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Soobin sees himself in a familiar place.
A familiar place that he knows too well. A familiar place that he wishes to forget, but can’t seem to do so.
He’s standing on Yeonjun’s door, waiting for the latter to open up.
Soobin doesn’t know what to expect. Doesn’t even know if it’s a good thing for him to be here. But there are some questions lingering through his mind that’s asking for answers—answers only Yeonjun can answer.
But before he can think of leaving and not getting the answers he wanted, Yeonjun opens the door.
“Yeonjun…” Soobin says. “Can I come in?”
Soobin can see Yeonjun’s hesitation at first, but the latter only nodded in response.
Soobin sits on a couch in Yeonjun’s house while the older is standing far away from him. There are no words said at that time. No one is talking. The atmosphere is quiet that only the sound of a fan coming across the room is heard.
Soobin had a lot of thoughts but didn’t seem to know where to begin. It isn’t easy for him and he knows it isn’t easy for Yeonjun, too. But either way, Soobin knows communication will always be the key to everything.
“Why…” Soobin speaks. “Why did you do that?”
One week of being together and just enjoying themselves is the best thing Soobin had ever experienced. Debuting as an idol made him happy, yes. But there’s more happiness that is running through his veins just by being with Yeonjun. Just by being himself, enjoying all the little things and their dates.
“Because I want to.”
“You know that reason is bullshit, right?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“Because it’s hurting me.”
The statement made both of them surprised. Soobin can see how Yeonjun froze.
“If I did something wrong…” Soobin speaks once again. “...please tell me. I’ll fix it. I’ll do everything for us to be happy again, Sol.”
Sol . Sunshine. That word has always been a special thing— their special thing. But hearing it now hurts so badly. Soobin just wants to go back from the happiest days of their lives.
“Yeonjun, I–”
“If you’re going to apologize, please don’t.”
“I had to,” Soobin tells him. “We’re friends and I ruined everything.”
Something about that statement gave Soobin a pang in his chest.
He knows he didn’t mean it.
Soobin sees the tears flowing through Yeonjun’s tears. Even if he wants to wipe those tears off, he shrugs off that idea and asks, “Yeonjun, why are you crying?”
The younger stands up from the couch that he’s seated on and comes closer to Yeonjun, trying to wipe off the older’s tears but Yeonjun only stopped him.
“Soobin… why does it hurt so much? Why does my heart hurt so much?”
“Sol…”
“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry for doing that.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay...”
Soobin’s eyes started to glimmer with watery tears. He didn’t know what Yeonjun was feeling. He didn’t know why Yeonjun was crying. Soobin feels frustrated deep inside, not knowing what to do in this kind of situation.
“I just…” Yeonjun utters, voice low. “I can’t take this anymore.”
“Tell me what’s happening, Sol. Please?”
“I’m scared.”
“Why are you scared?”
“I’m scared because I might lose you.”
Soobin’s chest hurts.
“Yeonjun…”
“Can we talk about our set-up?”
Soobin nods.
Yeonjun looks at him in the eye. “Soobin… I think we should put an end to this.”
“What?”
“I know we’re not dating for real but… let’s break up. I can’t do this kind of thing anymore.”
Soobin feels his heart ache. He thinks he shouldn’t be affected by it since he knows it’s going to happen sooner or later . But why?
“Is this why you were ignoring me?”
Yeonjun nods.
“You made me worried. If that’s the reason you could’ve just said it to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I just—don’t ask me why.”
“Tell me. Please.”
“Because I might cry and never let go at all.”
The concept of letting go. Sounds relieving but painful at the same time. Letting go means allowing Yeonjun to forgive him, allowing Yeonjun to find someone that’s not him and falling in love once again.
“You know it’s bound to happen, right?” Soobin tells him.
“I know but… this is still hard for me, okay?”
“We’re still friends.”
“And I don’t want that,” Yeonjun answers back.
Soobin is startled. He looks at Yeonjun who is now avoiding having eye contact with him.
“Yeonjun… why?” Why do you not want to be friends?
The other person didn’t answer.
“What do you mean by that?” Soobin asks again.
“Soobin, I…”
“Yeonjun, do you love me?”
Silence .
Silence came after Soobin asked that question. Soobin kind of regrets asking after receiving a silent treatment, but he needs to know.
He wants to hear from Yeonjun’s mouth the feelings that were never left spoken before. He wants to know the truth, only the truth.
Maybe the truth will set them free.
Five minutes had passed and none of them were still talking. The atmosphere was getting heavier than usual. It was getting more awkward and sad. Soobin wants this feeling to end.
“Forget about it–” Soobin pauses when Yeonjun looks at him. There was sadness coming from the latter’s eyes.
“I do.” Yeonjun finally admits, sighing in defeat. “I’m in love with you.”
Soobin is shocked after hearing Yeonjun’s answer. He didn’t expect it at all—even the happiness that is filling him deep inside. He tries to ignore that feeling.
“Why—why do you love me?”
Yeonjun takes a deep breath before he starts.
“You make me happy. The days with you are something that I don’t want to forget. My boring life changed when you came. You’re someone I wanted to be with forever. You became my sunshine. Without you, I think I’d never know the concept of love. I know you said no feelings from the beginning but I can’t help it. You are easy to love. Everything about you made me fall in love with you. I didn’t even care about you being an idol. I only care about the real you. The Choi Soobin outside the cameras. The Soobin that I love so much. I tried to not get attached too much. I really did. But the more that I try to avoid it, the more that I just see myself wanting you more. Am I selfish if I say I want you all by myself? If I tell you I want you to stay by my side, will you do it?”
Soobin didn’t answer.
“I never loved someone like this. I only felt this when I’m with you. And it’s killing me.”
Soobin is crying so hard. So is Yeonjun. It’s such a painful view. Two broken hearts, two broken people.
“I’m sorry,” Soobin says.
“It’s not your fault. It was all on me. I did this to myself.”
No, don’t blame yourself. Soobin wants to tell him.
“If I knew I…” I would’ve done everything to not make you feel all this pain.
Yeonjun shakes his head. “Don’t. It’s okay. But… can I ask you something?”
Soobin nods.
“Did you ever think about making this real? Making everything real about us?”
There’s no answer.
“Can I ask you for a favor then? This will be the last. I promise.”
Soobin wants to argue with him. He didn’t want this to be the last. He didn’t want Yeonjun to end all of it. But why does it seem so hard to tell him all of this? Why can’t he be just selfish for once? Wanting Yeonjun by himself, too. Like how Yeonjun wants him as his real boyfriend.
He lets Yeonjun continue instead.
“Tell me that you love me, even if it’s not true.”
Soobin looks at Yeonjun.
“I love you, Sol.” Soobin starts, tears starting to form in his eyes again. “I love you like how Kai loves Taehyun. I love you like how Yewon noona loves Binnie noona. I love you more than raccoons and ice creams. I love you like all stars and the moon love nights. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I love you, Yeonjun.” I really do.
Yeonjun shows him a genuine smile. A smile that Soobin wants to see everyday.
Soobin suddenly thinks if he’s making the right decision.
“One last thing.”
Yeonjun pulls the younger and kisses him without any hesitation. It’s a bittersweet kiss. Both tears can already be tasted in between but none of it matters.
It’s already the end.
But is it really?
When they stopped, they both hugged each other in a way that looked like none of them was letting go. They continued crying. Yeonjun kept on apologizing, telling Soobin that his feelings will be gone soon.
Soobin listens to him all the way and wonders.
Does he really want to let go of this person, after all?
Soobin thinks about the possibilities that can happen after ending this. Ending what they have. He thinks about Yeonjun being with another person. He thinks about himself lying in the bed next to someone that’s not Yeonjun. He thinks about eating ice cream alone in the park, wishing Yeonjun is there—arguing about mint chocolate being the best flavor of all ice cream flavors.
Soobin thinks if he can live with the fact that one day, he’ll wake up and realize what they could’ve been and regret all that’s happened after.
No.
Soobin doesn’t want all of that.
The clock is already ticking too fast. Soobin has to make a decision.
Now or never instead of sooner or later.
“Let’s break up for real now—”
“No,” Soobin tells him.
Yeonjun feels his heart rise.
“What?” A shaky voice—a soft, halting voice from Yeonjun’s mouth is heard.
“I’m sorry,” Soobin is now the one who apologizes. “I’m sorry for being confusing. I’m so sorry for the words that I’ve said a while ago. I’m sorry for being so silent. I… I didn’t know what to say.”
“Soobin-ah…”
“At first, there was this feeling of denial. I’m too scared to admit everything. To think that this person could’ve had someone better than me. I sometimes ask myself, why would I let someone be with me if I knew there is someone there who will be more worthy of their love?”
“But Yeonjun, despite all of that, the words that came through your mouth is something that I’d rather think about than all of the doubts dragging me down. It’s a sudden realization. I don’t think I can handle the thought of you being away from me. Never at all.”
“Soobin, if you’re doing this because you pity me–”
“I don’t pity you,” Soobin assures him. “I mean it. All of the I love yous. I do. If I were given a chance to prove you all of it, I will. Actions are always better than words. I’ll always prove to you I love you with all my heart and even with all the 206 bones that I have.”
The tension goes away and relief comes faster than gamma rays.
Feeling relieved. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?
But Soobin still hasn’t had an answer to his statement. And it’s okay.
It’s okay, as long as he finally admits his feelings. It’s okay, if Yeonjun wants to take a rest after the sudden confession and gives him an answer after a week or so. It’s okay, if Yeonjun rejects him even if he loves him too. It’s okay, because it’s Yeonjun.
With Yeonjun, everything’s okay.
“Do you really mean it?” Yeonjun asks him.
Soobin smiles.
“I do.”
“Like, really mean it?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure you’re not kidding me? Is this a sort of prank because you’re feeling guilty—”
“Like I said, I’ll prove it to you.”
“Okay,” Yeonjun says. “Prove it then.”
Soobin feels his heart jump.
“I will.” He gives Yeonjun the most beautiful and sincere grin.
“I hope you don’t waste the chance I’m giving you,” Yeonjun reminds him.
“I’d never let my sun revolve in someone else, anyway.”
“Soobinie, wake up. Please.”
Soobin suddenly comes back to a place that is not Yeonjun’s house. It’s a more familiar place.
He’s in his bedroom.
“Oh, thank God,” Arin says, eyes still puffy from crying. “I thought I’m going to lose you.”
“What happened?” Soobin asks her.
“I was trying to wake you up but you couldn’t,” Arin sniffs.
Oh.
It was all just a dream.
A painful, sad dream.
Soobin wants to stay in that dream. Wants to be in the universe where he confessed to Yeonjun and make their ending a happily ever after just like all the fairytales that existed.
But this is reality.
A reality that does not consist of a world full of sunshine and rainbows. Reality shows how everything is full of imperfections.
“Don’t worry,” Soobin assures his sister, holding the latter’s hands, and says, “I won’t leave you. Or anyone.”
Soobin needs to accept living like this.
And it’s truly unfortunate, isn’t it?