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“Tori-nii?” Rin calls as she enters the house. It hasn’t changed much since she’s left, although she can see the touches of Mayu throughout— there are more photos on the walls, and it even looks like Hatori’s bookshelf has been properly organized, instead of books stacked up and spilling over like they were when Rin and Momiji lived in the house.
It still even smells the same, and she takes a deep breath of it before shutting the door behind her. “Tori-nii?” She tries again.
She’d told him she was coming home, and he’d seemed excited on the phone— or at least, as excited as Hatori ever sounded. He’d told her she could even stay in her old room, and she’d refused— she’d pushed so hard to even leave the estate, and sleeping in the Main House again frightens her in a way she can’t describe. She’d even carefully picked a midsummer date where most people would be away at summer homes. Haru had sat with her as she booked the train tickets and coordinated visits.
“It’ll be nice to go back.” He’d said, but it sounded more like he was asking a question.
She’d just nodded, not sure how to even begin to muddle through the feelings of returning to the Sohma estate after so long away.
Some Jyuunishi had been able to stay. She had not.
“Hatori?” Rin toes off her shoes, and steps further into the entryway. It’s silent, and she’d think Hatori had left if not for his car in the driveway. She knows Mayu is out— she’d run into her by the gates, and they had a polite but limited exchange. Even still, she’s hyper-aware of how much of her own suffering Mayu has been unwelcomely privy too, and it makes Rin so uncomfortable that she’s not sure that they’ll ever have an easy relationship.
She checks his office first, figuring that he might be deep in some work. The office is empty and tidier than usual. She wonders if the maids came by recently. She carefully slides the door shut. It’s strange to feel like an intruder in her own home, but this is Mayu and Hatori’s home now. She doesn’t live here anymore.
She opens the door from the entryway into the main living area, past where Hatori sees his patients. She’s surprised to see the shoji pushed all the way open, letting in the dappled late-afternoon sunlight and the warm summer air. Hatori usually leaves the doors closed to prevent insects from getting in. She wonders if Mayu had opened them before leaving.
It hasn’t even been that long, and it feels strange to return home. Here’s the table where she used to sit and do her homework. The couch where she would curl up with Momiji and read. And on that couch—
“Hatori.” She says, a little louder. He’s asleep, which feels a little strange. She’s seen him asleep plenty of times, but he’s not typically one for mid-afternoon naps. He’s sprawled out, his hair messy, his face tucked against the back of the couch. She bites back the bit of hurt that she feels— that they haven’t seen each other in months, and he fell asleep on the couch. She ignores the small voice in the back of her mind still whispering to her that he’s been faking his care for her this whole time.
It’s strange to go so long without seeing him. It’s been months, probably the longest in her entire life that they’ve ever been apart. He looks older, and she’s not sure if it’s something she’s imagining or not.
He stirs, and she immediately feels guilty for waking him. Hatori works hard, and she shouldn’t be bothering him. It’s selfish of her. She takes a step back, and she’s trying to think of somewhere else she could go when his eyes open.
“Isuzu.” He says. His voice is rough from sleep, and he rubs at his eyes and sits up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Sorry for waking you.” She says.
“No, I’m sorry.” He gets up from the couch. “Can I—“
“Yeah.”
Hatori reaches out and gently pulls her into his arms. Even now, after getting her approval, he’s still careful. He kisses the top of her head, and Rin wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face in his shoulder. He smells safe and familiar, and Rin lets herself lean into him. He holds her tighter.
“It’s good to see you.” Hatori says. “Welcome home.”
Rin opens her mouth to say something, but finds that her throat is closed up. She didn’t expect this to be so emotional, so instead of responding she just nods into his shoulder. Hatori doesn’t seem to mind, and just holds her.
“You can go back to sleep if you want.” Rin says, once she’s able to swallow past her feelings.
“It’s fine.” Hatori says. “I shouldn’t be sleeping in the middle of the day. Are you hungry?”
Rin is not hungry, but she does let Hatori make her some tea. She leans against the kitchen counter and stares out the window as Hatori puts on the kettle and pulls mugs out of the cabinets. It feels familiar and homey for the two of them to be like this.
“Where’s Haru?” Hatori asks.
“He’s with his parents.” Rin says. She doesn’t mention how Haru had said that she and Hatori should have some time to themselves.
“Is living together going well?”
“It’s nice.” Rin says.
Hatori smiles. It’s small and gentle and not directed at her, but Rin notices it anyways and is privately pleased that things from her life make him happy.
“I ran into Mayu on the way in.”
“Oh?”
“She cut her hair.”
“She did.” Hatori says. “Does that bother you?”
“That would be stupid.” Rin says, even though seeing Mayu with shorn hair felt like more of a shock than it should have been. People get haircuts all the time.
“It’s okay if it does.” He says. “Are you going to see Kazuma while you’re home?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s good.” Hatori looks over at her. “Do you want to see Shigure?”
Rin shakes her head.
“Alright.” Hatori says. The kettle starts whistling, and Hatori turns and busies himself with pouring them both tea. He yawns.
“Are you feeling alright?” Rin asks.
“I’m fine. How’s school?”
“It’s okay.” Rin says. Hatori hands her a mug of tea and she takes it from him, holds onto it while waiting for it to cool.
“Have you made any friends?”
Rin shrugs.
“Don’t push yourself too hard.” Hatori says. “University is a big step.”
“I’m fine.” Rin says. “Let’s sit down.”
They go out to the engawa, and sit on the edge of it, dangling their feet over the grass. Hatori still looks exhausted. Maybe he had a late night— perhaps he stayed up working.
“Is there anything you want to do while you’re back?”
“I don’t know.” Rin says. She’d been hoping that coming back to the Sohma estate would be a small reprieve from the stress of school and the loneliness, but being back in the Main House still sets her on edge. The thought of seeing Akito or Shigure is overwhelming. She’s lucky that she even has a home to return to, she reminds herself. “Are you ever going to leave the Main House?” She asks, and it comes out harsher than she intended.
Hatori looks at her. “We’ve been discussing it.” He says mildly. “I’m still the family doctor, so it’s important that I stay nearby.”
“Gure-nii wasn’t too far away.”
“I’m not sure Mayu would want to live somewhere so rural.” Hatori says. He reaches into his shirt pocket and takes out a pack of cigarettes. Rin watches him as he lights one.
“How can you stand to stay here?” She asks.
Hatori stares out at the garden and takes a drag of his cigarette. “I’ve been here my whole life.” He glances over at her. “I think it would feel stranger to leave.”
“It doesn’t hurt to be here?”
“I think it hurts all of us to be here. Even Shigure.” He says. “But most of us have lived our whole lives here. A lot of our good memories are here, too.”
Rin nods. Hatori doesn’t typically talk about the family or how he feels about it, and it feels strange to have him be so responsive. In fact, usually a conversation about their family or the Main House turns into an argument. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” She asks.
Hatori looks over at her. “Do I seem different?”
“A little bit.”
“I’m trying something new.” He says.
“Oh.” Rin says. “Is it working?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
Hatori finishes his cigarette and takes another sip of his tea. Rin takes a sip of her own tea— it’s too strong, the same way Hatori always makes it.
“Where’s Momiji?” Rin asks.
“I’m not sure.” Hatori says. “He knows you’re coming home today.”
“Haru wants to see him too.”
“Will Haru be coming by for dinner later?”
“Probably.” Rin says.
“How has his temper been?”
Rin looks over at Hatori. “You don’t have to ask it like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like it’s just a ‘temper’. You know it’s not like that.”
“I’m sorry.” Hatori says.
“It’s fine.” Rin says. “He’s not that bad anymore. I think he’s better since we’ve left.”
“Has he had any episodes?”
“Kind of.” She says. “They’re not as extreme as they used to be.”
“That’s good.”
“I can’t always tell.” She says. “I don’t know how much he hides because he doesn’t want to upset me.”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
“A little bit. I don’t want to push him.”
“Haru loves you very much.”
“I know.” She says softly.
“Are things okay with you two otherwise?” He asks.
Rin nods.
“And you’re happy?”
“Don’t ask me questions like that.”
“Like what?”
“Leading questions like that. We both know what the answer is, and it’s not the one you want.”
“I wasn’t trying to lead you anywhere.”
“Bullshit.” Rin says. “None of us are happy.”
“Kyo and Tohru are happy.”
“They made it out.”
“You made it out too, Rin.”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t really. And Kyo’s never going to be normal. He’s always going to think of himself as the cat, and he’s always going to be scared that everything he got is going to be taken away.”
“Is that what you’re afraid of?”
“Aren’t you?” Rin stares at him. “What if the curse comes back? What if Mayu decides she can’t handle it? What if Akito decides to go off the rails again?”
“That won’t happen.”
“How sure are you? Are you sure enough to get used to what you have?” She gestures at the house. “Is that why you’re still living here?”
“Why are you picking a fight with me?”
“I’m not—“ Rin makes an exasperated noise. “I’m not picking a fight. But when you ask me if I’m happy, all it does is remind me that even though the curse is broken, I still don’t feel better.” She says, her face crumpling, her voice cracking on the last word.
“Isuzu…” Hatori reaches out for her, and she shoves his hand away.
“Are you happy?” Rin asks. “You got everything you wanted, so are you happy?”
Hatori opens his mouth and takes a breath as though to answer, and then he just sits there. They stare at each other, and Rin watches the wheels turn in his head as he tries to formulate an answer that doesn’t sound like a lie.
“I thought so.” Rin says, her voice still unsteady. “So don’t ask me questions like that.” She looks back out at the garden. Some clouds have rolled in, and Rin can feel the promise of a midsummer thunderstorm in the air. She likes the heavy downpours usually, but right now it just makes her feel trapped.
Hatori lights another cigarette.
“I’m trying, Isuzu.” He says. He clears his throat. “I’m taking medication.”
Rin’s doesn’t look at him. “What for?”
“I’m depressed.” Hatori says. “I’ve been depressed for a very long time.”
Rin looks over at him. “Because of Kana?”
Hatori shakes his head. “I think it started before that.” He says. “Maybe even when I was a child.”
“Does being with Mayu make it better?”
“I think so.” Hatori says. “But it’s not her job to fix it. And I don’t think I’m just going to stop feeling like this anytime soon.” He looks at her meaningfully. “It’s not going to immediately get better once the difficult things go away.”
Rin looks away. “And the medication is helping?”
“I think so. It’s not something that works right away. And there are some side effects that I have to deal with.”
“Like what?”
“I get tired more often, although I think that will go away with time. And I smoke more now.”
“But it’s going to make you feel better?”
Hatori shrugs. “It’s not an exact science. Sometimes people have to try a few medications before they find one that works.”
“Oh.” Rin looks down at her feet. “How did you know you were depressed?”
“Different people have different symptoms. I always suspected something was off, but I wasn’t sure. Mayu was the one who told me I should see a doctor.”
“Oh.” Rin says again. She swings her legs back and forth off the edge of the engawa.
“Do you want more tea?” Hatori asks.
“I’m fine.” She says. She keeps her eyes trained down on the grass below her, Hatori’s words rolling back and forth in her mind. “Do you think I’m depressed?”
Hatori doesn’t seem at all surprised by her question. “I think you’re extremely traumatized. Many things come along with that, and I wouldn’t be surprised, but I’m not your psychiatrist. I can’t diagnose you.”
“But you’re my doctor.”
“I’m also your guardian. You and I have broken plenty of rules about treating immediate family, but I don’t think I could be objective about your mental health. Besides, I’d rather have you see a specialist.”
Rin sighs. “I don’t want more doctors.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
They sit in silence and watch the dark clouds overhead begin to roll in. Neither of them suggest going inside. The winds pick up, and Rin watches as the trees sway back and forth from the force of it.
“It’s good.” Rin says. “That you’re trying to be happy. You deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you. You do too.”
Rin scoots over on the engawa to be closer to Hatori, and he lifts his arm so she can lean against him. He drapes it across her shoulders. Hatori is warm and solid, and Rin is struck by just how much she’s missed him and this house that she was so eager to escape. Even though she feels trapped here, it never stopped feeling like the closest thing to home.
Rin jumps when she hears the front door open and slam shut, and Hatori rubs at her shoulder.
“Hatori?” Mayu’s voice calls.
“Out here.” He calls back.
“You two should come in soon.” Mayu says, stepping out onto the porch with them to admire the storm. “It’s going to rain.”
“We’ll be in in a bit.” Hatori says. “Did you see Momiji while you were out?”
Mayu nods. “He’s with Haru, he said he’d be soon.” She smiles down at Rin. “He’s very excited to see you.”
“I’m excited to see him too.”
“Don’t stay out too long, alright?” She leans down and gently kisses the top of Hatori’s head. “I’m going to start dinner.”
Hatori moves to get up, but Mayu stops him with a hand on his shoulder. “I can take care of it. You have catching up to do.”
“Thank you.”
“Mhm.”
Rin listens as Mayu’s footsteps fade away into the house, and then she hears the opening of cabinets and the rattling of drawers as she begins dinner.
“You don’t mind her being around, right?” Hatori asks quietly. “It’s okay if you want it to be just us.”
“It’s fine.” Rin says. “She lives here too.”
“Alright.”
They sit and watch the sky darken further, and Rin listens for the distant rumbling of thunder. Light rain starts falling from the sky, but the overhang of the roof protects them from the worst of it, although the wind blows light gusts of cool, misty rain against them.
Further inside the house, the door opens and slams again, and this time Rin hears two more voices— Momiji’s loud, excited one, and Haru’s lower one.
“Give them some more time.” Rin hears Mayu say.
Momiji says something in response, but nobody comes outside to bother them. They stay out there until they hear the telltale beeping of the rice cooker, and Hatori shifts.
“We should go inside.” He says.
“Okay.”
Far away, close to the horizon, Rin can see flashes of lightning crack into existence and then disappear.
Hatori helps her up. Before they head in, he squeezes her shoulder. “It’s good to see you.”
Rin offers him a small smile. "Yeah." She says.
As they turn to enter the house the skies finally open up, and she and Hatori rush through the doors to escape the heavy rain.