracle he chose to stay with them after what happened to Minho half a year ago. Jisung and Minho met on the road, unlike Seungmin and Hyunjin, and they didn’t get to spend much time together before Minho chose to sacrifice his life in order to save them all in a seemingly hopeless situation, where there was nowhere to run or hide and the only option was to distract the zombies by a living bait.
Seungmin never knew Minho well enough to be able to say what the two of them had, if they were together or just were really good friends, but after that night Jisung changed so much they could barely recognize him. Even Seungmin still shudders and wakes up in cold sweat whenever he remembers the events of that night, so it’s no wonder that Jisung doesn’t talk much now and always volunteers to go on supply runs just to be away – away from them and his own terrible, poisoning thoughts.
Seungmin still disapproves of the idea that it’s always Hyunjin and Jisung going on those runs, both a little careless and risky, especially considering that Jisung doesn’t see the point of staying alive anymore, but they don’t have any other choice and he knows he just needs to accept it. He wishes he could help Jisung somehow or at least join them, but he also knows the best he can do is to just let them be: if anything, he’s going to be more of a distraction and burden for both of them rather than help.
“I got this,” Hyunjin says to Felix and his voice brings Seungmin back to reality.
When Hyunjin gets off the bike and hands his backpack to Changbin, Seungmin freezes with his mouth open. He forgets what he wanted to say, eyes glued to a few small stains of blood on Hyunjin’s shirt, something Hyunjin hurriedly covers with his jacket. Seungmin gulps, refusing to believe what he sees: there’s already a million thoughts running in his mind and they don’t stop even when Hyunjin comes closer and pulls him in for a hug.
Seungmin buries his nose in Hyunjin’s shoulder, inhaling deeply to convince himself to accept the game and pretend to be fooled, to forget what he’s just seen. He clutches onto Hyunjin’s shoulders so desperately that his knuckles turn white, but wants to get even closer, although there’s already little to no space left between their bodies. Hyunjin smells of dirt, sweat and blood, his long black hair is all messy and tangled and there are a few fresh bruises on his face, and yet all Seungmin focuses on is how warm Hyunjin is and how familiar this warmth is. He nearly melts in the embrace, feeling sheltered from all the bad things in the world for as long as Hyunjin hugs him, but then he pulls away and the magic of this moment disappears just as quickly as the feeling of worry washes over Seungmin again.
“Here,” Hyunjin takes something out of his pocket and hands it to Seungmin.
Seungmin blinks in disbelief and just stares at the gift silently, so Hyunjin gently takes his left hand and puts a watch on his wrist, smiling at his reaction. Obviously, Seungmin hasn’t been in so many shops and houses to say that he’s seen it all, but in the past year he wasn’t able to find a working watch anywhere. He doesn’t know what to say, but Hyunjin seems to be able to read it all in his eyes, and Seungmin is grateful for not having to actually say anything but a barely audible “thank you”.
“I just hope it’ll help you not feel that we’ve run out of time anymore,” Hyunjin admits then and it takes Seungmin everything to not start sobbing miserably right in front of everyone.
He keeps it to himself, just like he keeps his discovery from earlier in secret as well, and they spend the rest of the day unpacking and fixing things that still need to be repaired, cleaned or fixed. Jisung stays in the barn all the time until dinner, only then coming into the house, and afterwards goes straight to the room he used to share with Minho when they first found and cleared this house. The rest of them don’t have that much to talk about tonight, so they don’t stay in the kitchen for long too. Felix and Hyunjin spend some time trying to decide who’ll get the first watch for the night, both coming up with the most ridiculous reasons, until Jeongin interrupts them and goes to sit by the door with his shotgun loaded and ready.
Seungmin exchanges a look full of uncertainty with Changbin, but they both know there’s no point in trying to argue with their youngest. Although the shotgun is very loud even with the suppressor, they don’t have much of a choice as they’re running low on rifle ammo, and besides, Jeongin promised to only use the gun in case of real emergency, sticking to his sharp knife in all other cases. In all honesty, Seungmin wishes he was that skilled with literally anything. Both Hyunjin and Minho tried to teach him how to use their weapons (Seungmin still wonders where Minho learned how to do this with the crossbow he always carried around), but he was so hopeless they only allowed him to use the knife and revolver.
Felix still tries to argue and prove his point, but Changbin just rolls his eyes at that and takes him to their small room upstairs, asking Seungmin to please wash the dishes after dinner. Hyunjin stays by his side as he does just that, and Seungmin almost chuckles at how stupid it all is when he mentions it reminds him of the old days. After all, isn’t it funny that even in the world that’s taken over by brainless zombies you still need to do the basic chores like washing dishes?
Back in the day, they used to have a very small but cozy apartment and every day they would take turns making dinner and doing the dishes afterwards. Now all Seungmin can do is pretend that everything is alright, that they’re still going on their “30 days without an accident” path, although his hands are trembling and he nearly drops every plate he places in the big bowl of water that they use instead of the sink.
Hyunjin is still wearing his jacket and now even Jeongin is eyeing him suspiciously, but he just smiles and ruffles his hair almost affectionately before going upstairs to get ready for bed. Seungmin gives him some time, fully realizing how ridiculous and dangerous this game is, and nearly jumps when Jeongin lightly nudges him with the gun to get his attention.
“I’m sorry,” Jeongin tells him quietly and this is when Seungmin finally lets a stray tear slip down his cheek.
Seungmin doesn’t want to accept it but trying to reject the reality makes no sense anymore.
“Do you think the others know?” he asks in a whisper, careful with his words.
Jeongin shakes his head.
“How did you know then?”
“Saw the bite,” Jeongin admits almost calmly. “I’m really sorry.”
Seungmin doesn’t reply, instead sighs and finally follows Hyunjin to the room they share, taking deep breaths to calm down and putting on the happy mask once again, for the last time. He doesn’t agree with Hyunjin’s choices, wishes Hyunjin told him, but knows it’s too late to change anything about his boyfriend, and, well, about this situation too. He knew it was inevitable, knew the uneasy feeling he had every time he let Jisung and Hyunjin go on another supply run together would one day lead to this, but there’s simply no way to get ready for this, to prepare yourself for letting go of the only person he’s ever loved.
“Hyunjin…” he whispers in the darkness when they get into bed, lucky to have a warm blanket this time.
Seungmin tries not to think that this blanket used to belong to Chan.
“Yeah?” Hyunjin replies a few moments later, almost successfully faking his sleepiness.
“I love you,” Seungmin is surprised he manages to still control his voice even though there are tears streaming down his cheeks.
He’s suddenly grateful that the nights are dark and Hyunjin can’t see this (little does he know, because Hyunjin is playing the same game right now). He gulps when Hyunjin gives him a tight hug followed by the sweetest and most desperate kiss they’ve ever exchanged. They don’t talk afterwards, both busy with their own thoughts, but Seungmin knows that Hyunjin must be thinking the same things. Hyunjin is shivering by his side, clearly affected by the processes happening in his body, but Seungmin doesn’t say anything, just snuggles closer to offer his warmth even though he knows it’s not going to help.
Back in the day, before they met the others, they promised to kill the other if anything like this happened, but Seungmin doesn’t blame Hyunjin for wanting to protect him from fulfilling this promise. It’s stupid, sure, but that’s Hyunjin’s way of showing his love and care, and Seungmin really doesn’t feel like arguing about it on their very last night together. He thinks back to all the happy moments they had together and then gets brought back to the cruel reality by a loud scream from the room next door: Felix must be having nightmares again.
Seungmin kind of wants to get up and go check up on him to make sure it’s just nightmares and not something more serious, but then hears Changbin’s voice and calms down a little. Jeongin comes upstairs to ask if everything is alright and then the house gets quiet again, the only sound being the barely noticeable ticking of his new watch. It feels like this watch is counting down the seconds that are left for both of them; Seungmin guesses the reason why Hyunjin decided to bring him this watch had nothing to do with him dying and yet he can’t help thinking that the first and last gifts he received from Hyunjin were both watches.
People used to say it was bad luck to gift watches as it would constantly remind the person about the time passing by and the time left before their death. Back then Seungmin used to laugh at that, being all logical and not believing in superstitions, but now he can see what exactly they meant – even if back then it was all different.
He means to stay up the whole night, only pretending to be asleep to make sure he doesn’t miss the time when Hyunjin carefully slips out of bed and leaves, but ends up actually falling asleep. Seungmin always hated the fact that he is such a light sleeper, waking up from literally any sound, but today he’s extremely grateful for this. He still keeps his eyes closed when Hyunjin presses a feather-like kiss on his forehead, but jumps from the bed as soon as the door closes behind him, quietly following Hyunjin downstairs.
Jeongin clearly notices him, but only looks at Hyunjin, also accepting his game, letting him go outside without any questions. He then turns to look at Seungmin, vaguely pointing at his shotgun as if asking “Do you want me to do this for you?”, but Seungmin shakes his head, showing his own revolver instead. His hands are trembling, but he’s made the decision and isn’t planning to back out now.
“Be careful, alright?” he tells Jeongin, although it should probably be the other way around, but Jeongin understands that and just nods.
It’s very dark outside and the faint glow from the moon isn’t helping at all, but Seungmin doesn’t want to use his flashlight right away and instead just follows Hyunjin’s steps quickly until he catches up with him. Hyunjin gets startled when he hears Seungmin’s voice behind his back and when Seungmin finally turns on his flashlight he sees shiny tears on his face. Hyunjin looks so unusually pale and his eyes are so red that it only hits Seungmin now – Hyunjin isn’t just dying, he is suffering, but he chose all that only to be able to see Seungmin one last time.
“Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye to me?” Seungmin asks in a shaky voice, unable to control his emotions anymore.
Hyunjin freezes when he hears it, finally understands that there’s no way Seungmin really believed him before.
“How did you-”
“I saw the blood on your sleeve. I know it could be anything, but you were acting very strange and then Jeongin also confirmed that he noticed the bite.”
Saying it out loud hurts so much but Seungmin wants to be honest tonight – both with Hyunjin and himself. Hyunjin looks at the riffle in his hands and there’s suddenly guilt written all over his face.
“I didn’t want you to see this,” he admits, avoiding eye-contact and staring at his boots instead. “Didn’t want to make you go through it, but I knew you wouldn’t let me go if… if you found out.”
Wanting to protect him from this emotional trauma is such a Hyunjin thing to do that Seungmin’s heart swells with all the love he has for him. And yet, he is still upset and that makes him say something he would’ve never said in any other situation.
“Jisung would trade everything for a chance to say goodbye to Minho. What makes you think I don’t want to do that too?”
“Because saying goodbye won’t change shit,” Hyunjin half-sobs in response. “We all said goodbye to Chan, but did leaving that place hurt any less when we all knew he was left there to die?”
Hyunjin’s got a point here: when they got trapped during one of the runs and Chan decided to sacrifice his life so that they could get out of there safely, they got time to say goodbye but it hurt even more. It makes sense to Seungmin now. When they had to leave Minho behind, they were all too shocked and pressed on time, so the feeling of sorrow didn’t linger for too long and was mixed with other different feelings too.
Hyunjin must’ve analyzed both situations and decided it would affect Seungmin less if he found out Hyunjin was gone when it would already be too late to change something. The only thing Hyunjin didn’t take into account is that it’d tear Seungmin’s heart apart anyway and he would much rather be by his side and share the very last moments with him than wake up to an empty bed without ever knowing what happened.
“Let’s go,” Seungmin tells him as he takes Hyunjin’s hand.
Hyunjin doesn’t question that, just follows him to the barn silently, and only raises his eyebrows in confusion when Seungmin closes the door and sits on the couch that they brought here earlier in the day. Seungmin pats the space next to him, asking Hyunjin to sit down as well. They spend a few minutes in silence until Hyunjin suddenly starts coughing and hurriedly covers his mouth to muffle the sound. There’s blood all over his palm but Hyunjin still chuckles weakly.
“This is the end, Minnie,” he whispers, shivering again. “I really didn’t want you to see this.”
Seungmin wants to argue, but knows he’d just fool himself once again if he did so. After all, how many days do they truly have left, any of them? And how many minutes in those days will be filled with life and not just constant and unchanging fear that seems to be in their veins by now? In the end of this story they will all either turn into zombies or have to kill each other to avoid this, but there’s no happy ending for any of them, and if two years ago Seungmin would call that giving up, he now believes it may be the best decision to just end things while they’re still free to choose.
Hyunjin’s breathing becomes heavier and he leans on Seungmin’s shoulder for support, making his heart clench from the pain this sight brings to him.
“Here, drink some,” Seungmin tells him when he suddenly finds the half-empty water bottle that Changbin left on the couch before, lifting it to his lips.
Hyunjin shakes his head, refusing to “waste something they may still need”, so Seungmin has to make him drink, almost like during that time when Hyunjin had food poisoning and was ready to spend the rest of his life in bed. Seungmin has no idea why he thinks of such stupid memories now of all times.
“Can you hold my hand, please?” Hyunjin almost begs as he starts coughing again.
Seungmin turns off the flashlight, dropping it onto the couch, and finds Hyunjin’s hand in the darkness, intertwining their fingers and giving it a gentle reassuring squeeze. He wants to say that it’s all okay, that they’re fine for as long as they’re together, but realizes how stupid it is, considering that Hyunjin is burning up, getting weaker and paler with each passing second. Instead of saying anything, he tries to provide as much comfort as he can, resting his other hand on Hyunjin’s thigh and rubbing it slowly to show that he’s here, that he’s with Hyunjin.
“You know,” Hyunjin mutters through his coughs. “I always wanted to protect you. Back in school, you were so small and so cute, I wanted to..”
He gets interrupted halfway through this phrase, but still continues to talk once this wave of cough dies down a little. Seungmin is crying quietly, but he ignores the tears, focusing on Hyunjin’s voice only, trying to imagine that they’re just talking before bed – in a way, it is something like that, right?
“And when you told me you also had feelings for me and we started dating… I’ve always wanted to be strong for you, wanted you to feel sheltered when you’re with me. But in reality I put you in danger so many times, even today, even right now--”
“Hyunjin,” Seungmin says softly. “What you did today wasn’t dangerous for me…”
Hyunjin doesn’t reply, just squeezes his hand a little, and Seungmin gasps when he realizes something. Hyunjin confirms it with a quiet hum that sounds more like a whimper and the puzzle solves itself in Seungmin’s head as if someone just flicked the switch and turned on the light.
It took them so long to come home because they were attacked and it wasn’t just one zombie, but a group of them. Hyunjin wasn’t bitten today, it happened yesterday or even earlier, which is why he couldn’t ride the bike and let Jisung do it, which is also why he was already pale by the time they returned. And the watch… He must’ve really spent extra time on finding the watch, wanting it to be the very last memory Seungmin would have of him.
Damn, this is such a Hyunjin thing to do, Seungmin thinks and his heart aches at that.
“Does Jisung know?” he asks, although he isn’t sure why he would need this information.
“Of course he does,” Hyunjin replies with a sigh. “It’s near my shoulder, so chopping off my hand wouldn’t do anything. Jisung’s leaving tomorrow, by the way.”
For some reason, this news isn’t even surprising to Seungmin – he knew it was bound to happen one day, knew Jisung wouldn’t want to be a team player after everything he’s seen and been through. There’s nothing unusual to it, that’s just one of the wounds that some people can never recover from, and in the world where the only distraction you may find is talking to other survivors, it’s understandable that the pain follows you everywhere, never truly going away.
Hyunjin’s hand suddenly turns a lot colder than it normally is, they both know it’s a warning sign, and yet Seungmin still finds it difficult to stop pretending that everything is alright. Talking about death is painful, yes, but actually accepting the fact that someone is dying is a hundred times more painful, piercing even.
Seungmin flinches a little when Hyunjin reaches to take his revolver and places it between them on the couch, making it clear that he wants Seungmin to shoot him before it’s too late. His hands start trembling again and this time it’s Hyunjin who has to reassure him, making Seungmin feel so childish and almost pathetic for still rejecting the cruel reality, for not being able to do the only thing that makes sense now.
“Seungminnie, please,” Hyunjin is sobbing now, clutching onto his hand so hard it starts to hurt. “I want to still be myself when I die, I want to-”
“Shh, Jinnie, shh,” Seungmin makes Hyunjin lean his head on his chest, gently rocking them back and forth to calm him down. “I promise I won’t let you turn into one of those monsters, I promise, you hear me?”
He’s seen plenty of movies where one of the characters had to kill the other, had to kill both zombies and humans when all hell broke loose, but thinking of actually having to take the gun and pull the trigger makes him start shaking from head to toes.
He takes a deep breath, still ignoring the revolver and rubbing Hyunjin’s back with his free hand, and thinks back to the decision he made when leaving the house to follow Hyunjin. Strangely enough, he doesn’t get his whole life flashing before his eyes or anything like this when he thinks about how little time they both have left. Instead, he realizes how lucky they got to still be together after everything that happened, to have the opportunity to share the last moments and still bask in each other’s love for the last time, unlike many others, unlike some of their friends.
Hyunjin closes his eyes and lets his head drop onto Seungmin’s shoulder again. Seungmin can barely hear the sound of his breathing now and, once the barn gets absolutely quiet, he nearly freaks out and starts shaking Hyunjin’s shoulder, half-sobbing and half-calling his name to wake him up. It works, but Hyunjin barely recognizes him anymore, whimpering something incoherent when Seungmin kisses his forehead.
“Stay with me, Hyunjin, stay with me, please,” Seungmin begs as his hands find the gun and he turns on the flashlight again. “Don’t fall asleep, alright? I got you, Jinnie, I got you.”
“Seungminnie…” Hyunjin chokes out weakly, looking at him with red eyes. “Promise you’ll find me in the next life. Somewhere warm and peaceful, where we won’t have to be afraid of breathing too loud. I’ll remember you, I know that.”
Truth to be told, Seungmin doesn’t believe in afterlife or the possibility of people having multiple lives, but he figures this isn’t the right time to point that out, because right now, for Hyunjin, he is ready to believe anything, and so he makes that promise, stuttering as he speaks, hands trembling violently when he asks Hyunjin to please look away or close his eyes and focus on the sound of his voice rather than anything else. Hyunjin obeys, too drained to argue that he wants to see Seungmin’s face as the last thing in his life, and Seungmin takes another deep breath as he starts talking about the most random things that come to mind.
He promises himself to do it on the count of ten, but his mind gets stuck at number four when Hyunjin asks to give him the very last kiss. It’s short, salty and full of unspoken words, and Seungmin finds himself sobbing way too loud for the world full of zombies waiting to attack when they pull away and Hyunjin links their pinky fingers together.
“I’d do it all over again if I knew you’d be by my side.”
It takes a lot of courage and even more time to calm down enough, but Seungmin knows they don’t have an eternity, that Hyunjin doesn’t have much time left and finally mans up enough to put an end to all the suffering and pain, all the struggles and hardships they had to face. Hyunjin is smiling weakly, already unaware of what’s happening in the barn, halfway to unconsciousness again.
Seungmin knows there’s no way to bring him back from there now, knows the time has come for the final decision and, with the thought of Hyunjin’s happy smile, he goes for it.
At the count of ten, Seungmin pulls the trigger twice.