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“I love you.”
My heart beats erratically in my chest. Those words, the words. He finally said them. The three words that mean commitment. That ensures a forever. The words everyone wishes to hear from their partner. But the minute those loaded words leave Kun’s lips, all I feel is a sense of guilt. My head grows foggy from all the racing thoughts that begin to pile into it. So many emotions fill me up that I begin to worry they’ll pour right out of me. Fear, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and among them, confusion. I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling this way.
I mean, if there was a man I’d want to spend forever with, it’d be Kun right? Kun is the whole package: strong, smart, caring, funny; he’s the kind of guy you bring home to your parents. I adore him. So much. From his soft hair to his surprisingly toned stomach, there’s not a single part of him that I don’t want to smother with affection. He’s what gets me through each day. My everything.
So then why do his words make my skin burn where he touches it? Why am I so tense from the utterance of normal words? It’s not like it’s uncalled for. We’ve been together for 3 years now. It seems natural to say this to each other at this juncture.
Maybe it’s the setting? I definitely wasn’t ready to hear such important words while cuddled together watching the X Factor. I try to brush it off as just surprise, but I know it’s more than that.
It’s partially because I don’t know how to believe him. How could Kun love me? We’re different in every sense of the word. Kun’s collected and mature aura contrasts my own childlike giddiness and extroverted tendencies. While Kun prefers to compose by himself in his off time, I spend mine with friends. Kun is the most loving, gorgeous, levelheaded soul on the planet. And I’m... just Ten. Annoying Ten. Crazy Ten. Messy Ten. Broken Ten.
I realize belatedly that I’ve been silent for too long and Kun must be worried. With what little confidence I can muster I shakily say, “Why?”
I feel a small movement above me telling me Kun must be looking at me. I refuse to meet his eyes, unsure of what I’ll see there.
“Why not ?” Kun retorts. There’s no bite in his tone, his voice even and inviting. This is so Kun, always giving me the time I need and letting me set the pace.
“I… I don’t know. What is there to love? I’m not much more than broken pieces. How could you love someone who isn’t even whole?”
“Because that doesn’t matter to me. We’ve been together for a year, Tennie. That’s never been the reason I’m here, nor would it be any reason for me to leave,” Kun explains everything so softly, so gently, as if raising his voice a fraction too much would obliterate me. “Do you know how I fell for you? It happened gradually, but I was first drawn in by your personality. Your jokes always make me smile, no matter how cheesy, and you’re so expressive. You have this air around you that makes people gravitate towards you. After I first noticed you, I realized you were also stunning . I know I tell you this often but you truly are just: magnificent.” Despite the tense air around us, the compliments still make a blush spread across my cheeks. I resist the urge to nuzzle further into Kun’s warmth.
Kun shifts a little before continuing. “And from there I began falling for the little things about you, like the way you pout when you’re upset, or how your cheeks puff up while you eat. It was easy to fall for you. You talk about yourself like you’re a project, a task I need to complete, a puzzle I have to piece together, but you’re more than that Ten.” I can tell he’s looking directly at me now. “You may be a bit broken, but you are not your broken pieces. You’re Ten: my wonderful, gorgeous, incredibly lovable boyfriend. I’m always willing to help put you back together, but I’m here because I love you Ten.” Something changes in Kun’s posture at his last words, he becomes more stiff. “Did my words scare you? You don’t have to worry about saying them back to me. I just wanted to be honest.” Kun admits a little sheepishly, if not disappointedly.
I fidget a bit in my spot as I think about what to say. “Honestly, they caught me way off guard.” I chuckle, but it’s empty. “I want to believe you. So badly Kun. And I especially want to say it back, because I’m utterly enamored by you.” Tears flow freely down my cheeks as I speak. Kun rubs soothing circles into my back, encouraging me to continue. “I want to be able to say it, I really really do, but I just can’t. I’m not ready. I don’t know why, but I’m not ready yet.” Kun’s hand falls in front of my face, as if asking for permission. I lean towards it slightly in a silent okay, and I feel soft hands wipe my tears away.
“Tennie,” Kun speaks softly again, not wanting to startle me. “That’s completely fine. You don’t have to be ready just yet, take your time. I’m willing to wait for you baobei , you’re more than worth it.” The combination of Kun’s caring tone and the pet name make the tears flow harder. His words seem to solidify in my brain that I don’t deserve him.
“But it’s not,” I whisper between sobs. “You deserve to hear that from me, I owe you that much. You’ve done so much for me and I can’t-- I can’t even--” My words are cut off by another round of sobs. Kun pulls me closer, inviting me to bury myself in the comforting expanse of his chest. I can’t help but give in.
“You don’t owe me anything baobei. As I said before, you’re worth it. I’m always here if you need, just as I know you are for me. It’s what boyfriends do Ten, they help each other. You shouldn’t have to apologize for needing help.” A pregnant silence follows his words. My sobs begin to eb and I finally gain the courage to look up at Kun. He’s looking down on me with an expression full of nothing but understanding and warmth, it almost makes me cry again.
“What did I ever do to deserve you?” I ask seriously. Kun giggles a little.
“You existed darling.”