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“This was not a good idea, Anna.”
I look up from my share of the rations, canned beans Lada spiced up with dried Siracusan oregano we found the other day, to see what could be bothering her now. She’s hunched over her own portion, but keeps shooting uneasy glances towards Sonya’s corner of the room. For her part, our recently appointed leader seems to be paying us no mind, trying to shift into a more confortable position before taking a nap. As if today were just a dull afternoon lecture. She tugs at my wrist, pulling my attention back to the conversation she tried to initiate. Sonya’s figure does tend to capture my focus.
“Our classmates that went scavenging with her told me about what happened,” she whispered, leaning closer with uncertainty tingeing her tone, “She’s strong, Anna, but she’s dangerous too. The other students they ran into were some kids from our grade, ones that knew us. They could have talked things out, maybe negotiated to split what was available.” Her entire body shudders before continuing. “She struck first Anna, when their guard was down. Sparking a fight like that could have gotten anyone put out of action from an injury. She claimed she recognized some of them picking on a girl in the past, and that one had been drawing a knife when the supplies were being counted, but nobody is sure how true that is.”
I slowly swallow my mouthful of Lada’s cooking. I was already told about this, by Sonya herself no less, not long after she’d come back. Our leader almost seemed to be trying to get a rise out of me, given how disappointed she was at my reaction. Maybe a few days ago I would have been indignant, and cried out over how this makes us no better than the ones robbing others like I had the night we found Sonya. But things are different now, every day I feel how peace is an unrealistic ideal on a scale so large. Right now we just need to focus on avoiding conflict from within. I look back at the classmate Sonya has taken to calling my partner. She’s a smart girl, I can allay this with just a sound bit of reasoning. She’s got her favourite keepsake in a crushing hold when I speak up. “I know that may be alarming, but you should know how bad these past few days have been. Ever since that fire and the actions of the Rostov noble group, people have been getting desperate.” We read a book years ago, claiming all of human nature was evil. At the time I couldn’t see the logic of it, given how civilized we had become since the primitive age, but she had scoffed affectionately. Ironic, given our current subject. “You saw how many of our classmates revealed a side we had never seen, on the first day alone. A girl like Sonya, someone much more used to aggression than the rest of us, may look wild right now, but she likely knows more about this type of situation than the upper crust we took classes with.”
She frowns. I can see her grip loosening over the fabric torso. “Well, I can’t exactly argue with that. But did she really have to kill all of them? They told me the boy who was often on duty in the library had been there. We always got along with him, Anna.”
“Could we afford to take that chance?” I answer, massaging the back of her hand. This had always calmed her nerves. “We never got to know him beyond that. Not to mention, can we say for certain that they would not have been a future obstacle? There is no telling just how long we will be stuck here, and that fire was a sizeable blow to any long term plans. Even refusing to share those spoils, while seemingly cold, was probably Sonya’s insight to our own needs. We need to prioritize ourselves, otherwise we might not live to see tomorrow.”
She relents at hearing this, and begins leaning into my shoulder. I can still feel a slight tremor, but I know it will pass. I’ve honestly never seen her this unnerved in all the years we’ve known each other, although given our present condition, nearly everything must come as a shock to her system. I know we can weather this together. She has a strong core, and never failed to have my back at my own darkest moments. This new normal won’t be lasting forever, and maybe by the end of all this it will be nothing more than the foundation for tighter bonds. Rubbing circles into her back, my gaze returns to Sonya, looking stoic even asleep. She always had wondered what kind of person my old neighbour could have been, given how I would keep tabs on her exploits to an embarrassing degree the second her name started circulating these halls. I know they’ll warm up to each other soon enough.
~x~x~x~
It feels dangerous, coming this far from the others while Sonya is out scouring for more resources, but she told me it was urgent. It is not like either of us is helpless in a physical confrontation, so it should not be too dangerous to go only a couple of rooms down the hall anyway. While mulling over these thoughts she turns to me, shutting the door behind her.
“This isn’t working Anna, your old friend is going out of control.” She paces the room, an agitated energy permeating her whole body. “You saw what happened when it was our turn to join her on an outing.”
This again? It has barely been two days since she first brought up these worries. I never expected her to be disarrayed by this for so long. I sigh. “We already talked about this, these circumstances require extreme actions at times for our own survival. We can not afford to keep tiptoeing around more brutal methods, someone else may strike while we ponder over those actions.”
Her head whips right at me, her long hair cascading with it. An accusatory finger points directly at me. “Don’t you start with those justifications now. You know how badly we were outmatched at the third year lockers, and they were even offering to let us go with an armful of canned fish, but she ran straight in anyway with her axe raised! You almost died Anna! I think I would have had a panic attack if the adrenaline wasn’t keeping me in the moment.”
“But I did not,” I answer, as calmly as I can. She’s just being erratic. “Sonya got to me in time, she dispatched the assailant in my blind spot without breaking form. If anything, today proved just how effectively she can protect us. I understand your fear, but cool your head and think this over.”
Her response comes faster than I expect, as if she was ready for my rebuttal. “Oh, but my head is cool. Very cooled down, Anna. I’ve seen enough by now to recognize how she barely thinks over her actions, instead electing to resolve any given moment with her fists. She’s drawing attention Anna, turning into a common threat far too many are aware of.” She swallows deeply before continuing, and I can hear the disgust as her next words reach my ears. “We should appeal to Natalya’s faction for sanctuary, bringing Sonya with us or maybe even cutting ties with her completely.”
I stand there, stunned. Who is this girl standing in front of me? This has to be some kind of joke, maybe the past few days have warped her sense of humour. Almost on autopilot, I stutter out my reply as this sinks in. “Sonya can take it. You saw how she handled herself today. No matter how many came at her, she took them down without pause. Just have some faith in her, please.”
“Think about it, Anna!” she practically explodes, as if my words only serve to agitate her further. “Sonya alone can’t protect all of us! The only choice is to join them.”
“Sonya hates the aristocrats, Vika.” I manage to get out, feeling cornered. Too much is happening all too fast. What is this? The world feels like its spinning.
Her voice booms out over me, falling like a crash. “So you’re going to risk all our lives?!”
I look down, at a complete loss for words. Why is she doing this? Things have never gotten like this between us. Almost in a whisper, I try to respond. “I…”
“I know you hate the idea. We all hate this idea, especially after what they’ve put us through in so short a period,” she sighs, finally calming down. “But given things as they are right now, we can’t survive a focused attack from the aristocrat faction on top of other groups aiming at us. I can lower my head in everyone’s place, hopefully keep us safe with access to a secure food source.”
She wraps me in a hug, trying to assure me while massaging my back, and I know it really is her. She always was rather bad at comforting me most days, with how stiff her movements are. We talk it over more before heading back, and she reluctantly agrees that it would not be a good idea in the end, we have too many lower class children mixed in, and who knows what they may pull when our back is turned.
~x~x~x~
It’s almost been a week since I handed over the position of leadership by now, and something is off with her. She’s been sneaking away from the group lately. I don’t want to think of what she could possibly be doing, but her dissatisfaction with Sonya has not exactly been silent. Either nobody else has noticed or they do not care, but if I don’t look into it now, it will likely spell trouble for us all later.
Sonya and most of the others have left to go scavenging for food, and like clockwork, she’s wandered off after inventing some story for Lada. She may be the youngest member of our group, but Lada is too trusting for her own good. If not for Sonya and everyone else’s sake, I should make sure she’s not up to something for my underclassman’s safety at least.
I mutter out my own excuse when Lada looks up at my approach. Telling her that I’ll be off to raid the nearby teacher’s lounge for another mystery novel. The history professor that taught in this room was always rather fond of reading them during break periods. When the door slides shut behind me I break into a brisk march, catching a glimpse of her long her hair turning a corner. Too close would give me away, then all of this would be for nothing, so no noisy running down these empty passages. She’s getting further away from the classroom we’ve been staying in. Just where the Hell could she be going?
~x~x~x~
Almost 15 minutes of navigating this run down maze we used to call our school, and she’s finally arrived at her destination. A rooftop tucked away in an obscure corner of Peterheim. I do not know who I expected to see waiting here. Some smug upper class brat perhaps, like that condescending braggart Pavel, who only knows how to live through the achievements of his parents. Maybe Natalya’s sycophant Tatyana, or even the Rostov heiress herself. But no, she’s here all by herself, staring off into space while kicking at some debris.
She’s so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn’t even notice me watching from the staircase. Come to think of it, I know this area. We used to spend our lunch breaks here, just her and I. Whiling away the minutes together reading or discussing whatever was making the rounds in Chernobog book circles. The bench we shared is long gone, probably broken up for firewood by another group. Almost 4 months ago we finished The Death of Ilyich, right by the door before the bell rang for afternoon classes. Heh, she really hated that book, calling it overhyped trite and ragging on the symbolism as excessive.
~x~x~x~
Hm? She’s started to lean onto one of the railings now. Just staring off into the courtyard with a glassy look in her eyes. The way her long hair frames her face looks almost picturesq- Was that a creak? That railing’s metal bars look much more worn down than I remember, now that I give it a better look. That was definitely another creak just now. Hold on, are those bars about to-
I shove the door open as time feels like it was slowing to a crawl, as if I were trapped in one of those Arts techniques I’ve read about in class. The barrier separating her and the long drop is giving way right before me. Her eyes refocusing as terror seeped onto her face, and her body was already halfway over the edge by the time I was picking up speed. Why am I so slow? Why could I have not taken better care of my physical limits, for moments like this? Calm down, calm down. She’s already over the edge completely, but maybe I can still do something if I make it there.
I can see a hand as I draw near, straining to hold on to the building’s ledge. My sigh of relief is loud enough for her to hear me, and the flinch betrays her panicked state. It’s all going to be ok, I made it in time. I can still save her. There’s a bundle fallen to the wayside as I step closer. I pick it up and stow it inside my coat, she’ll likely want it later. As I approach the edge I crouch and secure my position, then lean over the border between building and abyss to see what the situation fully is.
“Anna!” she shouts, a relieved smile giving way through her fear, “Phew! Thank heaven it’s you.” Her body wafted back and forth, the breeze blowing her long hair. So clean it clashed with the scene around us. That stark contrast made it seem like the entire episode was nothing but a dream. I said nothing while reaching forward and took hold of the hand clutching the ledge.
“Pull me up, Anna.” she called from down below, the wind carrying her voice that began to lose all hints of fear. I froze, silent. She trusts me. She trusts me completely. But can I say the same about myself towards her? This time was not a betrayal, but what about next time? Her challenges against Sonya’s position will not end after today, and she could possibly sell us all out to Natalya’s faction at any point in the future. Can I afford to keep fearfully looking over my shoulder?
“…Anna?” Her words began to take on an uncertain tone, nervousness leaking back into her expression as that immaculate long hair continued to be at odds with the entire situation. I felt her grip tighten against my own, her eyes tingeing with desperation as I hardened my heart for what I knew I would have to do. My other hand was on her fingers in a flash, and each was pried off until only a single one held on. There was practically no resistance. All the while her body continued to flutter with the wind, looking as ethereal as a figment from my imagination. But with a light touch, the dream slipped away. No words. No sound. Just a few small marks on my fingertips.
“…Anna, please, what are you doing?!” she choked out as gravity began to set in, her words coming in a rush all at once. Just like whenever she tried to talk while afraid in the past. The disbelief, the shock, the betrayal. A mixture of it all washed over her face, as she tried to take hold of another jutting corner, a windowsill, anything. The entire time, from the moment I let go to every second of her descent, I did not budge or run or cry out. I just watched her fall.
~x~x~x~
She hit the ground with a crunch. The ice splintered in parts, but overall held firm. It had to be this way. She would have ruined everything. We are all living through a crisis right now, the last thing our group needs is fracturing from the inside.
Her right leg is bent at an angle, a bone is spearing the sky from her knee. I can see the ice start to change colour around her. Unity. Right now we need strength and unity. Sonya can provide that. Sonya WILL provide that, but she was getting in the way. She just couldn’t see any of it. Too caught up in her fear.
Is she moving? She was closer to the fence when her body landed. That can’t be right, I must be seeing things. Her body is not one of high endurance, it never had much muscle mass.
Why couldn’t she have just listened? Sonya is a magnificent leader. The stories about her strength didn’t come from the pages of fiction, we saw it ourselves several times. She can take on entire gangs of older students by herself. She could probably overcome the whole group we currently have without any help! She’s going to keep us all safe, the rest of us can make it out of this alive with her.
She’s definitely moving. It’s slow, and she’s barely making any progress, but she has moved further away from the fence. This area has no supplies and the students holed up here are long dead, the silence of that desolation is weighing down on us both.
It’s almost scary, sometimes, just how good Sonya is at killing. The way she grips whatever weapon she has in hand while blood drips down. I know Lada is uncomfortable at times, but she should know there is nothing to really be afraid of. The fearsome General Zima is on our side. The others need to stop doubting their safety, even when she seems almost unrecognizable from the girl I was neighbour to all those years ago, she is the same girl that will keep us alive.
Is she… crying? I can hear a faint, wet rasp coming up from down there. It sounds like she’s struggling to breathe. A lung is likely punctured. Her movement was already weak, but the frost around her is turning a deeper crimson. She won’t live past the hour.
There was no way around this. She was too fixated on her fear, her own uncertainty and lack of trust in Sonya to have kept the group together. If I had not removed her now, our faction would only suffer later from the instability she was sowing. It’s better this way. Everyone else will make it out because of what I had to do.
She hasn’t moved for the past 10 minutes. In the end, she only made it several inches from the initial point of impact. I need to leave. I need to leave this rooftop while the sun is still high. Lada will be serving today’s rations soon. I need to leave. The bundle under my coat feels so heavy. I need to leave. The first time we shared snacks was right by this broken railing, wasn’t it? That oladyi she brought was so thick, I never did tell her just how much I enjoyed it. I need to leave. Were the doors always this heavy? I need to leave.
I jolt down the stairs, two at a time for the sake of urgency. The bundle is tightly secure in my inner coat pocket. What had to be done is done. Everyone will make it out of this nightmare, we just need to believe in Sonya until the organization that put us here is taken care of. Nothing more to overthink or complicate the issue, just unity in making it to tomorrow. Anything that threatens this unity has to be removed. There is no going back now.