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I’m awoken to a hand running through my hair. Jude. Gods, Jude, it feels so good. I try to say her name but it just comes out as a groan. “You like that, Cardan?” My eyes snap open. Not Jude. Nicasia. I swivel my head to where she sits on my bed and I see she’s wearing a robe.
Her hand is still running through my hair, and I realize that Jude is still gone, in the Mortal World. Plus, of all the ways Jude would have woken me up, tenderly would not be one of them. I sit up, pulling the blanket up to cover the affects my dreams of Jude have on me. I realize I’m staring when she smirks and starts to undo her robe. I look away before I can see anything else. “What are you doing in here, Nicasia?” I ask coldly. She freezes.
“I’ve come to satisfy you. I know you want me, need me.” She says and I’m immediately stricken that she thinks so highly of herself. I’ve denied many times before. Her mother must be losing her patience.
“You must have mistaken me. There are plenty of girls to get my blood pumping. You’re not special, Nicasia.” It’s not a lie, there are girls, but none of them could satisfy me like Jude could. God I wish she was Jude. Nicasia looks hurt.
“Cardan, how can you be so cruel?” She says and it hits me that Nicasia can be the cruelest of us all, yet she expects kindness and sympathy in return. The thought makes my blood boil.
“You want to talk about me being cruel when you’ve been no less? May I remind you that you chose Locke over me, that you slept with him even though you knew it would hurt me.
“And now you sit here, naked, dignity be damned, claiming that I’m the cruel one? Over and over again, you have hurt me and those that I lo-“ My breath catches, thinking of Jude.
“You have no right to be here, and I don’t desire you. There is but one I desire, and she is not here, but I will not allow you to convince me to stray from her.
Shit. Did I just give Jude away? “Who? That slut that was all over you tonight? The one sleeping with Locke right now? I am here and willing. Your desires are for a woman good enough for you.
“I’m not Jude, I can satisfy you like only a real woman can. Like only a Faerie can.” The string holding my resolve together snaps and my hand twitches, ready to smack her off the bed.
“Get out.” I growl. She sits there, waiting for me to say something else. “Get out before I call the guards to drag you out as you are.” She looks stricken, then angry. “This has to do with Jude, doesn’t it?” She spits. I’m taken aback, not knowing how to answer. The silence stretches too long and she scoffs. “Did you fall for a mortal?” I don’t meet her eyes.
“I should have killed that bitch when I got the chance.” My hand is grabbing her hair before I can even think, and suddenly I’m yanking her towards the door. “Ow, Cardan! Stop!” She yelps, but I’m too furious to acknowledge her. “I gave you a choice, and you didn’t listen, so now I’m making the choice for you.”
I reach the door and yank it open, throwing her out of my chambers. Well, mine and Jude’s. Her robe opens and she’s exposed. I look away, but not before I see embarrassment heat her cheeks. “Do not ever let her back in here!” I shout, loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Cardan-“ Nicasia starts, but I hold my hand up to stop her. “You are the ambassador of the Undersea, that is it. Do not ever let me catch you in ou-, my rooms again!” With that I slam the door.
I pace back and forth for a moment, contemplating just how bad I screwed up. I forgot to get Nicasia’s word that she won’t tell anyone about Jude, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Undersea will go looking for her, and if they find her, they’ll kill her.
I have to get Jude back so I can protect her. If they find her and she dies, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’d probably also order the execution of every creature in the Undersea, carrying out Orlagh’s execution myself.
I know it’s extreme, but there’s not a thing in either of our worlds that I wouldn’t do for Jude. My Jude. Why hasn’t she come back yet? Does she truly hate me? If I try to go get her, will she reject me?
I don’t really have a choice. I need to go to protect her, and if she’s still writhing with contempt, I’ll learn to live with it. It will kill me, but as long as Jude’s safe, I can accept it.
Day 98 of my exile, and things have yet to get better for me. Just last week I got a letter from Taryn saying how much of a shame it is that I’m not there to see her perfect little life. I ripped it up and set it on fire in the sink. Vivienne was pissed.
Nearly every day before and after that, I’ve laid in bed and tried not to picture Cardan with Nicasia, or some other faerie. I know he is, and I claim to hate him, but it doesn’t soothe the pain at all.
I still remember the look on his face when he exiled me. The stupid grin he wore as he laughed, mocking me. I remember the way he said those horrible words like he was ordering for more wine, not ruining my life. Like it didn’t matter. Like I didn’t matter.
The words the fae spoke to me as I made my way through the crowd still haunt me at night. “Finally he’s getting rid of that ridiculous mortal.” “It’s such a shame he didn’t leave her to the Undersea.” “She’s probably the reason that Princess Nicasia isn’t our Queen. Now that she’s gone we’ll have a good ruler.” “I bet that stupid little mortal did believe she was Queen. Can you imagine? Mortal dirt as our ruler.” “I wonder how long it will take King Cardan to begin courting Princess Nicasia?”
Those last words struck me so hard I stumbled. Tears pricked my eyes and I was immediately flooded with images of Cardan and Nicasia doing what we did, or worse, what we didn’t do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw myself off the nearest cliff and I wanted to push Cardan off instead.
I’ve never felt more ashamed than I did that night. God I hate him. I hate the way his voice swirls around my mind, the way I see his face every time I close my eyes. I hate the way he makes me still want him and I hate that he never wanted me in the first place.
How could I ever show my face there again? How could I desire to ever go there again? I tell myself that I never want anything to do with them, but deep down I know that I was always happier there. In his arms.
In hindsight, I should’ve seen this coming. How many of those that I love haven’t betrayed me at one point or another? Except for Vivienne and Oak, I have no one. How could I not see this for what it was?
A trick. A lie. And the fact that Faeries can’t lie made it hurt worse. He bested me. And he’s probably having a ball, gloating that he bested me. I was supposed to be smart, to be clever. Yet I was fooled by Cardan, my only true weakness.
I knew it was too good to be true. Mortals like me don’t get happy endings. We get bruises and scars, and we get betrayed. Nobody truly wants me. How could I be foolish enough to think that my wicked king would?
Yet I still lay in this bed, staring out the window, wishing I had a normal life. Wishing that I didn't have this pit in my stomach that only he could fill. Yet I still wait for the day he’ll come knocking on my door. Telling me that he loves me.
But that day hasn’t come, and it never will.