Archive of Our Own

Looking around, you find yourself staring at an empty bedroom for what seemed like minutes, but in reality, were merely a few lonely seconds. Tommy, your beloved, waltzed into the room, having just returned from showering. A chuckle rose from his throat upon noticing the way you clutched the sheets, a delicious tenderness between your legs a subtle reminder of what had happened last night.

"Good morning," Tommy said quietly, rummaging through the draws of his desk in search of something. Your lips twitched, forming a greeting smile with the same meaning as you stretched on the sheets, ignoring the feeling of the sheets slipping off your body until the cold air in the room attacked your bareness.

Only then did you cover up again, the action earning a chuckle on Tommy's behalf.

He took some papers out, looking between them and you a few times before looking as if he came to a conclusion. Taking several steady steps, he sat on the bed, so close to you that you felt his warmth on your bare skin through the sheets.

You looked at Tommy through your eyelashes, batting them sensually and watching a smirk form on his lips. He leaned in, bracing himself with his arm on the bed, gently caressing your bare shoulder while his lips traced your jaw, leaving kisses on their wake. Fighting the urge to squirm under the proximity, you wrapped an arm around his neck, completely ignoring the fallen sheet that revealed you to him entirely.  

You loved this man. What was there to hid from him?

"I love you Tommy." You said quietly, a soft groan escaping your lips with the words. You meant them. Saying those three words felt like a second nature.

The man before you tilted his head, his blue eyes watching yours carefully; giving nothing away. Like a magnet, you leaned in and kissed him fervently, knowing he would return it immediately. Tommy's hand glided over your exposed chest, cupping your breast firmly so you shuddered all over in pleasure.

Before he could do any more needy damage, you braced your palm against his chest, halting his hungry lips with the movement. "Tommy…"

He attacked your lips when your warning turned into a pleasured moan, capturing them in a kiss and silencing you. Satisfied, but not content with his words you surprised yourself with your strength, pushing him on his back until you straddled him. "You never say it back..."

It looked like he had admitted defeat at that point, deeply exhaling when he saw your determination.

the silence turned your confidence into self-doubt, and you got off him, leaving in a spectacle of nakedness and sheet fighting. Taking a robe off an armchair, you shrugged it on and disappeared into the bathroom.

Why?

Why do you want to hear those words so badly? Are you a bad person for wanting to hear them? Are you bad for doubting?

Tommy knocked on the closed door, deeply sighing, letting you know he was running a hand through his hair. "You don't need me to say it to know."

You shook your head, feeling tears sting your eyes. "Well maybe I do."

Whatever kind of feeling overcame you didn't plan on stopping; you placed a palm against your mouth to silence yourself.

Only when you heard the doors of your bedroom bang loudly did you leave the comfort of the bathroom.

***

"Tea?"

You nodded gently, watching as Ada walked out of her living room and into the kitchen. The moment she was out of sight you looked at Karl, her only son, who was kneeling next to a chess board. His eyes met yours and you sighed, or more like hissed. Your pride was too crushed to notice anyway.

"Karl…"

He ignored your warning, "One more."

You rolled your eyes dramatically, "No can do, Karl. You've already crushed my pride."

"Karl leave her alone." Ada voiced upon entering the living room again, walking with a tray of steaming tea in her hands. She placed it on the coffee table, shooing her son out of the living room to go play with a few friends who waited outside for him.

"Psst! Karl!"

The boy turned his head in your direction, and while his mom wasn’t looking you slipped a few coins in his waiting hands. He dashed out smiling.

"Did you just—"

You waved your hand and brushed her off, making yourself comfortable before you said anything scandalous to her.  

Ada widened her eyes, looking as if she was going to burst with anticipation. "Out with it already!"

When her words filled the room, you couldn't help the words that tumbled out of your mouth, "Do you think Tommy loves me?"

Her face went from shocked to serious in the matter of seconds. "Honesty?"

You felt your heart sink but managed to nod your head despite it.

Ada clicked her tongue thoughtfully, "To be frank, I think my dumb brother loves you more than he loves himself."

"Then why doesn't he just say so?"

"Cause he's an idiot that's why!" She exclaimed, huffing in the process too. "He's a man! Thinks if he says those words, he'll lose you or some crap like that."

"But that’s ridiculous!"

"Tell me about it!"

You had sunk deeper into her couch, feeling as if you ran out of options at this point. "You know what…"

Ada's words were sudden, but the click of her tongue was not. She stood up, running her hands over her dress to fix any creases that emerged, though you were sure her dress didn't have any creases to begin with. "Hmm?"

"My brother fears only one bloody thing..."

The look on Ada's face was supposed to mean something.

It did not, making you scrunch your brows at her in confusion until she sighed torturously and sat back down. "Let me explain."

***

Sitting by the window, you enjoyed the classic beauty and fragrance of freshly picked roses. A maid had offered, several times now, to bring you a vase but you dismissed her every time, instead choosing to twist and twirl them between your fingers. You were careful with the thorns of course, but even your carefulness didn't prevent the few pricks that arose.

You were sucking on your wounded thumb when a maid barged into the room, not even announcing yourself. Confused, you were about to demand why she intruded when Tommy barged in after her.

She excused herself immediately, and you didn't judge her for it.

Because you would've done the same.

"Going somewhere?" Asked Tommy, looking between you and your suitcase that leant against the wall.

"Maybe," you mused, continuing to inspect the roses under the light.

His chuckle was followed by the clicking of glasses, "Whiskey?"

"No, thank you."

Tommy poured himself a generous amount, running a hand over his face in order to prepare himself. "Alright," he sat down, facing you. "What's going on?"

"We always had a nice garden," you mused, glancing out toward the greenery. "I'm sad I didn't spend more time in it."

"Well," Tommy sighed, "From what I can see—you did. Plucked some roses, got some fresh air. Lovely. Now tell me what's bothering you, eh?"

"You."

Upon catching his blue eyes, two tears slipped down from your eyes. You wiped them immediately, tying to gather words through a throat that felt like it was stuffed with cotton. "I can't do this anymore Tommy. It hurts me too much to be close to you, but continuously pushed away."

Realization dawned at him, "It's because I can't say it? Because I can't say those three fucking words?"

"They're more than just words Tommy!" You managed hoarsely, "They're what lets me know you feel the same way."

"So, sex means nothing to you?"

"I don't think sex and telling someone you love them are the same thing." You answered as seriously as he had asked you, "You wouldn't understand that. You never did and you never will."

His expression changed to disbelief, upon seeing you reach for your suitcase. "You're leaving?"

It didn't sound like he was hurt, more or less just shocked by the suddenness. But you couldn't be sure with him. And that thought alone brought more tears to your eyes.

"You can stop me," came your reply, so quietly he almost missed it. "The roses are for you, just be careful with the thorns. You never know when they'll cut you."

Tommy's eyes went ablaze, the ocean blue in them flashing dangerously. He downed his drink, walked to the open door and kicked it closed. "You're not going anywhere."

"That's your way of stopping me? How—"

Your mouth stopped when you found him standing in front of you, only an inch away from kissing your damp lips. Tommy stroked your face, then dropped his hand. "Long ago, I used to dream that I was back in the war. I'd wake up screaming, because of my helplessness. Those dreams come and go as they fucking please. But every time I dream now…Every time I close my fucking eyes—"

The air choked up in your throat, you couldn't speak, knowing what he would say. "—I see you."

Every passing silence seemed to bring out a bigger fight for you to brush shoulders with, "You want me to love you, eh? Very well…"

His hands found their way to your shoulders, keeping you in place, perhaps in fear of you running away with those suitcases. "I am at war with an enemy who is smart, powerful, and ruthless. You aren’t just my weakness, Y/N." He drew you closer, switching his strong arms until one caressed your jaw and the other one held your back. "You are my destruction, because if I were to lose you, it would finish me. The war I can handle, but losing you…"

Tommy kissed you, deeply and completely different than this morning. He wasn't kissing you for the feeling and need, but to share things he couldn't with words. His emotions swirled along with yours, your lips moving against his to let them intensify freely. The kiss reiterated that he was far from sorry about what he had done, explaining that he would do it all again if it meant keeping you safe.

Then you felt it; what Tommy wanted to say.

You pulled away, his forehead connecting to yours. His words fanned your face warmly, "Forgive me."

He thought you were his destruction.

And because of it you would not, could not, let him go.

Words didn't even begin to explain his love for you. They couldn't.

"You're forgiven."