Work Text:
Eyes Tinted Green
‘I’ve never understood what I’m meant to be doing at these things.’ Tony slapped a smile on his face when another couple walked past, acting as though he hadn’t whispered in a panic.
‘Appraising the art,’ Stephen muttered back, taking the empty champagne flute from Tony’s hand and placing it on the tray of a passing server. He turned his head away, hiding his face at Tony’s bemusement. Tony squinted up at the painting, tilting his head as if it were an autostereogram.
As Stephen tried to walk towards the next piece, he felt a tug on his throat and he paused, allowing the Cloak masquerading as a scarf to finish looking at the painting.
‘Appraising it how? The colors? How long it took the artist’s tortured soul to throw up their agony onto a canvas? How the picture doesn’t look like the title of it? Look at it, this one is called…’
‘Anguish and Euphoria?’ Stephen leant closer to read the label.
‘I don’t understand. Is it anguish because the colors aren’t staying within their lines?’
Shifting his feet, Stephen shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. ‘Why did you agree to come to this?’
‘Because you wanted to go.’
Simple statements like that, little words of truth without any hidden agenda, always bowled Stephen over. When he’d worked as a surgeon, it felt like the others in his team tried to suck up to him, offering him empty praises in the hope it could somehow help their career. Or, he was treated with downright hostility, every decision challenged because he was freshly out of medical school and wet behind the ears.
Since he and Tony had started dating, these little blows to the chest happened frequently. Tony could burrow past his armor with a few well-placed words. He’d fought against the initial attraction at first, content enough with just flirting and innuendos, but Tony had been relentless, capturing Stephen with his sweet honesty and his clumsy attempt at courtship.
His kitchen cupboards were still full of the expensive tea Tony had imported for him.
‘I like this one,’ Tony exclaimed, grabbing his elbow and encouraging him over to a new piece. He never tugged at his hands, never dragged him, and those little considerations highlighted how much he was cared about. It also made Stephen realize that this initial stage of dating had been over for a long time, and his feelings were now way past casual affection.
The thought terrified him, and he did his best to hide it as he looked up at the piece.
It was an outline of a woman, concealed in an ebony swirl of darkness. Her face was hidden because of the shadows concealing her, but in her hand, she held what appeared to be a mask.
Moving closer, he could see it was her face she held, slashes of silver streaking out from it. She had a serene expression, completely at odds with the one who held it.
‘Enlightenment in Concealment,’ Tony read out. ‘We hide ourselves with masks? And we overcompensate with lighter emotions to keep our true selves hidden? Her face is actually a mask, and her real raw essence is what’s left? The gnarled twisted shadow?’ Tony asked.
‘Art is subjective, you can get whatever you want from it. But yes, I think that’s an accurate assumption. We all have ugly emotions we try to hide, aspects of ourselves we don’t like.’
Stephen couldn’t tear his gaze from it, wondering what parts of himself he still kept suppressed, if the arrogance from his surgeon days had truly vanished, or if still lurked, waiting.
‘God, you’d think all those piano lessons and etiquette lectures would’ve instilled some sort of culture into me. I’ve got nothing.’ Tony threw his hands up in exasperation.
‘I think maybe it’s time to go. You said you had an early morning.’ Stephen glanced down at the man beside him.
‘That’s what coffee is for. Come on, let’s walk around again. You can explain that piece to me, the one with all the creepy mannequin hands coming out of it.’
‘Reflections?’
‘That’s the one. Come on, I need to look at it some more. My brain needs ample fodder for nightmares!’ Stephen laughed along with Tony, not caring that they were getting disapproving looks from the other guests as they strode back through the gallery.
‘I’m glad we can have fun with this sort of thing,’ Tony told him as they both shuddered at the canvas mounted on the wall. Stephen could see how the piece had an impact, the horrors of entrapment from black mirror technology, but it was horrifying.
‘Why do you say that?’ Stephen asked, reaching up to tug on the wriggling scarf, warning it to behave.
‘I had to do a lot of these things back in the day. Charity events, galas, silent auctions…art exhibits,’ Tony gestured around with his hand. ‘There was always a hidden agenda, you know. People to beg for funding, connections to be made, girls to seduce to keep up with my image.’ Tony waggled his eyebrows, watching to see if he had any reaction to those statements.
Stephen didn’t react. He’d already deduced that the reason Tony acted like that back in the day was to hide behind the persona of Tony Stark. It had been a shield to stop people from getting too close, warring with his actual desire to be loved. This push and pull of his personality, wanting people to be close, but at the same time holding them at arm’s length, explained his playboy personality.
‘When I stepped down from CEO I didn’t have to attend as many functions, could focus on what I loved.’ Tony reached out, wincing at Stephen’s slap as he mimed shaking one of the creepy hands.
‘Inventing?’ Stephen asked.
That was one of Stephen’s favorite unofficial dates. When he had spare time between fighting interdimensional threats and fending off Wong from reorganizing the Sanctum library, he liked to watch Tony in his lab. He rarely understood what Tony was doing, but he liked watching Tony create, enjoying something uniquely him.
He also looked damn good covered in oil.
The earlier fear he’d felt resurfaced, and he looked down at the glossy floor. Feelings, emotions, they could be overwhelming at times. It wasn’t as though he’d never had any, he’d ignored them, his single-minded focus being his research and his standing. Everything else was superfluous.
Doctor Stephen Strange wouldn’t have spent time watching another get swept up by their passion. His insides wouldn’t turn to goo at the sight of Tony’s excited grin, or the way he scolded his bots. He wouldn’t have tried to move his training lessons at Kamar-Taj just so he could catch Tony when he was exhausted and burnt out. Wanting to support his partner and making sure they got enough rest, but also loving the way Tony slurred his words with exhaustion and got handsy with his affection.
‘I still had to come to these exhibitions, Pepper used to love it.’ His tone got a bit wistful, his eyes becoming glazed as he looked inwards at his past.
Stephen had never cared about Tony’s past. He wasn’t jealous of those who had experienced the charisma of Tony Stark, the way he awed them with his wealth and generosity, the ease in which he tumbled them into his bed. There were many men and women who fell into that category.
He could count on one hand the people Tony allowed to see him vulnerable. The ones who Tony would listen to, those he respected and cared for even with his heart flayed by constant betrayals. If Tony Stark cared for you, it was with an unwavering dedication, a smothering of affection.
No, Stephen wasn’t jealous of those who had come before.
He was jealous of Virginia Potts.
***
Sprawled out on Tony’s couch, Stephen was the big spoon, head propped up on his elbow as they watched the film. His free arm held Tony’s waist tight, holding him snug against his body. One of Tony’s hands stroked up and down Stephen’s bare forearm, making the fine hair raise, shivers rippling through his skin.
They weren’t in the Avengers Facility, or the Sanctum, they’d barricaded themselves in Tony’s penthouse, ensuring their privacy. In a world where everyone wanted a piece of Iron Man or the Sorcerer Supreme, snatched moments like this were fleeting.
Stephen’s attention drifted between whatever was happening on screen, and the man beside him.
‘I know I’m gorgeous and all, but this is a really good film,’ Tony berated, stretching his head back to look up at Stephen.
‘Can’t help it,’ Stephen murmured, placing his head on the armrest of the couch and engulfing Tony in both his arms.
He loved time shared like this, craved them even. There wasn’t anything pressing, the world was safe, Wong was minding the Sanctum. Nothing else existed but the here and now. There was no underlying motive, no long-term seduction plan to get Tony into bed, it was a different type of intimacy, the exposure of vulnerability.
Looking down into warm brown eyes, the reflection of the lights from the TV shining over them, Stephen felt a poignant warmth, grateful that Tony had pursued him, had seen something in him that was worth his attention.
Tony’s hand stretched up to his face, sweeping aside the bangs that had fallen into Stephen’s eyes. His touch was careful as he explored, trailing down the side of Stephen’s face, stroking through his goatee, the small scar in his eyebrow from where he’d fallen as a kid.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone as much as you,’ Stephen whispered. He strengthened his grip, pouring magic into his hands so Tony could feel his feelings in the hug. He spoke the truth. As much as he had cared about Christine, he condescendingly had never considered her an intellectual equal. Tony, however, matched and surpassed him. It didn’t give Stephen feelings of superiority, it thrilled him, pushed him to explore knowledge again that wasn’t the Mystic Arts.
Tony had meshed the two sides of his personality together, gave him an identity outside of the Sorcerer Supreme.
Leaning closer, Tony stroked his lips over Stephen’s, hand cradling the back of his head. Stephen felt the whisper of his name uttered against his lips, and they parted in response, swallowing the syllables of it as he kissed Tony.
The sex between them was always incredible, the wealth of Tony’s experience making itself known with all the tricks he had up his sleeve, but it was the tenderness Stephen loved. The way Tony needed to be reassured he was loved, the way he wasn’t a selfish lover, seeking Stephen’s enjoyment as well as his own.
Sliding a hand into Tony’s hair, he shifted to half lay on him, shuddering at the husky noise that escaped Tony.
‘Boss? You’ve got a visitor,’ FRIDAY interrupted.
Tony waved an arm in the air, a warning to leave them alone. Slipping a hand under Tony’s T-shirt to feel the warm skin beneath, Stephen moved his head back, gazing down at the exquisite picture before him. Tony’s eyes had darkened, his chest rising and falling in a pant, wanting this as much as Stephen.
‘Boss?’
‘Damn it, FRIDAY! What have we said about people interrupting?’ He moaned as Stephen reached down to kiss his neck, hand stroking over his stomach, tickling as he went. Tony curved into his touch, head tipping back to encourage more of Stephen’s attention.
‘It’s Miss Potts.’
Tony froze beneath him, stopping Stephen with a hand on the chest. Rearing back, Stephen frowned, confused. Wriggling out from under him, Tony ruffled a hand through his hair, closing his eyes with a sigh.
‘Alright, send her up. Sorry, honey.’ Tony gave him a peck as he got off the couch, patting himself down to make sure he was presentable.
Stephen felt exposed, and not in the pleasant, relaxed way he had moments ago. He wasn’t one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but now it felt like it dripped out its feelings for anyone to see, anguish shackling his wrists.
Why. Why did she have to be here? They didn’t have much time together, their schedules were brutal and it was rare for them to spend time alone. She knew that, knew they were busy tonight.
‘Hey, you alright?’ Tony asked, bending on one knee so he could meet Stephen’s gaze.
‘Tony? We’ve got a problem with our Australian investors. There’s a part of the contract they… oh, sorry Stephen, I didn’t realize I was interrupting.’ Pepper smiled at him, either not noticing his cold reception or choosing to ignore it.
‘What are they bitching about now?’ Tony grumbled, holding out his hand for the pad Pepper carried. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the pad, the relaxed, sexy man Stephen had beneath him seconds ago vanishing.
‘So, Ti Amo’s?’ Pepper asked as she slipped off her heels, yanking her hair tie out to shake her hair free from its severe ponytail.
Stephen wasn’t sure, but he thought Tony’s gaze flickered up at that, watching as her hair tumbled over her shoulders. He did, however, notice the easy grin he offered her.
‘Sure, but don’t-’
‘Order the garlic bread, I won’t.’
‘Do you remember that one time-’
‘When they burnt the crusts of the pizza but hadn’t cooked the middle of it? It’s hard to forget that, Tony,’ she laughed, sitting on the couch with her legs tucked beneath her.
Rage seeped up like a cold hand on the inside of his throat as Stephen got to his feet. He couldn’t explain it, but he wanted to say something, do something to make Tony’s attention shift back to him. They had broken up. They weren’t meant to remain friends, have easy banter, past stories, laughing and working together like none of that had happened.
Losing himself in the hysteria of his mind, Stephen walked to the front door, ashamed by his thoughts.
This wasn’t him. He wasn’t prone to juvenile surges of jealousy. He was a grown man, had control of his feelings. Something was wrong, he just didn’t know what it was. Slipping his shoes and jacket on, he turned, giving Tony a moment to notice, to say anything about his sudden departure.
Tony hadn’t noticed he was gone.
***
‘Are we going to talk about what happened the-’
‘Stop moving,’ Stephen hissed, tipping Tony’s head back further towards the light, examining the gash on his head.
Perched on the edge of Stephen’s bathtub, Tony crossed his arms, the squeak of his undersuit loud in the confined room. Ignoring Tony’s flinch, he continued dabbing at the gash with antiseptic, clearing away as much blood as he could to determine if it needed stitches or not.
‘What did you call them again?’
‘Doombots,’ Tony said with a grumble, his hands tightening on the edge of the tub. Stephen paused for a moment, running his other hand through Tony’s hair, sifting through the dust and debris to offer comfort.
‘And did you-’
‘Nope. I wanted to call them Robotnik knock offs, but the bad guy already had a name for them.’
Stephen didn’t usually get involved with Avenger fights, partly because he didn’t want SHIELD to learn about his existence, and partly because he was responsible for interdimensional threats. That didn’t stop him feeling bad that Tony had been injured.
‘Hey,’ Tony caught his wrist, preventing him from swabbing over the antiseptic again.
‘Tony, I need to see how deep the wound is.’
‘Don’t worry about it, it’ll make a handsome scar, right?’ Tony winked at him, making him look roguish with all the blood smeared across his face.
‘Honestly,’ Stephen scolded, holding out his hand for a cloth the Cloak pushed towards him, wiping the worst of the grime from his face. ‘Yes, you’d look handsome, but I’d prefer it to heal clean. Please,’ he begged, ‘stay still.’
He managed to work in silence for at least a minute before Tony grabbed the front of his tunic.
‘I’m sorry our night was cut short-’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Stephen bit off, closing his eyes as Tony swore because he’d pressed too hard on the wound.
‘You sure? You didn’t even say goodbye,’ Tony continued.
‘I’m sure. I just thought I’d get out of your hair. Did you sort out the problem with the investors?’
‘Yeah, eventually. They’re getting a really good deal out of Stark Industries, more like stealing it from us, but I think it might be worth it, stop the drain of resources on Mother Earth and all that. If my technology can help others, then the company can afford to be a little generous.’
The gash wasn’t as deep as he initially feared, Steri-Strips would be enough to hold it together. Moving away, he looked in his bathroom cabinet, trying to ignore Tony’s gaze on his back.
‘Seriously, Doc, what’s going on?’
Why couldn’t he shake this? The desire to have Tony only look at him, to be his sole focus. He glanced at the back of his hand, the jagged indentations of scars. Was it insecurity? He’d always been jealous of other people’s successes, strove hard to be where he was in the medical world, always needing to be the best.
Was that was it was? Did he need to be the best for Tony? Was he scared to lose to Pepper?
His arrogance might have been tempered, the rough aspects of himself smoothed out to be more amenable to others. He’d been humbled through his experiences with the Ancient One, had witnessed first-hand the sacrifices needed to protect the world. The core aspect of his personality hadn’t been eradicated, the need to be the best.
Would he lose Tony to Pepper?
‘Nothing, I’ve just had things on my mind,’ Stephen said offhand, pretending he was occupied with rummaging in the cabinet.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to just zone out like that, but like Pepper says, this is a really great idea and-’
‘Oh, well, as long as Pepper says it’s a good idea.’ The snap came unbidden, and Stephen felt himself stiffen.
‘Stephen?’
Hanging his head, he dropped the Steri-Strip packet, breathing through the sensation of pain, slow meditative breaths. Stephen didn’t want to feel like this, didn’t want his emotions escaping his control. He was going to lose Tony, knew this selfish, irrational side of him was going to drive him away. It was an inner battle, a turmoil he needed to master.
‘Talk to me. I know it was crappy of me the other day, but you’re freezing me out and I don’t understand why.’
He heard Tony get to his feet, the slight stumble as he walked over. He didn’t crowd Stephen, but he was near enough that he couldn’t escape.
‘People tell me I’m the one with the emotional age of a toddler…if you’re not mad about the work, then what is it?’
‘Nothing. Drop it.’ He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to reveal his hand. If they talked about it now, Stephen would say something he would regret. Even as he stood there, refusing to face Tony, face his feelings, he knew Tony would be piecing things together.
‘Pepper? You’re mad at her for interrupting us?’ Tony asked.
Damn it.
‘I said leave it.’
‘Oh no you don’t! You’re the one who tells me to talk about things, not to bottle them up. Don’t let the Avengers push you around Tony, stand up for what you think is right, Tony. But now the shoe is on the other foot, you become emotionally constipated.’
‘For the love of…not everything is about you, you conceited douchebag!’ Stephen snapped, slamming the cabinet door shut. ‘I have things I need to sort out.’
A hand twisted into the back of his tunic. ‘Then let me-’
‘Without you, Tony!’
The insecurities writhed in his chest, a ribbon of scalding heat snaking over his body. He didn’t want to talk about it, hated the way Tony was trying to force the issue.
‘I can’t…I can’t do this anymore,’ he muttered, broken at the very thought of it.
‘Fine. Call me when you’ve worked through…whatever this is. Or don’t bother,’ Tony spat, covering his pain with anger. ‘Do whatever you want.’
***
Stephen sat on the floor of his study, legs drawn up, elbows resting on them as he listened to the sound of apprentices going through their drills, the rustle of dead leaves blowing across the courtyard of Kamar-Taj.
The sound of fluttering cloth encouraged him to open his eyes, looking towards the Cloak in the doorway of his study, holding his phone with the edge of its fabric.
‘This is why I’ve avoided commitment. I’m so arrogant that I can’t stand the thought of losing. I see people…relationships as achievements, can’t stand to lose to anyone else.’
The Cloak shook itself violently in a no, drifting closer and dropping his phone into his lap.
‘I’ve never felt like this before. Jealousy. It’s so simple when you say it out loud, but that doesn’t encompass everything I feel. It’s…beyond definition.’
Perking up, the Cloak looked around and zoomed out of the study window.
‘Yup, I wouldn’t want to be around me either.’
Love was meant to be simple, but he found it rife with sharp edges and complications. The feelings petrified him.
Why couldn’t he stand Tony’s friendship with Pepper? He knew these thoughts were unreasonable, that he was stuck in a never-ending cycle of obsession and deprivation of his own qualities.
He was afraid. Afraid that Tony would want to rekindle his relationship with her. He’d seen the papers speculating over their relationship, knew how many times they’d ended things, and then got back together to the media’s delight. Afraid because they had history together, had a longevity to their relationship while Stephen was still new and unknown.
Acting like a jealous, immature child.
It was Stephen who had made the world suffer for five years with his plan to fight Thanos.
Stephen who had barely been able to save Tony, willing to sacrifice him for the world.
‘I wondered where you’d been hiding.’
He hurt his neck with how fast he whipped his head up.
‘How did you…’ he stopped when he saw the Cloak settled on Tony’s shoulders.
‘I think your creepy building wanted me to find you. Wong wouldn’t help me, and I couldn’t find your Cloak, so I stood in the foyer of the Sanctum and said I wanted to find you. I don’t know what happened, one minute I’m standing there, and the next I’m being catapulted through a door. Lo and behold, I’m in a freaky kung-fu movie.’
Tony stepped into his study, picking random things off Stephen’s shelves and looking at them. His curiosity had been something that initially intrigued Stephen, his sense of wonder, his craving to understand everything in the world around him. Stephen had always hated people being in his personal space, even back when he’d been a surgeon.
Whenever someone had entered the lab or handled his medical tools, he felt like they’d left unseen fingerprints everywhere, their presence irritating him. Yet, he didn’t feel any of that annoyance as Tony walked around his study, didn’t feel anything aside from a sense of closeness with the man.
‘We’ve got a problem, haven’t we, Doc?’ Tony didn’t turn away from the musty bookshelf, placing down the book he’d picked up with care.
‘Tony, I-'
‘I’m not going to stop seeing her, Stephen. If that costs us our relationship, then so be it.’
He looked up at Tony’s back, the slight shake to his shoulders, the way one of his hands curled into a fist.
‘Tony-’
‘You’re one of the first people I’ve been with that makes me feel like it’s okay to be me. You understand why I need to protect the world. You encourage me to stand up for myself, that I don’t need to seek recognition by sacrificing myself in the process. It's because of our relationship that I know I can say this.’
He turned to face Stephen, anguish etched all over his face, smudges under his eyes from lack of sleep.
‘I’m not giving my friend up because you’re jealous of her.’ The tremble in his voice only highlighted how difficult this was for him.
‘Tony…’ Despite everything he’d been going through, he could only guess what Tony had been feeling. He thought Stephen was placing him in an impossible position, choosing between two people who loved him. Emotion erupted in his chest, tenderness and protectiveness making him want to reach out.
‘I’m glad you stood up for yourself, especially against me. I don’t want you to stop your friendship with Pepper. I know, I don’t have a right to be jealous, that it’s my insecurities speaking. Can I explain myself?’
Please. Give me a chance.
Stephen watched Tony chew the inside of his cheek as he nodded, refusing to make eye contact, resigned to his fate, the destruction of their relationship.
‘I’ve…never felt like this before, about anyone. I didn’t want to lose you.’ He stood up and took a step forward, gripping the edge of his desk. ‘Listening to you talk about her, seeing how close you are…with someone who isn’t me, it stings. I’ve never felt the desire to love anyone, I was too selfish and arrogant back in the day, and then too scared to let anyone close…but you wormed your way in, Tony Stark. Now that you’re here, I-’
His voice strangled, dying in his throat. Hanging his head, he tried to force the words out.
‘I don’t want to lose you… to her.’
Tony didn’t speak, didn’t move, even as Stephen continued staring at him.
‘I’m sorry, Tony. I understand if you don’t want-’
‘It’s nice to know you’re a mess in at least one aspect of your life,’ Tony looked up, his smile wobbly. Looping his thumbs in his belt loops, he rocked up onto his toes. ‘I’m not going to leave you for Pepper. She’s important to me, she’s my family, but she’s not you. I know we have a past, but I don’t think it was romantic love we felt, not really.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I don’t think I could stay friends with her if I still loved her. I’m not that strong, Doc. I couldn’t be friends with someone I had feelings for, not if I’d experienced it once and lost it. I’d always be chasing after more. That’s how I know I don’t have feelings for her, because I can be comfortable with her.’
Strangely, that made complete sense. Stephen felt exhausted, his body lighter in a way it hadn’t been in weeks.
‘I hate feeling like this,’ Stephen admitted, exhaling heavily as he leant on his desk.
‘Love’s a bitch,’ Tony answered.
‘You…wait…what?’
‘Listen to me, asshole. You’re different from Pepper, and I’m in love with you.’ Tony jumped up on the desk to sit next to him, their shoulders touching.
It was the first time Tony had said it, and this wasn’t the context Stephen had imagined when he first told another person he loved them. Holding out his hand, he waited for Tony to take it, interlacing their fingers.
‘I love you too. I think I have done for a while now.’
Tony made an agreeing hum, resting his head on Stephen’s shoulder.
‘I really am sorry,’ Stephen whispered again.
‘Did it scare you?’ Tony asked.
He nodded, holding their hands over his thigh, not quite believing his luck that Tony wasn’t chewing him out for this.
‘From someone who has spent their whole life hiding from emotions, drowning them in booze and work, don’t fear them, embrace them. Trust me, they’ll turn you into a better person.’
‘I doubt jealousy has any positive attributes,’ Stephen scoffed, resting his cheek on Tony’s head.
‘Course it does. You feel threatened by her? Then concentrate on you, what makes you awesome, what makes you unique. You’re not Pepper. You’re a complicated mess all of your own and I love those complex parts.’
Stephen ran his thumb over Tony’s hand.
‘A complicated mess, huh?’ He whispered into Tony’s hair, kissing the crown of his head.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,’ Tony teased. ‘You want to go on a date somewhere? See if we can turn that jealousy into some possessive sex?’
Stephen elbowed him. ‘We never did get to finish that film…’ he started suggestively.
‘Let’s go. FRIDAY hold all my calls unless it’s a life and death situation.’ Tony hopped off the desk, beckoning Stephen forward with his hand.
‘Tony, it’s okay if she needs you for work, or anything. She’s your friend.’ He didn’t lie to himself. It still hurt to think of them together, he could still feel his self-doubts squirming beneath his skin. After the reassurances, it felt closer to a dull ache rather than the excruciating stab of before.
‘Yup, and as my friend, she’ll understand my boyfriend needs me right now. Besides. Maybe I need you right now,’ he added, scuffing the toe of his shoe.
Reaching across his desk, Stephen pulled over a scrap of paper and a pen, scrawling a quick note for Wong. Passing it over to the Cloak, he created a portal back to the Sanctum for it to go through.
‘There, I’m all yours.’
The End
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