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“Br—! –out!!”
Reiner tried to focus on those muffled noises, it was close. Someone was talking to him or more like yelling at him but the numbness was overwhelming, preventing him to concentrate. How sleepy he was, did not help understand the situation either. Where was he? What was going on? The heat and the limbs connected to his face were at least answering one of his questions. He was inside his titan's nape, still linked to it somehow.
It did not move despite Reiner being sure he inclined his hand to reach for his nape, to assess the damages. Had he lost an arm? His real one or the Armored Titan’s one? Reiner could not tell, not feeling anything at all actually beside the connection with his Titan draining his strength. Reiner was so exhausted that he could not come to panic about the situation. It was comfortable in here, soothing any injuries he would sustain. The warmth lulling him to sleep, the noises outside fading progressively.
The outside world was too cruel.
Reiner desired to rest at last.
“Braun!!”
“Reiner!!”
More people were preventing him to fall unconscious. Damn them, damn the whole world from forbidding him to die. That voice yet, he was eager to hear it more. Reiner had missed it. How long had it been since he last heard it? Was it another nightmare? Once he would open his eyes again, he was going to notice that he was long gone.
But the thin, vain sparkle of hope in his heart this voice was enough for him to keep going. Again.
With a growl, Reiner severed the connection with his Titan. His eyes barely opened then, having no strength left to look around. Not like it would have been useful anyway. Stream was surrounding him confirming that he must have indeed suffered serious damage although he was still not feeling anything. No, all he felt was the frustration of moving away from death's arms.
“Get him!!” Another man ordered in a shout.
It was not the voice that he longed to hear. Once more, Reiner had been tricked by his own broken body.
It was freezing outside, rain drenching him. Reiner welcomed it with how burning his skin felt, it was easing the transition from the inside of his Titan to the rest of the world. The shouting continued, nonetheless. Far away Reiner could hear it, the various kinds of screams –either from hopelessness or courage, shotguns, powerful rumbling noises sounded like footsteps…
The war was still raging on.
While he was dragged away from it. Don’t…
“He isn't healing well, commander!”
Let me stay by their sides! Let me—
“Get him to the infirmary!”
Right, he was not healing since he did not wish to...
The rain might be a blessing for Reiner but it must be hell for everyone else as these men carrying him were slipping a few times on the mud. Could they not leave him? They were having difficulties dragging his body. For what? It would be easier if they just discarded his body here or under the enemies' firearms.
Why were they even bothering to save him? Was it because it was an order from their superior? Could they not realize that it was his fault if they were fighting this war though? Did they not hate him? It was the perfect occasion to get revenge now…
“Braun, aren’t you a warrior?! You're Marley's shield!”
“Yeah, we would be done for if you die! You’re always saving our asses.”
Those words caused a stir in Reiner. There was blood dripping from his face as well as rain getting in his eyes. This might explain why when he glanced at the men who were holding him, he could see Connie and Bertolt. They were back in that tower, the night before everything went upside down.
His lips quivered, attempting to form words, apologies before Reiner realized they were wearing white uniforms with armbands... Right, he... He was no longer in Paradis.
This, right here, was true hell.
“Glad to see you're awake.”
The man's voice, filled with sarcasm, was coming from his side. Reiner was still panting. He had been trying to wake up from the series of nightmares but to no avail. The thunderclaps are what startled him along with a scream leaving his mouth.
“I didn't know you were scared of lightning.” The man scoffed.
Galliard.
Reiner's hand reached for his face trying to calm down his hammering heart. Yet, only half his palm was formed. Right, he had been injured, he had to heal...
“I wasn't before...” Reiner mumbled before heaving another sigh. Until the Paradis mission.
Turning his head, he noticed the chair by the bedside though it was facing the windows. Galliard was not looking at him, his hands kept in the pockets of his jacket. What was he doing here? Had the battle stopped?
“Hmm...” He hummed, clearly not interested in wanting to know more. Not like Reiner was eager to share more either...
The room was not silent nonetheless. The storm outside did not seem to go away any time soon, leaving Reiner in a pity state at every thunderbolt. The sudden lightness illuminating the infirmary room, the powerful clap following it a few seconds afterward –it reminded Reiner of those weapons the survey corps used on him in their last battle. It was like being strike by lightning.
“Want me to hold your hand to sleep?” Galliard snapped in a mockery tone after he had to listen to the way Reiner gasped, after he had to witness how Reiner was pressing his face more into the pillow or how the healing and the stream stopped at each fucking lightning.
And judging how the weather outside was apocalyptic, it had been far too many times.
“Why are you staying?” Reiner answered back instead.
He could have pointed out that his hands were still not fully healed for Galliard to hold it but it would lead to more arguments. And right now, he was too exhausted to fight with the other. Why was Galliard staying? He was awaked, this was all that should matter to Marley. They did not need to babysit him like a baby, he would be healing himself and return to the battlefield just fine.
Galliard had made sure to never remain by his side, especially not alone, since his return from Paradis. Their relationship had fully shattered into pieces after everything that occurred on that island, with Reiner only to be blamed for that.
So why was he still here? If Reiner's fear of thunders was bothering him this much, no one was preventing him to just leave. If it was the superiors who were forcing Galliard to stay here, Reiner would gladly lie to cover for him. Galliard did not deserve having to stick up with him more than outside the battlefields.
“Tsk, fine if you want to be alone this much...” Galliard groaned, standing up.
Yes, this is for the best… Reiner convinced himself, staring at the now empty chair. He did not wish to burden Galliard more, he deserved to be alone tormented by his fears and sins...
The room suddenly lit itself before plunging back into darkness, Reiner’s lips parting in a deep intake for what would follow. It was the closest it hit judging how deafening the clap was, resulting in the windows shaking. It was nothing next to the current state of Reiner. He had been unable to produce a sound, not even whimpers, his hands having instinctively reached for his nape.
Don't kill me! I want to return home!
His fingers were still not formed thankfully or he might have just ripped some of his skin judging by how hard he pressed his palms onto his nape. Reiner was breathless, stuck as a lump formed in his throat when the thunder hit thinking he had died… The silence of the room that followed was replaced by wheezing with his chest heaving in a futile attempt to stay alive.
“How could someone like you inherit the Armored Titan?” Galliard mumbled in disbelief as Reiner could hear footsteps.
The memories were flowing even behind his closed eyelids, there was no freedom from them. Reiner tried nonetheless, thinking of something else, anything other than all the failures of his life. That did not leave much though... Galliard was right, he was not supposed to have this power. It was—
The mattress squeaked under an additional weight. Reiner's eyes blinked open, dumbfounded to find Galliard there sitting by his side. He imagined that he had left already...
“Stop crying.” Galliard sighed, exhausted and annoyed but he was staying.
Reiner sniffed, feeling the tears falling down his cheeks unable to stop himself. The pain from his injuries was numb unlike all those emotions ramming through his heart and mind. It would be so much easier to end him, or for him to hit his head hard enough to forget everything. Why could that not happen? He barely remembered what hit him rendering him powerless back on the battlefield few hours ago –or maybe days ago. Why could it not be the case for the last five years, almost six years? For him to forget, for his nightmares to stop tormenting him, was death the only thing that would work?
“Fuck...” Galliard mumbled noticing how Reiner’s sobs were getting louder, faster too barely –leaving him in a mix of hiccups and gasps. “Just here... Take this!”
Reiner had expected medicine, instead, it was a wrapped box without any indication that was shoved into his hand. He tried to take a deep breath, hating that he was completely breaking down in front of Galliard. Thunder hit at that same moment rendering all his efforts useless. Sometimes, Reiner thought the whole world was trying to make him suffer...
This was what he deserved.
“Just open it!” Galliard hurried. His face was redder, looking anywhere but at Reiner. It seemed he wanted to be gone but at the same time something was holding him there on the mattress.
It was his other hand, Reiner realized as he moved it away to open the box.
His fingers had gripped tightly onto Galliard's arm when hearing the thunderclap. His hands were finally completely healed. Nonetheless, Reiner focused on the task he had been assigned: opening the box. Only concentrating on that instead of overthinking how Galliard did not push his hand away, how since what seemed forever, Reiner was allowed to touch him even for a brief instant, and how he missed being this close to Galliard.
No. This was too late to think about all of that. The wrappings around the box confirmed it was no medicine. What could it be? It must have been in Galliard’s jacket the whole time since Reiner had not noticed it beforehand.
All those unnecessary thoughts crept back into his heart, bursting open his chest as soon as Reiner was able to stare at the box content. A thin, black rectangle. A sweet smell coming out of it. The best food Reiner had ever tasted in his whole life.
Chocolate.
It was chocolate.
Wait… What date was it?
Reiner was speechless, even the tears had stopped flowing down the more he stared at it. His mouth opened, closed, and opened again in vain. Trying to find words to utter in this ridiculous situation –what could he even say right now?!
Galliard was faster, nonetheless.
“I promised I would give you some so... That's all. Nothing more. Don't expect anything from it, you loser.” Galliard rumbled, standing up and rushing out of the room before Reiner could plea him to stay.
That was no explanation!
Now, Reiner was left alone in that room with a small piece of chocolate and heartbeats louder than the thunders outside.
He was reminded of that small boy, years ago, throwing a box at him with no much better clarification than whatever this was. Reiner had enjoyed the chocolate then without knowing the actual meaning behind it or even what chocolate was. The memory was not just fun though with how his mother had reprimanded him afterward, teaching him how disgusting it was to receive chocolate from a boy on Valentine's day.
It was the first time Reiner went against his mother then upon realizing just how much those lies hurt that small boy. It was a secret between just the two of them –and maybe Marcel too though. This was when that promise had been made and Reiner received more chocolate the following years upon that special day.
Until he left for Paradis.
For these past few years, Reiner had done his best to forget the sinful taste of chocolate, of Porco’s lips when they first kissed before his departure...
Reiner had imagined how even if he had managed to bring Eren to Marley and succeeded in that mission, it would have not brought Marcel back to life. Reiner had fucked up everything not even a day into that mission. Galliard would never forgive him, saving the world meant nothing when you were mourning. So, coming back empty-handed, with more than one loss to mourn? Reiner had not expected to be welcomed back into Galliard’s arms.
Their frail relationship had miraculously survived Reiner being the one picked to inherit the Armored Titan already.
Galliard had stuck with his promise yet the following year after months of ignorance. Throwing the box of chocolate was a tradition it seemed even then as he warned Reiner that he better not mess around and fuck their first mission. Reiner had been so shocked, almost giving back the box but something had stirred inside him at the look Porco gave him. It was not one of hatred, no, there were worry and concerns in those eyes and Reiner accepted the chocolate along with Porco's hand in his.
Reiner did not mess around nor fucked their first mission.
And the following year, he received chocolate. This time, properly handed to him.
Despite the box weighting in his palm, the smell of chocolate reaching his nostrils, Reiner could still not believe what had just occurred. He had been the reason why Marcel died, why the Paradis mission was such a failure, why the Mid-East Allied force attacked Marley...
So, why was Galliard still hung to that promise he made a few years back when they were still kids?
Galliard hated his guts, avoiding him at all cost and Reiner understood. He was no longer loving him, or liking him... Or whatever this relationship had been about. They had never put words on it. Galliard would always leave him behind with more interrogations than answers. Just like when he gave him that box the first time... After five years apart, Galliard had not changed, impulsively acting before thinking, not caring about the consequences it could result in.
And in this case, wrecking what was left of Reiner's heart.
There was a knock on the door, waking Reiner up from his inner bubble. How long had he stayed there staring at that piece of chocolate? There was no more lightning outside though the rain was still hitting against the windows. He quickly ran a hand over his face to erase any traces of wetness on his cheeks. This was not Galliard, no way he would come back after this and so Reiner expected someone else when the door opened –potentially a superior. The red armband made his heart skipped a beat before his eyes noticed the long dark hair.
Pieck.
“Good, you’re awake.”
The woman smiled at him. Another person entered along with her as she was holding his arm to be able to walk properly before she sat on the chair Galliard left moments ago.
Zeke nodded at him only. He blinked upon noticing the box and the chocolate it contained yet.
“Getting a Valentine during war? Didn’t know you were this popular, Reiner.” He teased with a chuckle.
“Erm…No…This is—mmm…”
Pieck stared at it as well, a lot more astonished look on her face. “...Pokko… He’s the one who gave it to you, isn’t it?”
Reiner's thoughts and attempts of logical explanations stopped immediately along with Zeke's laughter.
"Ah yes! He's the one who went to that shop during our day off." He mentioned this as if he just remembered something trivial. They were not glaring at him in disgust as his mother did all those years ago despite knowing who gave him this piece of chocolate on Valentine’s Day.
But this was not the only thing that shocked him.
Reiner's mouth left hanging, their last day off was months old! They had managed to come out victorious in one of the major battles earning that vacation which was more like the trip to get to the next one. Reiner had rested the whole day, while Zeke, Pieck, and Galliard had desired to go out to the nearby town under Marley's jurisdiction.
So, Galliard had bought the chocolate then? And kept it till that day securely. To give it to him? Something did not make sense in this. Everything. Nothing at all was right. For Galliard to spend his money for this, to think months ahead about it, to have to hide it somewhere safe, and all that to give it to the man who had his brother killed...
“Reiner... Porco, he loves you a lot, he just needs time to mourn for Marcel and realize it’s not your fault.” Pieck's hand reached for his head, brushing his hair affectionately as his mother would.
They had grown too long, getting in his eyes rapidly. A beard had started to appear too. Reiner was not much caring about his appearance though he did notice how his clothes seemed to be getting loose now.
“We don't have much time left in our terms though.” Zeke reminded them, earning a glare from Pieck and a sigh from Reiner. He tried to defend himself by adding more. "What? That’s true! We don't have the luxury to torment ourselves over our past mistakes, we need to focus on what’s in front of us now."
Reiner stayed silent, Pieck being the one to sigh as those words were resonating to her, he could tell. They all had regrets concerning that mission... It was always easier said than done, to be able to move forward. At this, he was reminded of Eren and he shook his head to cast aside that memory. His eyes fell down then to the box.
What’s in front of me now, huh? Reiner tentatively held the chocolate between his fingers, fearing it would break. Pieck and Zeke stared at him expectedly as he took that first bite.
Just like in his memories, the sweetness invaded his mouth quickly although this time it was a lot more bitter than he remembered chocolate to be. His heart was heavy when it started to melt. Reiner finished the piece, leaving no trace that it had ever existed –only the taste on his tongue, making it heavier.
“How is it?” Pieck asked curiously, her eyes softening at the way Reiner's lips curved up even slightly. It was not much but it might have been the closest his lips were to form a smile. The first one since their return from Paradis.
“It's...”
Disgusting, his body was trying to tell him, to force those words out of his mouth, to lie again after all those years ago. His mother's voice echoing to his head as she forbad him from accepting chocolate from boys and be as far away as possible from Porco.
Reiner should have listened to his mother, he should have kept lying to himself and Galliard that the chocolate he gave him was disgusting, that he was a bad Eldian for doing something this evil. If he had, then perhaps, Galliard would not torment himself about him. He would be ignoring him. He would have not gone through the trouble each time of getting these boxes to him and finally, he would not be loving the man who had his brother killed.
Yes, it was disgusting...
“It's… delicious…” Reiner muttered instead, his vision blurring with the tears welling up. He was done lying, lying to himself and others even if this truth was going to bring more pain.
“Go tell him that then before it's too late.” Zeke smiled as his hand pressed against his shoulder, giving him the go.
Reiner's body was fully healed yet he slipped when standing up, his legs still wobbly under his sudden weight. The powers of the Nine Titans might be incredulous but it came with a price, a high price to pay. Pieck helped him standing up with a knowingly smile.
“Go get him.” She said before he dashed out of the room not caring about only wearing his uniform pants outside under the rain to head to their barracks.
No, all that mattered now was finding Porco, being honest with him, and facing all his emotions head-on. He would listen to him while preventing him to leave again. They had to put words on their relationship, whether Porco wanted to break his promise or not. They could not continue like this forever.
“How do you know for sure that Porco loves him?” Zeke pondered, sitting on the bed. He might have helped her to get Reiner to finally act but he was still uncertain about Porco’s motivation.
“Have you seen his face when he came out of that shop?” Pieck laughed at the mere memory of it.
He had been so bashful, yet content with his purchase. No one would look like this if they were buying something for their worst enemy.
“Pokko is prideful and he won't admit it but, that day, for like a few seconds before he noticed us, he looked happy.” Pieck added, her eyes filled with nostalgia. They did not have much of these simpler and happier moments in life anymore so she always made sure to enjoy them to their fullest even glimpse of it.
“I want them to smile again as they used to…”
“I see,” Zeke muttered, stroking his beard out of habit whenever he was thinking.
She wondered if Zeke had one of these moments lately. Pieck could not remember the last time he actually laughed, genuinely. They did not have much time left, huh?
Porco must have realized this when he bought that chocolate, that his hatred for Reiner for getting Marcel killed was misplaced. That it was only to find someone guilty and blame them for everything that happened on that island and Reiner was the perfect culprit, gladly accepting all the charges on him.
Reality was a lot more complex, just like his feelings for Reiner blooming despite everything. Pieck trusted them to sort things out this time because indeed, the clock was ticking away and there would not be many Valentine's Days left for them to dance around the idea that they loved one another.