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Ghosts were no stranger to Calliope. They were sempiternel denizens of her realm, like a childhood homestead: familiar and melechanlolic, memories just out of reach with no real substance but a slight pull on the heart. They never scared her.
But some of them were a constant haunting in her mind, and those, she never wished to exorcize..
The sun was high in the sky, casting a blinding light reflecting in the coat of snow upon the grass and trees of the park. Calli loved the snow. The underworld was such a dark, somber place, the hotness of it smothering and asphyxiating. She would often long for the snow, for that speck of icy white to break the monotonous shadows of the depths. She loved the pricking sensation of the cold on her skin, reminding her that life was a spectrum of warmth, ever changing and never still. Contrast. That was the high of living things, Calli always thought.
Therefore, as the freezing breeze sneaked into her clothes, a slithering snake making the hair rise on her skin, rattling her bones, burning cold, the radiating warmth of Kiara, clutching her arm, was a blissful peace.
There were sauntering in a park, enjoying the morning chill and the crackling energy of the bustling crowds of people walking around, the children playing in the snow, the dogs being walked by their owner, jumping carelessly on the crunching snow beneath their paw. Kiara was hanging on her right arm, rambling about the birds, and the snow she’d seen atop a distant mountain, and the waterfall of a jungle she got lost in, and Calli was less listening to her words, and more to her voice. She knew Kiara didn’t mind. She knew Kiara was aware that Calli could easily get lost in her own head, but enjoyed her mere presence, her mere existence by her side. She knew Kiara knew her too well, though she’ll never admit it out loud.
With her left hand buried in the pocket of her coat, she was fidgeting with a wrapped box.
Eventually, they stopped at a bench, overhanging the park, resting their tired legs and the fresh air grasping at Calli’s lungs was a delight. So far from the smoke and fire, down there.
“Calli! I have something for you.”
Kiara’s voice broke through the fog in her brain, a spear of fiery light in dark grey clouds. Calli’s heart spiked of dread and anticipation. She knew herself too much as well, and how she had never been too good at fighting her weaknesses. Different words, and different scenarios, but always the same outcome, like a play, adapted over the ages, she mused sadly.
“Do you, now?”, she recited like an actor in rehearsal, but only she knew the script and that was the tragedy of it all.
“Well it’s Valentine’s day, and what an awful wife I would be if I didn’t make you some chocolate, full of my love for you!” , Kiara responded matter-of-factly.
She detached herself from Calli’s side, oblivious to the reaper silent mourning at the loss of warmth and dug into her pocket. A proud smile on her lips, she turned to Calli, handing her a box, neatly wrapped in a ribbon and hearts tinted in a pink that matched her cheeks. Calli’s fingers twitch, longing to reach for that warmth.
Instead, she steadied herself, accepting the present in her hand, and opened the box. It was nothing over the top, as Calli had lowkey feared, before chastising herself. Despite appearances, Kiara had always been tactful in these sort of moments, because while often she did make a show of her emotions, the raw honesty of them was never to be doubted.
The lid lifted to reveal a dozen little balls of cornflake covered in different shades of chocolate, some sprinkled with additional colors, and Calli almost teared up. It was simple, yet she knew it must have taken a long time to get them just right, just the perfect size, just the perfect amount of sweetness on it. Just perfectly Kiara’s.
She didn’t fight the loving smile that grew on her lips. She never did, never could, and never wanted to, in those moments. Her weakness.
“Thank you, Kusotori. They look delicious.”
Kiara emitted a high pitched squeal of delight as Calli took one in her hand, bringing it to her mouth. And of course, it was delicious, and of course, it was one of Calli’s favourite flavor of chocolate, and of course, Calli melted like the food on her tongue.
Unable to sustain Kiara’s intense amethyst gaze, she turned to look in the distance, at anything, really, feeling the blush creep up her neck, hoping that the scarf she was wearing was enough to hide it. She needed a distraction, and thankfully had one prepared in her pocket.
Pulling out her own present, she casually handed it to Kiara, still avoiding her gaze, pretending to not notice the vibrant glee in the phoenix’s expression.
“There you go.” She swallowed her saliva with difficulty. “Friend chocolate.” she added for good measure, but it was drowned in an excited cry of joy that no human ear-drum was designed to handle.
“Calli! You shouldn’t have!”. In a swift motion, she grabbed the box out of Calli’s hand, ripping it open unceremoniously. “Well, I mean, of course you should have, because that’s what girlfriends do, but that’s the kind of thing I’m supposed to say, like in the shoujou mangas!”.
Calli rolled her eyes, hiding her amusement behind a mask of irritation.
“They’re delishioush!”, Kiara marveled, not bothering to finish her mouthful. Calli noticed a speck of chocolate left on the corner of her lip. She shifted her gaze, clenching her jaw.
“You’re only allowed to eat them, and not say a single more word about it, got it?”. Calli grumbled. Places, action, and scene.
Settling comfortably on the bench, she did not move an inch when Kiara leaned on her side, resting her head on her shoulder, cheek against her scarf, hair tingling her ears. Calli’s fingers were prickling, but not from the cold. They enjoyed their chocolate in a silence only perturbed by sounds of appreciation at the sweets, letting their eyes take in the scenery of the park below.
Children were building an atrocity of a snowman, with multiple limbs stabbed with dried branches of dead trees, a few too many pebbles for eyes, and two scarves around its neck. Others were throwing snowballs among shouts and cries of laughter. On the side, the adults were still, watching their offsprings with watchful, tender eyes, wrapped around each other as they witnessed the life they had created evolve and grow. Others were walking hand in hand, in warm clothes adorned with red heart accessories they only got to wear once a year.
One scene in particular caught Calli’s eyes. Two young boys, large coats covering highschool uniforms, sitting side by side in the snow, painfully close, but not touching. One, a curly set of brown hair falling in front of his eyes, was drawing figures in the snow with a stick; the other was looking away, fidgeting with the glasses on his nose, but sneaking glances at the boy next to him regularly. Eventually, the one drawing stopped abruptly, turning to his companion, seemingly blurting something out and even from afar, the blush that exploded on the latter’s face did not escape Calli’s prying eyes. With frantic movements, the boy pulled out a letter from his bag, handing it to the one with glasses who took it with trembling hands. Moments passed where Calli could only imagine the stuttering, awkward words that were exchanged before both bloomed into endeared laugh, and the one with the curly brown hair leaned in for a short, tentative kiss.
Averting her gaze to give them some privacy, Calli smiled tenderly. Young love, a wonder of life that would never cease to warm her heart. She shot a glance at Kiara, and noticed the expression on her face, mirroring the one Calli was showing herself. Kiara caught her eyes and winked. Laughing softly, Calli let out a simple “Cute.”
Then, something shifted in Kiara’s eye. They became more intense, avid with curiosity.
“Do you remember your first kiss?”
Calli’s stomach dropped. Act two was starting, and she was terribly prepared.
“No.” she deadpanned, ripping her eyes away.
“Aw come on, no need to be so cold, I’m just asking!.” Kiara shot back, defensive.
“No, no, I mean, I truly don’t. It was so long ago, probably. I genuinely cannot, for the death of me, remember it.” Calli’s words were laced with urgency for she had never intended to hurt Kiara. She never did.
“Ah I see.” The relieved tone of the girl reassured Calli. A short lived reassurance. “That’s kinda sad. Although, thinking about it, I don’t think I can either…”
The tone became distant. Calli’s stiffened. ‘I know.’ , she wanted to say. ‘There is so much you don’t remember.’ , she would never say.
“I’m sure it was a cute girl, like in school or something. I would have written her a confession letter, and gave it to her at the back of the school yard, heart pounding and hands trembling, and she would have said yes, and jumped into my arms!”, Kiara mused, getting excited over the fake scenario. Or maybe not fake, Calli wouldn’t know. She hoped it wasn’t, for the image of a younger Kiara, flushed and happy at her first love was an image Calli cherished wholeheartedly.
The reaper smiled, amused. “Maybe she was the one that confessed to you.”, she suggested, admiring the flush of Kiara’s skin as the girl pondered the idea. However, Kiara let out a humourless laugh, as if the mere idea of it was absurd and ridiculous.
Something in Calli’s heart twinged at the sight. Even in made up scenarios, Kiara never imagined that someone would chase her, and Calli knew it was partially her fault.
What a dangerous mixture it was, guilt and love, Calli thought as her body reacted before her mind could catch up. Cupping Kiara’s face between her hands, her heart pounding at the beat of a hundred similar memories but never quite the same, she leaned it, placing a tender kiss on Kiara’s lips, and even to Calli, it was like kissing her for the first time all over again.
She pulled back for a second, letting Kiara process what had just happened, and letting her own mind give into her weakness, before capturing the soft lips again with more insistence. This time, Kiara reacted, grabbing the lapel of her coat to pull her closer. Their tongue met between parted lips, an explosion of chocolate and emotions, bittersweet for one of them.
Selfish, Calli let herself enjoy every second of it, the way Kiara’s body was flaring up at the overwhelming sensations, the way her own head spun at the feel of it, the way Kiara’s tongue gently caressed hers never entering her mouth entirely, just a tease, out of reach, the way their body fell into each other, as natural as oxygen feeding a flame.
Eventually, she broke the kiss, ignoring the excruciating wail of her heart and the itch in her bones. Building her walls up again, a habit so ingrained in her, yet never unpainful, she steeled herself, and heard herself say in a voice too flat to be genuine.
“There, now you have a Valentine’s kiss, so stop being sad.”
Kiara exploded in a bumbling mess or incoherent words and sounds, slapping her hand on her cheek while looking at Calli, flabbergasted, a picture perfect of a shocked, blushing anime girl.
“Calliiiii!” she squealed, and Calli swore she could see actual heart in her violet pupils. “Well, this is a kiss I will never forget”, she added seductively, an exaggerated pouting expression on her face, but Calli knew she was hiding her true joy, and love.
Like a well oiled machine placing the set of a theater stage, Calli groaned, rolling her eyes making gagging noises as she pushed Kiara’s face away, turning her head away.
She couldn’t let Kiara see her face. She had promised herself, long ago, that she would never show Kiara how much she was hurting.
Because, unknowingly, Kiara told the worst lie she ever could, for Kiara never remembered their first kisses. But all of them were seared into Calli’s memory, like scars of burned flesh. Kiara would die, and she would lose pieces of her, and sometimes pieces of Calli too, and like a weekly play in a theater of ghost, some scenarios would loop again and again, only for Calli to direct them, and for Kiara to forget them.
She smiled a broken, shattered smile, a pressure unmoving on her ribcage, and the ghosts of a hundred kisses dancing breathlessly on the stage of her heart.