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Oh, silent world
Rest assured that love lies beyond words
Their trip to the zoo is coming to an end, but Castiel thinks it was quite successful. It was a joy especially to watch Jack be so carefree and so excited about everything. They’ve taken a lot of photos today, and Castiel is looking forward to selecting some for the family album they’ve started. He knows it means a lot to Dean as well, to have physical proof of the happiness they have found at last.
Which is why, when he spots the little gift shop near the zoo’s exit, he thinks that some souvenirs would be nice.
He’s selected a pin of a platypus for Jack and one of a capybara for himself, when he spots Dean two aisles over. He’d said he wanted to wait outside, but now he’s staring intently at a shelf with various plushies, an unreadable expression on his face.
“Do you want one?”
Dean startles, apparently having been so deep in thought he didn’t even notice Castiel approach.
“What? No. Those are for kids, Cas.” Dean’s frowning suddenly, upset for reasons Castiel can’t quite grasp. Without another word, Dean wheels himself away and towards the exit.
Confused, Castiel picks up the plushie that Dean seems to have been looking at. It's a koala wearing a hanky. The expression on its face is kind of funny but friendly and its fake fur is very soft.
He can see why Dean would like it—except apparently, he didn’t?
He’s about to put it back when Sam, who must have watched it all happen, suddenly appears at his elbow. “Cas,” he stage-whispers, “Buy it for him. Trust me, you’ll be his hero.”
Castiel does trust Sam, so he takes the plushie with him to the register. After paying, Sam offers to hide it in his backpack, so Castiel can give it to Dean in private later.
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After dinner, Sam and Eileen leave to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. Jack follows Dean and Cas to the accessible motel room they share so they can all watch jeopardy together. Halfway through, Dean starts to nod off but somehow manages to wake up and complain every time they lower the volume.
Castiel has come to greatly enjoy watching the show with them, but today he can't really concentrate on it. Drowsy from the long day, Dean has cuddled into his side with his head on Castiel’s shoulder. He smells like sunscreen and fresh air, and his presence at Castiel's side is warm and steady. He was playing absently with the buttons on Castiel’s shirt but then became too sleepy. Now, Castiel’s hand is covering Dean's on his chest, gently stroking the back of it with his thumb while Dean dozes.
Sitting cross-legged at the foot end of the bed, Jack is more awake. He's watching the show with a happy expression, the platypus pin attached to the front of his t-shirt glinting softly in the light of the TV.
Watching them, Castiel feels deeply at peace.
When the show is over, Jack leaves for his own room, expressing once again how excited he is to go to the beach the next day. Dean is fast asleep by now and Castiel is loath to wake him, but Dean's still wearing the clothes he was wearing all day. And Castiel knows how much Dean hates the way his mouth tastes when he wakes up in the morning after not having brushed his teeth the night before.
Gently, Castiel strokes Dean's cheek until Dean frowns and makes an irritated noise.
"You fell asleep while we watched TV. Do you want to get ready for bed?"
Dean grumbles about it but he does get up, blinking dazedly. His chair is parked directly beside the bed and he enters the bathroom. Shortly after, Castiel can hear water running—Dean is likely making use of the tub to rinse off the sunscreen and sweat.
Using the opportunity to get ready himself, Castiel strips out of his clothes until he’s only in underwear and then puts on one of the soft t-shirts they brought with them from home. Dean is very picky about which fabrics are the most comfortable for prolonged cuddling. Also, he has admitted that he enjoys when Castiel wears something at night that smells like their fabric softener because it gives him a sense of security and comfort, especially when they're on the road.
His gift is still hidden in a drawer beside the door. Maybe he should wait until Dean's gotten some rest to give it to him, especially with how strangely Dean had reacted earlier. But then again, they finally have some privacy now, and Castiel would rather not wait too long and risk Dean or Jack finding it by accident tomorrow.
When Dean exits the bathroom, he's already in sleep clothes. When he sees the nondescript paperbag sitting on his side of the bed, he frowns.
"What's that?"
He parks his chair and moves himself onto the bed. He picks up the bag to look inside and then goes very still.
To anyone else, Dean's tense shoulders and the way his jaw is set might translate as anger, but Castiel can see the way he's curling over his chest and the wet shine to his eyes for what it is.
Sitting down beside him on the bed, Castiel puts a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder but doesn't say anything yet. Since Dean feels everything so deeply, Castiel has learned that it greatly benefits Dean—both of them, really—when Castiel gives him time to process and sort himself out.
Obviously, this is affecting Dean for reasons Castiel doesn’t know, but he’s content to wait until Dean is ready. And if he’s never ready, that’s okay too.
Almost hesitantly, Dean takes the koala out and lets the bag fall down onto the carpet. He stares at it for a long moment, his mind seeming far away. When he comes out of it, he blinks his eyes and casts a worried glance at Castiel. Carefully, Dean sets the koala down on his bedside table, and then doesn’t seem to know what to do with his hands. When he opens his mouth, his throat clicks but no words come out.
Watching his expression shift towards frustration, Castiel decides to give Dean the out he needs. He squeezes his shoulder, “It was a long day. We should get some rest.”
Castiel turns off the lights. He expects Dean to roll onto his side so he can be the “little spoon” and have his face be hidden. Instead, Dean pillows his head on Castiel’s belly and then gropes around until he finds his hand and holds it. Then he sighs, rubs his cheek against Castiel t-shirt and closes his eyes, the tension finally going out of him.
Gentle moonlight is illuminating their room, the thin curtains are moving in the breeze, and the sea is close enough that the waves can be heard loud and clear. It’s so soothing that Castiel spends most of the night just listening to the ocean and watching the stars move across the sky.
Dean lies awake for a while around 3 am. They don’t talk—not with words, anyway. But their hands do—holding onto each other, drawing patterns onto the other’s skin. Even after Dean has fallen back asleep, every time Castiel shifts position Dean follows him. Castiel draws the thin blanket up higher over Dean’s back and moves his hand under Dean’s to still Dean’s searching fingers.
It’s only when the morning dawns that Castiel moves out of the bed and onto their balcony to watch the sun rise over the waves. He has seen it happen countless times but he can’t remember ever being able to enjoy it quite like this. The first rays of the sun warm his face and the moment could only be more perfect if Dean were by his side.
They went to bed quite early, so his wish is granted only about half an hour later. He didn’t close the balcony door all the way, and he can hear when Dean enters the bathroom. A few minutes later, Dean appears beside him where he’s lounging in one of the chairs and has his head tipped back towards the sky.
They sit and watch the waves and the growing light in companionable silence. Dean must have felt a little cold—he’s wearing sweatpants and a hoodie that’s a little too big on him because it’s actually Castiel’s. It’s navy blue and very soft—one of the items that Dean insisted they get for cuddling time. Dean’s gotten into the habit of “stealing” it, though only after Castiel has worn it at least one time, something that he still doesn’t quite understand.
Without meeting his eyes, Dean finally reaches over and takes Castiel’s hand in his. He draws it into his lap and squeezes it once and then just holds it. It’s the thank you that Dean can’t say out loud but that Castiel hears anyway. He squeezes Dean’s fingers in return, letting him know that he’s being understood.
Dean might never be able to tell him why a simple plush toy—a comfort item—affected him that deeply, why he clearly wanted it and yet wouldn’t let himself have it, but that’s okay. All that matters to Castiel is that he’s discovered something new about Dean, that Dean has let him discover it, and has let Castiel soothe whatever pain was associated with it.
The sun rises higher, warming their faces and their joined hands, their intertwined souls.