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He was staring again. He stared a lot lately. Stared at Axel, stared at the meaningless jumble of words thrown on people’s meaningless jumble of reports, stared into absolute nothingness. As Axel sat at the table in their dining hall, his pen poised over his paper as he added the last bits of information to his report for the day, he couldn’t help but notice that Saïx was staring at him. Like he was expecting something. Or like he had something to say and just didn’t have the guts to say it.
“I’m almost done,” Axel told him, scribbling on the little drawing he was making of a new Heartless he’d seen today. “Just adding a few final touches.”
“Take your time,” Saïx replied, his voice distant, as if he was speaking without really thinking. He sighed, leaning forward in his chair and resting his chin on his folded hands as he stared at the wall directly behind Axel. Like he was seeing right through him. “It isn’t as if we’re on a tight schedule or anything.”
That sounded oddly sarcastic. Axel shot a look at him, his eyebrows tugging down with his deep frown as he tried to think of something to say, but failed. Saïx’s face was blank, empty, devoid of all emotions. Back in the day, Axel could read his thoughts as easily as if he had spoken them out loud, but now, the man sitting before him was unreadable. He scoffed and continued working on his drawing.
It was hard to focus with Saïx sitting so close to him. He wasn’t sure if it was because it was making him nervous or because it was making him horny. It was hard to differentiate between feelings without a heart. His skin burned with some sort of strange sensation he couldn’t make sense of, and he felt like the wind was being sucked from his lungs. He had to keep looking up to make sure that Saïx wasn’t looking at him. He couldn’t work when he was looking. It made him feel like he was being judged.
Not that he cared about being judged. It was mildly irritating though. It always had been. Ever since they were kids and Isa had sat across from him at the kitchen table while they were doing homework, and he watched Lea with this intense gaze like he was just waiting for him to mess up something so he could jump in and correct it. Isa was always the smart one. And he knew it too. It was frustrating beyond comparison. Axel often wondered how he had managed to stay friends with him for so long.
Luckily, though, Saïx was not staring at him at all, but rather, focused on something else entirely. The moon outside the window, it seemed. Not Kingdom Hearts, which hung heavy and dark in the sky, but the actual moon, which influenced Saïx’s Nobody powers and his moods most of the time. Tonight, it was merely a crescent, which meant Saïx shouldn’t be going berserk for no reason.
He said that lightly. Saïx seemed to be going berserk for no reason more often lately. He thought it must have something to do with his shift in the power structure.
Now, with Saïx focused on the sky, Axel found himself staring at him instead. Lots of things had changed between the two of them in the past several years. For one, they were on-again-off-again dating, which seemed to be working for them, for the most part. And for another, they had been gradually becoming less and less human and more and more of...whatever it is this was. Axel found himself wondering several times a day, if he were human, what emotion would he be feeling at this exact moment? But as the years passed, that thought seemed like it was coming around less. Emotions did not trouble him. Not having a heart did not trouble him. Life was what it was. He took things as they came to him.
It was a dull nonexistence.
It was strange to him, however, that things seemed, for the most part, normal. They went by different names, they had different identities. Hell, their personalities had even changed just slightly. They were different creatures, weren’t they? Different from the human children they had been five or six years ago? Now, they were fresh into adulthood and...they didn’t exist.
But they still looked the same. He chewed on the end of his pen and studied Saïx with utmost interest. He was exactly the same. Same blue hair, though it had grown longer and shaggier over the years. Same birthmark on his collarbone. Axel had always thought it looked like a heart, but Saïx told him that was stupid. Same piercings in his ears, though he had gotten a few extra one night when they got plastered in Twilight Town after watching the sunset. He hadn’t been in charge of anything then, and they’d had a lot more fun.
It was the same night they’d gotten matching tattoos. He remembered telling Saïx that he must have just wanted to put himself through tons of pain, and Saïx insisted that it wouldn’t hurt. Axel had screamed the entire time, and Saïx held his hand and did not make a single sound while someone else drew on him.
They were the same best friends they had always been. The same best friends that gravitated toward one another and could not live without the other. The same best friends that had been in love all along and could not be bothered to understand it or act upon it until they’d been cursed to have no heart. Axel had not understood it was love until the feeling was absent, and then, he had missed it so much he’d cried, and he could not feel or understand why he was crying. That’s when Saïx had drawn the upside-down tears on him. After Xigbar had said, “What the hell you got to cry for, kid? You don’t have a heart anymore.” He thought it was meant to be at least a little comforting, but Xigbar hated kids, so maybe it was meant to sting. Axel felt nothing, and he did not cry.
Yeah, they were the same. At least, he thought they were. They looked the same. But he couldn’t help the thought that crossed his mind as he sat there watching Saïx’s blank, stony face. This isn’t you. And this isn’t me.
Saïx’s cold, emerald eyes flickered over to meet Axel’s then, and he shuddered a little. “What?” Saïx asked, his voice cold as steel. His gaze dropped to the paper sitting on the table, and his frown grew deeper. “Do you need me to do that for you, or are you quite capable? I have to have these read and turned in before midnight, you know. You’re really cutting into my schedule.”
Axel smiled softly at him. He wasn’t quite sure what made him get up from his seat or what carried him around to the other side of the table, but there was this strange fluttering feeling in his belly, like a million bugs were crawling around inside of him. Sounded gross, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. He couldn’t quite put an emotion to it, though he remembered the feeling quite well. The way he had always felt when Isa was around. That moment when he would hear his doorbell ring, and he just knew who was standing on the other side. That moment of anticipation, of excitement, of joy that passed through him because it was Isa and he couldn’t wait to see him, couldn’t wait to throw his arms around him in a warm embrace and hold him close. His best friend.
His soulmate. If that was a real thing.
“What are you --” Saïx started to ask, but Axel didn’t let him finish as he pressed his lips to his. It was gentle, they barely touched, but it was enough. As he pulled away, he watched Saïx’s eyes widen, his pupils dilate, his lips part just slightly with words he either could not say or did not want to say. Instead, he huffed out a trembling breath, and Axel grinned at him. It was so rare to see him come apart like that, to see him lose control over his thoughts and whatever memory of an emotion he was experiencing. It was fun.
Axel started to walk away, but Saïx’s hand shot out, grabbing his wrist and holding him firmly in place. If he had a heart, he was certain it would have stuttered in that moment, and he turned around to meet his gaze. It was softer now, somehow. Less angry.
“Lea?” The tone of his voice was strange. It was like he was waking up from a dream and he wasn’t quite sure who he was looking at. Axel fell to his knees so that they were at eye level, and he released Saïx’s hand so that he could cradle his face. His skin was cool to the touch, but Axel was burning up. They had always been perfectly complementary to one another.
Everything was the same. It should have been. It looked the same. He even felt the ghost of those same emotions hovering just out of reach. He leaned forward, their foreheads touching, and brushed a finger over Saïx’s soft skin. He trembled underneath Axel’s touch and pressed forward, eyes fluttering shut, their noses bumping into one another once, twice, before he closed the gap between them and drew Axel into a soft kiss.
For a moment, Axel’s mind went blank. His body reacted to Saïx’s nearness almost instinctively, his hands twisting in his hair, dragging him closer, his lips parting to allow his tongue to press into his mouth and explore all of the parts of him he’d already memorized. And when he was finally able to find a grip on reality again, his first thought was that Saïx tasted sweet. It wasn’t overly sweet in any sense, and it wasn’t the same sticky sweet and salty of the ice cream they used to enjoy sharing at sunset. It was more of a subtle sweet, like just a hint of honey in his oolong tea just how he liked it, or just a dash of creamer in his morning coffee. It was his favorite taste in the entire world. He could drown in it.
And he was so real. Sometimes in this world of nonexistence living with other nonexistent beings, it was hard to hold onto what was solid and what was a figment of his imagination. But Saïx was here. He was sitting right in front of him. Kissing him. He could touch him and hold him and feel him. The sensations were overwhelming. And he was dizzy. So, so dizzy and falling harder as he deepened their kiss, their tongues clashing against one another and lips gliding so gently he could almost cry again, though he hadn’t cried in so long. They knew each other so well. And being this close to him, holding tight to what was real, what was familiar, made something inside of him ignite like a flame and burn through his veins like a wildfire. He knew he could not feel emotions, but his body still reacted the same way, and he knew the sensation all too well. Something that he used to feel. Something he could remember. Something that was just out of his reach.
“I love you,” he whispered against Saïx’s mouth, and Saïx indulged him by kissing him again. He never said it back. Which was okay, really, even if it kept Axel up at night wondering why he fell so hard and why Saïx could not at least pretend to feel the same way.
“I do feel the same way,” Saïx had told him once. “Or, I could, if we existed. I won’t say it. Not now. Not when I can’t feel it fully.”
It made sense, but it still touched a nerve.
Eventually, Saïx pushed him away, and Axel sat there for a moment, Saïx’s hands on his chest, his head spinning as he tried to regain control of his breathing. Then, as if a wall had been constructed between them in seconds, Saïx’s gaze hardened, and he said, “I need that report.”
He felt untouchable suddenly, unattainable. He was there, he was real, but he was so far out of reach that Axel felt like he was oceans away, and he wouldn’t be able to get to him even if he tried.
"Ay, ay, captain," Axel replied with an exaggerated salute and a roll of his eyes. "You don't have to sit here and monitor me. I'm not a child."
"Apparently I do have to sit here and monitor you, because you're the only one I'm still waiting on." Saïx folded his hands in front of him and glared.
Axel glared right back. "I had a big day," he hissed through gritted teeth as he sat back down in his chair.
"I hope your report reflects that."
That thought screamed through Axel's head again. They weren't who they used to be. Not at all. This was not the same life they used to lead. The person sitting across from him was wearing Isa's face, but he wasn't Isa. He was…
Nobody.
And yet Axel still felt the same way about him. He wondered if he should be ashamed about it.
He still felt Saïx's gaze on him, but when he looked up, the green eyes that he knew so well were set on the moon. They had turned off most of the lights in the room except for the ones directly above the table, which were going out and needed replacing soon. They bathed them in this weird, dim glow and made Saïx's hair unusually shiny. In some areas, it even looked purple. Axel found himself distracted as he chewed on the end of his pen again, wondering what Saïx would look like with purple hair. Good, probably. He could do anything to his hair and Axel would still think he was attractive.
"Just thinking how to word this," Axel said, before Saïx could make some rude comment on why his pen wasn't on the paper.
But Saïx didn't seem like he was even paying attention. His mind was somewhere else. Axel wondered if they were thinking about the same things. He was too afraid to ask.
Because if they weren't, it would only end in a fight. Why was he worrying over who they used to be and who they had become? If he wanted so desperately to find his way back to where they used to be, then why wasn't he working harder? Why wasn't he working on his damn report?
Maybe he felt like it was useless. Like maybe there were other ways.
He leaned back in his chair and tapped his pen nervously against the table. The moon was shining directly through the window now, and it left Saïx in a halo of white light that made him look...Axel couldn't even think of the words to describe it. Otherworldly. Ethereal. Angelic. And yet that didn't give him justice. It was his favorite view of Saïx, underneath the moonlight looking pensive and at ease.
They used to be able to sit in comfortable silence together. Now, to Axel, it felt like the air was charged with electricity, like they were seconds away from a natural disaster. He studied Saïx's face, the gentle curve of his lips, the freckle below his left eye. He wanted to touch it, to kiss it. He wanted to lavish Saïx with all of the affection that he used to feel for him, all of the affection he was sure he still felt for him now.
Something gave him the strength to speak. "Hey, do you remember --" He paused when Saïx's gaze snapped to his face again, his eyes hardening like ice on a lake. Still, Axel pressed on, though his tongue suddenly felt too heavy for his mouth. "Do you remember that night you stayed over after the dance? We couldn't sleep because we were so wired on soda and sweets, so we snuck up to the roof and gazed up at the stars."
It was his go-to story, the one he always brought up in his most desperate moments, when he wanted to pull Saïx back to reality, to remind him of who they once were. To remind him of how they once felt for one another.
How they still felt now, with or without hearts.
Surprisingly, Saïx bought in to the story, and the corner of his mouth turned up in a tiny smile. A soft smile. One that made something in Axel's chest flutter. "I made up fake constellations and pointed them out to you, and you kept telling me you could see them even though they weren't there."
Axel chuckled a little. "In case you didn't know, I was trying to impress you."
Saïx rolled his eyes, exhaling a short laugh. "You didn't need to pretend to see constellations to impress me."
Axel smiled at him. The crackling energy in the air seemed to dissipate for just a moment. He could relax his muscles, breathe a little. He could see that part of his best friend inside of Saïx now. Hope wasn't lost for them. Not yet.
"I thought I did," he murmured, tracing his finger along the table's surface. "I never thought I was smart enough for you."
Saïx didn't speak again. He turned his attention back to the moon for a brief moment, and Axel could see its milky image dancing in Saïx's dark pupils. He thought maybe he kept coming back to the same stories, repeating them over and over in his head and out loud, because it was easier than trying to talk about all of the things that were really on his mind. He couldn’t say what he really meant to say. The past was simple. It made sense. Everything else was just jumbled and confusing.
Saïx wore his best friend's face. But there were parts of him that just...weren't the same. Maybe there were parts of Axel that weren't quite the same anymore either. Parts he couldn't even see. Maybe that was part of growing up, something that was destined to change from the very beginning. Or maybe it was this Kingdom Hearts situation. Either way, they weren't who they used to be in Radiant Garden.
It was like...like they were running in circles around each other. Like maybe they were lost in the same hedge maze and kept passing by one another as they made their way down the narrow twists and turns, but they never quite saw each other. They could cry out for each other, and still, they would remain just as lost and confused as ever.
Or maybe, more accurately, they were like...like ghosts. Yes, that was a good way to think of a Nobody. It was like the old version of them had died, and they were now standing with a new body, no heart, no soul. Same face. Same life. Destined to roam forever and ever in this miserable state as they tried to grasp those same feelings they had when they were human. They were like shells of their former selves. Empty, hollowed out. Like an abandoned building.
Two ghosts, standing exactly where Isa and Lea used to be. And as much as Axel tried to recall his past life, his past feelings, each day made it seem like it was slipping right between his fingers as easily as sand. He couldn't even remember what it felt like to have a heart beating inside his chest. It just lay cold and dormant now.
But how was he supposed to express all of those thoughts to Saïx? He could write a letter. He could maybe send an email. But talking about it out loud? Having to watch as Saïx drifted further and further away from him the more he talked?
He pressed his pen to the bottom of his report and signed it. Lea. Not Axel. It was the only thing he could think to do right now. To make him feel some sort of normalcy, to grasp at the memories of his old life.
He handed it to Saïx. "Finished."
Saïx's eyes drifted over the paper, and he nodded in approval. "Thank you. Lea." He sounded robotic, but it was nice to hear Axel's former name -- his real name -- come out of his mouth.
"You're welcome. Isa."
Two ghosts. That's all they were. Trying desperately to remember and hold on to who they once were.
I'm just trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat…