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Beth couldn’t help but laugh out loud when she saw the unexpected image. Benny fucking Watts at her doorstep on Valentine’s Day with a bouquet in hand, grinning awkwardly. It was hilarious enough to get her mind off the implications.
“Benny, what ghost has possessed you?” she gasped. In her trance, she didn’t even have to think about launching herself at him and throwing her arms around his neck. She could feel how some of the stiffness left his body and he started lightly giggling into her hair, too.
“I’ve been asking myself that for weeks,” he answered her question.
They had spoken for hours on the phone every evening since she had been back from Russia. It had only been their stubbornness that had kept them from immediately flying up or driving down after the first call when Beth had gotten home to Lexington. After that, they had been behaving like teenagers that were in love for the first time and couldn’t quite believe their luck. Even now, Beth hadn’t completely compartmentalised that Benny had actually been there for her.
“Flowers, Benny, this is going too far. On fucking Valentine’s Day. We are so far gone!” she incredulously said into his shoulder before moving her head to face him.
He was grinning just as wide as her and they both knew it was only a matter of seconds until their lips would collide. She stared into his eyes a moment longer before meeting him in the middle.
It felt good. Of course it did. Some of the original rush they had been in almost a year back in New York had left them and they enjoyed their kiss to the fullest potential. Benny pulled his arm out from in between them which she hadn’t given him a chance to and moved the flowers that had been crushed by their torsos to the curve of her back.
When they pulled away, she fixed his gaze again, startled by the purity of the whole situation. “Wow.”
“Well, Mr Watts, would you mind coming in and sharing lunch with me?” was what she said when she had collected herself.
“Why, yes, Ms Harmon, I would enjoy that very much indeed,” he answered ironically, taking his hat off and bowing to kiss her hand before following her.
She had already started eating and her half-finished plate of noodles with store-bought sauce was sitting on the table in the kitchen. There was still some left in the pot and she put it on a plate and grated some parmesan over it for him.
When they were seated, she asked: “You actually drove here. On Valentine’s Day to see me. With flowers. Wow. Benny, we are so done for.”
“I couldn’t leave you alone in your house on Valentine’s Day. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I still think this ‘holiday’-” He made air-quotes saying that. “-is capitalist bullshit, designed to commercialise love into a tradable good, but I just couldn’t resist the opportunity.”
“To see me.”
“Yes, the opportunity to see you, Beth.”
“Oh god, what would Ohio-Beth and Benny think about this?”
“They’d heartily laugh at us, I think. You would be scoffing at me for being this head over heels for you and I would hate myself for it.”
“Well, I’d probably be doing the same thing.” They smiled at each other and ate the rest of their meal in comfortable silence. They kissed again before Benny went to the bathroom. He hadn’t had an opportunity since last night when he’d started driving, after all.
Beth used the short time-frame when he wouldn’t hear her to call Jolene. She lowered her voice when talking to her sister.
“Did you tell him to do this?”
“What? No, what’d your cowboy do?”
“He drove from New York and brought me flowers, Jolene, flowers. Benny fucking Watts went out of his way to show up on my doorstep on Valentine’s Day and give me flowers. He’s lost his fucking mind.”
“I always said he was crazy for you. Calling in Moscow? That wasn’t a thing some short affair would do. You knew that just as well. And don’t tell me you’re not just as crazy for him, Ms I-call-him-every-evening-and-don’t-shut-up-about-everything-he-does. What’s he doing right now?”
“On the toilet. He’ll be back in a minute.”
“Well, good luck with him. Use protection, though. You’re not moving that fast, after all.”
Beth let out an exasperated: “Jolene!” That’s when Benny emerged from the hallway again and gave her a quizzical look. “Wait, he’s back now. Say hello to Rick from me, okay?”
“Alright, Cracker, let me meet him while he’s still here, okay.”
“Bye, Jolene.”
Beth put the receiver back and looked up at Benny.
“Jolene, huh, how is she?”
“Uhh, we didn’t really talk about that. But fine, I guess. She would’ve complained otherwise. I think she wants me to take you two to dinner together.”
“Meeting the family, am I?”
“If you don’t have any objections, we could do tomorrow? Drive up to Louisville and go to a fancy restaurant.”
“But I’m not paying. You still owe me for that phone call to Russia.”
She got up and wrapped her arms around him. “Of course not, Benny, and thank you again, you know, in person,” she said into his shoulder.
“Anytime, Beth.” He lowered his chin on her shoulder and let his thumb run along her lower back.
Then she lifted her head again and looked at him before putting her lips back on his. It only took a second for him to deepen the kiss and for her to deepen it again until they were furiously making out. Benny let his hand find the hem of her shirt and started climbing up her back with his fingers when she pulled away and said:
“Race to the bedroom in one – two-” And she was gone.
She had gotten halfway up the stairs before Benny caught up with her, grabbing her by the wrist.
“Not so fast, Ma’am”
Beth took his hand and led him to Alma’s old bedroom she had redecorated before the hole, as she liked to refer to the breakdown after Paris. Don’t think about that now, Beth, she thought.
When they had entered, it took maybe thirty seconds before they lay there in underwear on the bed, kissing every patch of skin they could gain access to. It felt good to be reunited like this after almost a year. They both revelled in the feeling of unity and being together.
-
By the time they were finished and had untangled their bodies and recollected their clothing, it was late afternoon. Beth was ascending the stairs, two cups of tea in hand, Benny kneeling down in front of the bookshelf in her childhood bedroom. She set the tea down on her old desk.
“Thank you. Hey, why do you have two copies of Modern Chess Openings?”
“Look inside the red one.”
He opened it and saw her name written in a childish scrawl. E. HARMON it said in big block letters.
“It’s the one I got from Mr Shaibel. My first ever chess book. Jolene stole it from me when I got adopted before her, but she brought it back when she helped me. But in the mean-time I’d gotten another copy, so…”
Benny looked at the book in awe. “This is where you learned notation?”
“Yup, and the Scicilian and the English and so on”
“Well, I’ll be damned! This is where the champion learns her tricks.”
“The champion learns her tricks from pirate-cowboys in New York basements.”
Beth enjoyed being able to just freely banter with Benny like this. There was nothing at stake any more. She was the best, so they didn’t have to train and they were together, so they didn’t have to stall. They could bask in each other’s company forever if they liked and there was no competition between them any more. Or rather, only a healthy amount. They weren’t out to get each other. Sure, they both wanted to win with everything they did, but they weren’t looking to have the upper hand with the other.
-
“Hello, cowboy, I’m Jolene. Beth has told me way too much about you,” Jolene greeted him. Beth had called her in the evening and informed her of their plans and she had agreed. And after spending a wildly uneventful day together in the house in Lexington, Benny and Beth had taken his car to Louisville. It had reminded them both eerily of driving to New York one fateful afternoon about a year ago.
“Hello, Jolene. I’ve probably heard as much about you.” They shook hands and Beth gave them an amused and fake-offended look.
“Well, you are the two most important people in my life.”
“He as important as me? Never!”
“Hey, don’t start yet. I know you’re both stubborn, but you also know you’re both the ones who made me win in Moscow.”
That’s when a waitress came up and asked them all for their drink choices. Beth ordered a coke and the other two complied in solidarity. They didn’t mention it, just did. Beth was even more grateful for that than she would’ve been in the first place.
The conversation flowed well between them, although they were always sizing each other up and competing for Beth. Jolene made it clear that she wouldn’t let him hurt Beth again and Benny made it clear that he wouldn’t. They told stories about Beth at Methuen and Beth in New York. They made jokes about how she liked his hair and how defeated she’d looked when she couldn’t find her book when being adopted. They also talked about how proud they were of her. Not just for winning, but also for being sober.
When Beth went to the toilet, Jolene had something to say to him:
“Okay, let me be real with you for a second, cowboy. Beth’s been through hell. I’m sure you know some of it. I don’t know what she’s told you and what she hasn’t, but promise me, as long as you two are together. Don’t push her away. When she pushes you away, give her space, but for god’s sake, don’t leave her hanging again. You don’t know what she looked like when I pulled her out of her hole last year. You don’t know what the house smelt like. You don’t know what it was like when Alma died, when her first mother died. When her first father left, when her second father left. I don’t know about those times, either. But when I say she’s been through hell, I mean it. And you know what no one has ever done except us two? Stay. So, yeah, she can be a bitch sometimes and she can be the most heavy human being on the planet when you have to help her up, but if you leave, I will never forgive you and you don’t wanna mess with me, alright?”
“Thank you, Jolene,” was his answer.
“What you thanking me for?”
“Everything. Who knows where she’d be without you. You’re right, I don’t know shit about what she’s been through. I was fucking stupid last year and I know I did everything wrong with her. And I’m grateful for the second chance, you know. I don’t really deserve it after all of that. But I’ll stay as long as she’ll have me, I can tell you that.”
“Good, I’ll hold you to your word.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything else of you.”
“Well, you shouldn’t.”
-
Back in the car, Beth got nostalgic. She was happy that her two best companions hadn’t ripped each other’s heads off. They were prone to do that, honestly.
“You know, one-and-a-half years ago I wouldn’t’ve thought I’d ever enter your car voluntarily, let alone take you to fucking meet Jolene. I avoided you like the plague. It was so childish.”
“What? You didn’t like my hair?” he joked in mock-defense.
“I only started liking your hair when I told you I liked your hair.”
“The first time or the second time?”
“The first time I really only liked your hair and maybe it meant a bit more than just that, but the second I of course still liked your hair, but you know, also liked your hair.” It was funny that it had become such an intuitive synonym with them. “And the sex was phenomenal, so that’s that.”
He laughed. “Who do you have to compare me to?”
“Promise me you don’t laugh when I tell you?”
“I’ll try my best.”
“Well, the first guy was Tim. He was from my Russian class and we were both high and almost completely dressed. We didn’t even kiss. Just got the necessary clothing off and he lasted about thirty seconds. I just closed my eyes and got it over with as you do. One time thing, not a fun experience. Now, the second person was, and I’m not joking, Harry.”
“What? Harry Beltik?”
“Yup”
“Huh. That would explain why he was that weird. He was kinda pulling territorial shit when we got together during the adjournment. Did you have like a full-on thing?”
“Not really, we were both lonely and fucked up, you know. He would leave after. Go to his bed. I didn’t really mind, but he was so fucking careful with me, no one gets off on being treated like a ming vase that could break if you touched it. So frustrating. But I didn’t care enough to try and make it better. Was nice having him there, but he left on his own, so I just let him. The only actual competition you’ve had was Cleo.”
Benny raised his eyebrow and shot her an amused glance.
“You know what she’s like, so I don’t have to tell you. I think it would’ve probably been better if I hadn’t been drunk out of my mind. I just remember her chuckling at me when I came way too hard and actually screamed. I wasn’t really in control of my body at that moment.”
-
The next days were just as wonderful as the first had been. Beth felt safe with Benny there to distract her when she got tempted to fuck it all and just have a drink. She liked him being there to talk to and share her thoughts about strategy and certain games and anything related to chess. She was scared that if she had taken a break from tournaments and stayed at the house alone again, the same thing would’ve happened as after Paris. But with Benny here, she could take a break from tournaments without taking a break from the human interaction she’d learnt she needed to survive.
One morning though, instead of kissing Benny’s cheek and racing him down to the kitchen, the loser having to make breakfast for them both, like she normally did, she just sat up and stayed quiet. After about thirty seconds, she started talking.
“It’s exactly two years ago now.”
“What?” Benny asked, still half-asleep.
“Mexico. Where Alma died while I was losing to Borgov.”
“Oh.” Benny sat up.
“Can we go to the cemetery?”
“Uh, sure. Don’t have any other plans.”
“Thank you.”
Benny got up and went downstairs to make breakfast after making sure she was okay. Beth eventually dragged herself out of bed, too, and went to shower. She made sure to put on Alma’s old dress and a dark lip.
After breakfast and after Benny had gotten ready, they started walking to the florist’s and got a beautiful wreath. Beth picked it out. They didn’t talk much on the walk, but Benny made sure she was okay still.
They went on to the cemetery and Benny held Beth’s hand when she looked at the grave after laying down the wreath.
“She had chronic Hepatitis. Would’ve made it if her liver hadn’t shut down and she’d gotten treatment. Her Mexican guy had left and she had drunk too much. She didn’t show up to my match. Just lay in bed and died eventually. It took me a bit to notice. I rushed in after the game and had told her about the whole match before I even looked at her and realised. Her eyes were wide open. Like she was in shock. Then I had to call Mr Wheatley. Technically, my adoptive father, but he had left in the first week of me being there. He was so apathetic. Just told me where to bury her and that I could have the house if I paid for it. And then I flew home and Harry called. And that was it.” A single tear started rolling down her cheek.
“Did you give yourself time to grieve?”
“What?”
“I mean, did you allow yourself to feel shitty for some time, make sure to do what you had to do, get used to the thought of being without her, still knowing her life was valuable, all of that?”
“No, I guess. Harry started immediately training me. Then was Ohio, New York with you, Paris, a month of doing anything to get her from my mind and fucking it up with you, then drinking, Moscow and now, well, you know what’s been happening in my life.”
“You should take time to let go of her. I know it sounds stupid and cheesy and old, but let go of your demons. No one can keep you from getting drunk eventually when you can’t be alone without going to a dark place where you can’t control your emotions or your life. When you haven’t made peace with it. All of it.”
She squeezed his hand tighter before hugging him. She hugged him the tightest she had ever hugged a human being and she cried on his shoulder, face scrunching up and fists gripping themselves. He wrapped his arms around her and smoothed her hair down with his flat hand, whispering indistinct reassurances into her ear. She couldn’t tell how long they’d stood there like that when she took his hand again and, without a word, started walking back to the house. She could feel the cold, but it didn’t really reach her. She was completely focussed on the sound of her heels on the pavement. Benny held her hand and unlocked the door for her when they were there.
She immediately went up the stairs and got changed out of the dress, instead getting back into her pyjamas. It wasn’t even noon, but she wasn’t going to get out of bed for the day. She asked Benny, who had followed her up to her room, to fetch her a pen and a notebook. She instantaneously started writing down her thoughts.
Everything she could remember about Alma, every little detail, every story, every wonderful aspect of her went into these unstructured pages. She cried a lot and only stopped when Benny handed her a plate for lunch and later when he handed her another plate for dinner. He didn’t say anything, just got the book he was reading and sat down next to her on the bed. At times, she would take his hand and squeeze, but mostly she just wrote and wrote without looking up or stopping. Once, he even heard her laugh, which made him smile.
They spent the rest of the day like that, just the sound of Beth’s pen and the faint sound of a car now and again. He turned on the light when it got to dark to read and write and she looked up at him then for a few seconds.
When she was done, she wordlessly put down the notebook and pencil, smoked a cigarette, stood up and brushed her teeth. When she got back, Benny also went to the bathroom and changed into his floral robe that he had brought with him. He turned off the light and lay down. She curled up beside him and he could hear her breathing next to his ear.
“Thank you, Benny,” she broke the silence. Then she yawned and before he could answer, she was fast asleep.
Rude, he thought and made himself almost giggle.
-
The next day, she was overly joyous. She couldn’t stop kissing him and looking at herself in the mirror and she had already sung and danced through a whole Peggy Lee album before breakfast was finished.
She called Jolene and told her what had happened the day before.
“Good for you, Cracker. Maybe that cowboy is a good influence, after all.”
“Don’t call him a cowboy,” she said, grinning. Benny smirked back at her from the other side of the breakfast table.
“Oh sorry, pirate.” That earned her a giggle. “No, but seriously, Beth. I’m proud of you. You’re getting over all that stuff. I mean, of course, you can never really get over it, but you’re dealing with it. Not with drugs, but with self-compassion. And if his skinny ass is helping I’m not gonna object. Plus, I know how happy he makes you. So, yeah, keep going, girl.”
“I will, Jolene. By the way, are you planning on actually marrying Rick now?”
Jolene laughed. “Oh, that’s how it goes, once you aren’t caught up in your own problems, you actually start caring about what other people are doing, huh?” At the annoyed Hey! Beth gave her she went on: “I’m just joking, it’s fine. I’m not that focussed on getting Rick to marry me right now. I’m preparing to go to law school in September, remember?”
“Aah, right. Was just wondering. Have a good day, Jolene, okay?”
“You’re saying that like it’s my choice. I’ll do my best, Cracker, you too. And maybe ask your man about a date. You could go out once in a while.”
“Hmm, sure. I’m in the mood for that,” she said, glancing at Benny.
-
“Benny,” Beth started when he returned from the supermarket later that day. She had been stalling since the phone call even though he had been standing right next to her then, she just needed a moment more to build up the emotional strength to ask him.
“Yes?”
“When I was talking to Jolene, she may have suggested something or other…”
“Oh yeah? What did she suggest?”
“We should go on a date.” Beth had closed the distance between the two and was now twisting a strand of blond hair between her fingers, taking comfort in how predictable the flow of the hair was in her fingers, that if she made the same motions with her fingers, the hair would also make the same motions.
Benny lifted his hand to her chin and turned her face for her eyes to meet his. They were staring at each other now and she would’ve dragged him to bed right then and there. The silence was getting a bit long for her liking, though. She was suddenly scared she had overstepped a line. That he wasn’t actually ready for that kind of commitment, but had just been there to comfort her and be a quick fuck in the process.
“Damn, Jolene’s always right, isn’t she?” A pause, where she gave him a look as if to say You didn’t answer my question. “Yes, we should, Beth, we really should.”
Their kiss was unhealthily sweet. The kind that you’re legally obligated to warn about on the packaging. They kissed and she would’ve done anything not to have to pull away at some point. She didn’t only feel their lips moving with each other, but she could also feel how her chest was longing to be against his. As if their hearts had some weird magical urge to be as close as possible.
She had never felt this before. This ache in her chest. It felt like she wanted to be so close to him that she would’ve been happy to step inside his body just so she could have him there with her all the time. Yet, she didn’t feel horny, not really.
She hoped this wasn’t what love was. Or rather she hoped that she wasn’t in love if Benny wasn’t. The feeling itself was good as long as she was soothing it by actually being physically close to him.
-
Luckily, it wasn’t too bad when she had pulled away. But the feeling was still there, closing her throat. Maybe she didn’t like love. That was the stupidest thing she felt anyone had ever thought in regards to all of it. No one didn’t like being in love, especially when the person in question was probably also in love with you, but she couldn’t escape the pang in her chest, at the same place where the longing was coming from, that told her to run. Or save herself somehow. Told her she should leave before she got too caught up in him because everybody left eventually. She didn’t want to believe that Benny would, not after all this, but the possibility never left her mind. She knew that she was conditioned to fear this by all the people who had left, but it just wouldn’t go away, no matter how much she tried to rationalise it.
Benny had seemingly noticed. “What are you thinking about?” he asked into the silence of the porch, the warm April air enveloping them in a light, pleasant breeze.
“I think I love you and I’m trying to decide if that’s a good thing,” she dead-panned. No use in attempting to hide it at this point. Make it quick and painless if he didn’t say it back.
But Benny just grinned. One of those infuriating, I-wanna-slap-that-out-of-your-face-please-sir grins that he had mastered. “I love you, too,” he said before returning to his book.
She stared at him incredulously. Then she got up from her chair and hugged him without trying to also get his limbs into a huggable position. When his book slapped him across the face and he involuntarily kicked her in the crotch, she gave him a moment to adjust to it and then embrace her properly.
“So, when are we going on that date, then?” she mumbled into the crook of his neck, nose being tickled by hair.
“Oh, I don’t know…Today. The Eatable. Reservations for two at seven-thirty.”
She just answered by kicking him in the shin. Not hard enough to actually hurt, but still firm. He just laughed a bit into her hair.
-
The date went well. Of course it did. There wasn’t really anything to fear. They were comfortable with each other. Hell, they loved each other and he had lived with her for two months. Nothing could happen, except when it did happen.
“Beth, I’m not trying to force you to make a choice or anything, I promise. But I will need to be going back to New York soon. I know, I know, but I haven’t opened my mail or answered my phone in literal two months. I’ll need to go back at some point and I feel like we have three options here. I come back with a moving truck and stay in Kentucky, you come with me to New York and we find and overground apartment or we try long-distance.”
Beth’s throat closed up. Just when things had been going so fucking well. But, of course, this had to come up at some point. She didn’t want him gone. She didn’t think she could handle it again, even if they talked on the phone every single day. She wanted him there with her. Soothe that longing in her chest. But she also didn’t want to give up the house here in Kentucky. It was Alma’s goddamn house. She couldn’t just leave that to move in with Benny. The only happy place of her childhood and adolescence. The place where she’d first been accepted. No.
“You would give up New York for me?” she asked, hopefully, looking down at her plate of half-eaten food, the napkin next to it folded in a very posh manner, the glass of coke in front of her, anywhere but up or at him, afraid of what she would see.
“Yeah, I could bring all my stuff when I come back.” He shrugged, the motion being followed by his hands that lay flat on the table. “We’ll need a bookshelf or two more, but we’ll manage, I think.”
Only then did she look up into his eyes. “You sure?”
“Yeah, you’ve seen that apartment. I wouldn’t say it’s anything worth reminiscing over. The shower is detestab-”
“Really?”
The slight nod of his head was all she needed to throw herself at him again. “I’ll come with you to say goodbye to the apartment.”
“You ever want to enter that basement again?”
Beth shrugged. “It’s the first place I had good sex, or good training.” She smiled mischievously.
-
The car ride was fun, as it always was with Benny. Beth felt sorry for him this time when he started getting tired and resolved to learn to drive at some point in the near future.
When they pulled up to the basement, the doorway was littered with unopened letters.
“Looks just like my house after Paris,” Beth commented before starting to pick them up and sort into categories based on the return addresses once inside.
It was weirdly nostalgic to be in here again. See him in what had always felt like his natural territory. There’d been a long time when she hadn’t even been able to imagine him living anywhere else, but now, well, everything was different. He loved her.
After getting take-out, they even tried to recreate the Do you still like my hair? Scene for old time’s sake, but they couldn’t because they kept cracking up.
“It was so close to being hilarious to me even then, you know that?” Beth was almost screaming from laughter. “The great Benny Watts, who in Ohio had so adamantly told me to forget about sex, standing in front of me, a bit tipsy and defeated at the only thing he thought he was better at than me, now asking me to fuck him with that line?! It would’ve been so funny if we hadn’t been taking ourselves so seriously!”
The sex that followed did remind her of that speed-chess ridden night with Cleo, Wexler and Levertov. Although she of course wasn’t thinking about them while he was eating her out.
They found themselves in the same position as a year prior lying next to each other.
“You should play the Scicilian,” Benny said.
“Oh god, you’re lucky you don’t do that any more,” she teases.
“I was just nervous, you know.”
“What?”
“Fuck, I’ve just had sex with the most amazing, smart girl I will ever meet in my life and she is better at everything than I am and she probably still thinks I’m the biggest prick on the whole entire planet and doesn’t want to be with me and I’ve fucked everything up with this. And what do we do when we’re nervous, Beth? Talk about chess, you do that, too. Not that that’s an excuse or anything, but, you know, maybe I wasn’t as much of an asshole as you thought.”
“I hated you so much before that.”
“And after?” Benny mocked.
“More.”
“And then you started to fall in love me. Isn’t that how the story goes?”
“No, actually, the story that then I lost in Paris and fucked my whole life up, but then was alone in a hotel room in Moscow and realised that I had liked you all along and had the second happiest moment of my life when you called to help.”
“And the most happy moment of your life was actually winning.”
“Of course it was.”
“Of course.”
It sounded more like I love you than the actual I love you’s they had shared. It sounded like they got each other. It sounded like they were the same person in two different bodies. It sounded like love.
-
They drive back together to their new future. They live together in Kentucky and it’s special. They have to buy more bookshelves, though. They start going to tournaments again and meet Harry, Townes, Matt and Mike, Weiss, Friedman, everyone. The press notices them holding hands in Las Vegas and they don’t try to hide it. They go to Jolene’s wedding together and it’s fun. They talk about getting married themselves. They do it. It’s very unromantic, but it’s what they want.
One evening, Beth is sitting on the porch with Jolene.
“You know what’s funny?”
“What?”
“When I told Cleo that I wasn’t in love with him that time in Paris before I fucked her- What? Everyone’s fucked Cleo, Benny too. Anyway, I told her I wasn’t in love with him because it was true at the time and you know what she said? Of course not, no woman can match Benny’s love for himself. And look at us now! We’re fucking married. That’s so crazy. I didn’t think I’d live ‘till now and here I am married to Benny Watts!”
“What? You smug you got him to settle down? I think you’re technically the same person, so like, technically, he could still just be in love with himself, you know, in a pretty body.”
“Ok, sure, but at least it’s my pretty body.”
Yup, it’s her pretty body with her in it. Married to the one man who couldn’t be more like herself. The same man that had told her she shouldn’t have castled. To set it up and think it out. Benny fucking Watts.